Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers
Intro: Whoa... O.O So much feedback. Man, I think this story could be as monumental in hilarity as This Army Life by Nicolle or something. Granted, I highly doubt I'll get THAT many reviews, but it's nice to know you guys are reading. It warms my heart! And...you know, I think I might need to update the rating by one. But wouldn't that make it M? Oh man...
(sigh) You know what I hate the most? The fact that for some bloopers, I actually have to think about what to do. I must say, the Top Ten Tifa Bloopers were the hardest ones so far to think up. So, so very hard. My brain is thoroughly zapped, and after this, don't expect an update for awhile. Heck, I don't even know what the next chapter will be. Geez… All I know is that next chapter will be the end of Disc 2, so that means Montage 2 comes up… Good grief…
I am soooo tired…all I wanna do is just crawl into bed and get to sleep… But…I must give you these bloopers. Okay, sorry if it's a bit dry. Tifa bashing ensues, of course. And I'm still working on that love poem to Winnie the Pooh for RibbonzandChainzFF7. Sorry it's taken forever. And that virtual reality blooper is in this one.
Hrm… Okay, let's go!
WARNING: THE USUAL. CONTAINS CID IN SOME.
Chapter Seven
The Top Ten Tifa Bloopers
-STRAIGHT TO THE BLOOPERS-
10. Scene With Cloud in Mideel When they Find Him
(Ohmigod, I think I'll never get through this part the same again.)
Tifa sank to her knees, placing her head in Cloud's lap. "This isn't happening…..!! This is too cruel……… Oh Cloud……! I………"
Right then, Yuffie burst in. She seemed to be doing the "pee pee" dance, but upon seeing Tifa and Cloud, she blanched and a nice little wet spot appeared on her shorts.
"ZOMG! TIFA'S GIVING CLOUD A BJ!!"
Tifa's head shot up from Cloud's lap, a blush forming on her cheeks. "Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-what are you talking about?!"
Yuffie ran screaming out of the clinic tent as Tifa began shaking in what seemed to be embarrassment.
Tetsuya: O.O …Ew. Cut.
9. Scene With Tifa Searching Xeanhort's Room in KH2
Tifa wandered about the room, looking at various things, taking a large portrait down from the wall, examined some more things, before coming to a vacant wall.
She put her hand to her chin in thought as Sora and co. watched. Suddenly, she kicked the wall with all her might, shaking the room. Just as written in the script, nothing happened, until…
A piece of plaster smacked itself onto Sora's head. They looked up to see the ceiling cracking here and there. Sora and co.'s eyes widened as Tifa went to them. "Sorry for the trouble," she said flashing a smile.
The ceiling came down.
Sora, Donald, and Goofy ran away screaming as Leon burst into the room, looking ready to kill.
Tetsuya: New set…
8. Fight With Tifa and Loz in AC Part 1
"Heh. This'll be fun," Loz declared, readying himself as Tifa charged. Funny thing was, the fight never ensued.
Why?
About halfway through, Tifa stopped, a distant look on her face as she stood just beneath the huge hole.
She smiled. "The view of the sky is pretty, isn't it?"
Loz cocked his head, scratching it, before looking up. "Nope. Not unless clouds interest you."
Off-screen, you hear Reno say, "Oh, the irony…"
7. Fight With Tifa and Loz in AC Part 2
Tetsuya: Trying this again… Action!
"Heh. This'll be fun," Loz declared, readying himself as Tifa charged. But once again, the fight never ensued.
Why?
Tetsuya: (buries his face as Tifa picks up a nickel) I'm getting sick of you idiot actors and actresses.
"Ooh! A nickel! Imma call you Phillip!"
Loz's eyes went wide. "Phillip! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
6. End of Fight With Tifa and Loz in AC
Loz sidled over to Tifa and picked her up by her vest thingie. He readied his tazer arm thingie and prepared to zap her.
Reno, who was leading the FF8 and X people through a guided tour, stepped in front of the screen.
"Tifa getting raped. Skip."
Tifa, Loz, and Tetsuya all glared at Reno as he continued onward. Everyone but Rinoa went onward.
"Rin!" yelled Zell. "C'mon, get over here, or Squall'll go all emotionally constipated!"
Slowly, Rinoa turned and ran after the group.
6. Scene With Fight Against Sephiroth in KH2
"Well then," said Sephiroth (who was over his pet spider murder by now), calmly pointing his sword at Tifa. "Let's see what this 'light' of yours can do."
He slashed at Tifa, who dodged and attacked. He dodged just as swiftly and she spun to face him. There was a flash and Cloud shielded himself with his covered arm.
"NO!"
Tifa lunged for Sephiroth, but was no match. He shoved her away…only he hit her a bit too hard.
Tifa stepped on her cape thingie and tripped, falling backward and rolling straight off the cliff.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—"
Tetsuya: God I hate this job.
5. Scene With Tifa in Shera Ship After Cloud's Huge Battle Thing
Drip…
Tifa looked up with a smile at the sparkling water. She opened her mouth to say something, and it dripped inside.
Snap went Tifa's 5 second attention span.
"CID! I THINK YOU'VE GOT A LEAK IN THE ROOF!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
Yuffie looked at the materia in her hands and saw that every single one of them had cracked. The windows shattered, causing the rain to pour in from a sudden gust of wind out of nowhere. It began to tarnish the nice wooden floors.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Cid yelled, letting go of the steering wheel. "FIRST THE DAMN NINJA, AND NOW YOU, TIFA? GET YOUR DAMN HEAD ON STRAIGHT, BEFORE I DO IT FOR YOU!"
For once, Vincent's face showed expression as he stared wide-eyed at Cid. "Cid! The wheel!"
CRASH!
Yelp. Squeak. Drip. Crack.
The Shera ship had hit Cloud. His head was the first to pop up from the debris, followed by Barret's. "Damn man!" the gunman swore.
Cid came up next. "FUCKER! MY SHERA!!"
4. Scene With Sephiroth and Cloud in KH2…Again
Tifa ran on…a bit early, seeing Cloud and Sephiroth still locked in battle. Little balls of light erupted from their swords every time they met in a clash.
Then, out of nowhere, just as Cloud and Sephiroth meet in that clash, before Sephiroth can taunt Cloud, you hear a feminine voice screech:
"EUUWW!! SPARKLIES!"
Sora spun to Tifa. "You're using two year-old words!"
"Squak to quak squawk quack needle squawk sqauck quack sqawk okay?" Donald said.
Everyone: …Okay?
"To the hospital!" Goofy declared, translating.
Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!
As Tifa was dragged off, you hear her scream, "I'M NOT MENTAL—OOH LOOK! A FLYING COW!!"
3. Scene With Slapping Fight Against Scarlet
"Stuck up bitch!" Scarlet yelled, raising her hand to slap Tifa.
Tifa beat her to it, and slapped Scarlet first. "You wench!" she called. Scarlet got ready to slap her again, but Tifa slapped her first. Then Scarlet, then Scarlet again, and then Tifa. Before the final blow could be laid down, out of nowhere, a comet from the Comet Spell came down and crashed into Tifa.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tifa squealed, before hitting the water with a satisfying 'sploosh.'
"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Scarlet began to laugh, before an abnormally sized seagull flew out of nowhere and smacked into her.
Scarlet flailed her arms wildly, before she fell backwards, spun, and did a belly-flop in the water.
As Tifa struggled to get up from the depths of the ocean, she accidentally smacked a hidden cameras that had been pointing upward. It fizzled out.
"Aww man!" Reno yelled as he got up to get a Kleenex for his nose.
2. Scene With Tifa Throwing Cloud Up to Bahamut SIN
"Fly!" yelled Vincent, throwing Cloud up at Bahamut.
Cloud soared upwards into the sky, reaching out for Tifa when she jumped. Please, please, please, he thought as she grabbed his arm and looked him in the eye for a moment. Don't let her screw this up.
But…this wouldn't be a blooper if she didn't screw it up in some way, right?
…No?
Liar.
"No giving up!" Tifa cried as she flipped and let Cloud go. But as she did, her foot…hit somewhere it shouldn't.
O.O went Cloud, dropping his sword to grab himself, unaware that it had impaled itself through Cait Sith. Red XIII had shrugged him off as the sword came rocketing down, so he was safe. Cloud dropped limply to the ledge thing, Tifa landing beside him.
When Cloud managed to catch his breath enough to yell at Tifa, he did. "Ow, JEEZ! What was that for?" He staggered upright, glaring with full-intensity at the fightress.
Tifa shrugged, then said, "It's in my script."
The blond was confused, then turned to Zack off-screen, glaring even more. "You are dead. Again."
Zack smiled and said, "Oh c'mon Spikey. Even you have to agree it was funny."
Number 1 Blooper: Tifa's Stunt Double
Out of nowhere, a reporter appeared on-screen.
"We interrupt this blooper reel to bring you to the Interviewing Station where we have Rinoa in for questioning of the disappearance of Squall." (y'know, into Traverse Town)
Rinoa, with a really freaked out look on her face, drew her legs up onto the seat she was in. "Don't eat me, doggy!" Angelo was staring at her, foaming at the mouth, held away from her by a chain.
The reporter walked to young Rinoa. "Rinoa, did you kill Squall?"
Rinoa blinked. "What? Why would I kill my boyfriend?"
The reporter answered, "Trust me, peoples on Ear-th (as Pleaki says off of Lilo and Stitch) kill their friends."
Dr. Phil: HOW HORRIBLE!
BlueFox: GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS BLOOPER!!
Dr. Phil: But! But! Aw phooey!!
"Well, if I killed him, where is the weapon?" Rinoa asked.
The reporter grabs Rinoa's Shooting Star and puts it in the little stand next to the judge (hello where's this comin from?). "You! Shooting Star! You look pretty suspicious! WHERE WERE YOU OCTOBER 5; 3 AM!!
BlueFox: What?! She was killed on October 5?! I FEEL SO LOVED!!
Fang: Why?
BlueFox: (glares) WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? October 5 is my birthday you moron!
Fang: Grr! I've been here waiting for YOU to get off your lazy ass and start typing some more bloopers!
BlueFox: Hiss!
Rinoa pushes second screen out of picture. "Okay now, I don't think my Shooting Star can talk and that I couldn't have killed Squall because-"
"YOU STOLE MY LOOK, RINOA!!" Tifa ran onscreen in her AC outfit.
Cloud, who was passing by with his buddy-off-screen Sephiroth and drinking hot black coffee, did a spit take all over Sephiroth (mostly in his hair). He gave Sephiroth a sheepish grin before turning and running upon seeing Seph's fangirl-attracting hand reach for Masamune-which meant he was doing to impale him, too.
Tetsuya: (does a double take) Whoa…they're like…twins.
"You created them that way," Sephiroth remarked before running after Cloud.
Rinoa turns to look at Tifa. "Are you MY clone?" she asked.
Tifa growled. "NO! You're mine!"
Rinoa steals her Shooting Star back. "NO WAY! YOU'RE MY CLONE BECAUSE um…ah…uh…"
"You sound like that 'guy'…" Tifa remarked.
"Who?" Rinoa thought for a second. "OH hey! STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!!"
Tifa shrugged. "Oh sorry Copy."
"What did you just call me…-SHAGRUG!" Rinoa screeched.
Everyone: WHAT WAS THAT?!
-VILLA-
"Friggin' awesome," spoke Zack as Aerith and the FF8 cast nodded in agreement. Cloud turned a heavy shade of scarlet and grabbed himself, Yuffie's eyes were wide since the number 10 blooper, and Sephiroth glared at Cloud.
"Let's watch the Special Bloopers!" Zell announced, purposely elbowing Cid in the face as he stood up to grab the remote from a smoldering Sephiroth's hand. "OW! It's hot!" He hit 'Play' before dropping it to the floor.
(AN: This still has Tifa in it, but this is a parody of Seph, Angeal, and Genesis going into virtual space when the 2nd Class SOLDIERs go out. Tch, cheaping out on the job…SO not like you, Seph… And I don't know if in virtual space you get "lives" or not, but for the sake of the blooper, they do.)
-SPECIAL BLOOPERS-
Virtual Reality Screw-Up
Sephiroth placed the apple on his head as Angeal readied his Buster Sword. "I should warn you, Angeal, if you screw up my hair or kill me, or both, I'll have to take the same from you."
Angeal scoffed. "Oh, don't worry. I won't screw you up, I prommise."
"I'll hold you to that."
Angeal readied the Buster Sword, then let it fly.
Somewhere in another place where Genesis is reading his Loveless thing…
The magenta-clad awesome dude cringed upon hearing a blood-curdling, "ANGEAL!"
"Wonder what he did this time…" Genesis mused, turning a page in his favorite book (I think…)
All at once Angeal came flying out of the sky and crashed into the grass right beside Genesis. "Ugh…Genesis…I'll stop bugging you if you elp me!" Angeal said saying 'elp' instead of 'help'.
Genesis looked up and blinked, "What the heck did you do now?"
"DIE!" came Sephiroth's voice. From the sky Sephiroth came soaring down, Masamune aimed right where Angeal's heart was. Angeal dodged just in time as the blade slammed into the ground and sunk deep into it. Angeal kneeled before Genesis, begging him on his knees.
Genesis sighed, marked his place, and growled, "As long as I get to train Zack after this."
"AGREED!"
"Not happin' he's dead!" Zack growled, coming out no where.
"Wait! You want to kill your mentor?" Sephiroth asked suddenly.
"Well…no but this one is the one who tried to kill Aerith!" (dunno if that's true. If not, excuse it and continue reading. If it is…BOOYAH!)
"WHAT? THAT IS MY JOB! I STAB AERITH IN THE BACK IN FINAL FANTASY VII!!" Sephiroth roared, throwing Masamune through Zack's he-
Flicker
Flicker
We are sorry to say but this is too violent for people under the age of 97. Meanwhile you can listen to Tifa ramble on about things you can't-oh wait it's over!
Blood gushed from Zack's head as Masamune stabbed through it but Genesis yanked his sword out of its scabbard and was rushing towards Sephiroth to cut him in half-
Opps! No it's not over yet!
"ANYWAY! As I was saying, please come to my Dooms day show because if you come, you will get the best prize of all! You get to watch Rinoa get her head blown off and free tickets to my spa so you can go jump in the acid and I'll never have to deal with you again!" Tifa rambled on.
NOW IT'S DONE!
Welcome to our wonderful Spa and Die. We are hosted by the not-so-lovely Tifa, who is presently unavailable due to some issues. Have a wonderful and dreadful stay in our acid pits and dooms day breakfast diner. You can contact us at 123-456-7890.
Tifa gasped upon seeing that. "I am too pretty, you immature little insects!"
Back in the virtual reality place…
"Who the hell put in a commercial?" Genesis demanded, looking around.
Suddenly he heard someone counting.
Zack: 1…2…
Angeal: 3! RELEASE THE FAN GIRLS!
Zack: Okay!
Genesis and Sephiroth: Oh shit…
Zack and Angeal: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The pair's eyes widened in horror as they saw the mob of rabid virtual fan girls coming their way. "RUN!" Sephiroth yelled at the top of his lungs. It didn't take them two seconds to run half way across the virtual world and hide in a tree. Then, out of virtually (ha) Bumhell Nowhere, Riku stabbed his Dark Keyblade in the men's chests and they all stood there, dumb looks on their faces before suddenly brightening and becoming all flowery like causing Cloud and Zack to come over and beat the crap out of Sephiroth because he reminded them of Aerith, who he had impaled.
-VILLA-
"Wow." Yuffie was the only one who spoke, and it was out of a little shock. Everyone nodded in their agreement, before Sephiroth turned to Zack, fire in his eyes.
"You know something? That scarred me for the rest of my life!"
"That's what you get no-quarter-giver!" Zack retorted, getting in Sephiroth's face.
"Dummy!"
"Loser!"
"Idiot!"
"Stupid!"
"WHITE!"
"BLACK!"
"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Aerith screamed loudly. Leon looked to his right and noticed that Cloud's lamp had exploded. "You guys are best friends! NOW FORGIVE EACH OTHER!" she continued.
Zack sighed. "Fine."
"Whatever," added Sephiroth.
The two stood and walked to each other and embraced (and not in THAT kind of way! You mortals and your sick jokes!)
"Dork," Zack whispered in Sephiroth's ear.
"Retard," he whispered back.
End Chapter.
I've been struck with an idea! Next chapter will be: Gold Saucer bloopers! Except…EVERYONE'S going!! Genesis, Angeal, Zack, and much much more! I promise I will redeem myself from this chapter in that one! Plus, we'll be getting Montage 2! So please, if you haven't guessed by now, guess the scenes in Montage 1. Pwease? (uses big Bambi eyes)
Requests? Ideas for the trip to go awry in more than one way? Send 'em in by review!!