Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers
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Intro: HO-LY CRAP. This was the absolute TOUGHEST chapter out of them all to crank out. The Top Ten Aerith bloopers… In all honesty, I didn't think of any, One-Winged-Chaos sent in like 4 ideas, but none of my friends or I could come up with the other six. You see, I wanted to do absolutely NO Aerith-death bloopers, since I've done so many of those throughout this entire fic. Once I took that out of the equation, my brain officially farted. It doesn't help that school's back on and stuff…
But then, an idea occurred to me, a funny one at that, I think. You see, I thought, 'What if everyone but Seph and Aerith got the flu, and certain other characters had to fill in for lovable AVALANCHE?' (insert maniacal laughter here) So, for Aerith's chapter, dedicated to her, I give you my FINAL parody of her death…FF9 style.
WARNING: EXTREME OOCNESS. We're talking x-games, here, people. Also, no penguins were harmed in this parody-like thing.
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! Keep your lawyers leashed. (Happy reading!)
Chapter Eighteen
Aerith's Death…FF9 Style
(Please note, that those from FF9 have NOT played FF7 or seen it, or even looked at the script. Makes it all the more funny, eh?)
Tetsuya eyed the FF7 wing of the HQ of Square-Enix, and the pathetic creatures in it, moaning and groaning at the light. Either they were sick, or they were hungover.
Or both.
Man, and today they were going to take another whack at the whole 'most heartbreaking FF scene in MOST of FF history' AKA Aerith's death.
The producer of FF7 walked by then, and Tetsuya grabbed his arm. "Yoshi, look at these guys," Tetsuya brandished a hand at the huge cast of the original FF7 sans Aerith and Sephiroth. Yoshinori Kitase, the producer, peered inside. "What are they?"
"Sick. With the flu."
"Can they still work?"
Yoshinori gave him a look. "Did you just ask me what I think you asked me?"
"Can they work?"
"Hell no."
Tetsuya swore. "Well, Squall and the others are sick, too. Damn, we have to get Aerith's death done today."
"Well, we could always use…them."
Tetsuya looked alarmed. "No. Absolutely not, we are not putting that tail into FF7."
"Red has a tail."
"That's different!"
"Well, it's that or FF7 remake is postponed another year."
Tetsuya swore softly again. "All right, all right. Get them in here in five minutes, or we are not doing it."
Five Minutes Later…
Tetsuya (with a very pleased looking BlueFox beside him) rubbed his temples. "All right, guys, let's get this done. If we get this right, we can make it look like the others did it with visuals. Not many will notice the difference due to tears, but either way…"
BlueFox: JUST GET ON WITH IT!
Tetsuya: Action!
This is Where it All Goes WRONG
The flower girl was so into praying that she did not notice the penguin that came and stood beside her, its little eyes trained on her face. Tetsuya: Oh, for the love of…
BlueFox: SHHH!
It waddled a little closer, and then stayed still, and closed its eyes, as if it where praying too.
Silence filled the air, except the gentle sound of the Lifestream trickling over odd rocks and other protrusions.
Aerith's face broke into a small smile as she knelt there on the ground, hands clasped before her in the pose of someone who wanted peace.
The group was making good time, and had gotten to the 'outer circle' in just a few hours.
They where all running, and calling out Aerith's name, trying to see if they could find her.
They were going very quickly, and managed to hit the Capital within the next hour, and there, they found Aerith.
Everyone stared at her at first, and no one dared to speak, for fear of scaring off the penguin.
"Wow... It's so cute!" whispered Dagger as she observed the big flightless bird.
Everyone was gawking at the bird, and didn't notice the long shadow that had appeared on the floor briefly, in the space of a breath, and then disappeared.
Zidane made a strange gagging sound in the back of his throat, and his eyes rolled so that the pupils faced the back of his head.
His hands went over to his Orichalcon's handles, and he unsheathed them.
The others stared at him, and didn't know what to do.
The daggers flashed as he walked toward Aerith and the penguin, his mind racing with one thought: to kill.
His stately march toward the pair was slow, but methodical.
He got to the center of the Capital, and there he paused.
What the (censored) am I doing? he asked himself.
No! Don't stop! shouted a deathly silent voice in his head.
The daggers fell from his hands, and he dropped to his knees, tail flicking in discomfort.
Hey, this isn't funny! What the (censored) am I doing? He lifted his head to the skies, and saw a black shadow descend from the heavens like a black angel.
His eyes widened, and he stared out in fear; he couldn't make his body move.
His eyes caught a glint of metal, as a long thin blade flashed into existence in the falling shadow's hands.
A few seconds later, there was the sound of metal hitting stone, a red substance running down the sword's length, pooling on the floor.
There, standing next to the impaled subject, was a smiling silver-haired man, a look of satisfaction in his blazing aquamarine eyes.
The group stared in horror, as he pulled the sword out of the dead body and flicked it off like in the movie.
"HEY! You bastard! You killed that cute penguin!" shouted Zidane, anger flaring in his turquoise eyes.
"I what?" Sephiroth looked pissed.
He looked over at the body, and saw a young woman in pink, lying in a pool of blood, and next to the body, a penguin.
"You must be retarded," Sephiroth hissed.
"No! You killed the PENGUIN!" Zidane shouted, and flew at Sephiroth, the Orichalcon daggers in his hands.
Sephiroth became frightened, and disappeared, crying as he did, and leaving behind a hideous looking tentacle.
Zidane stared at the tentacle, and watched in utter horror as it transformed into a large bulbous like creature, that had tentacles and was purple.
Steiner screamed like a banshee and ran away from it, flailing his sword, and almost cutting Aerith's head off.
But Aerith noticed nothing of what was going on around her, her mind so immersed in prayer to the exclusion of every thing else.
The beast charged the group, and Vivi pulled out his staff, and shot out a Comet spell.
The comet blew a tentacle off of its body, and it gave a strange cry, like that of a woman in pain.
But it kept charging, and Vivi fired a second Comet, and another tentacle flew off, in an explosion of dark green liquid.
Then something strange happened, and a bolt of lightning crashed down, and hit the monster right where its head would have been, had it had one.
The creature screamed, and tumbled back, and landed with a thud onto the ground.
Vivi took that opportunity to do the honor of finishing it off.
He walked up to the flailing creature, and cast a Death spell.
The 'head' flew off the body while Vivi and the floor were both covered in a dark green liquid.
As the echoes died, the remaining tentacles fell to the floor, and twitched for a few seconds.
He slipped the Cypress Pile back under his cloak, and walked back to the group.
"Shall we retrieve Aerith?" Steiner asked, over his 'girl moment'.
"There is no need to," came a soft voice from behind him.
"What do you mean?" he asked, turning around to see who had said that.
He was startled to find Aerith standing there.
"We shall return. I have been told that Meteor shall be gone in a few days. Then the world will return to what it was before Meteor had been summoned," Aerith said, her eyes staring straight out into the nothingness, glazed over and unseeing.
"Okay! Let's go," Zidane said, walking away, and going to return to the Invincible, thinking his job was over.
Then Aerith turned to face the monkey boy, and smiled.
"So you ingrates came to see me? I figured you'd be harder to get rid of than that!" She looked at the group in an evil way.
"I guess I will have to kill you my self!" she said, pulling her staff out and looking around.
"I thought I could make Meteor go away, but you insist on being stupid, and following the plot. Well, (censored) the plot, I am taking over this game!" She smiled an evil smile, and proceeded to try and kill every one.
It all ended quickly, with Aerith being knocked out, and Eiko getting a nasty lump on her head.
Zidane had been hit several times in the unfortunate places, and Freya got away with a slash on her left arm.
The others sustained minimal damage, not worth reporting.
They made their way back to the ship, Amarant carrying both Eiko and Zidane, while Quina carried Aerith.
"My... Balls..." Zidane wheezed, and then fell unconscious from the pain.
Amarant actually felt bad for Zidane, because those hits had been hard.
-SPECIAL BLOOPERS-
-Scene When Cloud Fights Bahamut SIN-
(Credit to SunflowerWielder)
Cloud readied his swords and then launched himself at Bahamut SIN, with the awesome Divinity II playing in the background.
But then, of course, something happened and Cloud missed Bahamut SIN entirely.
Instead, he crashed headlong into Vincent and Tifa, and they all flew off the construction beam, with Cid staring down at them in shock. When they landed, one of Cloud's swords had flown away and Vincent was trying to feebly push Cloud off him, to no avail.
"Cloud…you're surprisingly heavy…" Vincent mumbled, still trying to push Cloud off him before he stopped, panting heavily.
Cloud managed to push himself into a sitting position, puffing. "It's the sword, I SWEAR!" he told Vincent, who only rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, sure it is…"
"I NEED A GREAT GOSPEL!" Tifa wailed.
End: Short and sweet, APOLOGIES! Ooh, poor Ziddy, but he's only gotten a taste of what Cloud's been going through this entire time! There you go, SunflowerWielder, your blooper twas used! YAY!
Okay, and about that whole audience thingie…yeah, nevermind. With a heavy heart, I must say that this fic is drawing to a close…only two more chapters left…well, three if you count the "Awards" chapter at the very end. You see, the next chapter is Pranks!, which I had promised Warrayfinson that I would do, and then after that is the final chapter, the blooper party.
As for all the ideas that haven't been used yet, I will somehow incorporate them into pranks that will be pulled. Of course, FF7 won't be the only victim in the "Three Z's" fun… So please, NO MORE ideas or requests, because it AIN'T happenin!
Review you worm babies, you! :D
PS: I apologize to all of the Twilight fans whom I obviously really hurt. Trust, I have nothing against Twilight, I absolutely love the series, and that whole porn of Edward thing was an inside joke among me and my friends. I can see it didn't go over so well last chapter… And am I the only one who has noticed the fact that I've turned the Great Gospel Limit Break into a running joke? I won't be surprised if I see it in some other FF parody fic/movie out there somewhere… Heh heh…