Author note:

Omg I'm so sorry for leaving this fic for so long! I have been drowned under with work and as I think I've mentioned before I've been quite unwell for the passed few months…but everything is ok sorted for now. I have been writing this chapter for ages…I felt I had lost my edge and found it really hard to get it right and where I was going with it. I knew the overall storyline but the little details are hard to do! I thank you for your patience and I hope this chapter was worth the waiting for! There are a few more highs and lows to go before the end (so quite a few more chapters to come) but it will be Huddy and it will be happy! I've just started another funny fic too called a walk on the wild side for those of you who like more humorous writing!! Funnily enough when the revision hit I started writing again….think I'm trying to distract myself...hmmm lol!

Review replies

Huddy fan: Thank you :) It is very much a roller coaster and I'm on it every time I write. I love writing emotions because it gets me to explore the character more and get inside there head….but I also have some fun fics on the go too :).

RedLocque: I agree there is a lot of angst but don't worry this fic will have a happy ending. There a few more highs and lows in the roller coaster…but it just builds up House and Cuddy's relationship…..I promise it we be a very happy huddy ending!!!

Scuddyrific Lol I'd give anything to be a script writer :). I try very hard to paint a clear image in my readers head and make them experience the emotions of the characters….I'm so happy that my efforts paid off :). I'm flatter that my writing worked so well and I thank you for such a lovely review.

Cristina: Updating lol….here you go. Thanks for the review!!

Ninfa-LostMD: aww thank you :)

PaulaAbdulChica2007: I work really hard on capturing the characters emotions and making the audience experience them too!! Thank you! I love it when my fic is called beautiful because that was what I was aiming for from the start!

luv2luv-Hugh: YOUR smut missy???…remember you need to share it lol! You can't keep it all to yourself…however you now have a smut fic totally dedicated to you so you should be happy lol! Ahhh yes old age is a terrible thing….I think you've forgotten something very important to…I believe it was called the great art of getting even…hmmm…..you need to keep that coming to……I've been waiting patiently for I don't know how long…..hurry up moo!!!!

kismetindy: thank you for the in depth review :)! I'm trying so hard to develop both house and cuddy through the story so the reader can see the way each high/low that happens has an impact on their lives and who they are. I write it from both perspectives so you can see where both of them is coming from and get deep inside their heads.

NaiveEve: WOW! What a review!!! I'm still updating lol! Working hard at my uni work in the day and my house fics at night now!

Alternating kind of comes naturally to me. I can get so inside their heads now that when I'm writing it from their perspective I don't get muddled. I struggled with it at first but now it's starting to become second nature. I'm flattered you think I do it so well!!

I try and make their thoughts as in depth as possible and I'm pleased they seem to be in character!

I love it when you pick lines out which you love…and to add to it the lines you pick are normally my favorite ones lol! This story is very angsty which was new to me. I tried to make it like that but not too harsh…I hate harsh fics because I can't read them…so I tried to make my fic fairly soft just with a harsh edge.

I'm so happy you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy reading yours…..walking in my shoes nudge lol:)

MirPez: aww it made you misty lol….I hope this one will bring a smile to your face instead :) and thank you for the well wishes with my class….I hope it goes well 2 (exams are on the way :s)

Shannyn: Thank you! I do try and get into the heads of the characters….its weird I can only write at night because it makes it easier to think like them then. As for the outcome of cuddy's situation….you will just have to wait and see.

Aldea0402: I'm sorry you did have to wait so long! I'm flattered you read all the way through. I hope you like this chapter as much as the last ones!

Axelchick: I hope I continue with good chapters too. Everyone I write I convince myself I've lost my edge! Thank you for the lovely review…I'm so happy to be receiving such nice feedback! Yep exams are upon us and I am drowned in revision….why is it only now I decide to start writing lol!

DCI Panda: thank you for the luck….I'm going to need it!

Buba: YAY that was my aim lol!

the.sage: Yep this is one hell of a roller coaster. There will be a few more highs and lows….and then of cause the ending…which of course will be one big high!!! (NO sad endings for me…oh no!!!)

addicted2coffee: thank you! It was a sad chapter…and I got a bit tearful when writing it lol!

house's phoenix: Lol! I'm not sure what I would do (I hope I never have to find out) but I felt cuddy couldn't do something like that! She has a massive guilt complex…similar to me! As for the love/hate I can understand that…it's similar to my relationship with this fic lol! I hate having all this crap happen to cuddy but its all worth it in the end! I am overwhelmed with all the praise I've been getting! It makes my day getting nice reviews!

HouseAddiction: lol thank you! Yep we found out she was pregnant in the previous chapters! Don't worry I find it hard to keep up with what's happening….and I'm writing the thing!! I hope my exams go well too…two weeks till they arrive…and counting :s.

thevigilante15: Lol this chapter sorts a few things out…and they will definitely be lovers in time! You know me…I can't resist huddy action lol!

mowrocks: I work hard with the emotions in this fic…so if that's you favorite part this is definitely for you. Its quite stressful writing it though...cos sometimes you get a bit too wrapped up in it all lol!

...

Feelings of Honesty

Avoidance, he'd been trying to hide away, not wishing to be reminded of the emotions that bubbled forth every time he saw her. Happy to live a lie, convince himself he wasn't needed, wasn't wanted. She would be fine.

He hadn't been able to stay away for long.

Five days had passed and here he was watching, waiting, wondering. He had no cases, nothing to occupy his mind, the walls of which were filled with his overwhelming curiosity. Allowing the puzzle to distract him, focus. He liked puzzles, black and white, right and wrong. Humans were grey; they lived in a life of indeterminate colour, feelings, emotions and lies thrown in the mix.

She was his puzzle, her decision. His attention was merely quizzical or so he convinced himself. Everybody lies…mostly to themselves.

She was oblivious to his gaze, eyes focused on the words before her, pen rhythmically running over the page.

He wanted to charge in there, questions flying from his lips. He wanted to know, had to know, whether the parasites offspring would be walking among them in the coming months. House didn't think he could hate a bundle of cells so much, fearful of watching it slowly suck the life and happiness out of her. He couldn't help it, no matter how much he tried he couldn't let go.

The rumble of voices broke his concentration, his frame whipping round as his ducklings approached. He remained silent, holding his hand out for the file, allowing it to fall open in his fingertips eyes scanning the page, ignoring the relief that flooded through him at having a distraction.

……………………………..

The words were a blur, her head a wash with emotions, hate, joy, sadness, loneliness and loss. She missed him. Their banter, the way he made her laugh making her day pass faster, giving her something to do, drawing her away from her paperwork. She complained, but honestly she didn't care, she needed the distraction. But he'd gone, what they had, had died, and she ached for him. Her whole heart swelling every time she thought about their last few moments before she'd fled. She couldn't handle it, her need for him she could understand, but it was the want that she feared. Her uncertainty was pulling her apart; the fear fighting with desire, ripping her heart in two; a new type of pain leaking from her wounds.

She hadn't seen him at all, not even in passing. Every time she'd ever come close, invading his territory he'd darted away. The blue of his eyes was burned into her memory. They had landed on her, flickering with some unknown emotion before he'd fled down the hall.

He'd behaved, and people had started asking questions. Everyone wanted House this way and yet when it happened they just couldn't let it lie; their curiosity barrelling her with questions everyday.

She could feel the red haze form over her eyes, squeezing them shut as the starting waves of pain assaulted her, her head throbbing as her fingers massaged her temples trying to loosen the tightening coil in her mind.

Her sigh echoed out into the empty air, the sadness leaking through into one harsh breath.

Then a giggle broke out. What she'd give for a lawsuit, anything to say her House was still there. Her eyes snapped open, he wasn't hers. She'd lost him, pushed him away, ripping herself from his side, abandoning the warmth of his comfort.

All she had left was her….and her baby. It was a weird thought. One which she wished to share, but there was no one left.

She was sat here, accompanied by the unknown person inside her, but she didn't feel comforted by that fact. She had no one to hold her hand, share the highs and lows; she was all on her own…again. She should be used to dealing with things on her own and yet…she'd never felt so lonely, so alone. In everything else she'd never been truly alone. The realisation hit her hard, his invisible hand holding her up stemming every fall. He was the invisible shadow plaguing her every move ready to run in when needed, and he always did. He watched her hard enough to know whenever anything was wrong, always there, her broken angel. She laughed, it sounded bitter even to her, feeling herself choke on her tears.

Her head bowed, forcing herself to see passed the teardrops blurring her site. She blinked, tearing the cloud apart, watching the broken droplets cling to her lashes a single one falling fast, hitting the page. The ink seeped into it like poison, spreading over the clean white sheet before her. It was like the loneliness leaking into every corner of her soul, she'd barely been sown shut before she'd broken again, and this time there was no one to help heal her wounds. The one man that would, the only man that could…was running from her.

………………………………………………………………………………

The ball twirled between his fingers, his mind mulling over what he had to do. His patient needed surgery, he needed her signature, her consent. Never more of an appropriate time than the present, and with every ticking second, his patient was closer to death. But he couldn't do it. He wanted to, so desperate to see her face, hear her voice but he was fearful. Fear wasn't unknown to him, but he hated it. The sickening grip on his stomach dragging him back to his child hood, with every accident, every mistake, every word, the fear that invaded his life, that he'd finally left behind, was back…and stronger than ever before.

But it was different. His fear of his father had made him want to run. His current fear still did, but whether it was to her or away was another question, metaphorically based of course, the best he could do now was hobble.

He frowned, the ball falling to his feet, rolling along the floor taking the canes balance, causing it to fall into his lap. He eyed it, fingers slipping round the polished handle. His crutch, this held him up and as hard as it was to admit, he supported her, when she needed him. The guilt flooded through him. The one moment she needed him most he'd gone and ripped her crutch out from beneath her. He'd let her run, the one time he should have pushed her, been persistent, going round her house, not letting her leave his support. He should have pushed his emotions aside, not let them plague him like he had. He'd let himself become vulnerable to his heart and then unwillingly let his hate and anger leak into it.

He pulled himself up, ignoring the stabbing pain that always accompanied movement. It stung like a familiar friend, forcing him forward, walking to ease it, following the well known path to her office.

He couldn't watch her fall, he couldn't let her fall. He was going to catch her again, if she'd let him, but first he needed to find out what kind of ball game he was playing.

…………………………………………….

The door slammed open, her heart hammering as she jumped. The loud bang a noise she was once so familiar with, a noise she thought she'd never hear again.

His blue eyes hit her immediately.

'House?' she tried to hide the relief in her voice, but it leaked through.

'Surely you haven't forgotten me Cuddy, it hasn't been that long.' Snarky, like nothing had ever happened. The old House hitting her with full force, and for once she wanted it; the rush of a match rippling through her.

'I've been trying to.' The little smile softened the blow of her lines, ensuring he knew it was a joke. She couldn't forget him if she tried, if she was honest, she would never want to. To forget him would be to lose many of her happiest memories, the ones she clung onto when work got to hard and life a little to low in the dead of night. 'What do you need House?' She knew he'd be there for a reason; his pattern of behaviour spoke for itself. He needed her for a reason; sadly she knew it wasn't the one she wanted.

'Patient, surgery, signature, all that jazz.' He bit his lip, watching her, eyes snapping to her hand as she held it out.

'File?'

He placed it in her palm, still watching, waiting, for something. His piercing stare made her shift, uncomfortable for once. Wishing to know the question he was asking, but knew too well to make assumptions.

'Everything looks fine.' Her pen scratched over the page, her signature now scribbled over it, a simple mark with so much power. She handed it back to him, reluctant to lift her head, knowing his eyes were still burning into her. It was weird how such a cool stare could create so much fire. She met his eyes. 'Anything else?'

His eyes ran over her once, still searching for something. He shook his head, turning to leave. Her eyes never left is back noticing his pause as his hand hit the handle of her door, his body starting as though pulled between two forces. He had something he wanted to know, she knew it. House's behaviour meant he had an ulterior motive. She heard him suck in a breath, patiently waiting for him to speak. His head turned to look at her before thinking better of it and forcing himself to face the door once more.

'Did you keep it?'

His words startled her, the shock of them being uttered so gently. He had no wish to hurt her, his curiosity obviously eating him. The hard set of his shoulders, tense, waiting to hear her answer; for the first time ever she sensed his uncertainty, truly not knowing the outcome of his puzzle.

She took a few short sharp breaths, calming, trying to force the one simple word from her lips. Finding it so hard, being unable to predict his reaction. Worried about the impact this one word could have. He was here and she didn't want to let him slip through her fingers again. She needed him there for her, the one constant in her life keeping her going. But she had to tell him the truth; otherwise anything they build will be sure to fall apart in the months to come. Everybody lies but she refused to lie to him.

'Yes,' it was barely a whisper, breathing deep, uttering it louder, stronger, she couldn't shield him from it and uttering it out into the open made the reality of it sink in. 'yes I am.'

He paused, nodded one and then left her office. Not looking back. Her eyes slowly watching him walk away once more.

……………………………………………………

He gave the file to his ducklings, ordering them to prep the patient. They followed his orders without question, knowing something was wrong but time had taught them not to ask. Only Cameron lingered behind, but his sharp look quickly sent her fleeing.

He fell into his chair, leaning forward as his hand grazed over the stubble, burning his palms coming to rest beneath his chin. She'd decided to keep it. He hadn't been shocked. He knew deep down she would. The guilt would have killed her; at least there was something good to come out of this in some twisted way. She got her wish, it was tainted, but it was something. Now he had to decide how best to help her. He hadn't meant to walk away without saying anything, but that single word had rendered him speechless. If he'd turned to look at her his emotions would have shone through. He needed time to think. He had wanted to be away from her the moment he heard her answer him. Now he wanted to be back by her side.

Life was bloody confusing. Too many questions and not enough answers. Nothing set in stone, every answer changing with the wind.

He watched the time tick by; the every second clicks lulling him into a daze as he lost himself in the walls of his mind. Searching for the answer, knowing for once it wasn't written in the documents of him memory. He'd have to find this one on his own; no text book could help him, only his heart. He knew what he wanted to do so he decided to follow his instincts; they'd never let him down before and for once he'd trust his feelings, and see where they take him.

……………………………………………

Her heels clicked over the concrete, echoing around the garage. She'd had a long day. The ache running over her was like the weight of the world on her shoulders. She rolled her neck trying to ease the pain, and failing. Her hands fumbled in her bag for her keys. She was so tired, clumsy, they jangled between her fingertips before falling to the ground. She stooped over, halting slightly as she heard the tell tale beat of a cane. Fingers fumbling she stood, pursing her lips as she waited for him to walk by; not expecting any of his attention to be on her. She jumped when a warm hand slid into hers. Her eyes slid down before travelling up the arm, to a pair of bright blue eyes. They twinkled at her, still guarded but she could see something, it was a look which was unknown to her and yet it felt so familiar at the same time.

'I didn't drive in; Wilson's abandoned me so I need a lift. Is the baby bearing boss willing to give me one?'

She smiled, his hand squeezing hers with enough pressure to let her know he was there for her. Every thing was ok. Relief flooded through her, overwhelming, chasing away her ability to speak. She nodded and slipped into her car, trying to hide the grin as he slid in beside her. she faced the window as a big smile broke over her face, hiding it from him, unaware he could see her reflection in the mirror, and was feeling the same sense of happiness deep down inside.

TBC

please review :) exams are nasty things, revision makes me low...and reviews make me happy!!