Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers
Intro: Yay! More yummy reviews to keep me full. I lurve you all!! I also wanted to say…that this one took a little thinking. I thank my mom for making chicken, because otherwise, I would've never been able to think up Genesis' Caught! moment. YAY FOR CHICKEN!
This is a pretty long chapter, 'cause I'm trying to get as many people of the cast Caught! as I can. One can only imagine how many video tapes it took Reno to do this…
Also, I hope I delivered enough Clack goodness last chapter. Actually, except for the out of place blooper, it was implied, and Sephiroth interrupting them the night before was when they were watching the Yuffie bloopers. Yup-Yup.
To LastTrojanNight, I am sorry, so I rewrote this chapter for you. And the cake/pie thing was from my friend Zeno in Los Angeles. I had to call him and ask if I could use it. Okay...so I'm sorry for any misinterpretations. Most of these are mine and my friends' ideas, and I will credit anyone who makes an idea/request as best as I can from now on.
Chapter Six
Caught! A Behind The Scenes Documentary By Reno Whateverhislastnameis
-VILLA-
Everyone stared at the screen, hard.
"I don't wanna see this," Yuffie declared.
"Me either."
Everyone in the FF7 cast sans Zack began to bicker that they didn't want to see it, as Sephiroth, who was interested in what it had in store for them, held the remote high above his head, far out of everyone's reach.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Zack yelled, calming everyone. "C'mon, we've watched everything else and laughed at each other. What's so different now?"
Silence.
"Play the thing, then."
Sephiroth unpaused it.
-DOCUMENTARY THING-
Victim One: Reno Himself
Reno turns the camera to himself, grinning. Behind him you see the grimy, nasty wall of the Shinra public bathroom, with pictures of stick figures going at it. (Viewers grimace)
"Heya, I'm Reno of the Turks. You know what goes on in front of the screen, but what's it like in the backstage section, yo? Well, I'm here to show you guys just what your fav-"
Suddenly, the door slams open and Reno looks up over the camera, a confused look on his face. Off-screen, Elena speaks.
"You videotaping yourself masturbating again, Reno?"
Reno's face goes scarlet as he stands, the camera getting a good view of the decrepit, green, moldy, and so-stinky-you-can-see-the-fumes toilet he was sitting on. One only imagines what his ass looked like…
"NO!" he yells, and Elena chuckles.
"Right, whatever you say. Only you come into this bathroom anyway."
"Do NOT!"
Victims Two, Three, and Four: Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz
Reno walked down the hall, his strides were long and far. "I wonder who my first victim will be, yo?" he questions the camera, then grimaces, and sneezes all over the lenses. Wiping it off, he is in front of his room. Sticking the camera in, he found it unoccupied. His bed still wasn't made, and clothes were strewn all over the floor. Here and there are a few empty beer bottles.
"I'll make the maids clean it up later." Grinning evilly at the camera like some red haired Sephiroth wannabe, he continued onward. He didn't stop in front of the closet, knowing that no one could fit into such a tiny space.
He stopped by the bathroom, the door was closed. He tried the handle and found it unlocked.
Poking the camera in, he found no one. Closing the door Reno approached the last door in the corridor. The door to his co-stars' room was closed, and locked.
There were loud noises coming from behind the door. Putting his ear and the camera against the door, getting a good view of wood, Reno listened in to his co-stars' conversations.
"Yazoo, it's tight here."
"I know that Loz, now if you could just scoot over a bit."
"Ow! You two are hurting me!"
"Stop whining Kadaj."
"There's not enough room for both of us Loz, you'll have to wait."
"Huh? No way! I wanna go first!"
"One at a time Loz!"
"Ow ow ow! Will you two please stop pushing?! And watch where you poke that thing!!"
"Almost done Kadaj, just a few more minutes." There was a groan.
Reno couldn't help it, but his face began to feel hot. 'What the hell are they doing?' he mouths to the camera.
"The ground is hard Yazoo, can we move on to the bed?" Kadaj's breath was staggered as he whined.
"Fine, fine it's more comfortable over there too." You could hear rustling and a few groans.
"There it is!"
"What where?"
"Look Loz it's standing up, you see it?"
"WHOA! How did it do that?"
"I dunno… I guess it's natural…."
"Maybe Reno-kun would like to-"
At the mention of his name Reno jerked his head and the camera away from the door, he tried the doorknob again.
It wasn't much success. Face hot, he kicked at the door, the first time it didn't budge. Again Reno kicked at it. Nope.
Moving back Reno decided to run the door down. He ran down the corridor as fast as he could, camera images going by in a blur. At the last minute he closed his eyes, expecting the impact of the wooden door on his shoulders.
There was no impact. Not with the door anyway. There was an impact with the floor though. Reno sailed through the now opened door, and landed smack on the hard wooden floor. The camera went wide, banged on the wall, rolled, and caught sight of the three silver haired men and one redheaded idiot we all know and love.
"Oomph," he grunted as the wind was knocked out of his chest. Dazed, he looked up. Three heads were looking down at him, eyes full of curiosity.
Quickly getting up, Reno yelled as loud as his knocked out lungs could allow him.
"WHAT IN SHINRA'S NAME ARE YOU THREE PERVERTS DOING IN A LOCKED ROOM??"
Taking in a much needed breath of air after the loud yell Reno looked around sternly at the three boys.
Reno first noticed their scared looks—anyone would be scared after getting yelled at by a flustered looking Turk—Loz looked ready to bawl (AN: Dunno why, but that sentence always makes me crack up XD), even the normally unfazed Yazoo was stunned by the sudden outburst.
Then Reno and the camera both noticed that they all had their clothes on. Reno's eyelids started twitching, and he could feel a major headache coming on.
"R-Reno-k-kun….. w-we…." Kadaj stammered nervously, he had never seen his co-star act this way in real life.
"Y-you…what were you guys doing?" Reno asked again, this time a bit more quiet.
"We were watching this worm Reno-kun." Kadaj timidly held up his hand. A long and fat earthworm sat in his palm actually standing up straight, and if the worm had eyes and could talk Reno was pretty sure that the worm would be laughing at him—hard. If anyone was watching this, they would be too (and they were).
Reno felt his face redden up, getting hotter by the moment, matching his color of hair easily. He had mistaken what they were talking about behind the door for something completely different. Very different. And it was all caught on tape.
"We tried to squeeze under that desk to watch it, but it was a tight squeeze so we decided to move onto the bed. The worm was standing up and so we thought about getting you so you can see it….but we heard a loud thump on the door…" Yazoo explained. "And I opened the door and here you are."
"Why is your face so red Reno-kun?" Loz asked. Reno's hand leapt to his face, covering it.
"N-nothing, I mean it's not red. What are you talking about? Stupid idiots…go clean my room. I'm going to go…do stuff. And then probably get smashed to forget this entire thing." Reno grabbed the still recording camera and left quickly.
WARNING: EXTREME OOCNESS NEXT, ESPECIALLY IN ANGEAL, I'M GUESSING. IF SWEARING IS LIKE TABOO TO YOU, SKIP THIS SECTION OR SUFFER!!
Victims Five, Six, and Seven: Angeal, Sephiroth, and Aerith
"Okay…we just mistook the SHM for perverted gay men and I was caught in the bathroom starting this. Wonder what catch we'll get this time…"
Suddenly, off screen, you hear violent shouts.
"Hoo boy. Looks like we've found it." We get a nice view of the bouncing floor as Reno jogs over to where Angeal and Sephiroth were having a very loud argument, about World of Warcraft, and Angeal was reciting quite long monologue. Reno held up the camera and started to record.
"Look Sephiroth, I think we can all confirm that ALL of those online RPG's are just out to plain out assrape anyone stupid enough to buy into them. The only way you can fix your problem is to sell what's left of your pathetic excuse for a soul and buy a 60 day game card for a total bleeding rectum price of thirty dollars. Or you could take the smart way out by crucifying the copy of the game you bought and then punish yourself very, very harshly for ever having thought of picking up the god awful habit of actually playing, and dare I say, enjoying that worthless piece of shit of a game. You wanna know what World of Warcraft is about? Here I'll tell you… It's about you creating a stupid looking fantasy style character and running around in a giant BEEP world with no plot or even point to anything that you're doing! You level your person up to level sixty, the max, over the course of a few weeks, kill everything in your area and then piss whine and moan because you get bored with a game that you shelled out a little over fifty dollars just to play. OR! You could join a guild, kind of like club, of other pathetic BEEP losers so that you can explore UNREASONABLY hard dungeons with UNREASONABLY hard and strong monsters that take an UNREASONABLY large amount of people and an UNREASONABLY large amount of time to kill only to give you a bunch of items that are UNREASONABLY useless except to sell for more cyber money while your bank account goes to shit, your wife leaves you and files a court claim for full custody of your children after you attack the older one yelling 'DIE ORC!' and try to kill the little one with an axe while screaming 'DIE YOU DWARVISH PIECE OF SHIT!' after which you cuddle your children and cry INCESSANTLY saying that you're sorry and 'Daddy didn't mean to use the kitchen knife on your FACE'…"
'Wow,' Reno mouthed to the camera as Sephiroth smacked Angeal upside the head with the flat end of Masamune.
"THAT'S FOR TOPPING MY LONGEST MONOLOGUE!" He swung again, hitting him in the back of the head. "THAT'S FOR thinking I would ever have KIDS!" Another hit. "That's for thinking I would beat them!!" A final swing. "And THAT'S FOR BEATING ME IN SOUL CALIBER II YESTERDAY!"
"OW OW OW AND BEEP OWWW! I thought you were OVER THAT?!"
"You beat me with LINK! I AM NOT OVER IT!" Another swing.
"OW! PUT THE BLOODY MASAMUNE DOWN ASSHOLE!"
"MAKE ME!"
"WHAT YOU WANNA PEICE OF ME?!"
"BRING IT ASSHOLE!"
"FINE I WILL BUT WHEN I SLAUGHTER YOUR ASS DON'T GO BITCHING TO TETSUYA!"
"OH PLEASE, ALL YOU DO IS TALK!"
"ALL I DO IS TALK? YOU'RE THE ONE HAVING A BITCH FIT BECAUSE I CAN MONOLOGUE JUST AS GOOD AS YOU!"
"CAN NOT!"
"CAN TOO!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"SHUT UP!!"
"MAKE ME!"
At that one point, Aerith decided to walk by. Sephiroth grabbed her by the arm. "Aerith, what say you we lock him in here and forget to turn off the coffee maker?"
"I'm for it."
"Not even BEEP funny man. It's not my BEEP fault that coffee makers are built to cause mass destruction, ruin lives and throw countries into BEEP turmoil. I'm telling you, America harbors the biggest BEEP compilation of mass destructive devices, and they're called COFFEE MAKERS. And ovens, oh BEEP, don't even get me started on that shit."
"Angeal, I think you need some counseling."
"Nope."
"And why do you believe that?"
"Because the last one killed herself."
Everyone looked at him.
"What? It was the BEEP coffee maker. I swear." Angeal then shrugged and walked off, whistling.
(AN: Only Cid and Barret can say the 'f' word without being censored.)
Victim Eight, Nine, Ten, and Eleven: Zack, Red, Cid and Barret
"What the hell was that, yo?" Reno mused as he aimlessly swaggered down the hall. "Never thought I'd see that, yo."
And then, there it was. A door left slightly ajar, and the sounds of the four aforementioned's voices filtering out. Grinning evilly into the camera, Reno snuck the lens inside and started recording.
"Could be worse...you could be working at a Burger King," Red was saying.
"Depends on if I get free food...Then again...if I'm going to work in fast food, I at least want to work at McDonald's. I want to be able to viably say that I kill people a little more every day just by doing my job...Of course...I could just work in a tobacco shop or sell Cocaine or Heroin." Cid took a puff of his cig as he said this.
"Or sell Satanic Bibles," Red added.
"That's not lethal." Zack frowned.
"Try sellin' it to Christians. See how lethal it is. Because apparently it's awright to kill in the name of God," Barret announced.
"Oh...then next time I kill someone, I'll just say it was the will of God." Cid chuckled. "And I will probably get away with it too."
"It depends on who you're killing," Red added.
"Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson."
"Oh, okay, then you're totally justified. But if you like, went after Oprah or Mother Teresa, then you're just a jackass."
Zack jumped back and gasped, "Are you MAD! Oprah is a DRAGON man. I'm telling you, she's got more HP than all of us combined and she knows the most super powerful ultra dangerous, instant defeat bombastic spell ever invented! She knows 'Middle Age Woman Wrath'. There is no defeating that. It's like a plot device. Unkillable. Not to mention, she can summon the Pope. Yes, the Pope. Her power is that Supreme. I'm telling you, she's the true Boss battle man. No creator is daring enough to design her into a game. The only opposing power in this universe that can combat with her is Chuck Norris."
"Dude, you need to take a chill pill." Cid put out his cigarette. "While you are correct, you still need to take a chill pill."
"Says who?"
"Says GOD," Cid snorted, as if the answer was that obvious.
"You don't even believe in God!"
"Well today I do for the sake of my argument. But seriously man, beating a plot device would take more time than actually going along with it! Unless it's Dragon Ball Z. Then there's no fucking hope in the world. I'm thinking maybe the whole universe WAS supposed to die in that series...It'd probably be the only way that series would ever end. I mean fuck. After a three year long day goes by you'd think they'd hang up the towel and say fuck it. I'm thinking it would have been more merciful for that ape-shit pink blob of a villain to just fuck up existence. Hell, I think it was pimp that he could turn things into candy and eat them. I bet you'd taste great as a candy," Cid said to Barret.
"Are you hittin' on me?"
At that moment, the camera retreated, because Reno could not hold in his laughter, he was shaking so bad.
(Okay, got a request for Aerith and Zack in an embarrassing moment, so I decided to throw Tseng in there as well. And yes, I have a taste for sugar goodness in the form of bakes goods.)
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PART CONTAINS EXTREME OVER USAGE OF THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND A SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC EXPLANATION OF THE FEMALE MENSTRUATION CYCLE. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH TO AERITH BEING EXTREMELY OOC, SKIP DOWN TO GENESIS' CAUGHT! MOMENTS!
Victims Twelve, Thirteen, and Fourteen: Zack, Aerith, and Tseng
(Idea thought up by Zeno Robinson in Los Angeles)
Suddenly, Reno dodged around the corner just as Zack made to leave. "Well, guys, I've gotta go and help Aerith and Tseng get the food ready for the 21st Final Fantasy birthday celebration thing."
"You have fun," Red parted.
Reno turned the camera to himself. "Little does Tetsuya know that Zack and Tseng both suck at cooking, and Aerith is PMSing badly. Ooh, let's follow Zack and see what mayhem unfolds!" He snickered and followed Zack, who eventually met up with Tseng and Aerith, and they departed for the second floor kitchen.
"Where's that stupid recipe book?" Aerith shouted, banging pots and pans onto the counter. She had suddenly been struck with a rather painful attack of cramps, which had made her bad mood worsen.
"I have it," Tseng sighed, waving it in the air for her to see.
"Well, hand it over then!" she snapped. Tseng did so.
"Now what the heck are we supposed to cook…?" Aerith muttered, thumbing through the pages.
"We should make some pie," Zack said, opening up the bag of flour and sniffing it suspiciously. He was unusually paranoid that day—we personally believe it had something to do with how evil Aerith was being to him. Go figure.
"What?" Tseng asked, his nose scrunching as if he just smelled something bad. "Hell no! Pie sucks! We'll make cake."
"Cake is crap! We're making pie!" snapped Zack.
"Cake!"
"Pie!"
"Cake!"
"Pie!"
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE, DAMMIT!"
Suddenly, both men turned to Aerith. They both smiled, their features pleasant; Aerith gulped.
"Aerith," Zack said, his voice smooth and velvety, causing the brunette to nearly visibly melt into a puddle of hormonal goo, "you're a smart woman—don't you think we should make some delicious pie instead of nasty, fattening cake? You like pie, don't you?"
"Of course she doesn't," Tseng said quickly before Aerith could answer. "Pie is filled with nothing but disgusting preservatives and nasty, crusty bread. It cannot possibly compare to the wonderful moistness of a well-prepared cake. Don't you agree, Aerith?" His voice became dangerously soft at the last bit.
Aerith broke out into sweat. 'Oh, such tough, tough choices,' Reno mouthed to the camera. 'On one hand, she had Zack, who is the sole reason she decides to come to work everyday. But on the other hand, she had Tseng, who was the most powerful of all the Turks (next to me of course). If she angered him by saying that pie was better, she might as well go out and dig her grave. But if she said that cake was better, she might as well kiss any chance of being with Zack again good-bye. Either way, it was a lose-lose situation.' He smirked and turned the camera to the trio.
Without any answer from the young flower girl, the two men turned to each other and began screaming again:
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE, YOU PANSY!"
"PIE, YOU EGOTISTICAL HAIRY APE!"
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
Over in the corner, Aerith sighed. When she had been asked her opinion, she did the only thing she thought would be possible—she kept her mouth shut. Fortunately, this worked. The two men had quickly lost patience and went back to their screaming match, which Aerith was extremely grateful of. She just hoped that they wouldn't call on her again—
"You know Aerith, you never answered our question."
Aerith let out a high-pitched squeak at the sound of Zack's voice. She stared at the two nobodies with wide, frightened eyes. "W-what?"
"You didn't answer our question," Tseng hissed scarily; his already narrow eyes were narrowed into almost slits. "Which do you think we should make? Wonderful, delicious cake—"
"—Or tasty, delectable pie?" Zack finished for the other man while they exchanged death glares.
Aerith wanted to cry. For the first time in her life, she wanted to just sit down and cry. And she blamed it all on her damn period. But just as suddenly as the feeling came, it vanished—and was immediately replaced with blind rage. 'That's mood swings for ya, yo,' Reno whispered off-screen.
"HOW DARE YOU!"
The two males blinked at the flower girl, stunned. Aerith stood before them, legs spread out sturdily, hands balled into fists on either side of her, and a murderous look on her face. Zack and Tseng did the only thing there was left to do—they cowered.
'And do you know why?' Reno whispered. 'I'll tell you:
BECAUSE THIS IS THE PART WHERE AERITH COMPLETELY SNAPS.'
"HOW DARE YOU PUT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH? THE LINING OF MY UTERUS IS GUSHING OUT OF MY VAGINA! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! MY TITS ARE SORE! I'M RIDING ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER! AND ALL YOU TWO IDIOTS CARE ABOUT IS
YOUR STUPID PIE AND CAKE!"
The two men whimpered in fear.
"I'M CRAMPING AND I ACHE IN PLACES THAT I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED! MY SKIN IS BREAKING OUT IN PATCHES! I'M TEN TIMES HORNIER THAN USUAL AND I
WANT SOME CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT!"
The enraged woman stood over the two men (who were now lying on the floor, huddling together in terror), breathing heavily, flushed an angry red hue. She was also sniffing heavily while desperately trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. Dammit she didn't cry, not even during her period!
"Um, Aerith?" Zack spoke timidly, terrified that if he said the wrong thing, he would set her off again. "How about… how about we just make both cake and pie? And maybe make you some chocolate brownies…? Would you like that?"
Aerith sniffled and looked down at Zack with watery eyes and the anger slowly drained out of her body. "R-really? You mean it? Brownies?" She looked extremely hopeful.
"Of course," Zack said quickly, plastering a soothing smile onto his face. "Double fudge brownies with chocolate chips! And chocolate cake too!" (He didn't notice that Tseng brightened at this—the side-burned man did have a strong passion for chocolate cake.)
Aerith sniffed again and gave the two men a watery smile. "Okay, then—let's go to the other kitchen and see what we can scrounge up!"
In the other Kitchen…
"OH MY GOD! IT MOVED! IT'S STILL ALIVE!"
"KILL IT! KILL IT!"
"EEEEEK! I JUST TOUCHED IT!"
Thunk
"ARGH! GET IT OFF!
GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!"
"HOLD STILL DAMMIT! I CAN'T SMACK IT IF YOU DON'T HOLD STILL!"
"OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN IT JUST BIT HER!
IT'S—IT'S DRINKING HER BLOOD!"
SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS, GET IT OFF! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!"
HANG ON AERITH! HANG IN THERE—"
DAMMIT, ZACK, THIS IS NO TIME TO GRAB MY ASS—GET THIS ABOMINATION OFF OF ME! IT'S SUCKING MY BLOOD! I CAN SEE MY LIFE FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES!"
"OKAY HOLD STILL—"
SMACK!
"OW GODDAMMIT!"
"I TOLD YOU TO HOLD STILL! AT LEAST IT'S OFF NOW—"
"AHHHHHHHHH! IT'S HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS ME!"
"I GOT IT—"
"NO YOU DON'T, YOU'LL JUST HIT HIM INSTEAD!"
SQUISH IT! SQUISHITSQUISHITSQUISHITSQUISHIT—"
(And here're the ones you've been waiting for: Genesis! Sorry if he's OOC, which he probably is.)
Victim Fifteen and Sixteen: Genesis
(Note: I'm sorry I couldn't think of any good love poems for Winnie the Pooh, like someone suggested, and that virtual reality parody will be saved for another day. But I hope you enjoy the craziness anyway.)
WARNING: TO MAKE UP FOR THE LOSS OF THE POEM TO WINNIE THE POOH, I HAVE GIVEN GENESIS A LOT OF CHOCOLATE. BE WARNED, BECAUSE HE IS SEEING THINGS HE SHOULDN'T, AND WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ MAY NEVER LET YOU LOOK AT GENESIS THE SAME AGAIN!! Hell, I know I won't. I can't even watch AC without cracking up anymore.
Part 1
A black feather decided right then to float in front of Reno's eyesight. He raised a ruby eyebrow, then nodded into the camera. He held the camera out in front of him and proceeded to find the magenta clad awesome dude. It didn't take him long.
"And here…" whispered Reno, filming Genesis, who seemed to be spreading some weird brown lotion onto his wing, "…we have Genesis, the true One-Winged Angel. Many of us wonder how he managed to get only one wing." Genesis shifted, and Reno added further commentary. "And now, we see Genesis…eating… GOOD GOD!" he screamed, and Genesis spun to face him, eyes wide, wiping the brown lotion (which was apparently BBQ sauce) off his mouth. Reno pointed an accusing finger at him.
"Y-You're EATING your WING!" Reno screeched. "Y-You CANNIBAL!"
"Reno, Reno, calm down," Genesis held up his hands, coated slightly in BBQ sauce. "It tastes like chicken. It's not considered cannibalism if it doesn't taste like humans."
"But it's PART of you, yo!" Reno shook his head. "Dude, that is DISGUSTING!!"
Genesis extended his wing to Reno. "Try it. You'll see what I mean."
Reno stared at the magenta clad man, hard, for exactly twelve seconds, before putting the camera down on a stack of boxes nearby, not knowing that it was catching everything on tape. He rubbed the glossy feathers together, feeling them twitch in response, before diving in.
It was heaven. It really did taste like BBQ chicken wings. He thought he heard a moan, but thought nothing of it, until…
"Reno, Genesis, if you two are going to fornicate, could you please not do it in public?" Sephiroth had walked in on them. Reno and Genesis jumped away from each other.
"We were not fornicating!" Reno shrieked.
"Oh, that is a lie. I just heard and saw Genesis moan in pure pleasure when you bit his wing."
"But it tastes like chicken!!" both Reno and Genesis argued weakly.
Off-screen, you hear Zack snort and say, "At least we finally know what happened to the other one…"
Part 2
"Still got a little more tape, yo," Reno whispered as he creeped down the hall. "This time I think I'll use it for good, and videotape my clothes getting washed." After some more silence, he spoke again. "I think Genesis completely snapped back there. Not that I blame him. That wing tasted awesome, yo."
As stated above, Genesis had completely snapped. It's actually quite surprising that it hadn't happened before, all things considered, but whatever. As Reno turned into the laundry room, he stifled a yelp, took a deep breath, and began commentating.
"We now find Genesis in the laundry room, standing in front of the dryer. A disturbing grin was stretched across his face as he giggled to himself. And in his hands… is a leaf blower…" Reno gulped.
'Oh dear lord in heaven…'
Genesis POV
"We meet again," Genesis whispered to the dryer.
"So it would seem…" said the dryer.
"I've waited my whole life for this day," Genesis continued, tightening his hold on the leaf blower, unaware that Reno was getting everything on tape. "I could hardly wait for the day that you and I would meet like this… here! For our final showdown!"
"I should have gone ahead and killed you all those years ago," the dryer replied menacingly.
"Prepare to face my wrath, puny mortal!"
That's right. In Genesis's unstable, chocolate-induced mind, the dryer was his mortal enemy.
Cackling insanely, Genesis aimed his mighty leaf blower at the dryer and turned it on to full power.
The dryer gave a loud groan as the force of the leaf blower began to crush it against the wall.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Genesis cackled. He was so busy cackling that he did not hear the door bang open.
"GENESIS! WHAT IN MOTHER'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?"
The magenta-clad awesome dude looked; Sephiroth stood in the doorway (with Zack peering over his shoulder from behind), staring at him in the dryer with a look of bewilderment on his face.
Calmly, Genesis (confident that his attack had significantly weakened his foe) turned the leaf blower off and turned to his friends. "Hello Sephiroth, Zack. How can I help you?"
"W-what are you doing? Why the hell are you destroying my dryer?" Sephiroth all but wailed. This day was turning out to be extremely stressful.
"Because," Genesis replied, "it's been trying to kill us all."
Sephiroth and Zack blinked at him.
"Haven't you noticed? It hisses softly at me whenever I walk by. It tied to lure Cloud into it the other day by hiding one of his socks. It immediately stops whispering to the washer whenever one of us comes into the room—the dryer sheets are laced with cyanide instead of fabric softener!"
The two other SOLDIERs exchanged looks.
"…How do you know the dryer sheets were laced with cyanide?" Zack asked finally.
"The dryer told me."
"…It told you?"
"Yes."
"You mean it actually spoke to you?"
Genesis sighed impatiently, rolling his eyes. "Yes! In fact, it's speaking right now—it just insulted my mother!"
Sephiroth and Zack looked at each other again, then looked at the dryer; it sat in the corner, partially destroyed, emitting nothing but sparks and smoke, completely mute. "Well, technically Genesis," Sephiroth said, trying to choose his words carefully, "you don't have a mother. Err…you do, but we just know who, or where, or if she's alive."
"SHUT UP!" Genesis shrieked, now glaring daggers at the dryer. "It's brain washing you! Can't you see? It's trying to turn you into his mindless little slaves!"
"Bwahahahahahahaha!" cackled the dryer.
"Admit defeat, insignificant mortal—nobody can defeat me! I AM INVINCIBLE!"
"NEVER!" Genesis shrieked, and proceeded to turn the leaf blower back on to full power. "FACE MY WRATH!
SUPER MAGENTA CYCLONE ATTACK!"
"NO!" shrieked the dryer.
"NOT THAT! NOT THE SUPER MAGENTA CYCLONE ATTACK!"
And then quite suddenly, the dryer exploded, sending dryer lint and fluff everywhere.
TAKE THIS! SELF-DESTRUCT ATTACK OF DOOOOOOOM!"
"ARCH!! NOOOOOO! IT'S SUFFOCATING ME! IT'S SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!" Genesis shrieked, falling to his knees as he was buried under tons o' dryer lint.
Sephiroth and Zack, after exchanging one more disbelieving look, made a hasty exit, Reno following not to far behind in his own hall, completely forgetting his clothes that had to be washed.
-VILLA-
"Oh, that was gold…" mumbled Squall, quite pleased that he sat a good distance away from the others, who were laughing really, really, REALLY hard. Squall managed to hit the pause button.
After what seemed like hours of laughing it seemed like it wouldn't stop. More cackling, sweating, and other bodily functions I'd rather not describe took place. Possibly including but not limited to:
Puking, belching, gaseous exhaust, urination (from laughter), Cancer, Nausea, Heartburn, Upset Stomach, Indigestion, Diarrhea, Dyslexia, Cerebral Palsy, Arthritis, Cramping, Menstrual Bloating, Fatigue, Apathy, Insomnia, Crack Addiction, Crying, Uncontrollable bladder, Free-Balling, AIDS, Diabetes, Malaria, Flu, Scurvy, Leprosy, Hepatitis, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Mad Cow Disease, Angry Colon Syndrome (ACS to the elite), and the bubonic plague.
And finally, FINALLY, they all managed to calm down enough to watch the Special Bloopers of this section.
-SPECIAL BLOOPERS-
Past Nibelheim
Zack was losing. There was no question about it. He was nowhere near Sephiroth power wise, and he should have had an advantage but Sephiroth was totally delirious, from his Mother's influence.
Dammit! Why me?
"Sephiroth why don't you just knock it off already?" Zack tried to talk to him.
"Hell no! You just want to hurt Mother!"
"Please! I'll leave your mother alone, just please stop the fires! You're burning down Cloud's joint!"
There was a pause.
"Zack you are no gangsta, so don't even talk like that. Cloud—" Sephiroth paused a moment, waiting for Tetsuya to yell 'Cut!' but Tetsuya was out sick today, and the replacement director was a smashed Reno.
Reno: Keep it goin'. Thisssss's's's's awesome, yoooooooooooo.
"Is more gangsta than me I know," Zack finished. "If I can't be gangsta then what can I be?"
"Uh…. Punk Rocker? A useless bum? The comedy relief?" Sephiroth tries to think.
Suddenly the Kool-Aid guy bursts through the wall. "Oh Yeah!"
"WTF?" Sephiroth stares at him. "Dude you just busted my flamin' wall!"
A piece of debris falls on Zack's head knocking him out.
"HEY! I was fighting with him!" Sephiroth gets pissed. "I was having fun! And you ruined it!" Sephiroth starts chasing the Kool-Aid guy through the building…
Inside Vincent's Basement Room Place Yeah…
Vincent sat up in his coffin and watched the flames around him come nearer. Just then out of the blue the Kool-Aid guy runs inside with Sephiroth close behind. Sephiroth growls, throws Masamune and finally nails the Kool-Aid guy. The kool-aid starts pouring out of him flushing the floor with its sugary goodness, and putting out the fire.
"Nooo! What a crewel world! Why? Why me!" The Kool-Aid guy cries as the kool-aid finally runs out. And he shatters into a million and one pieces.
"Oh Yeah…." Sephiroth hissed in pride.
Well that was… unusual…
Vincent thought as Sephiroth turned around. "Hey Sephiroth how's the last few days been?""Tiring. You?" Sephiroth helps him out of his coffin.
"The same old thing. Oh and Sephiroth…"
"Yes?"
"I expect you to clean up your mess."
"What?"
"You heard me. Don't make me have to call your Mother back."
Sephiroth gritted his teeth. "Whatever…Emo."
"What the BEEP! did you just call me?" Vincent yelled pulling out his gun. "I'll show you BEEP emo, bitch!"
End chapter.
O.O W00T chapter done. Ooh, lotsa OOCness in this chapter, but what do you expect? That's how people are in bloopers, ya know? Hrm… I hope you enjoyed that little chapter, and I believe the next chapter will be: The Top Ten Tifa Bloopers, as requested by someone. Lotsa Tifa bashing in that chapter. Yay.
Hope ya liked the Angeal and Genesis bloopers, 'cause those are probably the only ones I'll do. I can't think of anything else. Genesis' was a spur of the moment one, and Angeal…well, yeah. And Genesis is never having chocolate again.
Requests? Ideas? Send 'em in by review, please!!
Also, I have nothing against Martha Stewart, but if I ever meet Michael Jackson, I hope he's not surprised if I'm swinging a metal baseball bat at high speeds into his face.