--
Everyone has their quirks. Sometimes they are helpful, sometimes they're just there, and sometimes they're bizarre and self-destructive.
Correspondent Marlene Broach liked to talk to herself as if she were typing up the article she was writing, juicy gossip and all. This was not a problem at the Hellsing wedding, because as long as she stayed out of the way, people pretty much ignored her. From this vantage point, she could see everything.
Well, that abnormally tall man dancing with Sir Hellsing had given her a look, but she figured it was her stylish new dress. It wasn't as if he could read her mind or anything.
"MB here, at the Hellsing wedding. After an eventless ceremony, I despaired that anything worth telling would happen, but fear not readers: immediately, the MC, one of Feldman's numerous cousins, Jonathan, announced rather tactlessly the 'family dances'. Of course, while the Feldmans breed like rabbits, Hellsings seem to be on the brink of extinction: only the frigid Integral remains. Interestingly enough, none of Integral's maternal relatives came. Bad blood? A broken, long-forgotten engagement from birth? Your correspondent will tell all. One would expect Integral to sit out this round of dances and finally act like a real hostess, mingle as she should, but instead she danced at least five songs with a mysterious stranger. Who is this person? A family friend? Oddly enough, despite his being well-dressed, the guests keep away from him as though in fear...what could the Hellsings be hiding? The music provided for the dance was form no other than the hot new band Millennium, whose eclectic music and appearance has garnered worldwide attention. Dressed in plain, matching black tuxedos, they play simple, classic music and seem content to stay in the background. How did Integral get them to play? Bribery, or is she a secret fan? Could she be the woman who threw herself on stage at their last concert?"
Marlene paused here to breath, and looked up to find a pair of cool blue eyes staring her down. Integra Hellsing, dressed in her wedding dress and finery, her expression distasteful, was standing right in front of her. The man Marlene had recognized was behind her. Now that Marlene was closer, she could see why the others avoided him...he was kind of...creepy.
"I don't recall inviting you to this wedding, Marlene Broach." She said calmly. "Get off my property before I have you thrown off."
"Excuse me? I have every right!" Marlene was a firm believer in her right to print and research.
"To trespass on private property? I don't think so." Integra pinched the bridge of her nose is irritation. "Now, get out of my sight lest I feel inclined to use you as target practice."
Marlene had not had the foresight to wear her bullet proof vest, and so fled, clutching her false wig with one hand and holding up her skirt with the other.
It had not gone well so far.
First the ceremony itself, which had been surprisingly nerve-wracking and had elicited gasps when she disinclined to let Eric kiss her; then all the fools who'd rushed to gape and talk at her like she was an exotic monkey; the fiasco of the family dances, and Alucard forcibly dragging her off to dance despite her protest that he sure as hell was not family; and now this idiot reporter and the inflammatory and inaccurate article she would no doubt write and publish by tomorrow.
At least she'd made no plans for a honeymoon. Suddenly paperwork was starting to sound almost pleasant.
"And now, the bride and groom will open the gifts they've so graciously given..." Eric's cousin- Jonathan? She hadn't been paying attention- was talking again.
She dragged herself over to her husband, and they sat down at a table on a raised platform so that everyone could have their chance to stare. Eric picked up a package and offered it to her, and she sighed.
"Who is this one from?" Integra asked, turning it over for a tag. It was from her new mother-in-law.
The box contained a reservation for an extremely expensive resort...in the Caribbean.
Sun. Sand. Sea. Island. The least likely place for a vampire to be, ever. On the other hand, she wouldn't be able to work for a whole week. The way her desk might look flashed through her mind, followed by the Valentine brothers, followed by...the cemetery.
Absolutely out of the question.
"This one's from my cousin Robert." Eric explained, ripped off the paper haphazardly. "He's given us a set of wineglasses, which his wife no doubt picked out."
"How nice. How many more?"
"Twenty or so, I think. Hey, this one's for you personally. It's addressed to Lady Hellsing, I thought your title was Sir..."
"Give me that. It's almost certainly from Alucard." She debated whether or not to open it, since present from Alucard tended to be hit-and-miss in terms of desirability, but her curiosity and her boredom got the best of her in the end. Maybe it would frighten away all her guests.
It was an anti-vampire grenade, the latest model from the Hellsing Research Department. This one was supposed to be harmless against humans, kill up to twenty ghouls or one, may be two vampires, as well as sanitize an area against undead temporarily. She'd been waiting impatiently for the scientists to finish so she could test it out.
"Integra? You should probably open something else, people are starting got talk and I've opened six more while you've been looking at that one...what is it exactly?"
"Exactly what I wanted." She replied, snapping the box shut. She stowed it under her chair and made to get another present.
A gunshot rang out. Without thinking, she grabbed Eric and hauled him under the table, out of the way, but there was no need. The bullet had been aimed at the wedding cake, sitting unattended in the center of the floor. Its pink and white frosting spattered over nearby guests.
The shooter was Marlene Broach, something that didn't register until Integra glimpsed her eyes and saw the pupils. They were tinted red, a sign of vampiric mind control.
Alucard!
The next one is for you. Get down.
I am down! Where's the damn vampire?
Someone screamed; Integra jumped back up, gun in hand, and saw what looked to be a young vampire holding one of the guests.
"Sara!" Eric yelled, and Integra didn't pause to think; she took aim and put a bullet into the wall near the vampire's head. She couldn't risk hitting the woman.
"You little slut! I'll kill you!" The vampire made a signal with one hand, and Marlene lifted her gun again and turned, eyes lifeless, t point it at Integra. The blonde, infuriated director ignored her and started down the podium. Alucard moved to her side.
"Alucard. Get rid of it. And don't hurt the woman, one fledgling is quite enough."
Wait until I get the guests out of here. Then kill him. Keep him busy til then.
Yes, Master. Look at his necklace.
Integra started yelling for everyone to move to the front lawn. People, frightened and confused, complied, and Integra followed them unwillingly out of the field.
The symbol? Yes, I saw. It's how he got in. Belongs to the Vatican last I heard.
It's not like the Vatican to use vampires.
A gunshot. Eric tugged at her arm; she had unwittingly started walking back toward the site of the wedding, where presumably Alucard was massacring the vampire.
No. This is something else entirely. I'll call Maxwell as soon as possible and demand an explanation.
I thought he was still in the hospital.
No, he was allowed to leave yesterday.
--
"...so figure out your security, you incompetent bastard, and then you can fling insults! Bloody idiot!" Integra hurled the phone across the room so that it hit the wall, and then laid her head down on her desk. She was still in her wedding things and had been making calls for almost two hours. It was close to midnight, there was gong to be mass information suppression that would be deemed her fault, and she broken her high heels.
She decided to call it a night and went into her bedroom, pulled a silky nightgown out of her drawer without thinking, realized what she was doing after getting dressed and crawled into bed.
It was hot, she realized belatedly and congratulated herself on the scanty nightgown.
Her eyes had just closed when a shadow blocked out the moonlight just visible through her eyelids.
"How can I sleep with you lurking in my bedroom, Alucard?" She asked, sitting up in bed. Alucard's eyes flicked downward to the low neckline on her nightdress.
"Stop that. What do you want?"
"You should be happier, Master. Isn't this the moment all little girls dream of?"
"One, I am not a little girl. Two, little girls don't dream of their wedding nights, to even ones that have experienced the crash course in sex education living with you has turned out to be. And three, no one in their right mind would dream of you invading their bedroom in the dead of night."
"Wrong!" The vampire slid one finger under her chin and forced her head up so she had to look at him. She regarded him with cool eyes. "You are still a little girl to me."
"Because you're approximately thirty centimeters taller than I am? Are you so high up that you can't tell I've grown taller?"
Without warning, Alucard snatched her out of bed and hoisted her up into the air. She glared crossly down at him, as he leered at her.
"No, you still look like a little girl, even from this angle."
"Put me down." She ordered. He complied, and she lay back down, but didn't get under the covers again. It was still insanely hot. "If I'm a little girl, why the hell do you spy on me in the shower? Have you suddenly become a child molester?"
He scowled at her, and she felt better. "Your body changes. You do not. You never will."
"Yes, we Hellsings are a stubborn lot- how else could we keep you in line? And- who the hell is outside my window?"
There was a round shadow perched outside, attempting to hide in a tree. Unfortunately, the tree was dead and had no foliage to provide cover, and the shadow was cleanly outlined by the light of the moon. Integra realized exactly why the shadow seemed familiar and groped around on her bedside table for her glasses, and then her gun.
"You're certainly in demand today, Master. First that reporter, then the vampires at the wedding, and now the Major is outside your window."
"And carrying flowers." She smelled roses. "I suppose it was too much to ask for a quiet night..."
With a thump, the Major leapt onto the window sill. He barely made it, scrambling ungainly for a perch, and his arms flapped like a rabid ducks. In the process, he dropped all his flowers onto the ground. Integra made a mental note to have them picked up and set on fire later.
"Madam Hellsing!" The Major said, his yellow eyes alight. "A good evening to you! Congratulations on your wedding!"
"If I pushed him off, would he die?" Integra asked idly. Alucard shook his head.
"That insane Major is like a cockroach: even if you crushed him, he would get back up."
"Then you crush him." She replied. "Before he starts commenting on my nightgown."
There was the sound of metal screeching, scraping, and crunching as Alucard proceeded to rip the Major's arms off as brutally and messily as possible. Nuts, bolts, and scraps littered the floor, sparkling in the moonlight. The Major coughed up oil and began yelling.
"Jealous, Alucard? Because your mistress will not accept your gifts?"
"I'd be delighted with your head." Integra snapped. "Particularly if it were in pieces."
"Your wish is my command, Master," The vampire set to work in earnest, and Integra lay back down in peace.
Somewhere along the way, she thought, carnage had become her lullaby.
--
"You lying, cheating scum!"
That was not what Integra usually awoke to. It was 'Sir Integra?' from Walter, or a zombie-summoningly loud alarm clock, or Seras throwing someone out on the grounds. Never May, June or August- most likely May- in her bedroom early in the morning.
"Damn." She muttered, moving to get up and brushing up against something that definitely wasn't supposed to be in her bed.
Pillows, blankets, a book, Alucard...ah. Alucard.
"You...you have a man in your bed! A vampire! And where's Eric? Did you have him eaten?"
"Oh, for God's sakes, shut up. It's too early for you to be this animated." That may not have been the wisest move, but Integra was not a morning person. She was forced to get up due to her strong sense of duty. Until there was tea in her stomach, a cigar in her mouth, and a task at hand, she was as likely as not to kill you for being too loud.
"You bitch!" May wailed, charging. Integra rolled out of the way and hit the brunette with a pillow. Stunned, she froze, and the Hellsing spoke.
"Eric is down the hall. Now get the hell out of my bedroom."
May fled, Integra went for a shower, and Walter left tea. He also left a 'not bomb' letter in her breakfast tray from Iscariot. Said letter was opened by a half dressed Integra, stabbed, shot at, and then crumpled in fury.
"Bastard! Idiot! Thrice-damned incompetent fool, oh, I'll kill him this time, I'll rend him limb from-"
"I'm trying to sleep here, Master, not that I don't appreciate your ranting-"
"Shut up! You have a damn coffin, so use it or get used to the noise! Maxwell- he called the Round Table and told them I was unstable! THEY'RE MAKING ME GO ON A HONEYMOON!"
Alucard's response was to cover his head with a pillow. Integra threw her lamp at him.
"I heard a crash, Sir Integra, is everything..." Walter trailed off. "I suppose you read the letter?"
"Yes." Her voice was cold and blank, lacking the passion she'd displayed seconds ago. "Pack my suitcase. Include the things Seras gave me for Christmas. And tell Eric."
--
Somewhere else, Maxwell read his doctor's note with glee...'patient is advised to take a relaxing vacation, preferably in the sun...'
"Caribbean cruise, here I come."
--
Yes, two at once is a little weird, but hey! I had it all written! After rewatching the original Hellsing anime and then my newly-bought OVAS, I have to say: did the people who did the first one not realize Alucard is indestructible? Because he is. Really. No one ever kills him...he makes it all the way to the final chapter of Hellsing...all his enemies pretty much die awful deaths. Yet he seems to temporarily be stopped by decapitation in the Hellsing series...
So, about the fic: what's next? The cruise...of evil...boats tend to die in the manga, and I see no reason to break with tradition...
Also, blatant AxI is happiness. Shut up! Chapter 95 made it canon!