I've never really been to something that qualifies as a picnic. So . . . I guess you could say I'm living through this story. Ha.
"Come on, hurry up!" Tsunade bellowed over her shoulder, scowling at the three males behind her.
"They're such whiners," she muttered under her breath. "All I ask is that we spend a nice day outside, have a picnic, and they act like I asked to rip their fingernails off. Men," she spat, glaring daggers at them.
Behind her, lagging behind, Jiraiya groaned. "Master, why'd you let Tsunade do this to us?" Now, instead of looking up at Master Sarutobi, he now looked down on him – that was how short Master was. But, Jiraiya was fourteen, and he was kind of . . . well, huge.
"Oh, stop complaining, Jiraiya!" Master Sarutobi chided him gently, prodding him in the back. "Her intentions are completely harmless. . . ." Despite his words, Sarutobi was eyeing Tsunade's back with uneasiness. "Jiraiya," he hissed, elbowing Jiraiya meaningfully, "don't make her mad! She's in a somewhat pleasant mood! Don't spoil this for her! She's always tagging along with us three men, we have to hand her the reigns sometimes!"
Orochimaru was silent, but nodded, making a face. He was nearly the same height as Sarutobi now, as was Tsunade. It made Sarutobi a little sad to see how quickly his students were growing, but it depressed him even further as it dawned on him how short he really was.
Tsunade was really growing impatient. She whirled around, facing her team, and bellowed, "I will come back there and tie all of you up and drag you to this picnic if I have to! Now MOVE!"
"Yes, please," Jiraiya whispered, his eyes bright.
With a tight smile, Master Sarutobi smacked Jiraiya on the back of the head, hard, while calling to Tsunade, "That's not necessary, Tsunade, we'll be there in just a moment!" He glared at Jiraiya and snarled, "She is going to hear you one of these days and she will beat the living daylights out of you!"
A cocky grin spread across Jiraiya's face and he whispered, "I look forward to it! Hey, Tsunade!" he yelled, throwing the red-and-white checked blanket he carried at Orochimaru and waving his arms. "I'm surprised you can walk so fast! Shouldn't gravity slow you down?" he called, winking hugely at her.
"You moron," Orochimaru sighed, backing out of the way as Tsunade charged Jiraiya, who let out a maniacal laugh and started running at Tsunade.
"Jiraiya!" Sarutobi snarled, his hands clutching his hair. "Do you want to die?!"
"Master, I believe it in our best interest if we step away," Orochimaru said quietly, watching Tsunade run closer and closer to Jiraiya, who had stopped running and was standing as still as a statue, like he wanted Tsunade to hit him.
"Orochimaru, please --!" Sarutobi pleaded, not in the mood to half drag Jiraiya's body, which would soon be a corpse, to the hospital. Orochimaru sighed and nodded, disappearing on the spot.
Just as Tsunade's fist was about to sail into Jiraiya's grinning face, Orochimaru appeared between the two, catching Tsunade's fist in his hand and holding out his other hand to stop her.
"Orochimaru, move!" Tsunade snarled, while Jiraiya applauded behind Orochimaru.
"Thanks, man," Jiraiya chortled, patting Orochimaru on the back. "Knew you'd stop her."
Tsunade was attempting to shove Orochimaru out of her way when Sarutobi, who had moved at the same time as Orochimaru, grabbed Tsunade's arms and held them fast behind her back.
"Master --!" Tsunade cried, turning her head to see the old man. "But you heard what he said to me! You're gonna let him get away with that?!"
Master Sarutobi sighed. He was getting very tired of this. Of course, one of his boys would be a pervert, while his only girl was a pervert's dream. He knew very well Tsunade could take care of herself, but Jiraiya was never going to stop.
"Orochimaru, thank you, and please step aside," Sarutobi said calmly, his eyes cold and fixed on Jiraiya's face. "Jiraiya. . . ."
"Aww, come on, Master! I was just having a bit of fun! For all you know, I could have been talking about the basket Tsunade was carrying!" Jiraiya shot Tsunade a look, which made it quite clear he had not been talking about the basket she'd been carrying.
"We all know you weren't, Jiraiya. Which is why I'm going to let Tsunade hit you just once, but I am going to let her hit you as hard as she likes. I've told you countless times to keep your dirty mouth shut, and do you listen? No. Of course not. So now you suffer the consequences."
"Wha--? Master, you've gotta be --!"
But Master Sarutobi was not joking. He let go of Tsunade, whose face was dripping with evil intent, and Jiraiya's words were cut short. Tsunade, who had gathered all her Chakra in her right knee when Master said he was going to let her hit Jiraiya, was in action the moment she'd been released.
Tsunade smiled an awful smile while she clamped her hands onto Jiraiya's broad shoulders. At the same time, she lifted her right foot off the ground, bent her knee, and swung it upward, right into Jiraiya's gut.
The moment her knee hit his stomach, she released his shoulders, so that when he flew backward 100 yards, she wouldn't be yanked along for the ride.
Jiraiya smashed into the ground 100 yards away, and skidded for another 50, coughing up blood the whole time. At least five broken ribs, possibly a ripped organ. "Damn," he gasped, lying flat on his back, holding his mid-riff with both hands, trying not to moan with pain.
Tsunade let out a string of curses under her breath and turned on her heel, satisfied. She shot a charming smile at Sarutobi. "Thank you so much, Master Sarutobi," she said sweetly, walking back to where she'd dropped her picnic basket.
Back where he lay, Jiraiya made as to sit up, and collapsed with a yell. Tsunade looked over her shoulder at him and frowned. "That's a shame. Someone'll have to fix him up. Shall we get going, then?" she called to Sarutobi and Orochimaru.
Orochimaru and Sarutobi shared a look, and Orochimaru shrugged and set off to join Tsunade. Sarutobi, however, motioned for the two to wait, and walked off to where Jiraiya was.
When he reached his student, Sarutobi squatted next to him. "Well, Jiraiya, are you happy now?" Sarutobi asked, gently probing Jiraiya's ribcage, feeling for broken ribs. He counted five and sighed.
"Jiraiya," he said, "if you walk all the way to the picnic spot like this, I'm positive Tsunade will heal you. And if she doesn't want to, I'll make her. Okay?"
Jiraiya numbly nodded, gritting his teeth. He set his mouth and slowly climbed to his feet, his face betraying how much pain he was in. "Let's go," Jiraiya gasped, clutching his stomach.
The walk to the picnic was slow. Orochimaru and Tsunade walked up front, while Master Sarutobi and Jiraiya ambled behind, Sarutobi helping Jiraiya when Tsunade wasn't looking.
When they finally reached the spot, Tsunade sighed and left Orochimaru to go to Jiraiya. She eyed him stonily but said, "I'll heal you since you walked all this way. But any more cracks, and it'll be ten times worse than broken ribs and a split organ. Got it?" she demanded, glaring at him. Jiraiya nodded weakly, about to collapse from the pain, which he had done several times on the journey.
After Tsunade healed Jiraiya, they set up the picnic under the shade of a big oak tree. Jiraiya was as obnoxious as ever, but he was quite polite to Tsunade, and didn't make another rude remark to her.
When Orochimaru was handing out the rice balls, Jiraiya suddenly asked, "Tsunade, why do you like to hit people so much? I'm honestly not trying to be a jerk, I'm just curious!" he added hastily, seeing the dark look that crossed Tsunade's face.
Tsunade examined her red fingernails while she pondered the question. "Well, most of the time it's only perverts like you that I hit. But I dunno . . . I guess it's a way to get respect. People don't mess with me. Except idiots like you, of course, " she added nastily, scowling at Jiraiya, who grinned sheepishly.
"Okay. I was just wondering. Thanks," Jiraiya mumbled, suddenly very interested in the caterpillar next to him.
All of a sudden, Tsunade's face felt very hot. It had gotten way too personal. She had to find a reason to set things back to normal. Her eyes lighted upon her rice ball, and she was suddenly glad it was Jiraiya who had bought them.
"Who bought these rice balls?" she asked in a deadly whisper, looking at her rice ball.
"I-I did, Tsunade. Wh-why?" Jiraiya asked, leaning slightly away from her.
"Did I or did I not," Tsunade continued in the same scary whisper, "specifically tell you that I wanted it to be oval shaped?" she lied, slowly bringing her eyes up to stare straight into Jiraiya's, which were widened in fear.
"Oval . . . shaped?" he said faintly, beginning to inch closer and closer to Master Sarutobi, who was watching Tsunade warily.
"Yes, oval shaped," Tsunade breathed, looking so angry that even Orochimaru leaned away. She had, of course, not requested to have an oval shaped rice ball. But she needed to get mad at Jiraiya for something.
"I . . . I really . . . d-don't remember. . . ." Jiraiya whispered, looking completely terrified. Tsunade was fixing her face and voice to seem so scary, she even scared herself a little bit.
"YOU DON'T REMEMBER?! IS THAT SO?! WELL, WHAT IF I DIDN'T REMEMBER MY HEALING SKILLS?! THEN WHAT?! YOU'D BE IN SOME BIG TROUBLE THEN, WOULDN'T YOU?! OH YEAH, LET'S ALL TAKE FOR GRANTED HOW HARD TSUNADE WORKS TO REMEMBER HOW TO REPAIR ORGANS AND MEND SKULLS! BUT WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO REMEMBER ANYTHING FOR HER! OF COURSE NOT! WHY SHOULD WE CONSIDER HER FOR JUST A MOMENT?!"
Jiraiya was now on his feet and running away, and, grinning to herself, Tsunade leaped up and chased after him, screaming profanities and curses at his fleeing back. Orochimaru sat, open mouthed, watching the two, and Master Sarutobi actually keeled over sideways on the blanket, hands over his face.
"Orochimaru," he moaned, the screams of Jiraiya in the distance, and the bellows of Tsunade chasing him, "what are we going to do?!"
"Well, Master," Orochimaru said in a bewildered tone, "we sure as hell better remember that Tsunade likes oval shaped rice balls."