January 14, 4:30 a.m.
I awoke the next morning to the sound of ragged, gasping breaths. Thoroughly alarmed, I bolt up in my bed, thinking of Charlie and his age…I quickly shake my head devoid of those unpleasant thoughts and stop my breathing. The only thing I hear, besides my pulse pounding in my ears, is Charlie's soft snoring in the next room. I silently give a sigh of relief, as realization hits that the raspy breathing belongs to me.
After I calm myself from my latest nightmare, I swivel my head to look at my clock. Its numbers read 4:37 in bright, neon green lights. Ugh is the first coherent thought in my head as I process the time of day. Not enough time to go back to sleep, not that I'd really want to, but there's too much spare time for thinking. I hated spare time, and it always ended up the same way. A dry, humorless laugh made its way through my cracked, pale lips, startling me. I usually wasn't this cynical in the morning… Was I? I plopped back down on my pillow with a huff, at a loss at what to do.
Charlie usually woke up around five for work, so that gave me about an hour and twenty-three minutes to kill. Ifonly I could kill them, the voice on the back of my head spoke up. Oh hush I told myself for the unnecessary negativity. After a few minutes of thinking, I jumped out of my bed and walked quietly and quickly to my closet, keeping the big, black garbage bag out of my sight. I rummaged around for a few minutes and finally found what I was looking for: A small, black CD case, a CD player, and headphones. I scooped them up into my arms and made my way to the bed, stumbling clumsily all the way there.
I set them down gently on my bed-side table and sat cross-legged in the center of the bed. I reach for the case and pick a random disc and put it in the player. After putting it in and turning the volume all the way up, I put on the headphones and wait for it to start. Not long after turning it on, the familiar tune of 'Helena' by My Chemical Romance meets my ears. I smile; I love this song and this band. They always had a way of making me feel, not completely fine, but alright again. After a few repetitions of the disc, I glance at the clock again. 6:05. I sigh longingly and turn off my player, 'I'm Not Okay' still rummaging around in my head. I put the player and CD back down on the table and continue my normal morning routine.
Later That Morning
I stand in the center of the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal before going to school. I shudder at another empty day. One of looks and stares and whispers. Even my so-called 'friends' do it. I can tell that Mike doesn't like talking about it, I know he knows that I can hear every word they're saying, but he doesn't want to be signaled out. I don't want him to have to place his loyalty either. I take a look at the microwave clock and I only have ten more minutes to get to school. I put my bowl in the sink and run water in it, grab my backpack and head out the door. I put the key in my pocket and make my way slowly to the car, careful not to trip on the ice on the ground. I shove the key in the ignition and turn it until my truck roars to life. I slowly push down the gas pedal and start a slow drive to hell.
My eyes stay locked on the rode, looking for any particularly dangerous-looking ice patches. I finally got to school seven minutes later, leaving only three minutes for me to get to homeroom. As the thunderous sound of my truck approaches, people turn to stare. Not at my truck, at me, with looks of pity plastered on every face turned in my direction. My face heats up out of embarrassment and anger, my traitor eyes betraying me once again as hot moisture builds up in the corner of them. I get out of my truck and walk quickly away, keeping my eyes down on the ground, ignoring the whispers swirling around me.
I feel their eyes on my back, even after I enter the building. I turn down the hall to my first class, and everyone there seems to stop their conversations also. I ignore them and sit down quietly, waiting for the day to start.
This is how it goes.