Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers
Intro: I'm not mean enough to hold out on you guys! XD IT IS THE FINAL CHAPTER! THE PARTY THAT WILL OUST ALL PARTIES! AN EXTREMELY LONG CHAPTER! I'm not kidding. Makru's chapter was like…42 pages. This is like…60 pages. Seriously, be ready for some intense reading.
You guys all remember the Caught! moments, like the Genesis vs. the dryer and the whole 'Cake/Pie' thing between Tseng and Zack…and probably some other things as well, right? Guess what? Theyyyyyyy'rrrrrrrre baaaaaaaaaack!
Thanks to those of you who wanted to come to the party, though a few of you sent your forms in late, and only one of you actually got in, and only really briefly, because I had this written out when you weren't there, so... Anyway, according to how you sent in your forms, you've all been split up into groups, as well as some of the characters modified to better suit this chapter's needs. And a final warning before you start reading: Reno is a perv. He doesn't know how to keep his distance. Whomever is in his group (you know who you are), this is not an act of revenge or anything. You gave me a lot of ideas, so trust me. I would just think it would be funny.
I have one final form for you to fill out. Send them in, so we can have like a reward show thing next time or something! That'll be the last chapter for sure! This is the closing chapter, so the next will be an Epilogue or something. Remember to erase the little notes I put in. Yeah!
Name: (just cause)
Favorite Character: (choose from FF7, or 6, or 9, or even 8 or KH! But only those who have appeared)
Favorite Quirk: (can include quirks from this chapter)
Favorite Disc 1 Blooper:
Favorite Disc 2 Blooper:
Favorite Disc 3 Blooper:
Favorite Disc 4 Blooper:
Favorite Disc Opening:
Favorite OC: (fill this one in AFTER you read this chapter, and it CANNOT be your own!)
Favorite Non-Blooper Chapter: (i.e. Gold Saucer chapter, AC Birthday Bash)
Favorite Audience:
Favorite Top 10 Countdown:
Best Caught! Moment:
Best Interview:
Best Montage:
Best Prank:
What do you want to see next? (see end of chapter for more information)
Final Questions and Comments: (absolutely anything goes here: shout-outs to the characters, a review if you so which, even a flame, if you have to)
In this chapter, to make things fair, there is no censoring. So if your characters aren't supposed to swear…and you didn't tell me…oh well. You're swearing!
On with the final chapter!
Disclaimer: (silence) Happy reading!
Warnings: As you all know, this fic is/was a work of fiction, and is/was made up of pure insanity. The following acts of insanity in this, THE FINAL CHAPTER, are included, but not limited to:
Perverts (mostly Reno)
OOC-ness (there's a lot)
OCs (not mine, but in the form of the readers')
Really bad language (uncensored, uncut!)
Excessive and over-use of the CAPS LOCK button (ah, but you should know that. There's been A LOT of that since the beginning of the fic)
Evil lawn gnomes
Evil dryers (it'ssssssss baaaaaaaaaaaaack!)
HORNY CHOCOBOS
Some-what graphic details of the female menstruation cycle (but Aerith's not the one saying it this time!)
Disturbing misuses of the main course AKA a turkey
Emo!Yuffie
PERVS! (O wait…I already warned you about that…)
Nuclear-powered leaf-blower rampages (bad Genesis! That's a no-no!)
Christmas Carols (mainly because that's all I hear at school, so I'm making you guys suffer, too!)
Nudity (but I'm not saying who…)
…and a bunch of other stuff. If you have problems with any of the aforementioned acts of insanity, then I suggest that you hit the back button right now. Remember, nobody is forcing you to read this! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
PAIRINGS: Just to be fair, here they are:
Slight Zerith
OC/Reno/OC
Squinoa
Zemyx (gasp! It's yaoi! But not much, don't freak out, Makru)
one-sided CloTif
one-sided Seifer/OC (actually, it's just temporary)
OC/Cloud
implied Yuffientine
hints of past (one-sided) Yuna/Genesis
Marlene/Denzel (thought they should get some screen time)
That's about it, really.
Another Warning: As previously stated, there is a lot of insanity in this chapter. A lot. So if your IQ drops a couple points… I'm sorry. I wrote this entire fic purely for entertainment, and I'm quite surprised at the feedback. Crisis Core music always seems to add a bit of humor to whatever story I'm working on, and I was listening to it a lot…so yeah.
Apologies to Warrayfinson about the guitar. I just thought it would be funnier if you used Demyx's sitar…I COULDN'T HELP PUTTING THE DORK IN HERE!
Apologies if you can never watch/play Final Fantasy VII in any way, shape, or form ever again. I know I can't watch AC without laughing at the most serious of times…can't wait for Crisis Core. Woo
Apologies to FF6 fans. There are no guest appearances by anyone other than Mog.
For anyone who has an extremely long name (like Warrayfinson or like me, BlueFoxofWater1569) I've shortened it so to not hurt my fingers too much.
IMPORTANT: Once I get Crisis Core and a PSP, I'll be doing a commentary of it through the PSP (cause apparently you can do that) and putting it on YouTube. At some points, I'll voice over the bloopers. But I'll be sure to let you know when I get it and stuff.
And without further ado, enjoy the final chapter! BTW, this is dedicated to my awesome readers (you all know who you are) and of course to Ion, Armageddon Child, my muses, and all my friends back in LA.
Also, this chapter is entirely dedicated to my friend Rachel, whose mother passed on during the production of this chapter. I hope this makes her smile.
I LOVE YOU ALL!
The Final Chapter
CEL-E-BRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!
Squall was in a bad mood. He absolutely HATED parties. To him, parties were nothing but an excuse to get together with friends, dance, and get drunk off their asses. Not only that, but they annoyed the hell out of him. As far as he was concerned, New Year parties were just an excuse to get drunk and have one-night stands with hookers, and Thanksgiving parties were just an excuse to stuff yourself full of food. Halloween parties were a waste of time (candy's bad for you, anyway), St. Patrick's Day parties had no point whatsoever (he despised leprechauns, with their stupid pots of gold and dinky rainbows), and Valentine's Day parties were of no use to him (hard to feel the love when you are so cold).
But there was one kind party that Squall liked: celebrations. As far as he was concerned, it was only about eating outrageous amounts of food, destroying whatever you were happy had ended, drinking soda, exchanging gifts, staying up late at night waiting for someone other than you to pass out, and generally being thankful for everything that you DID have to go through, instead of everything that you didn't have to go through—how could you not love it?
(Ignore the fact that half of the FF8 cast knew nothing about the real meaning of this party—Squall, Zell, Seifer, and Rinoa had watched/been in a blooper and knew about them, were invited, and drinking Mountain Dew, destroying the discs, and making fools out themselves when they were off screen was all that it was about, so they figured that as long as they did that, they were successfully partying.)
And being the main character of Final Fantasy VIII, he made sure that the other members of the main cast came with him to the party—this included forcing them to decorate the rooms of Balamb (where it was being held), help cook the food for the banquet, making them sit at a decorated table and EAT the food, forcing them to say what they were thankful for after they ate said food (mostly not having bloopers of their own), and then forcing them to mock the LARGE cast of FFVII, among other things.
To be perfectly frank, this party made Squall just a little bit crazy.
Unfortunately for him, and the FF8 and 7 casts as well, that celebration would be just a tad bit different than any other celebration. Maybe there was something in the water… or maybe Fate just felt like being an ass that day. But one thing was certain—all hell was going to break loose.
5:30 AM—Day of Celebration
Eleven drowsy members from FF8 and 7 respectively stood on the Bridge of Balamb Garden, blinking sleepily and looking pretty stupid.
Squall, Rinoa, Zack, and Sephiroth stood before the groups in front of the large windows; Squall was the only one who looked wide awake. His eyes were unusually bright and there was a disturbing grin on his face. Most of the people were used to this grin, however, so they didn't think much of it—except for a certain new person, who was currently late at the moment.
Why? Must you ask? Well, she was out sky diving…without a parachute. Me thinks she might've forgotten it after she jumped, but oh well. Anyway, this Catherine Zitta Jones' look alike's black hair—
Hey! It's supposed to be dark brown!
BlueFox: Actually, I have a cat like that, and he's black unless he's in the sun.
Yeah, but…
BlueFox: You know what? BLACK! DARK BROWN! What's the difference? They're dark colors! DEAL with it, you picky sons of bitches!
Fang: Someone's being nasty today…
ANYWAY! After falling for an extremely long time (don't ask me, my watch doesn't tell time) she managed to land perfectly on this HUGE ARMORED MOTORCYCLE that she probably stole off of Cloud…but maybe not…hey, I'm not her keeper, don't ask me! She then sped off toward the currently not-flying Balamb and smashed through one of the huge windows like Cloud did through the church doors in AC, only different, because someone (I dunno who) started to cry about glass breaking their nail…probably Edea, or whatever her name is…
She blew through the still sleepy people up to the higher level and got off her motorcycle (thoughtfully named Ferdinand) and shouted, "GUITAR!" holding out her hand expectantly.
But nothing happened. There was an awkward silence.
BlueFox, where is her black guitar?
BlueFox: Sorry, but someone else wanted a guitar, and so we had to set hers on fire to accommodate.
What are we going to give her?
BlueFox: Ummm… OH! I know! (runs off and comes back a moment later with Demyx's sitar) He'll never notice it's gone! (tosses it to person with Ferdinand)
Suddenly the lights dimmed and a huge screen dropped down behind her as she began to clap the opening of the song. Behind her, Zack unsheathed the Buster Sword and was ready to fight. (FYI, she's playing SOLDIER Battle, AKA Zack's theme from Crisis Core).
Her hazel eyes shined as she came to the end of the song, walking down the steps (or was she sliding down the rail? Never played FF8, so I don't know what the interior of Mobile Balamb looks like), her floor length leather coat all floaty-like behind her. She finished with the same clapping thing, then bowed, and everyone clapped as she took her rightful place beside Reno.
"Rock on," Warrayfinson greeted the 'higher-ups' doing that sign with the fingers that Gene Simmons (AKA Kiss' lead singer with the long tongue) made. There was a pause as 'Time is the Only Enemy' by Mr. Lightweight came on. Near its end, it did what all good themes do: REPEAT!
Anyway, from the look on her face a second later, you could tell Warray was getting freaked out; or maybe she looked like that because Reno, though all his drowsiness, had just grabbed her ass. She squeaked and jumped away, scandalized. Reno smirked and winked at the blackette, causing the younger girl to turn a fantastic shade of fuchsia.
"W-what the hell do you think you're doing? I don't even know you!" she hissed, glaring as best she could through her embarrassment at the smirking Turk.
"Name's Reno—R-E-N-O. Got it memorized?" the red-headed Turk replied smoothly. Warray stared up at him in disbelief, as BlueFox walked on and smacked him with a paper fan.
"Reno, we all know you love your younger brother to death, BUT DO NOT COPY HIM! Your line is 'yo' not 'got it memorized?' Understand?"
"Yes, yo." Reno sniffled and rubbed his head.
"As you know," Sephiroth began suddenly, causing everyone else to snap their attention to him, "today is the day of our celebration. We have had wonderful laughs and riots for our humiliation before, so I'd like to make this better, since we won't be seeing them any longer."
He paused; the remaining casts' members looked up at him expectantly, blinking the sleep from their eyes. Zack continued for him, grinning.
"Therefore, we came up with a wonderful idea: we're all going to go door-to-door Christmas Karaoking after dinner!"
"WHAT?" shrieked a new female voice, as a 'Little-Red-Riding Hood Gone Horribly Wrong' came in. And by horribly wrong, I mean a Hojo-failed-experiment wrong. She glared around at everyone, before glaring up at the 'higher-ups' the most. "YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT CHAPTER?" (Suddenly, Warray's theme cuts off here, and Redemption came on.)
(It should be noted the a second later, Ferdinand the Motorcycle at the top of the stairs was a pile of saw-maniac goo before she scowled and walked up to the vicinity of Vincent.)
"I'm quite serious," Zack replied coolly, shockingly unfazed by the (slightly) psychotic girl's actions. "We feel that it would help us to get into the spirit—spreading good will and cheer to the public that they never have to pee their pants laughing so hard any longer. And I'm sure that it would also make the children—" he nodded to Warray and BlueFox, "—very happy."
Warray scowled at being called a child.
"But that's just stupid!" ranted Quistis. "It's bad enough we celebrate this stupid thing that half of us FF8 people weren't in—why should we have to go out and sing to a bunch of stupid idiots who are just gonna stand there and stare at people who shouldn't be real? I HATE singing!"
Squall smiled—a small, dangerous, I-will-behead-you-with-a-toothbrush-if-you-annoy-me-further type of smile. Quistis and Lyana Alastar shuddered.
"Like Zack said," the silver-haired General replied, his voice dangerously soft as his fingers itched around Masamune's hilt, "it will help us to spread good will and cheer to the public. Can't you just imagine the smiles on faces of the adults and children when they see you singing songs of their holiday? Wouldn't that be nice? Don't you want to make people happy like us?"
Lyana may have hated everyone but Vincent, but even she knew that it would be dangerous to say no to Sephiroth, especially when he had that edge in his voice. She mumbled an affirmative, lowering her eyes to study her shoes.
Before anything could be said or done, there was a roar as the other window behind the 'higher ups' shattered and half the wall was ripped away as some guy with spikey-yet-bouncy (think Sora) brown hair—
BlueFox, it was black hair.
BlueFox: Black, brown, WHAT THE HELL'S THE DIFFERENCE?
Fix it, unless you want to get flamed.
BlueFox: (pulls out flamethrower) I'll show you flamed, buddy.
…half the wall was ripped away as some guy with spikey-yet-bouncy (think Sora) BLACK hair riding a chain smoking, laser-equipped dragon. It took a puff of one of its cigarettes before blasting Barret away with a laser, which caused him to swear and shoot the roof off Balamb as he went to get cleaned up, and Cid began to swear like a sailor at the 'goddamn assmunch dragon stealing my fucking cool.' But the cool thing was that this person, who was tall for his age, wearing a white shirt and orange pants, began to play a flaming black guitar with his TEETH. (Insert The Meaning of Truth here)
He proceeded to jump off the dragon and threw the flaming guitar across space and time into the Northern Crater's side, which cause a flurry of…donuts? Okay, random, but he wanted it, so…
Anyway, the donuts all rained on him, and he managed to eat 3/4 without them ever hitting the ground. He glared at the rest as they came down, totally ripping Superman off and using his laser vision to destroy the glazed confections. Everyone ran to the window as he landed outside and blew a crater open the size of Manhattan Island and a mile below sea level, though they were luckily nowhere near any ocean, which was good, right? I think…
As he jumped out of this large crater, he did a bunch of Matrix flips (Matrix because they got all slowed down to look cool) and he whipped out a DS and played/utterly annihilated the competition in the 150cc Lightning Cup in Mario Kart DS just before he landed. Once he landed, he shot a Kamehameha directly behind and above him, utterly roasting Genesis and his wing.
This character, known as Rob, was in the almost completely destroyed Mobile Balamb a second later, as Genesis looked horror stricken.
"MY WING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Suddenly, Tifa smelled the air. "Does anyone smell KFC?"
"I hate you all…"
Celebration Chore List
Group One—Rob, Genesis, Aerith, Elybeth, Vincent —Kitchen Duty (First Floor)
Group Two—Lyana, Reno, Li-Bai, Quistis, Warray—Cleaning Duty
Group Three—Cloud, Tifa, Milani, Seifer, Black Samurai—Kitchen Duty (Second Floor)
Group Four—Zell, Irvine, Cid, Leena, Barret, Lena —Decoration Duty
Overseers—Squall, Rinoa, Sephiroth, Zack, BlueFox, Emma
Rinoa smiled down at her list—it was a good list, a fair list. She felt that he had separated the people into proper groups (though half had yet to show up), and was quite sure that they would do their duties to the best of their abilities. And, to avoid confusion, she had made copies, which she now motioned for Zack to pass out.
Zack did so. The other overseers studied the reactions of the others closely, and were pleased—most of them seemed quite happy with the arrangements. Tifa seemed quite happy being in the same group as Cloud—never mind that she was sending death glares at Aerith between her leers at the blonde ex-SOLDIER. Seifer only seemed slightly perturbed by Tifa's actions, as he and Cloud got into a discussion about pointless stuff that I'd rather not mention. Milani had yet to show up, but when Barret had returned from cleaning up, he had brought in with him a black skinned-before any of you ask, it's BROWN too…picky asses…-girl with knives at the ends of her flowing black braids. She wore all black clothes. (Insert Tupac's Ghost here.)
Reno was currently sidling up to Warray… the blackette was one of the few who seemed unhappy with her group, judging by the terrified look on her face, but Rinoa was sure that would change. A small silence fell as the violin opening of 'March of the Lions' from 'Carnival of the Animals' by Camille Saint Saens began to play from above. From the destroyed roof jumped down a girl by the name of Li-Bai Opus 3 No. 2 (who is NOT a robot…I think). People clapped as the professional 'March of the Lions' began. Moments later, Quistis was attempting to draw Li-Bai into conversation, but the brunette—
Erm, BlueFox?
BlueFox: WHAT?!
Erm…Li-Bai told you she changed her hair to black.
BlueFox: (face go really red) ARRGH! Okay, okay, calm breaths. Next time I do something like this, I am so making them ALL have blonde hair.
Moments later, Quistis was attempting to draw Li-Bai into conversation, but the blackette was too busy staring at Reno like he was a huge, juicy steak, and she a hungry lioness. But whenever he sent a look her way from leering at Warray, she would attempt to duck behind either Quistis or Lyana.
The rest of the casts didn't seem to really care, other than Genesis glaring at Rob. Rinoa smiled—yes, she had certainly done a good job of separating them into groups.
"I think that this party will be really successful, don't you, Rinoa?" Squall asked her.
"Of course, Squall," gushed Rinoa, fluttering her eyelashes ridiculously (God, she's as bad as Tifa…). Oh, how sexy Squall was when he ordered people around! How strong! How persuasive! How tactful!
Squall frowned. "What's wrong with your eyes? Did you get sand in them or something?"
Rinoa flushed. "N-no Squall… just… allergies…"
6:00 AM—Same Morning
Group One—Rob, Genesis, Aerith, Elybeth, Vincent —Kitchen Duty (First Floor)
Because the banquet Squall wanted prepared was so huge, he had split the kitchen duty into two groups—one group on the first floor kitchen, the other on the second floor kitchen. And because of the five in the first group, he had wisely decided to give them the easier task of preparing the deserts—cakes and cranberry sauce and pies and puddings and all that good stuff.
Don't forget the donuts!
BlueFox: Quiet, you!
Unfortunately, it slipped his mind that Rob, Genesis, and Vincent were the absolute worst cooks out of the ENTIRE Final Fantasy series casts. Aerith couldn't concentrate, mainly due to a Mini-Her following her around: Elybeth.
At first, she seemed like a sweet 14 year-old, but upon walking in and seeing Aerith, the little brown-eyed Aerith began to cry and hugged the bigger Aerith tightly. "Thank the heavens you're alive!" she cried. That's when everything went wrong.
You see, little Elybeth was an extreme fangirl of Aerith, so she just so happened to copy everything Aerith did. This will not end well.
"Where's that stupid recipe book?" Elybeth shouted, banging pots and pans onto the counter.
"I have it," Genesis sighed, waving it in the air for her to see.
"Well, hand it over then!" she snapped. Genesis did so.
"Now what the hell are we supposed to cook…?" Elybeth muttered, thumbing through the pages.
"We should make some pie," Rob said, watching Vincent opening up the bag of flour and sniffing it suspiciously. He was unusually paranoid that day—we personally believe it had something to do with Lyana. Go figure.
"What?" Genesis asked, his nose scrunching as if he just smelled something bad. "Hell no! Pie sucks! We'll make cake."
"Cake is crap! We're making pie!" snapped Rob.
"Cake!"
"Pie!"
"Cake!"
"Pie!"
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE, DAMMIT!"
Suddenly, both men turned to Elybeth. They both smiled, their features pleasant; Elybeth gulped.
"Elybeth," Rob said, his voice smooth and velvety, causing the young Aerith to shudder, "you're a smart girl—don't you think we should make some delicious pie instead of nasty, fattening cake? You like pie, don't you?"
"Of course she doesn't," Genesis said quickly before Elybeth could answer. "Pie is filled with nothing but disgusting preservatives and nasty, crusty bread. It cannot possibly compare to the wonderful moistness of a well-prepared cake. Don't you agree, Elybeth?" His voice became dangerously soft at the last bit.
Elybeth broke out into sweat. Oh, such tough, tough choices. Either way, it was a lose-lose situation.
She bit her lip and looked down at her feet; why did Aerith's life have to be such a bitch…?
6:10 AM—Same Morning
Group Two—Lyana, Reno, Li-Bai, Quistis, Warray—Cleaning Duty
It was days like this that Li-Bai hated her life more than she usually did. Wasn't playing the violin enough torture?
BlueFox: I have nothing against violin players, seeing as I'm one myself. But practicing it is torture, especially Pomp and Circumstance. That made my arm HURT.
But no, Fate had to go and make her life even more difficult by pairing her up with an obsessed Turk who couldn't seem to keep his hands off inappropriate parts of the sitarist who obviously showed no interest in him-other than fear, a Little Red Riding Hood girl who hated everyone, and Quistis, who was just a bitch 24/7/365. Said sitarist seemed to be doing her damned hardest to beat Reno off of her, but to no success.
"What the heck are you doing, you sicko? Stop that—stop grabbing me!"
"But you've got something on your pants, just let me get it off—"
"STOP GRABBING ME YOU FUCKING PERV!"
Li-Bai sighed, and wisely decided to intervene before the situation got out of hand. "Um, shouldn't we start cleaning now? If one of the overseers find us like this…"
That got their attention. Reno reluctantly let go of Warray, who hastily darted around Lyana, getting a death glare in return.
"Right…" Warray said, still eyeing the leering Turk warily. "Where should we start?"
"Well," Li-Bai began thoughtfully. "I suppose we'd better start in the dining room—the only time we ever use it is for stuff like this, so it must be really filthy."
The others agreed, and the five of them made their way to the dining room. As they passed by the First Floor Kitchen, they heard a very interesting conversation:
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE, YOU PANSY!"
"PIE, YOU EGOTISTICAL HAIRY APE!"
Lyana, Warray, and Li-Bai's steps faltered as they stared at the door in bewilderment.
"Just keep walking, yo," Reno sighed, putting an arm around Li-Bai and Warray, ushering them along. Li-Bai turned a bright scarlet red as Lyana rushed to catch up with Quistis. Unfortunately for Warray, one of his arms strayed a bit too far downward…
"STOP GRABBING MY ASS, DAMMIT!"
"Whoops, would ya look at that? Bad hand! Stop grabbing Warray's incredibly cute ass!"
"THIS IS SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!"
Li-Bai sighed, and quickened her pace towards the pair of girls in front of her.
"Here it is," Lyana said when they reached the door. A cart full of cleaning supplies—the kind you see janitors with—was parked conveniently by it. Reno grabbed it and pushed it towards the door while Quistis opened the door, which proved to be a difficult task, as the hinges were quite rusty and seemed reluctant to move.
When the door finally did open, the group peered into the room. It was pitch black; they couldn't see a thing.
"Geez, where's the light switch?" Reno grumbled, reaching a cautious arm in to feel around for a switch.
"It's on the other side of the room," Quistis reminded him with a sigh.
"Who the hell puts a light switch on the other side of the room?" Reno grumbled, wincing as he peered into the black room. "Damn… well, c'mon then, no use standing around…"
They went in, with Li-Bai keeping close to Reno, and Warray keeping close to Lyana and Quistis all by her lonesome—the darkness was just a bit scary. Then Li-Bai let out a sudden, frantic squeal.
"Eek! Something furry just touched my leg!"
"Probably a rat, yo," Reno replied mindlessly—he had his arms out in front of him to avoid crashing into anything, and wasn't really paying to what was being said.
"Gross…" Warray shuddered as she reached out and touched Li-Bai's shoulder in what she hoped was a comforting way. Li-Bai smiled at her, though that was a pretty useless thing for her to do, since it was too dark to see her face. Then Warray suddenly gave a startled jump.
"RENO! GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT!"
"Oh, was that what it was, yo?" the Turk asked innocently. "I thought it was something else…"
Warray grumbled in frustration, glaring daggers in the direction she imagined Reno to be in. Li-Bai put her hand on her friend's arm this time in an attempt to calm her down, and it sort of worked. Warray didn't think about killing Reno anymore—just maiming him.
Reno was grinning to himself, quite sure that he was going to make it to the light switch without injury. Unfortunately for him, some furniture isn't quite high enough for your arms and hands to hit it.
Smack!
The southern end of Reno—the part that came with what the Turk had affectionately nicknamed Junior—came in contact with the very sharp, very hard, and very pointy end of the dining room table.
"FUCK! GODDAMMIT!" Reno howled in pain, doubling over and clutching himself.
"What? What happened?" Li-Bai asked, now extremely nervous. There was a flash of steel as Lyana brought out her saw and Warray looked around blindly.
"Junior—table—PAIN!" he hissed, unable to form a complete sentence.
"Junior?" Li-Bai repeated, mystified—she had no idea what the Turk was talking about.
Suddenly, the room exploded in light—Quistis had found the light switch.
"Found it," the blonde said with a small smile, obviously quite proud of herself for keeping her cool. Li-Bai and Warray sighed in relief, Lyana put her saw away, and Reno groaned in pain as he stood up. Then the five of them got a good, clear look at the room.
Filthy did not even begin to describe it. Every single piece of furniture in the room was coated with at least three layers of dust. Cobwebs were everywhere. Rats were scurrying back into their holes, squeaking furiously at the sudden light. Carcass remains of dead rodents and bug remains littered the floor. Remains of a banquet from say, when Ellone was a little girl was still on the table. And it seemed that the rats had built a thriving metropolis underneath the dining table. They drew back with a collected gasp, horrified.
"This is the most unsanitary thing I've ever seen," Lyana said in disgust.
"It's terrifying—and yet, I can't seem to look away," Li-Bai murmured, gripping Warray's arm.
"Yo," Reno whispered in awe. "I think the rug just moved." Unbeknownst to the younger teens, Reno had wisely decided to take advantage of their shock.
"RENO!" Warray wailed, completely mortified. She was the past the point of being angry—anger seemed to do nothing but encourage the Turk.
"Sorry, yo," Reno said innocently. "My hand just can't seem to keep to itself!"
Li-Bai sighed for the umpteenth time that day. "Let's just start cleaning, okay guys?" she asked timidly. Warray grumbled an agreement while Reno smirked triumphantly. Quistis and Lyana silently began.
7:00 AM—Same Morning
Group Three—Cloud, Tifa, Milani, Seifer, Black Samurai—Kitchen Duty (Second Floor)
Cloud whistled a happy tune as he pulled pots and pans out of the cabinets. The blond ex-SOLDIER loved to cook—it was one of his many favorite activities. That was why he was so happy when he found out that he had Kitchen Duty—being paired with two of his friends was an added bonus. Tifa, Aerith, Zack, Squall, Zidane, Vivi, Eiko, and Seifer were the only few who were friendly to him (well, being friendly was pushing it a bit when it came to Squall—courteous would be a better word).
"Alright!" he said, turning to the others. "You guys ready to start cooking?"
"Mmmmmmm-AHHHHHHHHHH!" Tifa agreed, before screaming, upon opening the fridge. Out tumbled a nineteen year old with red hair and green eyes that opened blearily as she stood.
"I was having a nice nap you know," she grumbled.
Seifer grunted, folding his arms and closing his eyes as he leaned against the wall—he didn't completely close his eyes, however, so he could admire how cute Black Samurai looked in the black 'Kiss the Cook' apron (with a broken heart drawn in on the bottom with red Marks-A-Lot marker). Tifa shot Cloud her trademark smile, having completely forgotten about Milani laying at her feet.
"Ready when you are, Cloudy!" she said, winking.
The blond grinned and opened up the cookbook he'd found, flipping through the pages. "We need to start with the turkey first," he said as he studied the directions. "It takes over a few hours to cook, but we can cook everything else while it's in the oven… Do you think you could wash it, Seifer?"
The other blond man blinked; he'd been so absorbed in admiring Black Samurai's derrière that he had not heard a word of what was said.
"Er—what was that?" he asked, keeping his tone cool.
"Could you wash the turkey?" Cloud repeated.
Seifer blinked. "…Yes, alright then."
"Black Samurai, would you show him for me?"
"Alright. Get the fuck over here," Black Samurai said, leading the scarred blond man over to the sink, unaware that the simple touch of her hand on the other's arm was making the other hornier than he already was. "Here's the damn bird—" she handed over the plucked bird "—now all you gotta do is hold it under the faucet while the water's running. Make sure every bit of the turkey is washed! Who knows what sort of damn germs are lurking on it…" As she continued her vulgar explanation, Cloud turned to Tifa, who quickly averted her eye from the blond's butt.
"Do you know how to make stuffing?" he asked.
Tifa shook her head. "Nope. I've only ever made hard drinks."
"Well, don't worry about it!" Milani jumped up, smiling brightly. As she smiled, both Tifa and Cloud noticed that it seemed her eyes were glowing with insanity. They inwardly shuddered. "All you gotta do is follow directions—"
"Goddamn… Cloud?" Black Samurai said suddenly. "I'm not sure if he's even understanding what I'm telling him. Bastard. Could you come and see?"
"Be right back," the blond said before walking over to the other pair on the team, leaving a scowling Tifa behind as Milani brightly began to show her how to make stuffing. "No, you need to move the turkey around. Here lemme show you—"
The blond then put his arms around the younger blond to help direct the other of how to correctly move the turkey to ensure that it would become clean—his intentions perfectly innocent. He did not realize that Black Samurai was smirking over her shoulder at Tifa, who was looking positively murderous and smashing the bread for the stuffing into goo.
In fact, the blond ex-SOLDIER was not aware at all that he was the object of affection for Tifa and Black Samurai, and that the two were quite close to ripping each other's throats out over him.
Then again, 'Oblivious' should have been Cloud's middle name.
7:30 AM—Same Morning
Group Four— Zell, Irvine, Cid, Leena, Barret, Lena—Decoration Duty
Irvine was getting a headache. One of the girls in his group, Lena, had turned on something called 'Play the Game' by Motörhead.
You see, the music went back and forth from that to something called RAW (it should be noted that it was a radio broadcast of the match, but none of them knew what wrestling was, so…) to something called Escapist by Nightwish.
Leena and Lena. Leena was currently swinging from the chandelier above them, lights dancing all across the room, light brown hair flying all around her and aqua eyes bright with mirth while Lena just sat there with a bored look on her face, fiddling with her braids, sometimes watching the light dance off her dark skin.
Meanwhile, Zell was miserable. Though he didn't have a headache like Irvine, he thought he had been given a very embarrassing job.
Zell was a man—he was a very manly man, thank you very much, and he liked to do manly things. He liked to hunt. He loved hot dogs. He liked to watch football… he liked to arm wrestle… and he loved to play card games. Especially Triple Triad—he was the best damn Triple Triad player you'd ever meet! And did I mention he was manly? He was very manly indeed—he was the manliest man ever, he was sure!
Which was why he just couldn't understand how he was given… Decoration Duty.
"I demand a recount," he said aloud, his voice full of his irritation. The other members of his group—Lena, Leena, Irvine, Cid, and Barret—said nothing. Barret was busy polishing his Missing Score, Irvine was too busy rubbing his temples, Leena was too busy swinging on the chandelier, Lena was busy sulking, and Cid was very obviously thinking along the lines of 'when I get my hands around those sick bastards, imma fucking wring their necks and laugh until shit comes outta my ass.' How do I know? He was saying it under his breath.
It didn't help that this entire group knew absolutely NOTHING about making ANY kind of decorations. There they were, sitting at a table, surrounded by cloths and lacy things and super glue and ribbons and feathers and popsickle sticks and pine cones and construction paper and all sorts of other arts-and-crafts supplies all, and they had no clue of what to do.
Finally, Barret picked up a popsickle stick, studied it for a bit, then sighed and said. "Well, we're fucking screwed. What the hell are we supposed to make, anyway?"
"A snowman?" Cid suggested, looking down his nose at some lacy material with a look of pure disgust.
Zell figured that sounded about right. "Okay… that's a start," he said hesitantly. He scooped up a handful of cotton balls, picked up a popsickle stick, and studied the materials. Then he set the popsickle stick on the table, grabbed the glue bottle, and attempted to glue the cotton balls to the popsickle stick.
"What are you doing?" Lena asked curiously.
"I'm making a snowman," Zell muttered, struggling to arrange the cotton balls into what he hoped resembled the body of a snowman.
Irvine studied Zell's creation for a moment, before speaking. "That is not a snowman," he said. "That is what can only be classified as a pure mess."
Zell looked up and scowled. "I'd like to see you do any better," he snapped. Irvine said nothing, but glared at the blond. The two friends fell into a glaring contest. Lena, to keep herself occupied—she despised being idle, you know—began to play with the materials. She picked up a piece of lace, studied it for a bit, then placed it on her head. She turned around to look at her reflection in the mirror behind her. She smiled—she looked kinda pretty.
She turned around, a pleasant feeling humming through her—only to find that the four men were staring at her as if she had just grown a second head.
"…What?" she asked defensively.
They just shook their heads and turned away. With a sigh, she took it off her head and crossed her arms.
The five ones sitting in the chairs were spared further awkwardness amongst themselves when Squall strode in, followed closely by Rinoa, who was seemly fixated with Squall's ass.
"Why are you three not working?" he asked quietly; his voice had an edge. The five people grounded exchanged nervous looks.
"Well, er… we don't know what to do," Lena confessed.
"Oh?" Squall said, raising one brown eyebrow.
"I made this," Zell said brightly, holding up his 'snowman'; most of the cotton balls fell off. The fighter slumped in his seat sadly.
Squall stared at the popsickle for a few moments, then, realizing how desperate the situation was, turned to Rinoa. "Help them," he ordered.
"What?" Rinoa asked, startled.
Squall sighed impatiently. "You watch Martha Stewart all the time right?" Rinoa nodded. "Then you should know how to make decent party decorations. These five—" he gestured to the five at the table "—obviously don't."
"B-b-b-but—" Rinoa stuttered; to help them meant that she wouldn't be able to ogle Squall! Oh, the humanity!
"Go on and help them," Squall ordered. "All you need to do is show them how to make… whatever it is that you know how to make, and then report back. We still need to check on the other groups."
Rinoa sighed in defeat. "Yes, Squall…" she sighed, casting a sad look at his retreating ass as Squall walked away. There was a creak from above and everyone looked up as the chandelier came crashing down, Leena underneath it and the passing by Sephiroth underneath her.
"I AM NOT OKAY!" Leena yelled as the other overseers sans Rinoa came over and began clearing the debris and heal Leena, completely ignoring Sephiroth. A few moments later, Leena had regularly joined the group.
Rinoa sighed, and turned to their group. "Alright, then, get over here…"
Zell was amazed at the number of things you could make with a piece of black pipe cleaner, black construction paper, some cotton balls, a popsickle stick, and a hot glue gun. Within seconds, Rinoa showed the six people how to make a snowman—and it wasn't just a bunch of cotton balls glued to a popsickle stick either, like Zell's snowman, but it actually looked like a snowman. Then she showed them how to make decorations of all kind.
"No, no, no," Rinoa sighed as she surveyed Irvine's attempt to make a little fake shuriken from silver cloth, two popsickle sticks, and a piece of yellow yarn. "You've got the cloth all crooked—it's supposed to be like this…" Irvine scowled as Rinoa hastily corrected the mess while the other people in the group snickered.
Rinoa sighed at Irvine's utter incompetence; it was gonna be a loooong day.
9:42 AM—Same Morning
Group One
Let's return to Rob, Genesis, Aerith, Elybeth, and Vincent—
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
"CAKE!"
"PIE!"
…As you can see, not much has changed.
Over in the corner, Elybeth and Aerith were having a little conversation themselves as Vincent watched the long argument with slight amusement.
"Aerith, I'm going to be just like you!" Elybeth declared, smiling.
Aerith giggled a little. "Well, okay. If you want to be impaled instead of me, go right ahead."
But Elybeth shook her head. "No no no no! I'd rather not take your place! It would be too much for Zack to handle when you didn't go to him!" She had this defiant look in her eyes that told Aerith not to argue or there would be hell to pay.
"Okay…"
"Aerith, I love you! Aerith, you're my big sister now!"
"Um…okay?" Aerith agreed. She wasn't used to this kind of stuff. Man, and I thought it was bad with Yuna…
/
"Aerith! I love you!" Yuna hugged her big sister. "You're so pretty…why did Sephiroth kill you?"
/
"She's my sister!" Aerith cried, pulling Yuna toward her, utterly defensive.
"I love her!" Genesis yelled, yanking back.
"That popping sound…yeah, that's my shoulders." Yuna sounded pained.
"Hand her over!" Aerith gave a hard tug.
"NO!"
/
"Aerith, can I have a flower to remember you by?" Elybeth asked.
"Oh…um…maybe later."
"You know Elybeth, you never answered our question."
Elybeth let out a high-pitched squeak at the sound of Rob's voice. She stared at the two boys with wide, frightened eyes as Rob flicked an imaginary speck of dust off his shoulder. "W-what?"
"You didn't answer our question," Genesis hissed scarily; his eyes were narrowed into almost slits. "Which do you think we should make? Wonderful, delicious cake—"
"—or tasty, delectable pie?" Rob finished for the other while they exchanged death glares.
Elybeth seemed ready to cry, before she remembered what she was supposed to do next, seeing as she's trying to be Aerith and all.
"HOW DARE YOU!"
The two males blinked at the mini Aerith, stunned. Elybeth stood before them, legs spread out sturdily, hands balled into fists on either side of her, and a murderous look on her face. Rob and Genesis did the only thing there was left to do—they cowered.
And do you know why? I'll tell you: BECAUSE THIS IS THE PART WHERE ELYBETH COMPLETELY SNAPS LIKE AERITH.
"HOW DARE YOU PUT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON ME? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH? THE LINING OF MY UTERUS IS GUSHING OUT OF MY VAGINA! THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! MY TITS ARE SORE! I'M RIDING ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER! AND ALL YOU TWO IDIOTS CARE ABOUT IS YOUR STUPID PIE AND CAKE!"
The two guys whimpered in fear as Aerith bowed her head and Vincent smirked.
"I'M CRAMPING AND I ACHE IN PLACES THAT I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED! MY SKIN IS BREAKING OUT IN PATCHES! I'M TEN TIMES HORNIER THAN USUAL AND I WANT SOME CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT!"
The enraged mini-Aerith stood over the two men (who were now lying on the floor, huddling together in terror), breathing heavily, flushed an angry red hue. She was also sniffing heavily while desperately trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. Aerith didn't cry-she wouldn't either!
"Um, Elybeth?" Aerith spoke somewhat timidly, terrified that if she said the wrong thing, she would set her shadow off again (now she knows how Zack felt with Cloud). "How about… how about we just make both cake and pie? And maybe make you some chocolate brownies…? Would you like that?"
Elybeth sniffled and looked at her idol with watery eyes and the anger slowly drained out of her body. "R-really? You mean it? Brownies?" She looked extremely hopeful.
"Of course," Aerith said quickly, plastering a soothing smile onto her face. "Double fudge brownies with chocolate chips! And chocolate cake too!" Seems she had a really good memory of her Caught! moment.
Elybeth sniffed again and ran to and hugged Aerith. "OKAY!"
10:45 AM—Late the Same Morning
Group Two
I wonder how Warray and her group are doing—
"OH MY GOD! IT MOVED! IT'S STILL ALIVE!" (Warray)
"KILL IT! KILL IT!" (Li-Bai)
"EEEEEK! I JUST TOUCHED IT!" (Warray)
Thunk (Lyana, attacking it)
"ARGH! GET IT OFF! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!" (Warray)
"HOLD STILL DAMMIT! I CAN'T SMACK IT IF YOU DON'T HOLD STILL!" (Quistis)
"OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN IT JUST BIT HER! IT'S—IT'S DRINKING HER BLOOD!" (Li-Bai)
"SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS, GET IT OFF! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!" (Warray)
"HANG ON WARRAY! HANG IN THERE LITTLE FRIEND—" (Reno)
"DAMMIT, RENO, THIS IS NO TIME TO GRAB MY ASS—GET THIS ABOMINATION OFF OF ME! IT'S SUCKING MY BLOOD! I CAN SEE MY LIFE FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES!" (Warray)
"OKAY HOLD STILL—" (Quistis)
SMACK!
"OW GODDAMMIT!" (Warray)
"I TOLD YOU TO HOLD STILL! AT LEAST IT'S OFF NOW—" (Quistis)
"EEEEEEEEEEEWWW! IT'S HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS ME!" (Li-Bai)
"I GOT IT—" (Lyana)
"NO YOU DON'T, YOU'LL JUST HIT HER INSTEAD!" (Reno)
"SQUISH IT! SQUISHITSQUISHITSQUISHITSQUISHIT—" (Li-Bai)
…Okay then…
11:30 AM—Late Same Morning
Group Three
Sephiroth and Emma stared at the kitchen in silence, too shocked to say anything.
The second floor kitchen was… empty. Cloud, Tifa, Milani, Seifer, and Black Samurai were no where in sight. Stranger than that, there were signs that some sort of terrific struggle had taken place—flour was spattered everywhere, pots and pans were strewn all over the floor, and Black Samurai's 'Kiss the Cook' apron lay, torn violently into shreds over in the corner. SOLDIER booted footprints looked aimed for the window and what appeared to be Tifa's footprints following. It was quite a scary sight to behold.
"…Where are they?" Emma finally said when she managed to get her voice back. Sephiroth just shook his head in bewilderment.
Meanwhile…
Cloud wanted to cry. He wanted to throw himself to the ground and bawl like a little baby, kicking and screaming. But he couldn't do that, because if he did, he would surely attract the attention of Tifa and Black Samurai, who were currently prowling a mere five and a half feet away from his hiding place. They were hunting—for him.
The blonde ex-SOLDIER suppressed a whimper. He wasn't sure how it had happened. One minute, everything was fine—unless you counted the fact that Black Samurai and Tifa kept throwing knives at each other, but they insisted that they were just practicing! And then the next thing he knew, he was the rope in a literal game of tug-o'-war! Literally! And Tifa was trying to tear his clothes off!
Poor Cloud. He hadn't known what to do. So he did what seemed to be the most logical—he broke free of both of them and high-tailed it out of there, as fast as his legs could take him.
However, he did not plan on the two women giving chase. Nor did he plan on them bringing Milani and Seifer with them. Luckily, Milani and Seifer got bored and went off somewhere else, maybe to help a different group.
So somehow during the chase, he had ended up there in the rosebushes, pleading to some invisible holy spirit to rescue him from this awkward position as he slowly lost the feeling in his legs from the freezing cold. To make matters worse, Black Samurai and Tifa had decided to settle their differences temporarily, and joined forces to help each other find the blond. And then he suddenly remembered one other thing that he had forgotten—Black Samurai was a very good hunter.
"He's here."
Cloud repressed the urge to scream—but just barely.
"Where is he?"
"In the bushes."
Crap.
Faster than he could blink, he was only too aware that his two stalkers were standing above him, peering down at him through the leaves.
"Hello, Cloud," Black Samurai said pleasantly, a disturbing gleam in her eye. "Lovely weather today, isn't it?" (She did not seem to realize that it was raining heavily… but whatever.)
Cloud burst into tears.
12:00 PM—Day of Celebration Midday
Group Four
Zell sighed and stretched.
Well, they were finished. They were finally finished. The entire table was littered with fake materia and weapon symbols and armor and streamers and dolls and all other sorts of FFVII icons, all made from various materials that you can find in your own house. And while the decorations were not quite as neat as the ones Rinoa had created, you could at least tell what they were supposed to be… sorta.
"Well, now what?" Irvine sighed, massaging his temples. You could barely tell what any of his decorations were supposed to be—he was obviously not very artistic in the least.
"The tree," Lena said, peering down at the list Rinoa had left them. The others groaned.
"I'll go get Zack's Buster…" Zell sighed, standing up and trudging out of the room sadly.
"I'll get the first aid kit," Leena grumbled, also leaving, with Lena. Barret and Cid grumbled something in sailor language and left, leaving Irvine alone.
"…I'll just wait here then," he said, fidgeting in his seat.
1:42 PM—Afternoon
Group One
BlueFox: Oh God, you're gonna kill me for this one.
Vincent blinked. The second floor kitchen was an absolute mess—Cloud, Tifa, Black Samurai, Milani, and Seifer were nowhere in sight. He had come to borrow a cup of sugar… and instead found a scene of complete chaos. He scratched the back of his head and blinked; he wasn't quite sure what to do.
And then he spotted the turkey lying innocently in the sink. And he suddenly got a very disturbing idea—one that for all its nastiness, he desperately wanted to fulfill. But no! He couldn't! That was just wrong, and so gross!
And yet… the cleaned turkey reminded him of somebody… a certain little, skinny, black haired ninja…
And against his will, he felt his feet taking him towards the turkey.
Meanwhile…
Aerith walked up the stairs, albeit a little angrily. Milani had come in on them, requesting help from Elybeth about a 'CloTif' moment and Elybeth was gone in an instant. Not only that, but what the hell was taking Vincent so long? He only needed to borrow a cup of sugar! Honestly, how long did it take for a person to borrow a measly cup of sugar?
As she drew nearer to the second floor's kitchen door, Aerith began to hear strange noises… pained noises… grunting noises… strange pained grunting noises to be exact.
That sounds like Vincent! she thought to herself. It sounds like he's hurt! I bet it was Seifer—that bastard, he knows Yuffie's the only one who can hurt Vincent! That son of a bitch! The flower girl quickened her pace, anger radiating from her body. I can't wait to see how Vincent will repay me for helping him… she thought, a smirk spreading across her face.
But unfortunately for Aerith, she was in for a rather nasty surprise.
She slammed the kitchen door open with an almighty bang, shrieking, "Don't worry Vincent, I'm here…!" And then she saw Vincent, completely uninjured…
And then she saw what he was doing to the turkey.
And she screamed.
Meanwhile (again)…
"OH MY GOD!"
Rob looked up from the brownie mix he was stirring and frowned. That sounded like Aerith. And she sounded completely freaked out.
And then he heard Vincent's voice.
"A-AERITH! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK—"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THE TURKEY, YOU DEMENTED FREAK?"
Rob and Genesis' eyes widened considerably as they glanced at each other. No… Vincent couldn't possibly… He wasn't sick… was he?
"I… I WAS JUST CLEANING IT OUT!"
"CLEANING IT OUT? HOW THE HELL IS THAT CLEANING IT OUT? LOOKS MORE LIKE YOUR STUFFING IT WITH SOMETHING THAT ISN'T MEANT TO BE STUFFED INTO IT!"
Holy mother of all that is holy. Vincent DID do that… Rob grimaced as Genesis went to the sink and began to calmly retch.
Calmly retch? How the hell do you do that?
Fang: I don't know…
Well, neither of them were certainly going to be having any turkey for dinner that night…
"JUST CALM DOWN AND LET ME EXPLAIN!"
"GET THAT THING OUT OF THERE! GET IT OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO EAT THAT TONIGHT!"
"I CAN'T! IT'S STUCK!"
"WHAT?"
Rob's eye twitched unpleasantly as he got a rather disturbing image. He felt his sanity steadily drifting away…
But that wasn't the worst of things. Because standing outside of Balamb was Angeal. Upon hearing that little argument, Angeal's sanity was the one that snapped. And this is when all hell breaks completely loose.
2:00 PM—Same Afternoon
Group Two
Let's join back with Warray and co…
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
To say that the five members of the group were exhausted was an understatement. To say that they were struck speechless was an understatement too. Not only had they heard the entire scream-conversation that had took place just minutes before, but during their cleaning spree they had also found a bunch of disturbing content that somebody had obviously tried to hide for safe keeping behind a (dead) potted plant.
There were pictures. Lots of pictures… of an extremely naked Squall, clutching what appeared to be some sort of stuffed moomba. There was also a bag of condoms, with the words 'JUST IN CASE' written across in bold black letters. And a lot of graphic love poems, describing various things the poet wanted to do to Squall, which included the use of silly string, a croquet mallet, a hammer, a carrot, some cool whip, and a porcupine—all to be used in various sexual situations. You do NOT want me to explain. Just use your imagination.
It was quite obvious that the trio had stumbled across Rinoa's special stash of Squall-obsessed memorabilia.
It was Reno who finally broke the silence.
"This never happened, yo," he said, his voice shaky. "We did not find any of these… these things. We did not hear any of that." He gestured in the direction of the kitchen, where the screaming match had come from. "Got it memorized?"
The four younger teens were still unable to speak, so they merely nodded in agreement.
2:45 PM—Same Afternoon
Group Three
Cloud had never been so horrified in his entire life. There he was, bound and gagged to a tree, while his two stalkers plotted his fate on either side of him—all the while touching him in ways he never thought he'd be touched. No… not like THAT you sick perverts. I mean like… oh, just read.
"How about this," Tifa began, lightly tracing Cloud's calf with one hand, causing the blond to squirm. "I get a hold of him for one hour, and then when I'm done, you get a hold of him for the next hour. Fair trade."
Black Samurai scowled as she raked her fingers through the blond's spikey locks. "I've got a better idea—how about we split him down the middle? I get the bottom, you get the top. We trade off after every hour. What do you say?" (Cloud squawked in protest at this, but neither woman paid him any attention.)
Tifa frowned. "I like my plan better."
"Well, that's just too bad, because we're using my plan."
"What? No! We're using mine!"
"No, mine!"
"I've got a better idea—how about we just call the whole agreement off, and I take Cloud here away for my own enjoyment?"
"I don't think so, bitch! If anyone's going to fuck him, it's me!"
"No way! I claimed first dibs!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
Cloud whimpered pathetically.
3:00 PM—Same Afternoon
With Genesis…
We all remembered what happened when Genesis got ahold of the leaf blower, right? Well, it seems the dryer has come back for a second round. How Genesis got out of the kitchen, nobody knows.
We now find Genesis back in the laundry room, standing in front of the dryer once again. A disturbing grin was stretched across his face as he giggled to himself.
Oh dear lord in heaven…
"We meet again," he whispered to the dryer.
"So it would seem…" said the dryer.
"I've waited my whole life for this day," Genesis continued, tightening his hold on the leaf blower. "I could hardly wait for the day that you and I would meet like this… here! For our final showdown!"
"I should have gone ahead and killed you the last time," the dryer replied menacingly. "Prepare to face my wrath, puny mortal!"
That's right. The dryer was STILL his mortal enemy…to him.
Cackling insanely, Genesis aimed his mighty leaf blower at the dryer and turned it on to full power.
The dryer gave a loud groan as the force of the leaf blower began to crush it against the wall.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Genesis cackled. He was so busy cackling that he did not hear the door bang open.
"GENESIS! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ATTACKING THE DRYER AGAIN?"
The magenta-clad awesome dude looked; Emma stood in the doorway, staring at him in the dryer with a look of bewilderment on her face.
Calmly, Genesis (confident that his attack had significantly weakened his foe AGAIN) turned the leaf blower off and turned to the overseer. "Hello Emma. How can I help you?"
"W-what are you doing? Why the hell are you destroying the dryer?" Emma all but wailed. This day was turning out to be extremely stressful.
"Because," Genesis replied, "it's still trying to kill us all."
She blinked at him.
"Haven't you noticed? It hisses softly at me whenever I walk by. It tied to lure Cloud into it by hiding one of his socks before. It immediately stops whispering to the washer whenever one of us comes into the room—the dryer sheets are laced with cyanide instead of fabric softener!"
Emma pinched the bridge of her nose.
"…How do you know the dryer sheets were laced with cyanide?" she asked finally.
"The dryer told me."
"…It told you?"
"Yes."
"You mean it actually spoke to you?"
Genesis sighed impatiently, rolling his eyes. "Yes! In fact, it's speaking right now—it just insulted my mother!"
Emma looked at the dryer; it sat in the corner, partially destroyed, emitting nothing but sparks and smoke, completely mute. "We don't know who or where your mother is right now…or if you even have one, so…"
"SHUT UP!" Genesis shrieked, now glaring daggers at the dryer. "It's brain washing you! Can't you see? It's trying to turn you into his mindless little slave!"
"Bwahahahahahahaha!" cackled the dryer. "Admit defeat, insignificant mortal—nobody can defeat me! I AM INVINCIBLE!"
"NEVER!" Genesis shrieked, and proceeded to turn the leaf blower back on to full power. "FACE MY WRATH! SUPER MAGENTA CYCLONE ATTACK 2.0!"
"NO!" shrieked the dryer. "NOT THAT! NOT THE SUPER MAGENTA CYCLONE ATTACK 2.0!"
And then quite suddenly, the dryer exploded, sending dryer lint and fluff everywhere.
"TAKE THIS! SELF-DESTRUCT ATTACK OF DOOM 9000!"
"ARGH!! NOOOOOO! IT'S SUFFOCATING ME! IT'S SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!" Genesis shrieked, falling to his knees as he was buried under tons o' dryer lint.
Emma made a hasty exit.
3:25 PM—Same Afternoon
Group Four
"This one looks good!" Barret shouted to his companions, looking up at the rather nice looking big tree he had found. The group was in Trabia's Chocobo Forest—what better place to look for a proper tree than in a place that grew large ones all the time?
"Yeah," said Irvine, craning his head up to look at it. "The tops a bit too long, but we can just trim it when we get back. Zell…"
Zell tromped over, Buster slung over his shoulder. He didn't look very happy.
"Er, guys, are you sure this is okay? I don't think we're supposed to be here…"
"Don't be a dipshit," Cid scoffed. "It's a free country—we can come and go as we please!"
"Not according to the 'No Trespassing' signs, we can't," Leena shot back, jerking her thumb over to one of the signs that was attached to the chain fence.
Irvine blinked at her. "And we care about what the sign says… why?"
"Because we're in Trabia!" Lena snapped, irritated. "All these trees belong to the Trabians! We should at least ask permission! If we don't and Selphie finds out, she might get angry! I don't want to be at the receiving end of her nunchaku or that 'The End' Limit Break!"
"You know, somehow I don't think she'd let us have a tree if we asked, anyway," Barret pointed out. Irvine nodded in agreement.
Zell, Lena, and Leena were still hesitant. "…But still…"
"No buts," Cid said firmly. "Hurry up and chop the damn tree down—these chocobos are starting to creep me out."
The others blinked and looked around; they had not realized that they were surrounded by a whole flock of chocobos. They stood in a circle surrounding the six people, staring at them unblinkingly. They didn't do anything, didn't make any noise… just stood there… staring…
Zell shuddered. "Yeah, okay…" He slung the Buster from his shoulder and readied it, taking careful aim. "Stand back everyone…"
Lena, Leena, Irvine, Cid, and Barret backed away, trying not to get to close to the chocobos. Then, something written on one of the 'No Trespassing' signs caught Lena's eye. "Hey, Leena, look at this," she said, stepping towards the sign to get a better look. Leena and the others followed, now also curious.
The message below the words 'NO TRESPASSING' said this:
WARNING!
This area is reserved as the mating ground for Trabia chocobos. As you know, it's their mating season.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES COME TO THIS AREA WITHOUT CHOCOBOY.
Remember that it's very dangerous around this time, so do not provoke the chocobos (make mating sounds, pretend to be a chocobo, strike various chocobo-mating positions, etc.) in any way shape or form.
Thank You!
The Trabia Chocobo Handler Association
The five members stared at the message, speechless.
"…I thought their mating season was in the spring," Leena finally said, dumbly.
"It's actually from the beginning of November to the end of November, though it varies from place to place," Irvine replied, his eyes narrowing as he thought. "I suppose it probably lasts till the first of January here… We should be careful though—chocobos are extremely territorial during mating season."
Lena raised her eyebrows. "…How do you know that?"
"I saw a documentary on chocobos last week," Irvine replied, still thinking.
Barret shrugged and turned back around, shouting to the fighter. "Hey Zell! Watch out—the chocobos are horny and territorial! Chop the stupid tree down already so we can get out of here!"
"Got it!" Zell shouted back, and swung the Buster. Unfortunately, since Zell swung so far back, the edge of it caught Leena in the stomach, sending her flying into the trees. Zell winced when he realized what had happened, then shrugged; at least he chopped the tree down.
"Shit!" Lena said, staring after Leena in shock. "Are you okay?"
A loud groan was her only response.
The other four turned and glared at Zell.
"…Oops?" Zell laughed, rubbing the back of his head and looking sheepish. Irvine sighed and made his way through the woods to where their companion had flown.
Zell sighed, slung the Buster over his shoulder once more, and picked up the fallen tree. Moments later, the other two reappeared, with Irvine carrying Leena.
"…At least you're not hurt too badly," he was saying, trying to brighten the situation. Leena growled in response.
Cid, upon seeing Leena, burst out laughing.
"What the hell are you laughing at, you stupid pilot?" Leena hissed, glaring daggers at him.
"N-n-nice hair, Leena! Trying to join the chocobos, are you?" Cid chortled, pointing—twigs and branches had made her hair stick out in every which way, kinda like Cloud's, but only a light shade of brown. The others, who hadn't noticed till that moment, also burst out laughing. Leena looked positively murderous.
And then they heard a wark—a long, lustful, aroused wark.
The six group members turned—and found a chocobo a mere ten feet from them, eyeing Leena hungrily.
And then they remembered the warning: it was mating season, and Leena had brown chocobo hair. Which meant that she looked like a chocobo… and that the sign had specifically warned against doing something stupid, like having spikey hair like a chocobo.
It's a good thing Cloud wasn't there.
Fang: Yep.
Suddenly, they were aware that all the other chocobos had crowded around them too, and were also emitting lustful grunts.
And they were all looking at Leena.
"Oh hell no," Leena said, looking terrified.
"Uh, we need to get your hair straight—like now!" Lena said as she began to tug at the twigs holding her hair up in the strange position. Unfortunately, they were tangled up in Leena's hair pretty deeply.
"OW OW OW—STOP IT, LENA!" Leena shrieked in pain, shoving the girl with one 'e' less than her away.
"Hey!" Lena glared.
"Guys—I don't think this is the best time to be arguing!" Cid shrieked. The other two looked up and realized that all the chocobos were now charging towards them… or rather, were charging towards Leena.
Leena screamed. "OH FUCK—"
3:45—Same Afternoon
Group Three
Let's see how Cloud, Tifa, and Black Samurai are faring—
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Tifa!" Elybeth called, running over, trying not to glare and to appear sweet. "Are those boobs real?"
"What the- Yes, yes they are!"
"No they aren't, cause when Loz picked you up by your vest in AC, you didn't have boobs!"
That is true. Very very true.
"They are too real!" Tifa stomped up to Elybeth.
"Eww! Tifa, get your fake silicon boobs out of my way!" Elybeth squealed.
"They're real!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"WHERE THE HELL'S CLOUD?" Black Samurai rudely cut in.
The blond ex-SOLDIER was long gone, thanks to Milani and Seifer.
Meanwhile…
Cloud, after Seifer burned the ropes with a Fire Cross and Milani shoved him away, had safely climbed up onto the roof by the chimney. He was in a rather messy state; he was crying, cursing, and stomping around, throwing himself a wonderful little temper tantrum.
"It's not fair!" he wailed. "Why does this stuff always happen to me?" It was true—but I'm not explaining how. Suffice it to say he's too cute for his own good.
The blond sniffed and scuffed the floor moodily, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"I hate my life," he wailed to nobody in particular.
Uh-oh, he's going emo again!
Fang: (throws popcorn at the bold-voice person) Quiet! I'm watching the movie!
This's a movie?
And then he heard it—the sound of somebody climbing up to the roof. He turned, and saw that somebody was climbing up onto the roof three feet away from him. He wasn't sure who it was—it could have been anyone, not just Tifa or Black Samurai. But Cloud wasn't going to take any chances, so he did the most logical thing—he jumped down the chimney, and disappeared from view.
And it was a good idea, too, if not for just one little thing…
"Dammit… I'm stuck!"
4:15 PM—Late Afternoon
Group Two
"Alright," Squall sighed, looking agitated. "Since Group Four decided to go missing and did not tell anyone where they were going—and since you did such a fantastic job of cleaning the dining room—you guys get to finish the decorating!"
Reno, Li-Bai, Lyana, Quistis, and a thoroughly harassed Warray blinked up at him. Rinoa drooled down at Squall's ass.
"What kind of decorating?" Reno asked suspiciously.
"The lights," the brown-haired SeeD replied. "And throwing all the streamers and blowing balloons and getting the DVDs ready for des—"
"BlueFox has the DVDs," Warray pointed out.
"…Well then you don't have to worry about it, do you?" Squall replied with a glare. Warray scowled. Squall continued.
"I'm assuming that the other six—" he was talking about Group Four "—went out to get the tree—from god knows where—so we won't worry about that."
"Excellent thinking, Squall," gushed Rinoa, fluttering her eyelashes once more.
"…Are you sure there's nothing wrong with your eyes?" Squall asked with a raised eyebrow.
Rinoa flushed scarlet. "…Quite positive… it's um, just allergies… uh…"
Reno, Warray, Quistis and Lyana snickered. Rinoa shot them a withering look.
"What are you five still doing here?" Squall said suddenly, his tone scornful. "There's lights to be hung! Streamers to be thrown like toilet paper! Balloons to blow! Candles to light! Hurry up and get to it!"
And the five were off.
Later…
"Okay… I think we should split all this stuff up," Reno said once the four were outside. "Warray and I will hang the lights… Li-Bai, Quistis, Lyana, you can go do everything else!"
"What? Hell no!" Warray protested. "That's just an excuse for you to molest me some more!"
"I don't know what you mean, yo," Reno replied innocently.
Warray growled. "You damn well do—Li-Bai get back here! Don't leave me alone with him!" And with that, the blackette took off high-speed after the three other girls, wailing indignant protests the whole way.
Reno sighed. "That's okay… I can always corner her in the hallway after dinner, yo." And with this disturbing thought, the redhead turned back to the pile of lights. He blinked. "Now what the hell am I supposed to do…?"
"Need some help?"
The Turk turned to find Seifer and Vincent, both shivering and glancing up at the non-mobile-with-a-destroyed-bridge Balamb nervously (in Vincent's case).
Reno was unable to keep the smirk from his face. "So you finally managed to get yourself unstuck from the turkey, did ya Vincent?"
Normally, the ex-Turk would've been enraged by the other Turk's cheekiness. But due to the recent (embarrassing) events that had taken place, he instead turned a rather ripe shade of cranberry. "Y-y-you know about that?"
"Everybody knows about that by now. You guys were screaming loud enough for everyone in the real world to hear," Seifer snorted.
"…Then you can understand why I'm reluctant to continue with Kitchen Duty… Could we help you out instead?"
Reno was snickering now. "Aerith's angry, huh?"
Vincent winced. "Extremely. So… can we?"
"Sure," Reno shrugged. "I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of her staff attacks… here, you guys help me untangle these lights…"
Meanwhile, with Li-Bai, Quistis, Lyana, and Warray…
"Did you really have to leave me like that?" Warray whined to the other three as she tossed streamers in random directions.
"Well… I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but I think you should hang out with him," Li-Bai said hesitantly, choosing her words carefully. "I know Reno's a bit… rough around the edges, but he really wouldn't do anything to hurt you. I think that if you worked at it, you two could be really good friends!"
Warray gave a disbelieving squawk at this.
"I'm serious!" Li-Bai insisted as she handed Lyana another roll. "This'll be one of the few times you and I will get to see each other…"
"Cloud doesn't seem too bad," Warray pointed out as she threw a streamer away thoughtlessly, accidentally hitting Quistis in the head.
"He's not," Li-Bai agreed. "But Tifa and Aerith are always clinging to him—they're pretty possessive about him, if you know what I mean…"
Warray winced. "Oh… yeah." She still seemed reluctant at the idea of being friends with the Turk.
"Reno's lonely," Lyana said. "He's really not such a bad guy—if you just sit him down and explain that you don't want him to do that, I'm sure he'll stop."
"I've already told him about a million times today that I didn't want him grabbing my ass! That certainly didn't stop him!"
"He just wants attention—if you become his friend, he'll have all the attention he'll ever need! Then he wouldn't grab you anymore. Wouldn't that be nice?" Quistis was turning all motherly again.
Warray sighed as she continued tossing streamers across the area around the non-mobile-with-a-destroyed-bridge Balamb. "Yeah, it would… you guys sure he would stop?"
"Positive," Li-Bai said firmly as she threw the last streamer over the ship. "He's a bit of a lecher, but he has enough sense to know that when somebody says no, they mean no. You just need to have a good heart-to-heart talk about it with him first before he'll stop."
"…You do realize that we're only here for today, right?" Warray asked.
"Oh shut up and help blow these balloons," Li-Bai snapped uncharacteristically, nodding to the pile of balloons.
"OHHHH!" Lyana cried, tipping her head slightly forward as blood dripped out.
"Oh my God, Lyana, are you okay?" Quistis bent over her.
Lyana brushed her off. "Don't worry. I get a nosebleed whenever I see something cute." The others' brows furrowed, but then from the distance, they heard this shout:
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE HAVE NO EXTENSION CORDS?"
The girls looked at each other.
"Sounds like Reno's having fun," Li-Bai said, unable to keep the smile from her face.
Warray grinned hesitantly. "Yeah… maybe we should go help him after we finish the balloons…"
Li-Bai beamed at her.
"NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?"
"…Maybe we should hurry—sounds like he's losing his temper," Quistis murmured, frowning.
"ONE LIGHT GOES OUT, THEY ALL GO OUT, YO!"
"…That'd probably be best," Lyana agreed, her nose having stopped.
Li-Bai smiled again, and everyone began to quickly blow up the balloons.
"GO GRAB A FLASHLIGHT, I JUST BLEW A FUSE, YO!"
Warray sighed, and blew up a final balloon: an orange one.
With that done, the four girls proceeded to walk back to the non-mobile-with-a-destroyed-bridge Balamb, where Reno, Seifer, and Vincent were attempting to drape the front of it with lights, bickering amongst themselves as they did so.
"FINE THEN, VINCENT—IF YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU HANG UP THE LIGHTS, YOU TURKEY-OBSESSED PERV!"
"I AM NOT! I WAS JUST CLEANING IT OUT!"
4:55 PM—Same Late Afternoon
With Genesis…
Evil Lawn Gnome—noun. 1)cruel entity who resides on lawns; 2) the dwarven lawn decor that whisper evil suggestions into your ear; 3) vertically challenged turf reprobate.
After impressively defeating his arch-nemesis (the dryer), Genesis decided to take his rampage outside to the courtyard/garden. After all, there were other dangers outside…
"Heeheeheeheeheehee!"
Genesis whirled around and glared.
"You," he hissed. "I knew all of you would be back. I knew Cloud couldn't kill you."
"Teeheeheeheeheehee!" giggled Edea's collection of happy little garden gnomes.
"Prepare to meet your makers!" Genesis shrieked, readying his leaf blower.
…I cannot even begin to describe the horror that followed. Let's just skip to somewhere else…
5:45 PM—Same Late Afternoon
With Cloud…
Poor Cloud. He had no idea how long he had been stuck inside the chimney; it seemed like hours. He was cramping up and extremely filthy; this combination resulted in one very unhappy ex-SOLDIER. He dared not call for help, however, lest anyone should hear him. So, he decided that it would be better to wait till tomorrow to start screaming for help—he could wait till then.
Unbeknownst to him, he had fallen farther down the chimney than he had thought. His legs could be seen in the fireplace in the library, hanging from the chimney, from the knees down. Also unbeknownst to him, he was not alone in the room.
BlueFox studied the legs in the fireplace with a raised eyebrow. Well, well, well, she thought to herself. What have we here? I do believe it's a certain runaway SOLDIER… With a smirk on her face, she silently walked to the fireplace, taking great care not to be heard. She crouched down as quietly as she could, and listened; Cloud was keeping himself occupied by humming loudly. He was completely unaware of his surroundings.
BlueFox allowed a very evil, very disturbing grin to spread across her face as she reached out her arms and grasped the blond's ankles. Cloud yelped at the unexpected contact—that yelp quickly turned into a shriek when BlueFox proceeded to yank the blond out of the fireplace.
"OW!" the blond shouted when his head came in contact with the floor, stunned. BlueFox took advantage of this and quickly crawled on top of the older man. Cloud, realizing this, tried to push her off.
"B-B-BlueFox! What the hell are you doing?" Cloud wailed, struggling to get out from the younger girl. His efforts were in vain, however, for BlueFox pinned the blond's arms to the ground, smirking.
"How's your head?" she asked innocently.
Cloud dry-sobbed in reply.
BlueFox's smirk grew. "Let me see…" she said, grasping both the ex-SOLDIER's wrists in one hand and using the other to tilt his head forward. She saw no blood, but she just couldn't keep herself from leaning down and nuzzling her nose into that soft, silky, spikey blond hair. Cloud sighed in dismay; what if somebody walked in on them like this?
"You know, you really shouldn't have run away," BlueFox chided as she lowered her arm to caress his cheek. "Things would have been so much easier if you had just stayed… You realize I have to punish you now, right?"
"H-huh?" was the blond's intelligent reply; he was distracted by the pleasant tingles erupting on his face, where BlueFox was stroking him.
"Mm-hmm," BlueFox murmured, nodding as her head moved to nuzzle the blond's slender neck, her hand moving to his chest. "Fortunately for you, Squall found out about Vincent and the turkey—" Cloud blinked, having no idea what the other was talking about "—so he sent Black Samurai, Tifa, and Elybeth out to go buy some Chinese food. If he'd been the one that found you, he wouldn't be nearly so lenient as I."
"Um… uh… er…" Cloud mumbled, speechless—that hand was very distracting, making his mind feel all fuzzy...
"You know," BlueFox murmured as she kissed the Cloud's jawbone, earning a pleased gasp from the blond, "you're quite filthy. I think it'd be best if you got a bath… I'll help wash your back."
"Guh!" was the intelligent reply she received from the puddle of hormonal goo in her arms.
6:21 PM—Evening
The Shera
Yuffie scowled and slid further down into her seat, glaring at everybody.
She was certainly not in the celebrating spirit. Her black and gray outfit consisted of more black than usual and she was wearing a heavy amount of black eyeliner (which she had stolen from Kuja, but don't tell him!). She was moping; her beloved Vincent was not with her, leaving her all alone that day. Oh, the tragedy. The heartbreak!
Just imagine how she would react upon hearing about the turkey incident.
Fang: True that.
"Yuffie, stop moping and get over here so we can eat!" Zack ordered irritably from the dining table, where everybody else was already seated (nobody knows how he got there, and nobody wants to know). "There are no more bloopers! It's not a time to mope—it's a time to be happy and cheerful!"
"How can I be cheerful when my true love is missing?" Yuffie wailed back dramatically. "How can I be happy when he's not here beside me? You just don't understand the sorrow of my empty, black heart!"
Demyx sighed and rubbed his temple; why did Yuffie have to go emo today of all days? Why couldn't she have waited till tomorrow… or the day after that, or whatever? And where the hell was his sitar?
The blond suddenly gave a loud squeak when he felt a strong hand clamp down onto his thigh.
"Zexion!" he hissed, his face flushing to a vivid scarlet. "Stop! There are people here!"
Beside him, Zexion smiled at him disturbingly, and proceeded to move his hand a bit upwards to a certain sensitive part of the blond's anatomy.
"Can't you wait till after dinner?" Demyx all but wailed, well aware that Zidane was sending them strange looks.
Zexion leaned over and whispered in Demyx's ear, his warm breath making the blond shiver. "I don't think I can wait that long—I want you now."
Demyx sputtered. "Bu… buh… but…"
They were interrupted by Zack yelling, "YUFFIE! IF YOU DON'T GET OVER HERE IN ABOUT FIVE SECONDS, I'M REALLY GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"
Yuffie was wise enough to know that when Zack said this, he really meant it. She wisely ran to the dining table as fast as her legs could carry her, and sat down beside Zexion. Zack grinned.
"Goooood," he cooed. "Now let's see... who else is missing…? MARLENE! DENZEL! GET OUT OF THAT CLOSET THIS INSTANT! THIS INSTANT, I SAY!"
Five minutes later, the boy and girl were seated at the table, smiling sheepishly, their clothes thoroughly wrinkled from their activities in the closet.
"…How are you going to explain to Barret about you and Denzel's little relationship when we go to the party?" Yuffie asked Marlene curiously with a raised eyebrow.
Marlene winced. "I don't wanna think about that right now."
"LEON!" Zack shrieked. "GET OVER HERE! STOP PLAYING ON YOUR STUPID COMPUTER!"
"I'm not playing Zack!" Leon shouted back as he stomped over and sat at one end of the table. "I'm working! If it wasn't for that computer, you could kiss your second life goodbye!"
Zack rolled his eyes. "Whatever… Someone, tell the Troublesome Three to get over here! GET AWAY FROM THOSE PRESENTS YOU THREE, OR YOU WON'T BE GETTING ANYTHING FOR THIS!"
The three other KH characters, who were peeking into cupboards and dark corners subtly (and by that I mean as subtly as a chair to the head) and trying to guess what their presents were, raced over to the table and sat down.
"What did I tell you three about messing with the presents?" Zidane asked, glaring at his friends, tail lashing warningly.
"Sorry Zidane," said Sora.
Zidane sighed. "Just don't do it again, Roxas."
"That's Sora, Zidane!" Roxas corrected.
"That's what I said, Roxana."
Axel stared. "His name's not Roxana, it's Roxas!"
"That's what I said, Blank!"
"HE'S AXEL!" Roxas and Sora shouted, frustrated.
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"
"SHUT UP ALREADY!" Garnet screeched uncharacteristically. "WOULD EVERYBODY JUST BE QUIET ALREADY SO WE CAN EAT?"
Everyone fell silent. Garnet had the grace to blush deeply and look sheepish. "Um… sorry for yelling, I just… uh…"
"Don't worry about it, Dagger," Rikku, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table from Leon, said comfortingly. "It's been a stressful day. Let's just enjoy the dinner. Hey Squall—" she glared over at Leon, who returned it with full force "—say the blessing. Now."
"Grr…" growled Leon, his fists clenching. "If it wasn't illegal to kill…"
"Hey, I can say it!" Denzel volunteered cheerfully, raising his hand.
"Fine, whatever!" Zack, who was very hungry and impatient, said quickly. "Just say it—YUFFIE PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN RIGHT NOW! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO CUT YOUR WRISTS! WE'RE ABOUT TO EAT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
Yuffie scowled sulkily and reluctantly dropped her steak knife.
Denzel blinked. "Uh… alright then. Everybody bow your heads." Everyone did so. "Okay, now how did it go again…? Oh yeah! Let us all be thankful for what we got, and let all our problems slide off like snot! Amen!"
And with that, he began to stuff his plate with everything he could reach, sending food flying everywhere. The others, meanwhile, just stared at him in shock.
"…That was just gross," Zexion finally said, wincing. "Denzel, you're not allowed to say the blessing anymore—"
At that moment, out of nowhere, there was a terrific explosion. Bright light exploded from the middle of the room, blinding everyone.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" yelled Zack, covering his eyes.
"I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!" Yuffie wailed in pain. "AS IF MY LIFE WASN'T BLEAK ENOUGH! NOW I SHALL NEVER BE ABLE TO GAZE AT VINCENT'S BEAUTIFUL VISAGE EVER AGAIN! OH, THE HUMANITY!"
None of them stayed blind, however. A few short moments later, their vision cleared, and they were greeted with one of the most terrifying sights they had ever seen.
"CEL-E-BRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!" Angeal boomed, standing in the middle of the room, holding Demyx's thoroughly trashed sitar, in his hands and surrounded by every single moogle in the whole series, all of whom were drunk as skunks. He was quite a sight to behold, mostly because he had wings out… and nothing else on.
The FF8, 7, 9, 10, and KH characters took one look at the naked man, and burst into terrified screams.
"OH MY GOD!" (Rikku)
"MY EYES! THEY BURN!" (Yuffie)
"IT'S THE ANTI-CHRIST!" (Zack)
"COVER YOUR EYES, CHILDREN!" (Zidane)
"WHAT IS THAT HANGING BETWEEN HIS LEGS, ZIDANE?" (Marlene)
"IT'S MOVING! OH MY GOD, IT JUST WINKED AT ME!" (Axel)
"OH NO! MY PRECIOUS SITAR! WHAT'S HE DONE TO YOU?" (Demyx)
Angeal surveyed the scene of chaos happily, a wide grin on his face. His state of insanity, combined with how everybody was celebrating no more Bloopers, had now led him to believe that he was Tetsuya—or rather, Angeal Nomura. "Now, now, don't worry!" he said cheerfully. "There's enough of me to go around! Everybody's going to get a present." He gestured down southward towards… there. This only caused more fear.
"OH GOD, PLEASE NO!" (Roxas)
"HAVE MERCY!" (Zack)
"SPARE ME! TAKE THE KH ONES! THEY'RE EXPENDABLE!" (Leon, Demyx, Zexion, Sora, Roxas, and Axel glare at Zidane.)
"I WANT MY MOMMY!" (Denzel)
Luckily, there was at least one smart person sitting at the table. Garnet (after getting over her horrified shock) jumped up began ushering everybody to the door, shouting, "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"
It should be noted that like Balamb, the Shera was parked on the ground.
And they did, leaving Angeal, the sitar, ("MY SITAR!" Demyx wailed dramatically while Zexion dragged him out of the ship), and the drunk moogles alone in the room.
Angeal clucked his tongue disapprovingly. "Now, that's not very nice. Looks like they all go on the naughty list… and naughty children need to be punished, don't they my pretties?"
"Oh ya, ya!" cheered the drunk moogles. "Severely punished, kupo! Ya!"
"They need to be taught a lesson, don't they?" Angeal continued, a disturbing smile on his face.
"Ya, ya! Taught a lesson, kupo!"
"They'll learn to obey the mighty Angeal Nomura, won't they?"
"Ya, ya! Obey!"
"Then let us give chase!"
"Ya, ya! Chase! Kupo!"
Angeal held Demyx's sitar up to his eyes. "What do you think?"
The sitar said nothing.
"FANTASTIC!" Angeal shouted happily, taking the sitar's silence as some sort of confirmation. "LET'S GO!"
And with that, they set off after the fleeing heroes.
7:00 PM—The Party
Balamb Dining Room
So then everybody (except for Angeal and Zack, who were both MIA) sat, at the table, surrounded by hundreds of cartons of Chinese food. Everyone had seemingly (if, for some, unintentionally) paired up into groups—Rinoa and Squall were at one end of the table, Li-Bai, Reno, and Warray (who had taken the girls' advice, and was quite surprised to find that Reno WAS an extremely cool guy) at the other end, then Cloud with BlueFox in his lap, then Barret and Cid (who for once wasn't smoking), then Lena and Leena—who wasn't actually sitting down, but was instead standing behind Lena, wincing—then Aerith and Elybeth (who was glaring at Tifa), then Tifa and Black Samurai (who was also glaring at Tifa), then Seifer and Milani, Quistis, Lyana, and Vincent (Vincent looked extremely uncomfortable, and Lyana looked murderous, but to whom we don't know), Rob and Genesis glaring at one another across the table, and Sephiroth standing by Black Samurai.
"Well," Squall finally said, trying to ease away from clinging Rinoa, "I know that this… isn't exactly the dinner I had planned on, but due to certain events—" he sent Vincent a withering look; the ex-Turk had the grace to look embarrassed "—this meal will have to suffice. We DO have wonderful brownies, an apple pie, and a chocolate cake to look forward to after the meal, however, so the meal will not completely consist of take-out…"
Aerith and Elybeth grinned to each other, proud of their mad cooking skillz.
"And despite Angeal and Zack's absence, we are still going Christmas karaoking after dinner—" Squall ignored everyone's unhappy groans "—and also…" He continued to ramble on, quite unaware that everyone was tuning him out.
"BlueFox," Cloud muttered, his face growing redder by the minute as he felt the others stare, "is this really necessary? There's an extra chair over in the corner that you could sit in…"
"But I like sitting on your lap," BlueFox purred, leaning back and nuzzling Cloud's neck. "Don't you like me sitting on your lap? Or do I have to punish you some more…? Have you forgotten Quistis' whip I could so easily steal…?"
Cloud's eyes widened in alarm. He glanced back at the direction of Quistis. "No, not Mr. Punishment…" he whimpered.
BlueFox giggled evilly, her grip around Cloud's hands tightening. "Yes. Mr. Punishment."
"I'll be good… I like you sitting in my lap…" the blond whimpered; his butt was still a bit sore from his previous punishment session. (It should be noted that he hadn't completely despised the session—after the first couple of spankings, he found it all to be quite enjoyable. But I digress…:) )
"That's good. You're a good Cloud," BlueFox purred, giving the blond's thigh an appreciative pat. The blond winced, but squirmed in pleasure all the same.
Tifa scowled and glared at BlueFox, seething. If looks could kill…
"RENO!" Warray wailed, slapping the Turk's offending hand away from a certain area on her chest.
The fiery haired man smiled sheepishly. "Hehe, sorry, yo! You know what they say—old habits are hard to break, yo… Oh look! Mistletoe!" He pointed up to the plant hanging innocently above him and Li-Bai.
Warray's eyes narrowed. "Wait a second, we didn't hang any mistletoe there—" she was silenced when Reno's lips clamped down firmly over Li-Bai's leaving both girls speechless. Li-Bai struggled against the older man for a few moments before finally giving up and allowing herself to give in to the kiss—she was quite surprised when she found that she actually enjoyed it. Reno smirked smugly against her lips.
"Aww, they make a nice couple," Zell remarked to no one in particular from beside Irvine.
And indeed they did. They certainly did.
8:32 PM—Evening
Celebration/Christmas Karaoking-Edge
Squall sighed and pulled his coat tighter around himself. "Come on, everybody!" he called over his shoulder. "The longer we stall, the more time we'll spend out here in the cold!"
The remaining people hurried after him. They were all bundled up in their warmest clothes, as well as the dumb accessories that Squall forced them to wear. All of them were shivering.
"I hate this!" Lyana hissed through chattering teeth. "I hate singing! I hate making people happy! Why can't we just go on a bloodthirsty rampage? It's too cold to be doing this!"
"Y-y-you think YOU'RE having a b-bad time?" Reno snapped, his teeth chattering so hard he could barely speak. "How d-d-do y-you think t-that I f-f-f-feel?" Out of everyone else, he was bundled up the most—Squall thought he resembled some sort of clothes monster.
"You weren't cold earlier when you were putting up the lights," Warray pointed out with a raised eyebrow.
"T-t-the temperature's g-gone down s-since then, y-y-y-yo," Reno stammered back, hugging himself for warmth.
"COME ON, PEOPLE!" Squall shouted impatiently. "There's too much to do, we don't have time to stand around like this!"
And so, the large group meandered down the streets of Edge, freezing their asses off, cursing Squall under their breaths—except for Rinoa, who looked at her Knight with complete adoration—and looking completely miserable.
"Ah! Our first audience!" Squall crowed suddenly, pointing. The other members looked in the direction that his finger was pointing in and stared; he was pointing at Zack and co.… all of whom appeared to be crouching behind a large pile of construction equipment.
"NO MORE BLOOPERS!" Squall boomed enthusiastically, striding towards them with his arms spread wide open.
"Ssshh!" Yuffie hissed, putting her finger to her lips. "Be quiet! He might hear you and find us!"
Squall stopped and blinked. "Who?"
"The… The thing! The monster! The it! That psycho guy! We've been hiding from him for hours!"
Squall raised one brown eyebrow (Rinoa swooned behind him, sighing dreamily). "Ah… sounds to me like this big, bad monster just needs some no more bloopers spirit!"
"Believe you me," Yuffie said tiredly, "he's got more than enough." Her friends nodded furiously behind her.
"You can say that again," muttered Zexion, pulling Demyx closer to him and nuzzling against his neck. The blond flushed, all too aware of the stares they were receiving from the really big group from Balamb.
"No way!" Squall laughed. "You can never have enough of that kind of spirit! Everyone—gather 'round!"
Grumbling mutinously, the large group did as commanded.
"No, please—" Zidane squealed, looking around the street frantically, tail twitching.
Squall ignored him. "Alright, everyone," he shouted, smiling at his terrified audience, "let's turn these frowns upside down!"
Yuffie and her friends whimpered pathetically.
Squall cleared his throat. "Okay people—let's start with Reno's song as a warm-up, then we'll work our way up from there…"
"But the song doesn't include the names of everyone," Cloud pointed out. "And it doesn't rhyme that much—"
"So frikkin what?" Squall snapped. "And the lyrics rhyme perfectly well, thank you very much! So, if nobody else has anymore interruptions—" he looked around questioningly; no one else spoke up "—then let's start singing! Alright everybody—here we go!"
And they all began to sing.
"You know Tseng and Elena and Rude and Rufus… Cloud and Tifa and Aerith and Genesis! But do you recall… the most famous one of all?"
Cue dramatic pause. Yuffie and the others looked terrified. The large group from Balamb burst into song.
"Reno the Red-Haired Turk! Had some very shiny hair! And if you ever saw it… you'd be in for a scare—"
"See, I told you that doesn't fit right!" Cloud interrupted with a whine.
"STOP COMPLAINING YOU PIECE OF SHIT AND GET BACK TO SINGING!" Squall shrieked.
So they all continued to sing. And somewhere out in the North Pole, Rudolph keeled over and died.
It should be noted that the BlueFox currently sitting at her computer has just done a spit take of Mountain Dew Code Red all over her bedroom floor.
The karaoke songs continued. After "Reno the Red-Haired Turk," they moved on to "Silent Night" (the lyrics were changed a bit to talk about darkness and death and other such things, which Yuffie enjoyed), "God Rest Ye Merry Souls", and then "Away In A Manger." They were in the middle of "The Twelve Bad Days of Bloopers" when IT happened.
"…seven Aeriths a screaming, six Zacks a farting—"
"CEL-E-BRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!"
Everyone looked up—and began to scream in utter terror. For there, standing on the roof of the 7th Heaven, stood Angeal—stark naked (save for his wings), surrounded by drunk moogles, with Demyx's sitar in one arm.
"MY SITAR!" Demyx wailed.
"OH. MY. GOD!" Aerith shrieked, looking like she was going to be sick.
"OH. MY. GOD!" Elybeth shrieked as well, looking just as sick.
Squall didn't look any better. "ANGEAL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! YOU'RE FRIGHTENING THE CHILDREN!"
Everyone hastily covered the OCs' eyes, to spare them further torture of having to stare up at the naked guy.
Angeal smiled happily, oblivious to the horror he was causing. "I'm spreading joy, Squall!" he said, answering the FF8 main character's question. "Just like you wanted! And what better way to spread joy than to share this—" he gestured down southward to his… friend… "—with everyone in town?"
"THAT'S NOT SPREADING JOY!" Squall shrieked. "THAT'S SPREADING TERROR!"
"My eyes!" BlueFox wailed, burying her face into Cloud's chest.
Cloud winced and tore his eyes away from the vision of horror before them. "Don't look, BlueFox!" he said, burying his face into BlueFox's hair.
"Nonsense!" Angeal boomed, laughing heartily. "Now then, who wants to go first?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked everyone down below.
"Please! Spare us!" Zack sobbed, having a death grip on poor Aerith who had run to him for protection.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Angeal cackled, looking down at Yuffie and her friends. "Now, now! All of you have been very naughty, running away from Angeal Nomura like that! My helpers and I—" he gestured down to the drunken moogles "—agree that you need to be punished. I do believe a good spanking for each of you is in order…" And with that, he whipped out… well, a whip.
Black Samurai's eyes widened in horror. "Oh fuck no…" she stammered.
Angeal was positively beaming. "So, who would like to go first?" he leered, cracking his whip in the air.
Lena became terrified. With a shriek of "MOMMY!", she jumped up and began to run toward Sephiroth as fast as her legs would carry her. She didn't get very far, unfortunately, as the end of Angeal's whip curled around her ankle. With a harsh tug, the youngest OC at 12 was jerked back. She found herself flying back towards the object of her terror.
"GOD HAVE MERCY!" she screeched as she landed in the crazed man's arms.
"NO! PLEASE! SHE'S JUST A GIRL!" Leena shouted—Lena had become one of her best friends, and she hated to see this happen… Although she was very happy that none of this was happening to her…again…
"PUT MY SITAR DOWN, YOU SICK FREAK!" Demyx shrieked. He didn't care about what was happening to Lena-he didn't even know her. His sitar was much more important!
"MY LIFE CANNOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE!" Yuffie howled miserably. "WHERE'S AN EXTRA SHARP RAZOR BLADE WHEN YOU NEED ONE?"
"DAMMIT, YUFFIE, COULD YOU STOP BEING EMO, EVEN FOR ONE SECOND?" Zidane shrieked irritably. "HONESTLY! I'D BE MORE CONCERNED WITH GETTING THAT GIRL AWAY FROM THAT MONSTER!"
Yuffie burst into tears. "You just don't understand my pain!" She stopped when Lena began screaming in terror, however, when she saw that Angeal was getting ready to start spanking her.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Angeal cackled. "FEEL MY WRATH!" He whipped his arm back, and—
"WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! What the hell is this?"
Startled, everyone looked up. At first, they didn't see anything. Then they heard the clicking of boots on tile. They turned, and coming straight for them was none other than…
"TETSUYA!" Lena squealed happily, squirming around in her captor's arms gleefully. "YOU'VE COME TO RESCUE ME!"
Tetsuya stopped in front of the huge group.
"You've come to rescue us!" Lena repeated happily, her eyes shining hopefully. Tetsuya blinked at her.
"What the hell gave you that idea?" he snapped irritably (Lena blinked right back at him). "I'm here because yet another deranged FREAK—" he gestured to Angeal with a shudder "—is trying to take my place as Director! Do you know how annoying that is? Now I've gotta kick his psychotic ass so he can stop spreading terror and horror among the innocent girls and boys—not to mention the poor readers' characters. I'm quite certain their IQ levels are now single digits. Also, I'm here to prevent the authoress from abusing the CAPS LOCK button further." He glared at BlueFox's character menacingly.
The sky flashed dangerously. "Oh, don't make such a fuss—you're abusing it, and you know it," Tetsuya snapped up at the sky.
Somewhere up in the real world, the real BlueFox sulked, glaring at the computer screen moodily.
"Um, excuse me?" the ever observant Denzel spoke up suddenly. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're here to kick Angeal's ass, wouldn't you still be rescuing us?"
"Oh shut up, and sink back into obscurity, you child molester," Tetsuya snapped.
"Sheesh, SOMEBODY'S in a bad mood," Zack muttered under his breath to Aerith. Unfortunately, the awesome Director heard him.
"You'd be angry too if somebody was trying to steal your job and twist to suit their own freakish needs every second of the creation of your games and movies!" he snapped peevishly.
Zack held up a hand. "Okay, okay. Geez, sorry I said anything…"
Leena, meanwhile, was having herself a mild nervous breakdown—the chocobos who had come with Tetsuya were leering at her suggestively. They still seemed to remember her quite fondly. Zell and Irvine patted her back sympathetically while Barret and Cid snickered.
"You!" Tetsuya suddenly shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Angeal. "How dare you try to take my job?! I am the Director around here, young man! I am the ORIGINAL, understand? There's not a soul in existence who can do my job better than me!"
Angeal was not impressed. "Oh really? Don't you think you're getting a little too old for your job, Grandpa? And anyway, I deliver something much better than happy endings…" He leered at Lena lecherously. The youngest OC whimpered in fear.
Tetsuya blinked once more. "…That's just nasty," he said finally. "You really are a sick bastard, and you must be stopped!" And with that, he yanked out the ultimate weapon… a machine gun that when prompted, shot out Digimon shit. (You know, that pink stuff that looks like strawberry ice cream sometimes?)
"I think my IQ just dropped about twenty levels," Zexion remarked to no one in particular.
"Shoot, with all the crap that's been going on in this chapter, my IQ's already in the negatives," Vincent sighed.
"Your IQ was already in the negatives, you sick, twisted, turkey-molester," Aerith snapped back.
"I was just cleaning it out!" the ex-Turk wailed indignantly.
The rest of the group (save for Angeal, who was busy yanking Cloud's many buster swords from AC out of inappropriate places, thus scarring poor Lena's mind even further) shot him disbelieving looks. Vincent sulked unhappily.
"Keep an eye on my new love slave!" Angeal ordered the drunk moogles, tossing the now babbling Lena at them.
"Ya, ya! We watch! Kupo!" cheered the drunk moogles.
The sitar gave a loud TWANG! as three of its strings broke from being tossed aside as well.
"My sitar!" wailed Demyx.
And with that, Tetsuya and Angeal began to attack each other.
Now, as much as I would like to describe the carnage that ensued, this chapter is meant to be presented in a manner befitting, good, wholesome family entertainment (well… sorta… I guess the turkey thing wasn't really wholesome… or the chocobo incident… or the whole 'Angeal-and-Genesis-going-crazy' bits… or the swearing… well, everything in this chapter in general isn't really wholesome, I guess…).
The scenes of battle that happened during the fight depict gut-wrenching, hour-long scenes of horror that would make this last chapter even more obscenely longer than it already is, as Angeal (with Cloud's seven or so swords that were pulled out of unmentionable places) and Tetsuya (with his Digimon shit flinging machine gun and BlueFox's flamethrower) proceed to duke it out in an all out war of pure, unadulterated warfare. With a heavy heart, I must say that I am forbidden to write (er… type) these action-packed scenes down, as they are too graphic and grisly for the more delicate and weak-hearted readers.
The screams and blood don't really have anything to do with it—it's more because of the hot flames from the flamethower. Oh, the fire. Rushing around everywhere, along the walls, the ground, the buildings, like blood… burning the skin and rushing into sensitive eyes mercilessly, bringing forth scream after scream… And the shit. Splattering everywhere with every hit, falling wetly to the ground not unlike that of internal organs being discharged from the human body… And the drunk moogles, flying through the air with drunken cries of "KUPO!"… No, readers, you just don't want to read about it. The scenes of horror that followed are simply the kind of things that you just can't un-read.
More importantly, the onlookers (that is, the remaining members of the three casts and the OCs) made several highly inappropriate and crude jokes about machine guns and whips and Cloud's swords. They were the kinda jokes that you'd hear on one of those adult-only comedy channels—much too inappropriate for a T-rated fic!
I do sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, and we shall now return to this piece of madness that I call a fanfic. Thank you.
The four groups stood there, staring around at the scene of carnage in shock.
Rob was the first to speak. "Well… that was awesome."
And indeed it was. Buildings had crashed down in the fray, walls had crumbled, and construction equipment was strewn around. Explosions had abounded, and blood had fallen, just like a war story. In the midst of it all lay Tetsuya and Angeal, both of whom lay unconscious, completely tired out.
"…You know, I'm not in the mood for singing anymore," Squall remarked tiredly. "In fact, I'm not in a very celebratory mood anymore, either. Come along everybody… let's grab Angeal and go back to our respective homes… Rin, be sure to call that shrink as soon as we get back, would you?"
And with that, the four groups split, with Angeal being lugged away by his arms with the FFVII group, courtesy of Sephiroth.
Lena whimpered; she had not moved from her position from the ground, not once.
"…Lena?" Elybeth said kindly, bending down beside the younger girl. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"
"…I want my mommy…" sobbed the broken girl. Elybeth sighed.
Rob shuddered. "I don't know about you guys, but after all the crap that's just happened, I think I need to get drunk… REALLY drunk."
"That sounds good," Warray sighed, walking over and picking up Demyx's sitar. Shockingly the Melodious Nocturne had forgotten it.
Li-Bai agreed, and then so did everyone else. Rob hoisted up Lena, and everyone proceeded to walk back to the portal that would lead them home, fully intent on getting drunk out of their minds at their local bars to forget everything that had happened.
Tetsuya, meanwhile, was left their amongst the wreckage, while his team of chocobos proceeded to have a huge group orgy with the few drunken moogles that had survived the battle… but we won't get into that.
And that would forever be known as the worst celebration of anything, EVER, in the history of all celebrations. Because nobody that witnessed it ever fully recovered from the events, oh no. In fact, Zell is still going through therapy, and turkey has never been served for dinner on 7's Gaia again, because everyone's too scared that Vincent would do something inappropriate to it.
And Yuffie, if possible, became even more emo than before—until she and Vincent were reunited again, on that one episode of Jerry Springer where that Ku Klux Klan guy got the snot beat out of him by that gay Jewish black dude… but that's another story all together.
"You know," Demyx remarked that night in Zexion's bedroom, as he and the Cloaked Schemer lay in bed after a three hour session of humping like rabbits, "after all of this, I'd hate to see what FF8's blooper celebration will be like… and FFX's… and ni—"
"Don't!" Zexion shrieked, clapping a hand on his love bunny's mouth. "Don't even finish that sentence, Demyx! God knows we don't need to be jinxed… we don't want to give the psychotic authoress anymore ideas…"
Hehehe. It's too late for that, Zexy boy. Too late for that…
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
…Damn. Just… Damn. I honestly did not expect this chapter to be this long. Seriously! But… I just couldn't stop typing. And I think the ending kinda sucked, but I was running out of inspiration, and I wanted to get this out. I just barely made my deadline, which isn't half bad! I'm kinda proud of myself, actually….But now's the part you've all been waiting for: the destruction of the blooper discs!
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Destruction of Blooper Disc 1
Idea from Lady Tatum
1 Year Later on Gaia (FFVII)
"Damn it," Sephiroth began as he was leaving the previously on fire storage room. "That was the twelfth terrorist attack today."
Genesis looked up from his Spawn comic and spoke. "I'll never understand those damned rebel spies… Hey, did you ever find something funny about Spawn being an undead black guy?"
"No, not really, why?"
"Okay, in the book, Spawn, a.k.a. Al Simmons, worked for a big organization and was killed by assassination via a fire right?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Well, he died and went to hell wherein he was resurrected as Spawn."
"Where are you trying to go with this?"
"Well… why did Al Simmons go to hell? He lead a good life, he wasn't gay or anything either, the only problem I see was the fact that he was black. And that, my friend, means that Todd McFarlene (Creator) is a racist pig."
"Huh….. it kind of makes sense… Hey, what do you want?" Sephiroth said as he looked up to a very angry, and very familiar, black man.
"Tch, that's fucked up! I hope you two burn in hell real soon! Damned honkeys!" Barret spat as he stomped out of the store, throwing his copy of FFVII REMAKE in the trash on the way out.
"Wonder what's eating him…" Genesis said as he obliviously turned the page in his comic.
Sephiroth then proceeded to smack his hand down on the comic saying:
"What the fuck Genesis! You just implied that all black people go to hell IN FRONT of a black man! Sometimes I wonder how you've stayed alive all this time."
"Yeah… I wonder that too sometimes…" As Genesis finished the phone began ringing. He instinctively pulled a quarter out and flipped it, landing on heads. "Ha ha, your turn, Seph."
"Damn it." Sephiroth picked up the phone "Hello?"
"Hi, this is the NAACP, we have a complaint abo-" Click.
"Another stupid customer?"
"Something like that."
Another nerdy, undoubtedly virgin customer walked in and he began "Hi, do you guys have the Final Fantasy VII Bloopers Disc One DVD still available?"
"Let me check," Sephiroth said as he walked into the smoking storage room. "Mmm…" he said as he looked around at the ashes and melted plastic "Nope, don't see any."
"Excuse me sir but, why is your store room smoking?"
"Terrorists, now leave!"
As the boy left the store Genesis asked, "Seph, I thought the terrorists only caught the PSP versions on fire, the DVDs should have been perfectly safe."
"Well, they would have been, but last night I kind of soaked them all in… a fire retardant substance."
"You poured pure gasoline all over them didn't you?"
Sephiroth bowed his head in silent guilt.
-.-.-.-.-.-
Destruction of Blooper Disc 2
Idea from Warrayfinson
One Week Later on Earth
"AHAHAHAHAHA!" a voice carried to Warray's ears as she sat at the computer, scanning for new things to read on fanfiction. Ever since the blooper story had ended… "WARRAY! YOU HAVE TO COME SEE THIS!"
With a sigh, Warray stood and went into the living room, where her friend (we'll call her Kira) was watching what Warray never wanted to see for real. "SUPER MAGENTA CYCLONE ATTACK OF DOOM!" screamed the Genesis on screen.
Eyes wide, Warray suddenly stole the DVD remote from Kira, ejected the disc, ran to the bathroom and proceeded to flush the disc down the toilet. However, all it seemed to do was clog up the toilet, so she ended up having to use the plunger to get it back out.
I'm not going to describe what crap actually came out (hey, I'm not joking) before she managed to get it on the floor. She ran to her room and grabbed Demyx's sitar that she STILL had and opened a secret compartment near the edge of it.
"BURN!" she roared after stamping on it for effect, as a rush of fire roared out of the end of the sitar. When it was nothing but little crisps, she grabbed a small box, brushed them in, and proceeded to send them to Alexandria, or more importantly, to Zidane (who had pretty much gotten over all of the events that had happened).
When the monkey tailed idiot opened the box, the box emitted a cough, and Garnet looked at him, before laughing at his completely black face.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Destruction of Blooper Disc Three
Idea by S.B. Kathrine
1 Year Later on Gaia 2
A bomb exploded in Balamb and everybody died, including the blooper disc. The end.
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Did you really believe me? Well if you didn't, guess what? YOU'RE SMART! That was a complete space filler! The blooper disc was destroyed, but everyone else survived! On with the story!
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Destruction of Blooper Disc 4
My Own Idea
With my Friends at Burger King
"Hey guys, check this out." Sora67 suddenly popped out, fully recovered from the 5 minute stomach flu from eating fries off the ground.
"What have you for us today, old friend?" BlueFox asked, taking the DVD that Sora67 was holding out. "Final Fantasy VII: Bloopers, disc 4?"
"Oh yes! The greatest misfortune to ever hit Final Fantasy! It's like Epic! These people screw up worse than you inadvertently prove you're in love with Cloud! I mean this is the Naruto of bloopers! The Holy Grail of utter gaming catastrophe! The Superman 64 of the Xbox360! The 'Dirge of Cerberus' of Anthromorphic sequels. This DVD makes me want to go out and play Majora's Mask! With out a Game FAQ. Oh no! Even worse…this thing is like the Pokémon of RPGs! Or the Ragnarok of MMORPGS. It's the Advent Children storyline of the once beloved 7. Actually, I would rather use the discs to cut my wrists than watch them! With glitches that make Sonic and the Secret Rings look like a quick, smooth game! I mean we're talking some hard-core shittery right here! I was so impressed I went and watched them. I then proceeded to repeatedly slam my head against the DVD player and then I ran off and watched 300! It was that monumental! I mean, this is more than just a bad movie, this is phenomenal! It was so phenomenal that I even threw up in a paper bag! Now every time I see anything to do with Final Fantasy VII I go into seizures, shit myself, and forget who I am for ten minutes!"
"…Wow…Just …wow." BlueFox stared at Sora67, almost fondly.
"Damn…you earned a small praise for that one." Tyrone gleamed.
"Can I get a smiley face T-shirt?"
"No."
"Damn…how about a sticker?"
"No."
"Can I get a chicken then?"
"A chicken?" Tyrone blinked.
"Yeah, a chicken."
"Fine. Just don't let Colton eat it."
"YEEEEESSSSSSSS!" Sora67 screamed, "Striker! They're letting me have a CHICKEN!"
"Is this DVD really that bad?" Colton asked snatching the case. "I mean I've seen some bad movies before like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, March of the Penguins, and the Dragon Ball Z movies. Can this really be THAT bad?"
"No smart person would admit to watching DBZ." Armageddon Child snorted.
"What about the Final Fantasy one?! That's worse!" Tyrone added.
"Actually, that's kinda fun…in a creepy spacey kinda way." Chris nodded obliviously.
"For once I have no comment to the idiocy." Emma shook her head and whistled loudly, "Sheila, let's go. NOW." Cloud lowered his high and sighed sadly. He proceeded to follow, however, carrying the good friend's shoes.
"That was disturbing..." Tyrone finally spoke.
"Like Earthworm Jim disturbing?" BlueFox asked.
"No, like Pocahontas for the Sega disturbing..."
"Dude, that game is awesome!" Colton beamed stupidly, "You get to walk around as a chick with a killer tan playing with animals and shit."
"Let's forget about the 32 bit graphics," Ion commented casually, hopping over the counter and sitting on it.
"Fuck man, where have you been?" Tyrone glared.
"Oh you know the usual, telling sorry Twilight fans they can eat shit and trying to take back Porch Monkey."
"…Dude, we're already trying to avoid the NAACP, don't say shit like porch monkey!"
Ion opened a magazine, "Man, I'm telling you Porch monkey is not racist."
"Nope, nigger is."
"COLTON!"
"What?"
"He has a point you know. I mean, think about it. Porch Monkey could just mean a monkey on a porch! What's so wrong about that?"
"You're a jackass." Tyrone rolled his eyes.
"One of the best, my friend. Besides, deep down inside you know you just want to run around saying porch monkey."
"Stop fucking saying porch monkey!"
"That ain't fucking right!" Barret growled from the back of the fast food joint and stomped out angrily.
"When the hell'd he get here?" Ion asked looking in the direction of the door.
"Dumb ass!" Tyrone threw a blooper disc at Ion.
"Not my fault he's an uptight asshole." He paused, "Hey what the heck is that Sora obsessed guy doing?"
"Sora67?"
"Yeah, him."
"Something about a chicken, I stopped asking questions days ago." Colton snorted and crossed his arms. "Though if this is leading to bestiality, I am SO in."
"That's sick man, I mean what's worse than watching a Sora fan having sex with someone else? It's watching that Sora fan have sex with an animal. I mean, come on, what kinda blasphemous person takes a poor defenseless animal and rubs it in all the wrong ways? Pervs, that's what!"
"I'll pretend I didn't just silently listen to all of that." Tyrone yawned and looked over at BlueFox. "Man, what time is it?"
"I don't know. Maria shot the clock so it eternally stays at eleven fourteen."
"No clocking out then…clever bitch."
"You know, there are like 14 people at the drive thru." BlueFox noted.
"Persistent bastards." Tyrone pulled out a gun and proceeded to have a shooting frenzy into the sky, driving all customers away.
"You know, we should start answering the drive thru like it's a phone sex hotline." Sora67 suggested, popping out of nowhere, with a chicken in hand.
"As amusing as that would be, I don't think half of these bastards are hungry for that." BlueFox replied.
"She makes a valid point." Tyrone shrugged.
"Damn…" Sora67 said and silently lifted the chicken in the air and walked away.
Tyrone, BlueFox, and Ion silently watched Sora67 walk away with the chicken. All three of them looked at each other and blinked.
"That is the worst Link impression ever." BlueFox finally said.
"I know right? I mean he didn't say 'excuuuuse me, princess' nor is he wearing tights…what a sorry cosplayer." Tyrone sighed.
"I'm going over to the IFA." Ion informed and was gone before anyone attempted a protest. (Not that there would be a protest, I mean we don't work for shit.)
The front door dinged and no one looked up. There were only two possibilities of who that could be. Genesis, which was improbable because he was on Gaia 1, and Emma. Naturally it was Emma, bringing Cloud back to an appreciative group.
"Here, girls, you can have your misfit back."
"Hey Emma, why do you take him all the time?" BlueFox questioned leaning against the counter.
"Because he makes a great example of why you shouldn't have unprotected sex, of course. And he's an even better example of why you should succeed the first time you try to kill yourself. Isn't that right Sheila?" Emma fake petted Cloud's head.
Cloud lowered his head, "Yes, Emma."
"Man that bitch is so owned." Sora67 nodded, which caused the chicken perched on his head to squawk.
"I regret giving you permission to have that thing." Tyrone groaned.
"Until next time, girls, keep him." She pushed Cloud toward BlueFox.
"Have a good day Emma." Armageddon added dryly and Emma left.
"This is why we get no customers…"
"Hey guys…Genesis sent us an email!" Colton informed.
"Oh? What's it say?"
"Well it doesn't say much…There's a lot of Japanese characters and…I think that's a nazi symbol?! Anyway, it says 'Returning Soon' at the bottom."
"Holy shit, you mean he's actually coming to our world?!" BlueFox paled.
"That's crazy shit." Sora67 nodded and the chicken squawked again.
"I've had it with that fucking chicken!" Tyrone said and shot the chicken with his gun.
"MY CHICKEN! NOOOOO!"
There was a horrible grating noise coming from the back, and little sparklie stuff coating Cloud's hands as he walked out.
"The bloopers have been putt through the french fry cutter. We won't be seeing them again."
THE END!
FINALLY!!11111111oneone!!shift+11111111
So, uh… yeah. Review. Like, right now. Tell me if ya loved, or hated. If I've successfully managed to lower your IQ, if I've scarred you for life, or whatever. But please, don't bother to flame. Fill out those forms! I'd love to know!
And as for the second to last question, here are the choices:
Ways to Annoy the Casts of 7
Basically, the lists of the easiest ways to utterly get yourself on the FF7 casts' bad side…mostly humorous, and it's reviewer generated! You send in your reasons, I'll post them!
Most Likely Rating: T
Ask Zack
I haven't seen one of these ever, it's always Ask Sephiroth or Cloud or even Vincent, but never Zack! So ask Zack some of your most burning questions, or ask him for advice…though the advice won't be the best thing…
Most Likely Rating: K+ or T depending on the questions.
The Grim Reaper(s)
This one'll be under Kingdom Hearts. Starting with Marluxia, the non-Disney characters have to try their hand at telling Aerith that she's going to die that day! But her stupid luck keeps getting in the way! Can you think of anyone who can make sure she dies? I can…
Most Likely Rating: K+
Final Fantasy VII: Death Note Style
MakruTree and I have captured Light and the Death Note! Now, he is only allowed to kill the FF7 characters! There's a catch, however: he can only write down the names of those already dead! How long will it take him to crack?
Most Likely Rating: T
Kingdom Hearts: Death Note Style
MakruTree and I have captured Light and the Death Note! Now, he can only kill off the KH characters…but only with yours and our blessing! Review and say who you want to die next!
Most Likely Rating: T
Randomness Isn't All That Bad
A series of random oneshots/drabble things (kind of like Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity) for not only FF7, but 6, 8, 9, 10, 10-2, and any other game I've played requested! Come join the fun!
Most Likely Rating: T
Finally, if you want some other humorous stuff to read, there are a bunch in my favorites list! Also feel free to read my other stories!
I LOVE YOU ALL! YOU ROCK! THANX FOR ALL OF YOUR REVIEWS, AND I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN!
And here's my parting theme:
In this world you tried,
Not leaving me alone behind.
There's no other way,
I pray to the gods let him stay.
The memories cease the pain inside,
Now I know why.
All of my memories keep you near.
In silent moments,
Imagining you here.
All of my memories keep you near,
In silent whispers, silent tears
Made me promise I'd try,
To find my way back in this life.
Hope there is a way,
To give me a sign you're okay.
Reminds me again it's worth it all,
So I can go home.
All of my memories keep you near.
In silent moments,
Imagining you here.
All of my memories keep you near.
In silent whispers, silent tears.
Together in all these memories,
I see your smile.
All of the memories I hold dear.
Darling you know I'll love you,
Til the end of time.
All of my memories keep you near
In silent moments,
Imagining you here.
All of my memories keep you near,
In silent whispers, silent tears.
All of my memories...
Fans of my Zerith songfic will know this song.
Memories by Within Temptation
And oh yeah… HAVE FUN READING OTHER STUFF YOU LITTLE WORM BABIES YOU!!
Boldly going nowhere,
BlueFox