Sorry this took so long to get up I have been really busy trying to get ready for university. Hope you like it, it was hard keeping them in character but I think I managed it…just.
Please review! Feed my drug habit oh yes! High on happiness and positive comments with a little bit of vicodin slung in here and there!
Reviewers:
Axelchick: I'm pleased you liked it. Sorry it took so long for more...I will try and get the next chapter up a lot sooner!
HouseAddiction: Lol! I'm sorry it was sad! I decided to do something different! Don't worry I will definitely finish GSM.
Eleanor J.: I know what you mean but I decided to give it a go anyway. I wanted to dive deeper into emotions and stuff like that. My first fic was much more on the surface. I hope you find it ok and I manage to take it somewhere good. Please keep reading and let me know what you think. I want to make it as good as possible and keep people happy!
babynurse2004: good! Hope this is an awesome update!
luv2luv-Hugh; don't worry house can make it all better but it will be hard. I love writing this story because of the depth of emotions you get to dive into. Don't worry all will end happy in the end! And then I'll write a funny one!
eac-dudette: indeed very different from my first one…lets see how it goes.
house's phoenix: Yay you found it moving. That's what I'm aiming for and I have succeeded…so far.
swiglo3000: good I'm pleased it has begun well…let's hope I can keep it up!
samanthaon: Aww thank you. That's made me feel all warm and fuzzy thinking I write beautifully! I have the whole story already in my head…hope you like the update!
…………………….
Hating isn't Hard to Do
The light had died, her eyes were bleak and empty the blazing fire that had always drawn him like moth to a flame, intrigued and fascinated him more than any of his puzzles had been extinguished, doused by the cold hard waterfall of reality that had come crashing down over her, engulfing her soul, drowning her in despair and confusion.
He'd been watching her from the doorway, a ball huddled in the corner of his sofa. He didn't dare to come any closer fearful she'd fall, fight to get away from him, he couldn't deal with the fear in her eyes, especially if she was frightened of him, that was one look from Lisa Cuddy he just couldn't handle.
He didn't know what to do.
He feared that left on her own she'd sink further into darkness. If he tried to comfort her he was unable to touch, worried she'd crumbled between his fingertips, the weak form of life rocking before him. She had been staring into space for the past half hour, arms clasped round her knees holding them to her chest, a ball of fear, trying to shrink, become invisible; vanish from the cruel world that currently surrounded her.
He hated what she'd become. He remembered the powerful women strolling through the halls of PPTH head held high as he watched from a distance. She was now a shadow of the strong woman she once was.
He hated he hadn't be able to protect her. That man had got to her, she had been vulnerable and all it took was one hard blow to make her fall. He so wanted to rewind time, heal her wounds and hurt the man before he even touched a hair on her head.
He hated that he hadn't been here the moment she needed him, her creased form curled up on his doorstep; hopeless and hurt.
But most of all he hated himself for what he had to do next. It was cruel even for him, harsh and unforgiving but he needed to do this, she needed to do this. The faceless figure of her nightmare needed to be brought into the light, made to face up to what he'd done, made to pay.
This was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do, making her weak heartbeat fight for just that little moment longer, force her to stand on her feet, return to the world that currently haunted her but it had to be done, and he wouldn't let anyone else do it. No one else would touch her, harm her, she was his, his boss, his friend and he was going to protect her.
'Cuddy?'
Northing no knowledge of his existence and refusal to acknowledge her own, she was a shell, un-reacting, unthinking, unfeeling, he had to fight to make her open up House didn't back down from a challenge, and while this was a new and unwelcome one he would try his very best to succeed.
He spoke louder but with little force, 'Cuddy?'
Nothing.
He walked over to her, approaching from the side, theories said you could enter a persons' personal space better this way, less threatening, less imposing and right now the desire to get into her space without shaking her was very high. He hovered, unknowing of what to do next. He lowered himself to the ground, ignoring the jolts of pain in his leg, equal status, he appreciated his height was overpowering, he'd used it to get to Cuddy many a time, know it was working against his favour, he needed to change the odds.
'Cuddy?'
Not a flicker,
He reached out to her, fingers brushing the top of her arm and she jumped like he'd electrocuted her, eyes snapping into focus, wide and fearful running round the room assessing her surroundings as though she'd forgotten where she was. Her eyes came to rest on his hand; he hadn't moved allowing it to rest on her arm testing her reaction. She just stared at it for a moment as though assessing herself and how much contact she could take, before her eyes rose up to meet his. He sense her relax, his presence calming her than causing her pain. She felt safe; he released a breath he didn't know he was holding.
'Cuddy?'
'Yeah?' her voice was weak and empty; barely heard over the wind whistling outside.
'Um….I need to check you over.
'No you don't, I'm fine.'
'Cuddy don't be silly, you're not fine, you're as far from fine as can be.' He had to stop himself from getting angry, she was only resisting because she was frightened. She knew what needed to be done and was only avoiding it because of her fear.
'House I'm not:-' he cut her off, '
'Cuddy I am checking you over, I need to make sure all the cuts and scratches are ok. The one on your head looks pretty deep, and judging by the amount of blood leaking through your skirt I'm assuming there's a pretty nasty one there too, both will probably need stitches,' he had to push her, she wouldn't budge unless he did, she was still the stubborn Cuddy he once knew, this small piece of defiance gave him a brief flicker of hope, there was a chance, however small it seemed at the moment that he could help her pull her through this.
He could see her, sinking away from him once more, clearly un-wanting of the contact and the only opportunity of avoiding it was to pretend he wasn't there, pretend she wasn't there. He needed a way in.
'Cuddy please,' he begged, 'I just want to check that you're ok.' What a stupid thing to say, he berated himself, of course she's not ok, how can she be ok? He really didn't know how to handle this but he watched her shift from surprise at his words, her eyes, lifeless as they had been, lit up with shock.
He felt a stab of hurt, did she believe that he wouldn't care, that he wouldn't want to make sure she was alright. Did he seem really that harsh and un-caring?
She looked up at him and allowed the tiniest of a smile, it was a sad and lost look, as though hope was no longer living but it was a smile and that was a start. She nodded.
He didn't say a word, worried of scaring her back into her shell. He shimmied slowly with his hands in indication for her to remove the towel that was covering her and she did so without protest. He wanted to look away, shield his eyes; anything not to have to stare at the beautiful body that had been made a massacre of. He didn't want to see her at her most vulnerable, exposed before him. He tried to keep the towel covering her most of the time, areas of her body which we inspected were done so with the minimalist of touches.
He turned her wrists over, dabbing disinfectant on the scratches and watching her face screw up as the moisture burned into her wounds, repeating this action on the ones on her chest and stomach, eyes on the job not taking in any aspect of the smooth skin before his eyes. He had longed to see her body, the curves she hid beneath her power suits, revealing tantalising glimpses of throughout the week. He had never envisaged that this was how his wish would come true and while he couldn't have done anything to prevent this, the fact that the wish had ever left his tongue, even the fact that it had entered his mind flooded him with guilt.
He indicated for her to lift her skirt up so he could deal with the wound beneath. She faulted for a moment before her fingers curled at the hem dragging it upwards, her eyes tight shut as though not wanting to see the damage, ignore it, wish it wasn't there; a physical reminder of the pain in which had been inflicted.
Her thigh was bright red, stained by the blood that had leaked over her skin. He wiped it away, fingers shaking as anger and sadness riddled his body.
How had this happened? Her world had been turned upside down in a matter of minutes. Only this morning they were laughing together; House's antics bringing a smile to her face, the sparkle in her eyes dancing as she tried to restrain herself, stop herself from laughing, knowing it would on encourage him, like it would a child.
No smile now, not a flicker. He bent down to retrieve a needle hating himself for having to pierce her skin. His hand remained on her knee, constant contact. He lifted his head up only to regard her reaction. Her face, while stained with tears, stilled shimmered with beauty. He looked into her eyes and saw a very faint flicker of the spark he feared had died, it was tainted with sorrow, burning blue. It was his mission to blow and make it burn bright. He wouldn't let her light go out.
She was watching him. The way he cared, his soft caress as he wiped away the evidence of the evening events, knelt beside her, helping her. He could feel the blocks joining together once more, re-building the walls that had so dramatically been ripped down. Only now, he was on the inside.
She had hope and it was because of him.
Time to test the boundaries; this would either cause them to crumble or become stronger, his help to build them. Trust cementing the blocks together, fear forcing them apart.
'Cuddy?'
'Yeah?' she still seemed a bit shaky, her voice wobbling as she spoke, but her strength was returning.
'You know what we have to do don't you?'
Her eyes widened, bright blue and fearful; she knew, she'd had to do it countless times with other patients, she clearly thought she'd never be on the receiving end.
'We have to get DNA samples, evidence, find a face to fit.'
She shook her head, refusal, eyes cast downwards. Pretending, trying to ignore everything, push him away. He wouldn't let her.
'Cuddy, look at me.' He lifted his forefinger stroking it along the underside of her chin, gently forcing her head upwards. She didn't flinch under his touch, her head rising, if somewhat reluctantly. Her eyes met his own; they were brimming with tears.
He hadn't ever seen her cry, her stubbornness flowed through every aspect of her life, a dam holding everything back, refusing to let the salt streams fall, which would speak words through water, making her feelings crystal clear. She wasn't transparent and he thought she never would be. This was the night he watched her dam brake, the river of emotions crashing into him, drowning him, watching her gasp for air as she struggled to stop.
He watched a tear break free only to be whipped away by his thumb as he brushed it over her cheek.
'We have to do this cuddy, you know that? How many more will fall if we don't?' it was him and her, together, 'we' not 'you', she wasn't alone. 'Come on cuddles, be the one to fight back.'
He could see his word weaving an effect over her. Adding fire to the blue spark he'd witnessed earlier, watching it burn.
'You trust me?'
She nodded; no hesitation.
'I'll do it if you let me, no one else need know. I won't allow anyone else to touch you if you don't want.'
She shook her head, he thought she was refusing his help, his touch, he'd failed.
'No, I don't want anyone else,' she looked at him, a scared smile tainting her lips as she spoke, 'only you. I trust you.'
He felt the bubble threaten to burst, unknown emotion overflowing, it was jagged, edge with sadness, but the fact she would let him in meant more to him than she'd ever know.
'Ok.' He gave her hand a tight squeeze, breathing in deep, 'you ready?'
She nodded, 'as ready as I'll ever be.'
He gathered all necessary equipment. Cuddy laid back on the sofa, eyes tight shut, blocking out the light, arm flung over her eyes ignoring what House was having to do.
Once he had collected relevant samples, extracted skin fragments from under her nails, saliva and other DNA samples, slightly harder and harsher but had to be done, he covered her over with the towel, nudging her ever so slightly, evidence of the examination hidden away.
'Cuddy? Do you want a shower?'
She nodded, nails scratching the surface; the invisible dirt coating her skin; making her feel unclean, desperate, wishing to wash the muck away. House felt, no matter how hard she scrubbed the memory would be burned into her skin for a lifetime. She may lighten the layer, remove most of the dirt over a couple of months but flecks would always remain.
'The showers just down the hall on the left.' His hands wrapped loosely round her wrists to stable her, legs clearly weak, wincing at the aches and pains that started to make themselves known, shooting through her every time she move, little piercing reminders every step she took.
Some people, unknowing of the evenings events, might find the sight comical, House, hobbling without his cane, holding Cuddy, who was barely able to stand; each individual supporting the other one, helping them to walk, preventing them from falling; a physical representation of House and Cuddy's relationship and how beautiful it truly was, even if it was unknown to them.
He helped her into the shower switching it on, running his hand under the warm stream to check the temperature before leaving, shutting the door with a click behind him. She didn't lock it, she felt no need to shut him out, he'd seen it all now, watching her highs and now supporting her through her lows. He knew everything and she didn't feel the need to hide.
He heard the water change as she stepped under the spray. He limped back into the living room bagging the necessary samples that needed to be delivered as soon as possible.
The police station was only a few minutes away. He could take Cuddy in later. The sooner these were sent off the better. He grabbed his coat and keys. He thought of calling out but didn't think it was needed, he didn't want to startle her and hopefully he would be back before she left the shower, so she would be unknowing of his presence or lack of it. Just encase he left a note on the side and slipped out, stooping to retrieve his helmet off the sidewalk.
The night was cold. He settled on his bike revving the engine racing off into the darkness.
…………………
The police station had taken too long, much longer than he ever imagined. Explaining the situation and delivering the sample. He had to provide I.D and other forms of evidence to prove he knew how to have conducted a thorough and correct examination. It was so clinical, he was pleased Cuddy had not been exposed to the harshness; she would have broken down there and then. The police had dragged it on way too long and he'd been getting crosser by the minute. Cuddy would wonder where he was, he was late, she was alone, he never should have left her. He'd have to bring her in for her statement tomorrow, if she could handle it and he would be there every step of the way.
He pulled up outside the house. It was silent. He ran up the steps scrabbling for the key desperate to get inside. He plunged it into the lock, twisting hard and fast forcing the door open the moment it came free, holding it steady, no bang, he didn't want to make her jump.
'Cuddy?' It rung out in the room. She knew he was here and yet nothing, no movement, not a whisper. Something wasn't right.
He stumbled down the hallway, ears tuning in to the sound of water, his brow furrowed, she should be done by now.
His fingertips rested against the door, weighing up the decision to push it open or walk away. 'Cuddy?'
A weak sob broke out and he panicked pushing the door open with more force than necessary. His eyes whirling round the room in search of her coming to rest on a crouching figure, a ball beneath the waterfall of now ice cold water crashing down around her. The skin on her forearm rubbed raw, a rash spreading, tiny pin pricks of blood which she had brought to the surface in her violent desperation to cleanse herself.
'Cuddy!' He grabbed a towel darting forward getting caught in the spray as he switched the shower off. She was frozen, her lips tinted blue, shivering within his arms which he'd wrapped tightly around her holding the towel, rubbing to warm her.
'I feel…' she hiccupped, a bubble of sadness breaking free, 'dirty. It won't…hiccup…go.'
He settled down beside her, her head falling against him, wet curls soaking through his t-shirt as she buried her face in his chest silently sobbing as he rocked her back and forth in his arms.
He didn't know what to do, unable to provide comfort he just held her, no words were spoken. He just sat there in silence, hoping he could help her through this.
Once the tears subsided she lifted her head to face him, 'sorry' her eyes were blood shot but beautiful, her skin pale and soft.
He ran his finger over her cheek brushing away a stray curl running it through his fingers before tucking it behind her ear, 'you have nothing to be sorry for.' He steadied himself on the bar, standing, pulling her with him, towel still wrapped round her frame.
He helped her to his room, hunting through his draws to find a loose, baggy t-shirt, passing it over, turning his back as she pulled it on. He looked back, helping her under the covers, wrapping them round her, injecting warmth and comfort as she curled into a tight ball. He settled himself on the top of the duvet beside her, his hand running over her forehead, calming and comforting, listening as her breathing finally slowed and she drifted off into slumber.