Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers

Intro: Oh! I'm so happy some people actually filled out the form! That means people actually read my author's notes! Yay! I feel all warm and fuzzy! This is gonna be a huge SLAMMA-JAMMA! In fact, I've written out most of it, and I can't tell you how many spit takes of Mountain Dew Code Red I almost did on my computer. As for my bedroom floor...

No more people! I've run out of places to put them! There is enough! Thank you for all of those who sent stuff in!

Disclaimer: I own this sandwich. (points at turkey sandwich before stuffing it in face)

Chapter Thirteen
Randomness Isn't All That Bad

-STRAIGHT TO BLOOPERS-

Random Zack and Cloud Caught! Moment
(Idea from a mirror Zack and Cloud pic on TokyoPop)

He was bored, frustrated. He needed to vent out his energies. He thought about going out to play B-Ball with his friends on the beach but he really didn't want to face anyone…well at least not like this.

Defeated, he slumped onto the sofa and switched on the TV, flicking 'til he found what he was looking for-

Heroes; a brilliant show, which he had recently become addicted to. It was fast-paced, action-based with a great plotline and one particular character that he could really relate to: Nikki Saunders or her dead sister Jessica. Zack felt a profound connection to this character because like Nikki/Jessica, he was one part of a whole with Cloud, yes the two-time hero, as the dominant half like Nikki.

But the episode that Zack was watching today filled him with hope. Jessica had finally taken over and Nikki was now the reflection in the mirror.

Maybe the same can happen for me, Zack thought as he approached the mirror room where he would have his encounter with Cloud. And sure enough , there stood Cloud, his gaze boring into Zack's.

"I'm gonna kick your ass," Cloud yelled at Zack.

"Bring it, blondie!" Zack yelled back.

The two of them clashed in the middle of the room exchanging blows, each trying to do as much damage to the other as possible. But they were evenly matched and no matter how hard one tried the other still stood….

From outside the room, two very familiar individuals watched this duel with obvious amusement. To them, it looked like Cloud was beating himself up. After a few minutes of this, Cloud finally passed out, all bloodied and bruised.

"Did you get all that?" Aerith asked.

"Yeah, his life is so over, yo." Reno smiled as he said this and held up his camcorder.

"I can't wait to post this on youtube!"

Scene of Kadaj Turning into Sephiroth

Cloud attacks Kadaj, lands on his sword, Kadaj becomes Sephiroth. "Good to see you," Sephiroth looked up, "Cloud."

Cloud's eyes widened. "ZOMG! Kadaj has a twin!"

Take 2

This time, Cloud makes it all the way to being hit up to the building. "Sephiroth," he began, glaring up at him, "you snore loud! I mean GEEZ! I could hear you the whole time we were in Nibelheim, and we had SEPARATE ROOMS!"

Take 3

"Sephiroth," he began, glaring up at him, "you're lucky. I wish I could wear bondage gear too…"

Tetsuya: CUTTTTTTTT!

Scene of Cloud and Mr. Dolphin

As Cloud began to swim, the water got deep and deeper until he couldn't touch the bottom anymore. "I'm drowning! I'm drowning!"

Take 2

Cloud got to an appropriate spot for Mr. Dolphin to toss him up. He blew the whistle, and the dolphin came towards him. But then, Cloud's blond side of the brain kicked in.

"OMG! IT'S JAWS! SWIM AWAY SWIM AWAAAAAYYYYYYY!"

Scene of Aerith Running off Into Sleeping Forest

"Well, then I'll be going. I'll come back when it's all over." Aerith turned and ran toward that green portal thing, but then she tripped, bringing the whole backdrop down with her. "Oops…"

Take 2

Sephiroth drifted down from above once Aerith was out of sight. "She's thinking of interfering? That girl could be a problem," he mused to Cloud. "We will have to stop her."

"No!" Cloud answered, crossing his arms. "She's UGLY!" (AN: Actually, I think she's really pretty, but still…)

"U-G-L-Y You ain't got no-"

Tetsuya: Ugh. Cut…

Scene in Crisis Core With the Arm Touching Thing w/ Cloud and Zack

Zack held his arm out.

Cloud dug in his pocket, then shook his hand. "Sorry, Zack, but I don't have any money."

"…Damn."

BlueFox: (whispering to camera) I mugged him.

MakruTree: And I spent the gil. Hehehehehehe…

Both:Hehehehehe... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

Tetsuya, Cloud, and Zack: O.o

Scene With Cloud Falling into Church
(Note: I love Clerith pairings, but I love Zerith more)

The Air Buster exploded, and Cloud was flung up and then grabbed the edge of the building. After the pointless conversation, a giant bird comes out from nowhere and flies away with Cloud.

Tifa began to chase after the bird. "Cloud! Cloud! WAIIIT!"

BlueFox: MUAHAHAHA! That's how it SHOULD have gone. Because now Zack and Aerith can live happily ever after, and Cloud can burn in hell.

MakruTree: You sure are evil today.

Script Malfunction
(right before fight against Bizarro)

Cloud raised an eyebrow at the script, shrugged, then got ready to do the scene. When it came time to shout the enemy's name, he did.

"SEXY SEPHY!"

"What?!" Sephiroth screeched at him.

BlueFox and Armageddon Child: (fangirl giggles)

Cloud sighed and shook his head. "That's what the script says."

Sephiroth sighed, crossing his arms. "The script must be wrong, then."

BlueFox: Nope, it's correct. Please go on.

Cloud sighed. "SEXY SEPHY!"

"Ugh... Is this... the true power of …Sexy Sephy?" Barret swore loudly after his statement.

"My... my body... I can't control my body... Uuugh!?" Cid was relieved his was a normal line.

Anyway, everyone said their lines, till they got to Tifa. She said hers with FEELING.

"Sexy Cloud… Sexy Cloud…" Cloud gave her a scared look as her eyes turned to hearts.

"WTF?"

BlueFox: Hahaha, this is awesome. XD

Then Toshiro timidly poked his head in. "Is it safe to watch?"

MakruTree: TOSHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! (glomps Toshiro)

"Can we start over?" Sephiroth asked.

BlueFox: Sure thing, Sexy Sephy! We'll try again another time.

Scene in Crisis Core w/ Genesis Unfurling his Wing

Genesis' wing shot out, a few feathers coming loose and floating down, making it look all cool-like. He glanced back at Zack and grinned.

But then Cloud walked on screen. "Zack, Aerith says you forgot your Buster in her…" He trailed off, staring at Genesis. "Holy Mother of God, what kinda guy wears pink? It's so girly!"

"Yeah it is!" Zack agreed. "LOL!"

"LOL!" Cloud answered, and they high-fived like retarded teenagers…which they kinda were at the time.

Scene Right Before Shinra SOLDIERs Arrive on Cliff

Cloud lifted his head from Zack's shoulder. Noticing the barren wasteland around them, he raised an eyebrow. "End of the road?"

Zack nodded. "Yep." He sat Cloud down and sat beside him. Seems the enemy SOLDIERs had either gone on break or were hopelessly lost.

"Soooo…" Cloud finally broke the silence, looking up from his interesting twiddling of the thumbs. "Wanna make out?"

Zack grinned. "Sure!"

MakruTree: (interrupts) IS TOSHY WITH YOU GUYS? He disappeared! Hey Toshyyyyyyyyy... I'm gonna find youuuuuuu... (goes off to find Toshiro)

BlueFox: Hehehehehe (gets camera) Clack! One of my anti-drugs!!

Zack grinned malevolently at her. "Too bad. We were kidding," he told her.

BlueFox: NOOOOO! My life was a lie! T-T

Scene With Cloud and Sephiroth on Bridge in Nibelheim Reactor

"Sephiroth!" Cloud ran out after him.

"HAHA!" Sephiroth declared, spinning and smacking Cloud's face with his hair.

Cloud stumbled back, coughing. "HEY! You aren't supposed to do that!" He then coughed up a silver hairball.

"FINE! You can't kill me then!"

Tetsuya: CUT! Let's try that again…

Take 2

"HAAAAAAAA!" Cloud grabs the Masamune and attempts to throw Sephiroth over the edge, but Sephiroth just stands there. "What the heck? DIEDIEDIEDIE!" He repeatedly swung Sephiroth's sword around like a stick, but Sephiroth wouldn't budge.

"HAHA! YOU PATHETIC MORTAL!" Sephiroth laughed.

Tetsuya: Cut! (Looks at the Sephiroth) Why? Why can't you get this right Sexy Sephy?

Sephiroth moaned. "Not you too!"

Scene With Aerith and Zack in the Church

"Ugh, heaven?" Zack asked, looking at Aerith.

"Sorry, but my mom said not to talk to strangers."

Tetsuya: CUT!

Take 2

"Ugh, heaven?"

"Why would you think that?" Aerith questioned.

"Um…well…I don't know!" Zack grabbed her hand to hoist himself up.

"SEXUAL HARASSMENT! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

Tetsuya: STOP! STOP IT NOW!

Take 3

"Ugh, heaven?"

"Yes."

"Huh? That can't be right."

"Oh, but it is."

"Why?"

"Ummm…because?"

"Well, that's a sucky answer!"

"I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!" Aerith ran for her trailer.

Tetsuya: (Slaps forehead)

Scene With Sephiroth Throwing Destruct Materia

"...Reunion? Calamity from the skies?" Cloud questioned, then Sephiroth threw the materia at him. As he flew away, Cloud stood and picked it up. "…A jawbreaker?"

Take 2

"...Reunion? Calamity from the skies?" Cloud questioned, then Sephiroth threw the materia at him. "MY NOSE!"

Tetsuya: CUTCUTCUT!

Scene With Phone Sinking

As the phone gently touched bottom, Zack, not Aerith, spoke. "Monkey, monkey, monkey."

"Zack! What the heck are you doing?" Aerith was heard distantly.

"I want more lines!"

Take 2

So, they decided to see how Zack did in this scene. This time, he began to say the (edited) lines. "We never blamed you, not once… You—ooh! It's echoy in here! Echo! Echo!"

Tetsuya: Moron…

Take 3

This time, neither Aerith nor Zack spoke. It was instead…a special guest.

"Look at what I've got here!" Suddenly, a huge crash could be heard and a little silence. Then, "I got it." There were a few footsteps. "Can you guess what this is? I gotta jar of dirt! I gotta jar of dirt! I gotta jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it!"

"I love Jack Sparrow," Aerith said, before sipping her green tea.

"Man. I'm all out of pocky." Zack sounded dejected.

-SPECIAL BLOOPERS-
Aerith and Cloud's Date

EDK was defeated. "No! Not the power……of love!"

Cloud's eyes widened. "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-But!" he protested.

Tetsuya: Is something wrong, Cloud?

Aerith started to blush and rubbed the back of her head. "Uh…"

"BUT WE USED A CONDEM!" Cloud cried, going into hysterics.

BlueFox: I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!

Take 2

"What? You don't like being with me?" Aerith asked, putting her hands behind her back.

Cloud shook his head vehemently. "No! No! I like being IN you more!"

Tetsuya: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

BlueFox: AHHAHA! (Rubs head and stomps feet) BAD IMAGES! BAD IMAGES!

Take 3

"I am the wizard," said the wizard. "What do you wish to know?"

Cloud scratched his head, then came up with something. "Who is my dad?"

"Who indeed!"

"Where's Aerith?"

"This way, that way, wow, the authoress is gay!"

BlueFox: What the-? (torches wizard with a flamethrower) NO! I just like yaoi…especially Clack and Cleon. (sighs)

Take 4

"Who indeed!"

"Where's Alicia? Er…Annalise? Wait, April? Auburn?" Cloud looked ready to have an aneurysm.

Tetsuya: Cloud, did you read the script last night?

Cloud chuckled nervously. "Yes?"

BlueFox and Tetsuya: LIAR!

Take 5

"Who is my dad?"

There was a dramatic pause, before a drunken Angeal swaggered on stage. "Cloud! I AM YOUR FATHER!" He threw his hands out gallantly.

Cloud began to hyperventilate. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, grabbing his head and falling to the floor.

Tetsuya: (bangs head on the wall continuously)

Take 6

The 'Interrupted by Fireworks' theme began, and Aerith closed her eyes and swung the Gondola back and forth.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she cried, before swinging it a bit too hard. Poor Cloud flew out of the Gondola and onto the Chocobo Racing track, where he promptly got trampled.

Tetsuya: NOT AGAIN!

"Aerith! I need a Great Gospel!" Cloud cried before passing out.

(Later on) Take 567

The 'Interrupted by Fireworks' theme starts AGAIN. It's like midnight, and everyone just wants to go home.

"W00T!" Aerith cried, doing the Funky Chicken.

Sephiroth roared in pure frustration (it was past his bedtime) and stabbed Aerith.

Tetsuya: YOU'RE TOO EARLY! CUT!

(Around 2 in the morning) Take 1,864

Theme starts.

"WOOYEAH!" Aerith cried, doing the Egyptian, Lawn Sprinkler, and Cabbage Patch.

Reno pointed. "I CAN DO THAT, YO!"

Tetsuya: WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE!

--

Whoo…pretty random, huh? Sorry, but I just had to do one of those Take (insert big number here) bloopers, so I did. And Angeal being Cloud's dad…that would be so awkward… O.o Does it ever mention who Cloud's dad is?

Sorry for you yaoi/Zerith/Clerith haters. Yaoi or Zerith or Clerith equal happy squealing and giggling on my part. MakruTree doesn't like yaoi, but Armageddon has nothing against it, so I used her for the 'Sexy Sephy' scene.

Ideas? Requests? Feedback? Send 'em in by review! The next chapter: Karaoke! The characters have to sing to a song that is SO not their style, like Vincent singing 'Suteki Da Ne' or '1000 Words' or something. If you have ideas, make sure that whatever character you suggest sings a song that is their polar opposite, por favor!