OMG I'm sorry this has taken so long. I have been snowed under with exams and coursework and have tried to write this over the little bits of free time I've had, scribbling bits down in between revision and Christmas. 1 exam down 2 to go…wooo :( but I have taken tonight (after my first exam) to get this up for you because I felt it had been too long! So I hope you enjoy this chapter…(and house isn't too OOC!!) it is a little sad but it kind of reflects a bit (ok a lot) of how I've been feeling lately…so people this is written from the heart. :).
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Reviewers:-
Tobylove: Sorry its taken so long! I hope it was worth the wait!
Relative Minor: Thank You! Describing feelings is a major part of this story. This chapter is kind of dedicated to it. I'm sorry it's taken so long…I hope the withdrawal symptoms haven't got too bad :). Hope u enjoy it as much as the last!
Cedar: Thank you! Curiosity is a good thing…keeps you reading lol :)
Snowotter: I love it when people think I capture the characters well because it is the one thing I try very hard to do. I'm pleased it's got your attention captured so much and I hope you like this chap and that they stay in character….it was quite hard as it is emotional…and house and emotions don't go well together.
thevigilante15: sorry :( here it is…finally!!
kismetindy: I don't know whether to be happy or sad it broke your heart!!! I am flattered it had such an impact. And what happens about the kiss and whether she will push him away completely will remain to be seen….
NaiveEve: OMG wow high praise. As you know I love the word beautiful as a description for the story. :) And your description on how I describe it was very descriptive too lol!! Hopefully the insight into house's mind will only get better….it isn't easy…his mind is a complicated one!! And what has happened to walk in my shoes???? Update…please!!!!
Buba: I know its obvious….its so hard to keep it a secret and yet give enough clues to the characters for them to figure out because all the clue you give them the audience gets too…and they work things out faster because you can't control them!! I am so pleased you liked both my stories because they are very different and if that is the only criticism…I have a big grin:)
the.sage: lol I intend to carry on…and I'm happy its getting good….drama is my middle name :).
Jordan Oh wow!! You think I have talent!! Thank you! I try to out do myself with every chapter but with reviews like this its hard lol.
house's phoenix: -grins- thank you!! Moved and speechless…I hope your voice has come back again lol!! And thank you for the compliments!!!
luv2luv-Hugh: LMAO I loved that review. I am sorry it took so long chippy hangs head in shame. U'll have 2 whip me harder next time (j/K) lol.
Kris the fanficaholic: OMG I'm so sorry lol! I don't mean to make people cry….it just has that effect. I will write one after which will hopefully make you laugh :).
manowar101: I am a description queen…I sometimes wonder if I over do it! I am pleased you like my story…thank you!!!
DesertAire: Wow thank you!! I shall get them out of this one…I have the whole story in my head…its just finding the time to write it lol! I'm sorry about the typos…those things just slip under my radar…I read it over and over again but if it sounds write I miss the spelling. :( I shall try and do better!
DCI Panda: we still have a little way to go before that…but trust me it will happen and when it does….-big grin-!!!!!
HouseAddiction: Lmao I love your reviews…they're just as dramatic as my writing! It will become less depressing eventually….I promise lol!!
starstacey: Thank you! I spend a long time thinking about story and chap titles and stuff they change so many times lol! Sorry it took so long!
Axelchick: Oh thank you! I try to keep it as original as possible but with so many good writers your sure it's probably been done somewhere before! I hope this chapter is as amazing and keeps getting your high praise :)!!
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Lighting the Way
The smooth surface ran between his finger tips before they came to rest on the end, the jagged edges scratching into his skin. Every turn caused the moonlight to catch it, his eyes shimmering with the tears, refusing to let them fall. He'd failed. He'd come home to an empty house. 'I'm sorry' the only two words that accompanied the abandoned key. He was sat in the darkness, whisky twirling in one hand as he let his thoughts wonder. He had been so close, balanced for once in his life, someone else's sorrow to focus on. Now he was alone again, wallowing in his own self pity and despair, drowning in a bottle. The jangle rang out into the silence, the key falling to the floor.
His eyes remained unfocused, watching a spot beyond the walls as his sadness turned into anger, the whisky reflecting in his eyes, flames of golden fury flickering burning into his mind. What could he have done? He'd, had no way out; pushed into a corner, his heart pushing him forward, his desperation; his overwhelming want for the woman reaching out to him. The memory of her lips still lingered, the soft, warm weight of them as they glided over his drawing him closer, sucking his sense from him leaving him nothing but an empty shell of desire. In that brief moment he'd lost control and, as always, he paid the price.
He should have listened, his conscious screaming in his ears before it was drowned out by the pounding of his heart. Push her away, she didn't want him, she needed him; the lines becoming marred by her emotions, blurred by tears, seeking comfort in his arms, trying to lose herself in his touch.
It would have hurt her, the pain in her eyes when he forced her away but it would have been for the best. The realisation of what she'd done would have sunk in but she may not have fled, run from him and any help he could provide. She'd isolated herself, her job the only solace in which she could hide, the only form of comfort left, buried in her paper work as she tried to ignore the mounting amount of problems resting on her shoulders. No longer willing to share the load, no one left to turn to.
He'd never wanted to be a shoulder to cry on, his harsh thoughts and beliefs, his words cold and sharp, stinging anyone who made the mistake of running to him for comfort. But she had battered his exterior, her tears washing away his spiteful words. He had felt an alien need to hold her, to make her smile and build her back up. The doctor of destruction helping her re-build her life, the life that had just come crashing down around her once more, built on rocky foundations, the poison he unleashed leaked into everyone. No matter how hard he tried to help he ruined everything.
Her face flashed before his eyes. Why had she run to him? The man who had made her cry so many times, torn her with his words, who seemed to feel joy in other peoples sorrow. She'd seen something he didn't even acknowledge was there. He could still see the tears, her eyes, lost and empty. He'd give anything just to see her cry once more, to make her cry, if it meant he could wipe the tears away, feel her skin beneath his finger tips, be able to touch her one more time. His overwhelming desire to see her hurt and sad so he could bring her joy only strengthened his level of disgust, he hated himself.
The glass tipped between his finger tips, testing its weight, his anger building, coursing through his veins. The anger at himself for falling, his emotions for betraying him, his heart for making him lose control, his head for abandoning him when he needed it the most and her for giving him the opportunity to ruin everything. If she'd just left him, run to someone else for comfort, needed someone else. If he'd turned away, if he'd stayed true to form and left her alone none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have fallen and she wouldn't be on her own. His own form of self destruction, bringing everything crashing down around him no matter what he did, his life was just a pile of rubble.
He lifted the glass higher, eyes never moving from the point, focused and distant.
He let it fly, the golden liquid swirling in the glass as it flew through the air shattering as it hit the wall, dripping down to the floor, glass scattering around his feet. His eyes were still focused on the same point, unblinking.
Destruction.
What he was used to, what he reverted to, the life he knew so well had returned.
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She felt empty, devoid of emotion, nothing but weariness and pain. She blinked, tears stung her cheeks as they broke free, burning a path over her skin, the constant thoughts weighing down her mind, now just a constant blur before her eyes. She was curled in a ball, legs tight up to her chest, drowning in silence. She missed the sound of his voice, the rare sound of his laughter, his breathing lulling her to sleep, another noise to shatter the silence. She had never felt so alone, nobody to help, hers the only hand she could hold, her warmth her only comfort. She was lost and hurting, her heart feeling bruised and broken, its weakened beat the only thing keeping her alive.
She wanted to lose herself in darkness, drown in her sorrows, and succumb to the numbness induced by alcohol as it flooded her veins and the parasite within. She felt sick to her stomach, wanting to retch, purge her body of the poison flooding through her. Every burning feeling, every evil thought blooming in her mind, resulted in waves of guilt crashing over her.
She was staring at the blood like liquid twirling round her wine glass, fingers dancing over the stem, moonlight glinting on the surface. She placed it on the table out of her reach, eyes focused, watching the whole time. She wanted to down it, feel the warmth of it wash over her, lulling her to an unconscious state, shutting out the world, never wishing to wake up. It was so close and yet she wouldn't. This child was what she'd wished for, she couldn't kill an innocent victim, and as a doctor she knew the risks of alcohol to a baby. She rose, legs swinging out from under her, the carpet soft underfoot as she padded into the kitchen, wine glass in hand, liquid tumbling over the sides, a waterfall, leaking like her tears.
The temptation was poured away, vanishing in a whirlpool. Red, the sign of danger, of pain, of anger, so many emotions reflected by one single colour and it symbolised it all. She didn't know whether to scream or cry her desire to find a release to the overwhelming pressure, the thoughts consuming her mind. Her voice remained silent, her tears had run dry.
Her hands parted over the smooth expanse of her worktop, head falling back against her shoulders, eyes tight shut as she sighed at the ceiling. She could feel the ache down her neck, the weight of the world running its way over her shoulders. She just wanted to sleep and yet her mind wouldn't let go, tethering her to the hell in which she lived, alone.
She'd pushed him away by coming closer.
Her head shook, her arms forcing her body to turn, feet padding down the hallway. Her mind was not on where she was going, but where she had been, what she had done, the same film replaying in her mind, a broken record. She followed the familiar path to her bedroom, the way in which she'd walked, stumbled and crawled along so many years before and the many emotions she'd felt working her way to her room, ready to close her eyes and let the emotions wash over her and away as she let sleep claim her.
The lights dazzled her eyes, the sting somewhat welcome; the moment of physical pain obscuring any room for thought or feeling. The cold water dripped over her skin as she splashed it onto her face, cleaning away the makeup and refreshing, wiping away the trails of mascara, the liquid black staining her skin.
Hands holding onto the cold sink, water falling from her face trickling down her collar, shivering. Her eyes rested on the mirror, the image it reflected, ignoring the dark hair, wild blue eyes, and pale perfect skin, lost in the depth of her eyes, empty and lost, dark and lonely. This sad woman in front of her, a quivering wreck of memories and emotions. She was tired, the symbols of stress etched under her eyes no longer hidden by her concealer.
Her clothes left her body, for once letting them rest where they fell. The nightgown, cool, gliding over her skin, sliding over her slim weak frame not yet beginning to show signs of what was growing within, what she was going to lose if she let the months pass and the miracle curse remain.
Her hands slid over her abdomen, desperate to feel the life fluttering inside her and yet wishing it to go away. Contrasting, opposite emotions pulling her apart, repelling each other, each feeling the antithesis of the next.
Her hands fell to her side, pulling the cover back, slipping in beneath it, muscles going weak as it engulfed her, tightly wrapping round her frame, safe, calm...alone.
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His fingers danced over the keys, the melodies playing out into the night, still as beautiful and sure even in his drunken haze. Each key struck a cord within, playing to sooth his sorrow, calm his pain.
He felt unsure. The emotions he was so used to remaining isolated and alone in the back of his mind were now rampaging between its walls. He had no barriers against them, no natural form of attack.
He was going to distance himself from it all, pull back, pull away. He was getting lost in the moment, allowing her to draw him in, her emotions and guilt starting to dance with his heart. Why should he care? She was his boss, he was her employee. He helped her when she needed it and now she no longer wanted it; her disappearing act had made that clear, and he was the wrong kind of man if she wanted him to force help upon her.
He would remain away, formal, allowing the anger he felt to be projected at the world and strengthen his original walls with the vein hope that she didn't attack again. His honesty making him fearful he would fall once more and his stubbornness determined he wouldn't. Happy to remain ignorant, ignore the effect, the power she has. Ignore his emotions which were telling him to go over there and make amends, sort out what was going on and allow it to lead to a conclusion. He didn't go to anyone first and was never one to make an apology and he wasn't going to start now.
He didn't need her before and he certainly didn't need her now. She used him for comfort, it was no longer needed. His pain and pills were the only company he required, finding comfort in the dark space he occupied moments before her battered form stumbled into his life. He was falling back into his hole and his stubborn mind refusing to acknowledge that he wished, just for one moment, the light had remained.
He felt the cool liquid float down his throat, his eyelids heavy, his body slow and sluggish. He stumbled into his room crashing into the covers.
She was on her own now. This was what she chose, how she wanted it to be and he would respect that. The baby was her choice, but how he hated it.
Lying on his back, stare resting on the ceiling, the moonlight leaking in. His gaze fell to the window to see the stars gazing back innocent and twinkling, lighting up the dark. Cuddy was the symbol of his star, the light in his darkness. He closed his eyes, blocking the site of the stars, shimmering and joyful seeming to dance across the sky. His eyelids killed their reflection, so desperate to dance in his eyes. He turned away from the window.
His light had just gone out.
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She was resting on the window sill, sleep had refused to come. She sat there, head against the cold pain of glass, her breath misting up the image before her. Eyes staring at the moon, bright and golden, lighting a path down the street, glinting its way over leaves and cars. The street was silent and deserted, seeming the only one awake, everyone lost in their dreams unknowing of her turmoil.
She had been thinking about her problem; the one 'thing' that had blossomed on that night which she had never expected. Her knees were wrapped up to her chest, tight and comforting, her frame curled up trying to stay warm, unwilling to move.
She didn't know what to do. She had her wish; this 'thing' was growing inside her. She could have it removed, taken away from her. If she did that then she didn't deserve to be a mother. The guilt at killing her child too much to bear would eat her from the inside. While having this monster's, this man's 'thing' would mean seeing her memories reflected. Every time she looked into its eyes seeing her nightmare staring back.
She had a choice to make, not easy, but simple. To keep or kill. This was her one wish, her one hope. She couldn't kill it in revenge, she would only hurt herself. No matter what she did after the birth, not having this 'thing' would hurt her more than anything.
This 'thing'. She stopped, blinking, forehead contracting into a frown. This baby, not thing, baby.
Her baby.
She faltered, hands slipping down to her abdomen.
'Baby' a quiet whisper into the silence, 'my baby.' The words felt weird. 'I'm going to have a baby.'
She looked back up. The stars were winking down at her and a small but slightly sad and tainted smile flickered onto her lips.
TBC
...Please Review...i'm snowed under with revision books...i need my reviews to distract me and make me smile!!!...