Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers
Intro: Today, we come to the first montage of this little story. And for all you Clack worshippers out there (that includes me) I believe I am doing my part in this chapter. Anyway, I give you the next chapter! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
And on another note, new disc means new characters watching! This time, it's: still Cloud, Zack, Sephiroth, and Aerith, but with Seifer, Squall, Leon (yes, BOTH of them), Yuffie, and Zell. Yay!
Disclaimer: All I own is the ideas for these bloopers. And even some of those I DON'T own… I'm gonna go sulk now…
WARNING: EXTREME OOCNESS AHEAD, PLUS CID BLOOPERS, SO YOU KNOW THERE'S GONNA BE SWEARING!
Chapter Five
Weapon and Materia Malfunctions Plus Freudian Slips
-VILLA-
Leon sat up in bed on a warm spring morning, banging his head on the bunk above him in the process, having been woken by a loud explosion from the upper floor. Not that that was an uncommon thing when you lived in a giant villa with two all-the-time crazy people and seven other part time crazies, and him of course. Cid and Zell seemed to be working overtime, as the first explosion was quickly followed by another. Then came another quite different sound.
"YOU IDIOTS! HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING! NOW THERE'S CEREAL ALL OVER THE PLACE. YOU'RE CLEANING IT UP THIS TIME!" Aerith's voice filtered through the door. Yep, Cloud buying a big place and inviting everyone to stay here had been a great idea.
"They're awfully early to have blown up something." Squall, in the top bunk, said with a sigh. Apparently, when Aerith had started yelling he had sat up so fast that he had banged his head on the ceiling.
"Yeah, but we're going to watch bloopers today. They must just be excited," Leon replied.
"Well, just as long as Cid doesn't find the sugar we'll be fine."
Leon shuddered. "We'd better get down there, or Aerith'll kill 'em."
Within five minutes they were both identically and heading downstairs. On the stairs they ran into another man with a scar like Squall and Leon, AKA Seifer.
"I wouldn't go down there if I were you." Seifer said. "Zell got into Cid's Lucky Charms, and put them into the stupid microwave. And guess what…Lucky Charms can explode."
"So Aerith's in a bad mood." Leon finished.
"And he's making the chicken wusses scrape up all of it." Seifer concluded all the while glaring at Squall, who was glaring back. Needless to say, they didn't like each other much.
"Well, we've got to, remember, we're going to go to watch those bloopers today." Squall said with another glare.
"I know, I'm going to wake up Cloud and Zack."
With that, Seifer finished climbing the stairs, and Leon and Squall entered the kitchen. They immediately wished they hadn't. Aerith stood in the middle of the small, tiled room, supervising two men, who were scrubbing the floor.
"This doesn't look like a simple microwave explosion." Squall observed.
"Of course it isn't just a microwave explosion." Aerith said scornfully. "Cid over there threw a stupid tantrum because Mr. Tifa-moocher over there blew up his cereal. So he went and set every bit of food in the house on fire using Flare."
"Every bit?" Leon asked sadly.
"Every bit."
"If I can't have my Lucky Charms, no one can have their breakfast." Cid laughed happily.
"Shut up, and keep scrubbing." Aerith said, hitting him hard with Princess Guard.
"Hurry up and finish scrubbing, we're going to watch those bloopers today and we still have to eat before we see you guys make idiots of yourselves."
"Well whose up for Chick-Fil-A chicken biscuits." Leon said.
"I want my Lucky Charms," said Cid gloomily.
"Well if you finish we might get you some more stupid Lucky Charms if Zell doesn't blow them up again." Aerith said glaring at Zell.
"I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't frozen my best GF yesterday." Zell stated in his defense.
"Carbuncle wouldn't stop running around." Cid said innocently.
"We'll get you a new Carbuncle GF so just finish." Aerith sighed.
"Well we've got a bigger problem," said Seifer coming into the kitchen.
"Worse than this?" Aerith said gesturing to the sticky cereal covered kitchen.
"Yeah Cloud and Zack…" Yuffie began to giggle hysterically. "They won't get up."
"Let them sleep," Sephiroth said, yawning as he entered. "After all that noise they made last night…"
"Yeah it's their problem if they miss the bloopers!" Yuffie grinned widely.
"We'll wake them after these two finish," said Aerith. "In the meantime you two get dressed and Sephiroth get rid of those ridiculous pajamas."
"No! These pink bunny pajamas were all the rage last year!" Sephiroth said indignantly
"FOR THE LOVE OF THE PROMISED LAND, SEPH, TAKE THOSE PJS OFF!" shouted Aerith.
"Fine but I keep the underwear," Seph muttered.
"Finished," said Cid throwing the rag she was using in the clothesbasket followed by Zell.
"Well, we'll go wake Cloud and Zack up, then we can go get those biscuits," Leon said happily. So they climbed the stairs together to wake the ex-SOLDIERs up. Upon seeing their position, Zack holding Cloud protectively, both smiling, both shirtless, her left eye began to twitch spasmodically as Yuffie began to giggle behind her hands.
"Cloud, Cloud, CLOUD STRIFE!" Aerith shouted but Cloud wouldn't budge. In fact, all he did was moan and Zack's grip tightened on the blond.
"Let me try." Seph said coming up with a six gallon bucket filled to the brim with water quietly he climbed the ladder, bucket in hand and dumped it all on the two men's faces. It was amazing that every curse word known to man was said by Cloud.
"YOU DAMN MOTHER BEEP! BASTARD! WHERE IS MY BEEP SWORD! HERE IT IS! WHO DID IT! SEPHIROTH YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, YOU BEEP PIECE OF SHIT!" Cloud yelled, chasing Seph around the room sword in hand, swinging it violently around and still cursing as Zack blearily rubbed his eyes.
"Cloud calm down! Calm down or we can't watch the bloopers or get biscuits!" Leon shouted over Cloud's cursing. Cloud stopped, panting slightly, still glaring at Sephiroth.
"We're getting biscuits? Why?" he asked.
"Well after Zell destroyed the microwave, and Cid's Lucky Charms, Cid made a fire and used all the rest of the food as wood." Squall said sadly.
"All of it?" Cloud said in disbelief.
"All of it." Leon sighed. "So we're going to get biscuits from Chick-Fil-A."
"Okay, let's go," Cloud said grinning. So they went across the street to Chick-Fil-A where they ordered a dozen chicken biscuits(even though Cid wanted more).
"Well, everyone happy?" Leon asked.
"Yeah, but you're paying the bill," said Yuffie.
"Why?"
"'Cause it was your idea."
"Fine," Leon grumbled, placing a twenty dollar bill on the counter.
Breakfast passed without any excitement (except for Zack throwing his coffee dipped biscuit at Seph saying it was for the water he had dumped on his and Cloud's heads this morning, and interrupting them in the middle of the night).
Then they returned home and began to watch the bloopers.
"Are you guys ready to see yourselves get humiliated?" Squall asked, leaning against the armrest of the couch.
"Tch," Yuffie scoffed. "You wish."
-BLOOPERS-
Number 1 Blooper: Bahamut SIN Getting Ready to Blast Yuffie to Smithereens in AC
As Bahamut spun to blast at Yuffie, she took a few steps backward, unaware of the small ledge she was on.
Tetsuya: Uh, Yuffie… You might wanna-
Yuffie takes another step backwards and starts falling. "AHHHHHHHHH-"
-VILLA-
"Uh, opps," Sephiroth nervously (gaspeth) said as Yuffie snarled at him. He quickly switched the discs and they were met with a prettyful scene in FF7 with Aerith standing in front of the Highwind, like in her picture in the case.
Sephiroth hit "Play All" and the bloopers began.
-BLOOPERS-
Aerith Casting Cure2 on the Entire Party
Aerith did her normal magic casting thing and something enshrouded her. She and her teammates looked around, too, but they couldn't see anything.
"I think I cast 'Blind,'" the flower girl said sheepishly.
"No duh, ya jac-" Cid was abruptly cut off by the grim reaper dude coming out of virtually Bumhell Nowhere and ripped out their souls. Well, actually… Cloud ran away from him, screaming like a baby.
"AHHH! NO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE STILL! STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID GRIM REAPER!!"
Tetsuya: Note to self: Never connect Restore and Destruct materia in Aerith's staffs…
WARNING: I WOULDN'T EXACTLY SAY THIS IS A MALFUNCTION OF ANYTHING, BUT PLEASE SKIP THIS BLOOPER IF YOU DO NOT LIKE CLACK! (CLOUDxZACK)
Gold Saucer Date Thing Yeah…
(Idea was from a movie on YouTube)
Cloud watched the pouring rain outside of his room in the Ghost Hotel (or whatever the hell the place was called) when there was a knock on the door and in walked Zack.
"Hey, buddy, you feeling better?" Zack asked.
Cloud turned to his black haired friend. "Yeah, but Zack… I don't see how this is going to help us stay away from Hojo… Why the Gold Saucer anyway?"
"Uh… Cause my sword said so, that's why!" Zack declared. Cloud shot him an incredulous look. "Now come on! You need fresh air, and nothing's fresher than the air outside." He began to push Cloud outside of his room.
Panicking from the human contact, Cloud began to struggle in his friend's grip. ""C-Can't we ask your sword for a second opinion?"
On the Gondola…
Zack turned his violet eyes toward Cloud, who had his arms crossed and a cute pout on his face for being dragged along on this ride, of all things. Zack hesitated for a second, before speaking to Cloud.
"Hey, Cloud, we're friends, right?"
Cloud looked at him, shocked a moment. "Uh…yeah, I guess."
"So, we can share anything, right?"
The way Zack was staring at him was making Cloud blush. He averted his gaze and nodded.
"Okay, then look at me." Cloud did, albeit hesitantly. "I am being absolutely serious when I say this, Cloud…" Zack took a deep breath. "Cloud… Your hair gives me an erection every eleven seconds."
Silence. Camera switches to outside of the Gondola.
"R-really?" Cloud stammers, unable to process this information correctly.
"I'm serious. Haven't you ever noticed?"
There was more silence, before Cloud spoke again.
"C-Can I see?" There was some slight shifting, before Cloud let out a shriek. "NO FAIR!! HOW COME HOJO GAVE YOU BIGGER TESTICLES?!"
-VILLA-
Cloud and Zack hesitantly laughed/coughed as they both tried to hide their embarrassment and smile at each other the same time.
"Hey, Cloud," Aerith leans forward slyly. "Zack, or Leon?"
Cloud: O.O
"Uhm! H-Hey, the next blooper's on!"
Both Leon and Zack felt a little hurt by Cloud's comment, but continued watching, nonetheless.
-BLOOPERS-
Scene With Final Battle
Cloud unsheathed the Ultima Weapon. "Are you prepared to die, Sephiroth?"
Sephiroth smirked. "You wish," he said, putting his hand on Masamune. He pulled, but only got a jerking motion. Cloud raised an eyebrow.
"What the-?"
"It's not coming out." Sephiroth yanked and yanked and yanked, but he only managed to dislocate his shoulder. "AUGH!"
Cloud scratched his head as Sephiroth popped his shoulder back into place before proceeding to rip the sword off his hip. Cloud grabbed one end of the scabbard and pulled as Sephiroth did. Sephiroth stepped on the scabbard and yanked.
Nothing.
After a few loops of "Those Chosen By the Planet," there was a crack, and then a shing as Masamune finally decided to come out. Sephiroth got into position.
"Okay. Are you prepared, Cloud?"
"Dude, you just KILLED that scene."
Random Scene of Cloud Summoning
After the summoning ended, Cloud reached back to pull out his sword, only to instead pull out…
…a banana?
Everyone stared at the thing, before Cloud shrugged and stuffed it into his mouth.
Yuffie Summons Odin
"Steel Bladed Sword!" she cried. The scene began, and as Cloud and Vincent looked up, their eyes widened.
"Uh…Yuffie?" Cloud begins.
"Wha?"
Odin came charging after them as Cloud ran screaming bloody murder again.
"You just killed us," said Vincent as both halves of his body became acquainted with the ground, Yuffie's following suit, and Cloud still running around, crying like a baby.
"I DON'T WANNA DIE!!"
Freudian Slip
(Idea from a oneshot like this)
"Ow! Damn, man!" Barret yelled, standing up.
"Everyone's here?" questioned Cloud as everyone managed to stand. And then, there was a flash, and the One-Winged Angel opposed them. Cloud knew it wasn't the time to say it, but as Sephiroth relentlessly pounded away at them, reopening their wounds again and again, he screamed, "SEPHIROTH!"
There was an awkward, and VERY pregnant pause.
Then, Yuffie started to laugh, doubled over.
"SEXIROTH?" she cried at the same time Sephiroth screamed the same name, only his was in shock.
"Oh sweet Jesus!" Cid bellowed, laughing. "I can't believe it! Cloud's gay!"
"What a fine time to lay this one on us, Cloud," added Red.
"Cloud, tell me this isn't true!" Tifa begged, but Cloud didn't open his mouth, lest he say something ELSE wrong.
Vincent's Gun
Vincent reached into his holster to pull out his Death Penalty. Except, what he encountered was something squishy and smelled horrible. Tifa and Cloud looked at him as he pulled out his gloved hand and stared at it.
"I HATE BANANAS!" he roared, before spontaneously turning into Hellmasker. Unable to control himself, he locked onto the next yellow thing he saw: Cloud's hair.
"PERISH!" He started up the chainsaw and chased after Cloud.
"MOMMY!!"
Cloud Summons KOTR
Cloud took a step forward. And then, spontaneously, he yelled, "I SUMMON KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND!! FEAR THE TWENTY-MINUTE CINEMA!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Everyone stared, including Arthur and his Knights.
Cloud scratched his head. "Opps… Got caught in a crazy moment…"
-VILLA-
Seifer and Sephiroth stared at Cloud, who just turned a deep crimson and hid his face in his hands.
"And I thought Sephiroth had problems…"
-BLOOPERS-
Aerith's Legendary Weapon?
Cloud ran down the long hallway of room number IIII, where Aerith's Legendary Weapon would be. He opened the treasure box, reached in…
…and pulled out a grape flavored Pixi Stick.
"What the hell?"
Scene With Cloud and Aerith in the White Flower Place in AC
Cloud looked up, and his pupils began to rapidly shrink and grow.
"Augh! Oh my God! I'm blind! It's too bright!"
Tetsuya: (wearing sunglasses) I don't know what you're talking about.
-SPECIAL BLOOPERS-
FFVII Blooper Montage 1
(There's been a change of plans. Instead of using Sanctuary, we're gonna use Simple and Clean. Enjoy! Remember, if you can guess a few of the scenes right, I'll give you something special!!)
Simple and Clean
PlanitB Remix
By Utada Hikaru
"I'm not made of Phoenix Downs!" In the background, a certain silver haired General ran off, grinning at his sword covered in blood.
You're giving me too many things
Lately you're all I need
You smiled at me and said,
"…Sephiroth said to me…………head past the OH! WHO WANTS A BANANA!"
Don't get me wrong I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you'll understand
What I meant when I said "No,
I don't think life is quite that simple"
The enemy exploded and he was thrown into the air. Next thing he knew, he hit the floor head first before falling down to the Slums below.
When you walk away
You don't hear me say please
Oh baby, don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go
"Augh!" Reno screamed. "It's Sephiroth! Rufus! Skip this part!"
"Can't skip…can…only…cringe at…corny…dialogue…"
The daily things that keep us all busy
Are confusing me
That's when you came to me and said,
"Ether, NOW!"
"I'm not made of Ethers! … Well, then again, I am, cause of the Lifestream and all… hey, Vincent! Guess what? I AM made out of Ethers!! … Vincent?" Vincent's claw was all you could see out of the huge snake's jaws. "Oh…"
Wish I could prove I love you
But does that mean I have to walk on water?
When we are older you'll understand
It's enough when I say so
And maybe some things are that simple
Bubbles floated up from the serene water outside the city. The party turned, looked, smelled, and splashed into the waters, out dead cold.
Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before
He was pulled onto his chest as his heart beat its last. And then, he said, "Kiss me, Cloud. Kiss me."
Everyone: O.O
Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning
Is a little later on
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before
"OH MY GAWD THAT THING IS HUGE!!"
Suddenly, an even larger shark came out of nowhere, and killed the hulking monster.
AVALANCHE: O.O
Tetsuya: O.O I'm scared… Uh I-I mean Cut.
End chapter.
Hrm…not as funny as before… As you can tell… I had a taste for bananas today… Plus I just wanted Cloud to run around, screaming like a baby. Well, anyway, try to guess some (or all) of the montage scenes. The answers will be up next chapter.
Requests? ideas? Let me know by review, please! Next Chapter: Caught! In which Reno goes around backstage with a video camera to catch the cast of FFVII in…embarrassing situations. That's where the Genesis blooper will come in! Ideas for embarrassing moments?