All characters still belong to JK.
A/N: Thanks to my lovely reviewers—notwritten, duj, Looks Far Woman, debjunk, KatyaX. You all keep me going!
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I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've been discharged from St. Mungo's, with an appointment to go back in a week to start treatments, and we're back in our flat. Only I don't ever want to leave here again.
Severus was quiet as he Aparated us home. I had to side-along because I can't do that sort of thing on my own anymore. When we got home, I went straight to bed.
I'm camped out in our bedroom now, with all the curtains pulled shut, and the lights dimmed. I even put the clock away in the drawer so I don't have to look at the time. I mean, what's the point? I spend my time crying, or staring into space, or sleeping. And I don't even have Inanna anymore. My parents offered to take her so Severus and I could have some "space" while we talk about everything. Severus agreed.
I'm not sure how long I've been here. I don't know if it's day or night. I don't ask Severus and he doesn't tell me. He tried to talk to me about my diagnosis, but I didn't want to talk about it. So he held me instead. But not all the time--sometimes I'm here alone, and I lay here and stare through the dark at the ceiling.
Severus conjures food and brings it to me, but I can barely touch it. I'm too upset. So I ask him, "We've been happy together, haven't we?" I'm desperate for some reassurance.
"Yes, but it's not over yet."
At that I burst into tears again. He slides into bed next to me and I crawl into his arms.
"I'm so, so sorry," I sob against his chest.
"There's nothing for you to apologize for."
"Yes, there is. I'm sorry I'm putting you through all this again."
"Again? Hermione, would you kindly explain what you're talking about?"
"First you lose Lily and now you're going to lose me."
He pauses for a long time before he speaks. "Hermione, listen to me, and listen to me carefully. I lost Lily, but not in the way you think. When I gave my memories to Potter, they were lost to me. They're no longer mine. She's no longer part of my memories."
"I don't understand. You do remember Lily."
"Yes. I remember Lily. I remember that we were friends. I remember that I loved her once. But it feels like I'm remembering something that happened to somebody else, as if I read it in a book, rather than as if I lived it. Her memories are lost to me."
Now it's my turn to be quiet. Then, "Severus?"
"Hmm?"
"Promise me?"
"What?"
"Don't give my memory away, for any reason."
His whole body stiffens, then he gets up and leaves abruptly, without a word or a backward glance. I don't know what to think.
He's gone for a long time, or maybe it only seems like it because I don't know what time it is. But when he does come back I'm waiting for him, and I'm angry because he left me.
"Promise me!" I shout at him from the bed. I'm still lying down, but my arms are crossed. "Promise me you won't give my memory away!"
He stares at me for a moment, then takes his wand and flicks it at the lamps, making the room bright.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I ask.
Then he points it at the drapes. One by one, they twitch open.
"Stop it!" I yell I'm sitting up now.
"No." And he walks over to the bed, and pulls the covers off me.
I'm furious now. "How dare you. Give me back my blanket."
"No."
Is that all he can say? No? I wish I had my magic back. I wish I could work a wand again. I'd settle him real fast. But I don't have any powers anymore. So I swing my legs out of bed and stomp over to the window and tug at the drapes, but he's done some sort of sticking spell and they won't close. I whirl around and face him. He has his arms crossed, and he's staring a challenge at me.
"Is this how you treat your sick wife?" I fume.
At that he bounds across the room at me, and grabs my upper arms, making me gasp.
"I've had enough of this talk--and you've done enough feeling sorry for yourself."
I'm struggling to get away from him. I'm too angry to want him to touch me. "Don't you think I'm entitled to feel a little sorry for myself?"
"No. I won't let you wallow in self-pity anymore. You've wallowed long enough. Now you're going to rejoin the living if I have to force you every step of the way. And don't think I won't hesitate to Levicorpus you out of that bed if you refuse."
I'm not struggling anymore. It's no use--he's too strong for me. But I can still use my mouth. "You're nothing more than a bully, you know that? You're so mean you won't even try to understand how I must feel right now. You weren't diagnosed terminal at the age of twenty-two."
He lets go my arms and walks over to the bureau. He turns so I can't see his face. "May I remind you that when I was your age, I worked as a double agent for Albus Dumbledore at the end of the first War. There wasn't a moment that death didn't stand at my shoulder. Then I did it all over again during the Second War. And in the end death got me--you were there in the Shrieking Shack, so you know."
"Yes...well..." I stammer. He has a point but I don't want to admit it. "But you weren't really dead because you were revived. Besides, I have no hope of that. I am sick. I am dying. And when death comes for me, I won't be coming back."
He rounds on me. "I don't want to hear that anymore, you hear me? You have to fight this thing."
I laugh and it sounds harsh. "There's nothing to fight for. You heard the healers, this Artinem's Syndrome is fatal in every case."
"Nothing to fight for? What about Inanna? Don't you want to see her grow up? What about you? You have your whole life ahead of you..."
"But I don't! I have two years, tops! The healers said so."
"What do healers know?" He asks scornfully.
"They know about healing. And they know they can't heal me."
He crosses the room to me, and tilts my face up to his. He's more gentle now, even though he's still angry. But I realize that he's not angry at me, only at my illness. "Forget what the healers say. I'm not going to give up on you. You and I can fight this thing together."
I look in his eyes. He looks so determined that I start to feel a glimmer of hope. "Do you really think so?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll fight it. Under one condition."
"What?"
"That you promise me you won't give my memory away."
"Oh, Hermione..."
"I mean it, Severus. I won't be forgotten like Lily. I won't be lost to you that way..."
"I only gave that memory away because I was dying and I thought it would do more good to give it to Potter than to keep it for myself."
"I understand. But you are not to do that with me. Don't give it to anybody else--not even Inanna--no matter how tempted you are, or no matter how good a reason. There is no good enough reason. Promise me, or I won't cooperate with you. You can Levicorpus me, but you'll have to put me under the Imperious Curse to make me cooperate."
It's an awful thing to say to him, almost like threatening suicide, but I don't regret saying it. "You never did get over being an insufferable know-it-all, did you?" He growls.
"Yeah. And you never got over being a git."
He raises an eyebrow at me. "Fine. You win. I won't give your memory away. I promise."