Home
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the song 'Home' by Daughtry.
A/N: I wrote this in an hour or two, I just found this song and I thought it was perfect to describe Edward's thoughts when he's apart from Bella in New Moon.
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
EPOV
My long dead heart ached as I stared out at the night. The all too familiar night that I despised. Night, which I had begun to love, at least when I was holding her all throughout the darkness. As I listened to her mutter nonsensical things in her sleep, and hear her whisper my name.
I'd thought I could do this. I thought I was strong enough. Ironic, wasn't it, that I could manage to not to kill her, but I couldn't stay away from her?
It was unbelievably hard to stay away from her. Hell, I loved her. I loved her so God damn much, and I needed to go back to her so much. I couldn't live like this.
It had already been months, and I had hardly made it through each day. All I could see was the heart broken look on her beautiful face as she believed me as I lied to her. That had hurt me as much as me leaving would hurt her.
But she was human. She deserved so much more than me. A creature of the night. A soulless monster.
Nevertheless, she had wanted me. I wondered if she still did.
I needed to return. To go back to that place where we ignored everything – made no decisions. Just loved each other, and that was enough.
I wouldn't ache like this if I was with her. There would be other pain – thirsting for her blood wasn't exactly great, when I wanted her alive. But I had been strong enough before, and I knew that I would never kill her. But the logical side of me said that I could – so easily. And I wouldn't – couldn't – put her in such danger. She was so much better off without me. And without me she would stay. As long as I could resist.
Which I really doubted would be much longer. I couldn't live without her. I had waited almost a century for her, and I had to give her up, for her to be safe. Life was never fair. At least, not to monsters.
Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.
I needed to go back there, to see her so badly. I wanted to so much that it hurt. But I wouldn't do that to her. I wouldn't kill her because I was selfish. I couldn't do that.
I had run away from her, I knew. I had left her hurt and upset. But I knew she couldn't feel as much as I did for her. And she was human. She would move on. That was what I convinced myself everyday.
I wanted to run from here! From tracking Victoria, from being alone. I couldn't be without my family – but they couldn't deal with the depression – especially Jasper. I knew he felt my pain, and I could still hear everyone's thoughts – telling me to go back. That leaving was a mistake. So I had to be alone. Fully alone.
I wanted to run away now. I wanted to leave.
Being alone was getting tiresome. It was terrible only having yourself to talk to, to be with. I had never really been alone, except for those evil years where I had fed on the guilty – the murderers, rapists, kidnappers. I still hadn't been alone long then. Although that had been years, and this was only months, this felt worse. Maybe because I now knew there was someone that I wanted to be here with desperately. Because now I was hopelessly in love.
The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.
I couldn't go back, even though I could see myself running there right now. I couldn't bring her pain.
But I needed to in order to exist! I needed to be with her!
But I wasn't any good for her. Not as a man or friend, or well, soul mate. She deserved someone whole and perfect and good. Not a monster who drank blood. Why on earth did she find me appealing?
Because of the inhuman beauty and the wealth? No, I knew that wasn't true. Bella wasn't like that. But what was there in a nightmare that she liked? The fact that I'd saved her life? Maybe that was a part of it, but it wasn't all. I would never know. Because I couldn't read her mind. How frustrating.
And even though I wanted to see her, I also had to imagine that she had moved on, like I had hoped her to… and secretly hoped she wouldn't. Selfishly hoped she wouldn't. Of course, I wouldn't stand in her way, if she found someone else. Not that I'd be happy about it. I still wouldn't live without her. I'd be her friend, then, if I could.
Not that I really believed she'd moved on. I couldn't see her doing that. She gave me unreasonable second chances, didn't care about the fact that my heart didn't beat, I had no soul, and drank blood. She was so absurd.
But in a charming way. She was addictive – and not just her blood. Her, herself. I couldn't get enough of her.
So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
She didn't seem to register the fact that I wasn't human. That she had me all wrong – that I was all wrong for her. She didn't care though, so I had ignored that fact, and blissfully loved her. Foolishly loved her. It was sick.
The lion and the lamb. Exactly.
But that didn't stop the stupid, deadly, screwed lion did it? He had to let his brother near his precious lamb, and almost have his lamb die because of his foolishness. That was the lion's sick problem. It was selfish and greedy. And now that it was doing the right thing, it was slowly killing itself. Fabulous.
But I cared too much; there was no going back. As she had said herself, it was too late. I would love her for the rest of his miserable half-life, and remember her. And the day she died would be my death day, too. I would never live without her. Well, other than now.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.
I had never thought I would need a companion, had been fine on my own. I had read the sappy thoughts of love, but I was fine in myself. I had never wished for a companion. I had never wanted one.
But she had been perfect. And I could not stop myself from loving her. She was too damn perfect. She was glorious.
She was my angel, even if I was a demon. She was my sun, my moon, my stars. My life.
I had wished she would be safe. And here I was, wish granted.
It was killing me instead of her.
But I would suffer for her any day. I loved her. There was no way around that. I could not be without her. But here I was without her right now. Because I was saving her by doing this.
At least, I hoped I was.
I loved her so much.
Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.
I didn't know how much longer I could do this. I needed to go back to her. I needed to go back to Bella.
I needed to go home.