Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers
Intro: CELEBRATING OVER 100 REVIEWS! (blows noisemaker as confetti falls from the ceiling) Oh my GOD that's never happened to me before! Gah! I knew I'd hit the gold big time when I got 50 reviews! Gah! I love you all! Plushies of your favorite characters for everyone! And ice cream cake!
Won't be able to update again after this chapter. Parents are coming home tomorrow, so I hafta shrink back into obscurity. Yeah…but 11 pages of Zack bloopers should sate you over, no?
Ah, here we are, finally, at the fourth Disc of Bloopers… I get the feeling this is going to be a quick one, because it's only Top Ten Countdowns, pretty much. We've got Zack's Top Ten, Cloud's Top Ten, Aerith's Top Ten…and those are all chapters of their own right! And then, thanks to an idea by Warrayfinson, the final chapter of the Fourth Disc will be none other than Pranks! which is like Caught! but much more different. How so? Well, you'll have to wait and see! Mwahahahahaha…
I have an odd urge to put in a few Star Ocean: Till the End of Time characters in here, like Maria and Fayt and maybe even Cliff. But for now, it's just Maria and Luther. For the heck of it.
So, without further ado, here's an all Square-Enix villain's audience to watch Zack's Top Ten Bloopers!
Disclaimer: I can pray and beg and plead and write to the producers and lawyers all I want to, but I do not, and never will, own Final Fantasy or Star Ocean or Kingdom Hearts or their characters. It's probably for the best, anyway. (sniffles)
Chapter Sixteen
Zack Top Ten Countdown
One Month After the Disastrous Karaoking…
It was a peaceful morning as Sephiroth and his co-worker Luther Lansfeld walked through the automatic swishy doors leading into 'Cloud's Store' on Esthar. No one knew why they were so far away from home. Nobody wanted to know.
The pair grumbled as they walked into Cloud's Store, somewhat disappointed that they still had jobs there. Apparently, they were an asset to Maria's amusement. A sick and twisted amusement that is.
"Dude, you're taking phones today," Sephiroth said without hesitation.
"No way Sephiroth, I hate taking phones. 3-D beings piss me off and if I have to talk to them face to face then I can at least cast some high powered and overly dramatic spell to kill their asses dead. Or at least dead as they can get when you have pansies like Cloud and Fayt around to revive them."
"Let me cry for you?"
"You suck, Sephiroth."
"Depends on what form of suck we're talking..."
"Like the bad kind."
"...Wait, there's a good kind? I was just making a cheap come back that really didn't work except to make me sound even more gay than the average fanfiction writer seems to make me."
"Hey girls, time to stock more useless video games!" Kuja called to his fellow workers.
"What the hell Kuja, you look more like a girl than anyone here!" Sephiroth yelled.
"So what must we waste our lives stocking?" Luther asked.
"Oh you know, the usual...Fayt's invented something else."
"God, what's it this time?"
"4-D Shuffle Board. I don't see the reason why, either."
Luther looked at the boxes holding the game and cringed, discreetly setting them on fire.
"Dude, can't we PLEASE NOT work here anymore?"
"Oh my God! Hell no you did NOT just use a double negative..."
"You just did too Sephiroth!"
"Sorry the Internet is corrupting me..."
"You should be ashamed..."
Before the two could begin their endless argument about the loserness of the Internet, the phone rang, and Luther begrudgingly picked up the phone.
"What the BEEP do you want?" He growled but coughed when he saw THAT look Maria was giving him. "How may I help you person that keeps us in business therefore forcing me into this job and making me face humiliation everyday of being a washed up super villain that just does not get enough love and has to face the fact that I was pwned by a mere Earthling and spends all of my days telling people that they SUCK because they're Earthlings and facing THAT look Sephiroth keeps giving me because I'm totally indirectly trashing him with this very obnoxious monologue in hopes that not only will you hang up and save me the trouble of continuing this but that Sephiroth will realize how much of a turd he sounds like when he goes all long and dramatic with words and acting all cryptic when no one REALLY knows what the hell he's saying yet he STILL gets massive love because he's part of a mainstream SCAM created by the other half of our company and along with that I'm sincerely hoping to NOT get shot again but I just don't care because I learned a nice new move called WALL, and why the hell that wasn't in MY game I'd like to know but it's apparently working and you STILL have not hung up, which is pissing me off greatly because I'm seriously running out of breath as I am not as practiced with monologuing as Sephiroth, who's currently giving me the eat shit and die right now look, which is kind of funny because I'm not going to stop, because this is actually quite amusing, not that I get to have much amusement, because I'm suppose to be DEAD thanks to a certain obnoxious blue haired boy and his friends, who SHOULD NOT HAVE DEFEATED me, as I was SO SERIOUSLY stronger than they are by like half a million hit points, and I can cast an ultimate destruction attack, yet a few sword slashes beat me EVEN in my demonic scary looking form that for what ever reason made me a stereotypical villain what with the wings and shit, and the uncontrollable urge to laugh like a maniac after every sentence I say, which makes absolutely no sense like every other stupid RPG villain in history, more or less the Final Fantasy villains, which come from a series that will NEVER end as it's already been proven by the countless games made, but then again it COULD be worse, it COULD be kingdom hearts, which doesn't even deserve capital letters at the beginning of its name, and now I'm laughing at Sephiroth because he got PWNED by a kid with a key and a sect of Disney characters, not to mention PWNED by that blonde EMO kid not but like five minutes after he was revived again, which really makes me question why the hell all the GOOD GUYS have a BLONDE hair, granted I'm blonde but how often do you see a BLONDE BAD GUY, the answer is you don't, because apparently blonde isn't cool enough, only silver, well guess what buddy, you damnable Earthling, you can go beep yourself because I could SOOO beat Sephiroth in a fight and I can monologue like a bitch too, Seph's not the only bad ass villain here, so take your damn video game and shove it up your ass, because I don't wanna help you ignorant Earthlings who can't seemed to realize that you cannot stick a beep cartridge in a Play Station 3 and that a PSP does NOT I repeat CANNOT play Game boy games, and that NO you cannot use a X-Box Controller on a stupid Sega Genesis, which I really don't understand how one can be so BEEP stupid, but you've got three seconds to explain why you're calling or I swear to the Executioners I'll just blow this stupid planet into space dust!"
The other line became very quiet.
"WELL?!"
"...Luther are you having a bad day?" The person finally spoke.
"Oh...Fayt...Crap...I just wasted a perfectly usable monologue on YOU!"
"It's not MY fault..."
"Well stupidbluehairedasshole, what do you want?"
"I'm calling in sick."
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"
"Actually I'm not an evil washed up has-been, so I can. Tell Maria I'll make up my hours later! Have fun, sonofabitchblondeshithead!" Click.
"The hell?...There is an INJUSTICE IN THIS SOMEWHERE!"
"HEY THAT'S MY LINE!"
Luther looked around, but then realized that it was a disembodied voice that said that.
"WAAAH? Don't I get ANY reprieve!?" The Creator whined before getting smacked over the head with Masamune, held by Sephiroth.
"THAT'S FOR TOPPING MY LONGEST MONOLOGUE!" He swung again, hitting him in the back of the head. "THAT'S FOR thinking you can kick MY ass!" Another hit. "That's for patronizing me!!" A final swing. "And THAT'S FOR BEATING ME IN SOUL CALIBER II YESTERDAY!"
"OW OW OW AND BEEP OWWW! I thought you were OVER THAT?!"
"You beat me with CASANDRA! I AM NOT OVER IT!" Another swing.
"OW! PUT THE BLOODY MASAMUNE DOWN ASSHOLE!"
"MAKE ME!"
"WHAT YOU WANNA PEICE OF ME?!"
"BRING IT ASSHOLE!"
"FINE I WILL BUT WHEN I SLAUGHTER YOUR ASS DON'T GO BITCHING TO MARIA!"
"OH PLEASE, ALL YOU DO IS TALK!"
"ALL I DO IS TALK? YOU'RE THE ONE HAVING A BITCH FIT BECAUSE I CAN MONOLOGUE JUST AS GOOD AS YOU!"
"CAN NOT!"
"CAN TOO!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"SHUT UP!!"
"MAKE ME!"
Two shots sounded and both villains shut up instantly as they watched the two bullets fly only inches from their faces, they turned expecting to see Maria scolding them but instead they found Xigbar.
"If you don't shut up I will fire again. You both know my aim is horrible, so let's just say I aim for that very spot those bullets just hit, chances are I'll miss and hit both of you. So DON'T make me miss again!"
The two looked at each other.
"Uh...how about a rematch?" Sephiroth said.
"Name the game."
"Sonic II, 2 player version."
"You're on."
And they both left for the backroom, a.k.a. the employee 'sit on your ass and play video games' lunch break room.
They flicked on the TV, and immediately found themselves with the Final Fantasy VII logo on the screen, saying, Final Fantasy VII Bloopers Disc Four. There was a shift of cloth behind them, and looking behind them, they saw none other than Genesis looking at the screen.
"You gonna play the damn thing or what?"
Cloud's Store closed early that day for the viewing of the fourth disc of bloopers.
-BLOOPERS!-
10. Scene on Junon Airlift Thing
"We'll see each other again," said Sephiroth, nodding ever so slightly to Zack, who nodded with a grin.
"I'll hold you to that!" he called over his shoulder, as he jogged away. But not before she stepped on his untied boot lace and did a faceplant on the ground.
"I need a Great Gospel!" he called from off screen.
9. Scene Where Zack Falls into Church
Over and over, end over end, he fell, and fell, and fell. He had long since stopped screaming and was just laying in the air as he fell. "How long have I been falling?"
BlueFox: I don't know! I don't wear a watch!
Tetsuya: Mine doesn't tell time! And Cut!
Take 2
This time, he actually hit the roof and some of the planks fell away under him, but he never landed. Looking around, Zack's eyes went wide as his feet began to flail beneath him. He was stuck, half of him hanging below the roof and the other above him.
Aerith stands underneath his feet at the wrong time, as one of Zack's materia comes out of his pocket and hits her in the head. She is promptly knocked out.
Tetsuya: (blinks) Zack, how many jelly donuts did you have before this scene?
Zack turns a right red and shakes his head. "I wouldn't ask that…"
8. Scene When Zack Wakes up in the Church
"Helllloooo? Hurray!" declared Aerith as Zack's eyes opened.
These were the first thoughts running through his head: Flowers? Blue? Boobs? Wait…boobs? Then he smiled in a lopsided way and began to stare at Aerith, drool coming from his mouth.
BlueFox: Aww…Zerith's awesome.
Tetsuya: He's a really big pervert…
7. Scene at the end of AC
"Again?" asked Aerith, taking her hand away. "Why does everyone keep calling me their mother lately?"
There was silence. Aerith looked over at Zack, who was just staring at Cloud. "Um, Zack, you're supposed to say something…"
BlueFox: Uh…he kinda can't.
Aerith looks at her. "Why not?"
BlueFox: Erm… (hides peanut butter behind back)
Tetsuya: Why do I get the impression you're screwing this all up?
BlueFox: (smiles sweetly) Oh, I dunno…
6. Scene when one of the Genesis Clones Goes After Zack's Hair
The Genesis clone swooped down and bit Zack's hair, giving a yank to rip it off. Instead what it got was a shocked shriek as Zack was tugged off the motorcycle, leaving the motorcycle and Cloud to both crash.
"God! That hurt!" Zack screaming, punching the Genesis clone in the face as Aerith ran on screen to administer a Great Gospel to poor Cloud.
5. Scene of Escaping the pods in FF7
Instead of saying, "Hey, you doing okay?" Zack instead said, "Uh, Cloud? Are you wearing clean underwear?"
Tetsuya: O.o
BlueFox: (buries face)
4. Scene of SOLDIER Battle in CC
Zack held his sword out in front of him. "Honestly free—" The microphone made that shrieking noise. "Honestly freedo—" The microphone again. "Honestly, freedom sure is—" Microphone shrieks again. "Honest—" Microphone. "AHHHHHHHHH!" Zack threw a fit and ripped the microphone from the ceiling.
Fayt (yeah from Star Ocean) suddenly ran on and gasped at the scene. "I'M A MICROPHONE RIGHTS ACTIVIST AND I'M INSULTED!" He took the microphone from Zack and began to smack him over the head continuously.
Tetsuya: FAYT! Why are you on this side of the building for God's sakes!
BlueFox: …Cut?
3. Scene With Monsters Roaming in Nibelheim and in the Reactor
"HIIIIYYYYYYYAAAAAAA!" Zack screeched, attacking a monster, only to go right through it. "What the hell?!"
BlueFox: (stretches out a hand) Zack…they're holograms.
About two hours later, Zack is laying on the ground, absolutely out of breath. BlueFox sighs.
BlueFox: I told you.
Take 2
One of the monsters fell out of the pods, and suddenly Zack's eyes flared and he smiled evilly. "IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Sephiroth gave him a freaked out look. "Dude, no!"
Tetsuya: Cut!
2. Behind the Scenes Part 1
Marlene and Denzel plus all those other kids from AC are running around. Zack is leaning against the wall, sipping a soda from the can with his face on it as Cloud runs around, trying to get the kids together into a semi-organized mess.
"YOU SEE WHY I QUIT BABYSITTING!" Cloud yelled at Zack.
Zack laughed. "I LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN!" he yelled as Cloud scooped Marlene up and used Contain on all the other kids.
He glared at Zack. "I'LL SHOW YOU PAIN!"
Number 1 Zack Blooper: Scene With Genesis on Junon Canon
"Your desire, the Goddess's Gift shall foster a life. Your story shall be told, your sacrifice and the world's end. Like the wind that blows over the secret water surface, gently and certainl-AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Zack had crept up behind him and shoved him down into the water.
drakan101 and BlueFox ran on screen, shoving Zack into the water, both screaming, "NOOOO! GENNY!"
Take 2
"Your desire, the Goddess's Gift shall foster a life. Your story shall be told, your sacrifice and the world's end. Like the wind that blows over the secret water surface, gently and certainly." After a few seconds, he turned to leave, only to come face to face with Zack. "AUGH! Zack, what the hell?"
"Just wondering what you were doing up here, that's all." Then Zack smiled. "What're you afraid of?"
Genesis raised an eyebrow. "Nothing, actually." Zack poked him then pushed down at the water, then at the gagged and tied drakan101 and BlueFox off-screen.
"They can't help you, so you might want to tell me."
So, Genesis did the best thing he could do: he lied. "Uh…your spikey hair?"
Zack's eyes flared. "Well, at least I don't wear pink!"
Genesis gasped. "I'm hurt!"
Tetsuya: CUT!
-SPECIAL BLOOPERS-
-Behind the Scenes Part 2-
MakruTree: ...and there I was, just minding my own business, when SUDDENLY…
Aerith made a dramatic gasp. "What happened?"
MakruTree: TOSHIRO appears out of nowhere, hands me a flower and asks me out! Can you believe it?
Cloud snorted. "That's it? Booorrring!"
Zack shoved him onto his side on the floor (BTW, they're sitting). "That's not boring, you're boring!"
Cloud shook his head as he sat up. "Besides, Toshiro's canon with Momo, so it couldn't have happened."
MakruTree: Did SO, Cloud. And I wasn't dreaming!
"I didn't say that you were…"
Toshiro suddenly appeared out of nowhere, looking around quizzically. "Uh, where am I?"
MakruTree: (squeals) TOSHY I MISSED YOU! (glomps Toshiro…again)
Aerith squealed, too. "Me too!"
MakruTree: (glares at Aerith) Don't even think about it! He's MINE!
Aerith cringed from the death glare.
BlueFox (sighs as she sits down) First Aerith and Cloud over Zack, now this…
Angeal meandered over and sat with the little group. "Aerith, I thought you loved Zack."
Zack gasped, pinching Angeal. "ANGEAL! You're alive!"
Angeal tossed him an incredulous look. "I... was never dead... we were cast members, remember? We didn't really die."
Zack nodded, understanding. "Riiiiight. That's what you want me to think. No worries. We'll keep this meeting a secret."
Angeal pointed at the not-so-hidden camera. "Everyone can see us."
Zack started to wave his hands frantically. "SHHHH! If we can't see them, then they can't see us!"
"I can see them…" Cloud couldn't help but say that.
BlueFox: OH I WISH I WAS A LLAMA IN A BIG OLD LLAMA WORLD...
"BlueFox, do you like llamas?" Aerith asked.
BlueFox: YESH!
"I like llamas if llamas like being frozen! 'Cause then they'd be easier to take care of!" Toshiro chimed in.
O.o went everyone else.
MakruTree: Toshyyyyyyy! MAKE ME AN ICE SCULPTURE MY LOVE!
"Okayyyyyyy..." Toshiro began to use his err, abilities with ice (I forgot the sword's name, okay?) to make an ice sculpture of MakruTree. "Hush little ice, and please don't melt, daddy's gonna buy you a...uh... pot of gold...?"
MakruTree: (gasp) I want a pot of gold! Will you buy me one?
BlueFox: Nonononono ME!
MakruTree: Nononono ME!
BlueFox: Nononononononononono ME!
MakruTree: Nononononononono-
"ALRIGHT!" Toshiro yelled. "Both of you will get a wonderful pot of gold."
BlueFox and MakruTree: YIPPEE!
Cloud leaned over to Angeal. "Angeal, I can read Zack's mind…"
Angeal gave him a raised eyebrow look. "Okay…?"
"He's thinking…that—"
"I BET THAT HE'S THINKING THAT YOU'D MAKE A FREAKY FORTUNE TELLER, CLOUD!" Aerith suddenly blurted out.
MakruTree: (nods) People would be like: AHH! It's the fortune teller Cloud! I'm melting, ahhh...
Angeal stared at her. "Wrong game."
Zack poked Angeal. "It's a movie, idiot."
Angeal suddenly gave a loud, very feminine squeal. "They're coming out with a Crisis Core movie? I CALL PLAYING ANGEAL!"
Everyone looked at him, and then said, "You ARE Angeal!"
"Geez... you don't have to yell at me!" He shook his head, then looked at BlueFox. "I like your sleeves... they're real big..."
BlueFox: (sweatdrops)
Tetsuya: (walks in) Okay, I need Cloud now, for the fight against Sephiroth...
BlueFox: HEY DUDE! Wanna come pet some llamas with me?
Tetsuya: Uh...no... I'm so glad that you're not co-directing anymore...
BlueFox: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? (pouts)
Cloud and Zack stood up as Fang and Squall came over, and all four of BlueFox's bodyguards/muses glared at Tetsuya. Fang was the one who spoke. "If she cries, YOU DIE!"
Tetsuya: (sweatdrops) Okay, comeoncomeoncomeon, Cloud!
Cloud, still glaring, follows Tetsuya.
BlueFox: The llamas will get you! They'll come after you, I swear!
Squall sighed and shook his head. "Too dramatic, BlueFox."
BlueFox: I'll be famous, too! YOU'LL SEE!
Toshiro and MakruTree spontaneously burst into song. "FAME! He's gonna live forever! He's gonna learn how to fly..."
"HIGH!" Zack and Angeal added in.
BlueFox: (gasps) You guys sing? LET'S ALL SING TOGETHER! Yayyyyyy togetherness!
Fang and Squall looked at each other. "Uh…we've gotta go." They then turned tail and ran.
-.-.-
End: Random, no? I thought the whole Zack pushing Genesis into the ocean was funny, right? And that last behind the scene thing was random AND strange, huh? Well, yeah. So the next chapter is Cloud's Top Ten Bloopers.
Ideas for him? Requests for the Special Bloopers? Send 'em in by review, pwease!