January, Day 14, 3:15 a
January, Day 14, 3:15 a.m.
I lie in bed wide awake, listening to my daughter's agonized screams and cries, knowing there's nothing I can do about it. It had been four months, and nothing had changed… She had not changed. Sometimes I wonder if she'll ever be the same again, my Bella. She needed him like a drug; I could see that, no matter how much I didn't want to. She loved him, and he left her. A surge of anger coursed through my veins at that thought. But as my anger faded, helplessness took its place. I was no help to Bella. There was nothing I could do for her now. Sending her to Renee' was one option, but I couldn't bear the thought of Bella leaving me. But maybe Jacksonville would be the right place for her. I could put her on medication… No, that would only hurt her more. What could I do for her? Let her live the rest of her life in heartache and pain? I can't put her through that. Guess I'll just have to try to talk to her, but that might not be good for either of us. Talking about our feelings is not one of our strong points. I can see how much she tries, but how much pain she's in at the same time. It hurts to know that she tries so hard, just for me. My eyes are watering now as I think about her, how she used to be and how she is now. She's just dead. No life at all, just like a zombie. Her eyes are hollowed out now, no sparkle of life in them at all. And when something came on TV, which we don't watch anymore, that would remind her of him, she would flinch and her arms would go around her middle as if she were holding herself together… I'm completely clueless. I mean sure, I went through this myself, but not of this magnitude. As the days go by, she will never change.