As they entered the chapel, Harry excused himself to use the restroom. He was just finishing up washing when his uncle entered. Not wanting to be alone with the man for too long, he quickly dried his hands. As he was heading for the door, a hand grabbed his arm.
"Who do you think you are having your freaky friends impersonate celebrities? How dare you make a mockery of Marge's funeral," he growled out.
"I don't… I didn't even know them. I swear Uncle Vernon. I'm s…" Harry stuttered.
"You're what? You're sorry. No, you are not. But you will be when I get through with you."
He slammed Harry against the wall and held him there with his hand at Harry's throat. Before his head connected with the wall causing his vision to blur, Harry thought he saw a mass of black cloth to his right. He heard, rather than saw, the curse that hit his uncle and sent him flying into the opposite wall, cracking the tile on impact. Harry sank to his knees, gasping for breath.
When his head cleared, he looked up and saw Snape standing in front of him, glaring at the lump that was his Uncle.
"Yo…" He croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Did you kill him?"
"No. Just Stupified. I did not want to explain to the Ministry why I killed him."
"That's good because I wouldn't want to explain to Aunt Petunia why you killed him."
Harry laughed as Snape tried to suppress a grin.
"I suppose we should wake him now," Harry said when he regained his composure.
"Hmm, yes, I imagine we should."
"Shall I or do you want to?"
"I think it would be best if I handled your uncle. You need to get back to your seat before any one starts looking for you."
"Oh, um alright. You're not going to ki…" Harry asked, thinking back to the professor's early threat.
"No. I will return him to his family in one piece. Mostly." Harry looked up at him and saw the smirk that meant he probably was not joking.
"Right. I'll just go get our seats," Harry said as he backed away towards the door. As he was leaving, he heard Snape talking to his uncle.
"I believe we discussed what would happen should you lay a hand on Mr. Potter…"
The door closed and all he heard was a soft, muffled voice. He quickly made his way back to his seat. He had just sat down across the aisle from his aunt and cousin when he saw Professor Snape strolling towards him. His uncle was nowhere in sight.
When the professor sat down next to him, he decided to find out what happened in the bathroom.
"You promised not to kill him."
"And I didn't."
"Then where is he?"
"He should be making his way here shortly."
"What's wrong with him?"
Snape pretended not to hear the question. A woman began to play hymns on the piano, and Harry saw his uncle gingerly making his way to the side of his family. He sat down painfully and squirmed a bit as if uncomfortable. Harry looked at Snape. The professor calmly brushed his hand down the front of his robes and ignored Harry's stare. Finally, Harry cleared his throat in an effort to gain his professors' attention. With a sigh, Snape decided it was best to explain.
"It looks to me as though the man may have a small case of boils."
"Boils? How would that have happened?"
"Possibly because I cursed him."
"You cursed a Muggle, during a family funeral when there are probably a dozen Aurors present."
"No, I cursed a whale who deserved to be uncomfortable during the funeral of someone who made your life miserable. And there are only four Aurors here at present."
"How did you know?" Harry asked, looking around to see if anyone was listening to the two of them.
"I saw what that woman did to you during our Occlumency lessons, in case you have forgotten."
"No, not that. About the Aurors?" he asked.
"Because if you look closely, you can see that they all have a Notice-Me-Not spell on them."
"You can see through the spell?"
"When one spies for more than twenty years, one picks up a few things here and there. I can tell you that there are six wizards here using the spell, and two of them are not Aurors."
"Then who are they?" Harry asked.
Snape was about to answer when the minister began the services. Harry nudged him. Snape turned and glared before quietly answering him.
"Judging by the hideous perfume, I would say Miss Brown and her wizard of the week."
"Lavender. What is …?"
Snape glared at him again and nodded his head to the front of the church where the minister was still speaking. He turned and tried to pay attention. After hearing the minister remark on Marge's caring and compassion for helping orphan children, he decided he had heard enough and tuned the rest out. His thoughts drifted to why all these people were here to see him.
He knew that the Wizarding world wanted to thank him for what he had done. He knew he should allow them to, but he just wanted to finish school and start his life. He had lived for everyone else for so long that he just wanted to slip off into obscurity.
Instead he was here, so his relatives could use him to get back into the good graces of the neighborhood. The Wizarding world was no better. The witches and wizards that mailed him treated him as a celebrity. Someone they could tell their grandkids they had met once or use his name to impress their friends.
And then there were people like Lavender. They weren't exactly friends. True, she had dated his best friend for a time, but she only spoke to Harry when it could improve her image. So was this just another way for her to impress people, and how did she even get permission from the Ministry to be here.
Harry felt Snape nudge him. He looked up and noticed everyone standing to sing. He followed suit. After the song and another prayer, the minister informed everyone that the family would be receiving visitors at their house starting in an hour. The rows of people began to file forward to pay their last respects.
A few high ranking officials with the Ministry of Magic came over and spoke with Harry and Snape as most of the rest of the congregation went over to the Dursleys. After a few minutes, the church cleared, and he was left with just Snape, the Dursleys, Mrs. Polkiss and her son, Piers.
He was just about to leave when Lavender and her friend appeared at the back of the room and started walking towards them. He looked over at the Dursleys. Neither they nor the Polkiss' seemed to notice two people appearing out of nowhere.
When they got closer, Harry heard Snape muttering something under his breath.
"What?" Harry asked.
"I am just surprised I didn't recognize the magical signature of Miss Brown's friend."
Harry looked at the man walking with his old classmate. He looked familiar, but Harry was sure he did not attend Hogwarts.
"Do you know him?"
"Yes. I was his summer tutor for the last several years."
"Summer tutor?"
"It was not feasible for him to attend Hogwarts, and his parents wanted to be assured he had the best tutors possible so he could pass his N.E.W.T.s."
"Why wasn't it feasible for him to go to Hogwarts?" Harry asked.
Before Snape could answer, the man in question was in front of them and answered for him.
"Because a member of the Royal Family cannot disappear for most of his teenage years. Professor Snape, it is good to see you," he said.
"Pleasure to see you, as well," Snape said as they shook hands with each other. Harry felt like a fish. His jaw dropped open when he realized who Lavender's date was. Harry was too shocked to say anything.
"Hello, Harry. Professor Snape," Lavender said.
Harry vaguely heard Snape and the couple speaking. He was still trying to get his head around the fact that Lavender's date happened to be royalty.
"You're Lord Fredrick," Harry managed to say after a few moments.
"Please call me Freddie," he said, reaching out to shake Harry's hand. "I hate being called by my title when I am trying to blend into the Wizarding world. It's bad enough I am a member of the Royal family. In the Muggle world, I am barely able to have a life without people thinking they know me. In the Wizarding world, I just like to be me."
Harry knew how he felt.
"So you are a Muggle-born, then?" Harry asked.
"Not exactly. There are quite a few witches and wizards in the family, and just as many Squibs. We try to keep it quiet. That is why the professors come to us. It is something that both of the ministries worked out several generations ago.
"Professor Snape was always my favorite. I made it a game to see if I could crack his mask."
Harry laughed, and Snape just glared at the lot of them.
"I see your manners have not improved any since the last time we met. Let's hope your behavior has. I would hate to have to speak on your behalf again in front of the Ministry," Snape said.
"Whatever would I do without you and your glowing recommendations, Professor," Freddie said the sarcasm evident in his voice. Freddie then turned to Harry.
"Enough about me. I am here to pass on the thanks from the Royal family blah, blah, blah. I am sure you hear enough of this and don't really want me to continue."
Harry nodded. If anyone could understand how it felt to be fawned over, he was sure Freddie knew. Harry was just about to say so when he heard a screeching noise coming from his aunt. He had forgotten that they were still present. He knew that they had just realized who Harry was talking too. He turned to his relatives, reminding himself he was not allowed to hex them no matter what they said or did to embarrass him.
Vernon was coming towards him with a gleam in his eyes that could only mean one thing. Vernon was about to exploit this for his benefit in some way. Luckily for Harry, the doors opened up at that moment and two men walked into the church. They were closely followed by two other men in suits that could only be some sort of security force. As the men made their way up the rows of pews, two Aurors materialized from under their charms and followed behind them.
It was Kingsley Shacklebolt. Harry was not really surprised to see him; he had expected that he would come. He was accompanied by a man that Harry thought looked familiar. He was a Muggle and dressed in a suit. He looked to be in his late forties, early fifties, with graying hair. As they got closer, he realized it was the Muggle Prime Minister. Harry was beginning to wonder if his day could get any more bizarre.
At the sight of the approaching entourage, Vernon stopped moving. It was as if he was frozen in disbelief. When the two Aurors appeared, Mrs. Polkiss let out a scream that could be heard three towns away and promptly fainted away. Her son was too stunned to even attempt to catch her and let her fall to the floor. Petunia face was a mixture of horror and triumph. Harry knew that she was thinking how the appearance of these people at the funeral of a family member would boost their standing with the people in the neighborhood.
Snape saw the look and knew it too. He quietly moved closer to the Dursleys. By the time the Minister and the PM had reached Harry, he had silently cast a few Obliviates (on Petunia, Mrs. Polkiss and Piers), and placed Vernon, Petunia, Mrs. Polkiss and Piers under sleeping charms. He gestures for Dudley, to follow him and he rejoined the group standing by Harry.
After the greetings, Kingsley turned to Snape. "Please, tell me you did not cast Obliviates on four Muggles in my presence. I would hate to have an inquiry about it."
Harry was trying hard not to laugh. The gleeful look in Snape's eye wasn't one many could see. He hid it too well. Harry had seen it a time or two in the past few months they had become friends. It usually meant the professor was up to something.
"I did not cast four Obliviates. It was only three, and they would not have been necessary if your security forces were a bit more careful about how they remove their charms. Why does the Ministry insist on teaching them the spells, if they refuse to show them how to use them properly?" Snape was referring to the two Aurors that allowed the Polkiss' to see them appear from nowhere.
"Then why cast the charm on Mrs. Dursley? She knows about us," Kingsley asked.
"Revenge."
Harry could not help himself. The laughter he had been holding in escaped. When all eyes turned to him, he looked to Dudley for help. Dudley was too busy laughing himself.
"Is someone going to explain?" Kingsley asked.
"Fine. The Dursleys invited Mr. Potter here today in order to use him to get on their neighbors' good side. It seems the inhabitants of Little Whinging were displeased with Mr. and Mrs. Dursley once they learned how Mr. Potter was treated in their home. When Dursley saw Lord Frederick, he was already calculating how to use his presence to help him and his wife get back in the good graces of their neighbors. When the two of you strolled in, he was so full of thoughts of parading both Lord Frederick and the PM through town to his house that I could hear him jumping up and down in his head."
"That still doesn't explain why you Obliviated everyone but him."
"I think that the professor is hoping that once he wakes them all up, Vernon will swear that he saw them both, and since no one else saw them, they won't believe him. Not even his wife," Harry said. Snape just stood there with his arms crossed in front of him. His face was void of expression, but the gleeful look was still present in his eye. Harry knew that Vernon was likely to get more than just a little humiliation from this. Snape was likely planning other inventive ways to torture his uncle.
"And what about young Mr. Dursley?" Kingsley questioned.
"Harry and I have made our peace. I hope that we will be able to be friends in the future, once I have made up for all the things I did to him when I was a child. I will not be a part of my parents' plans to use him," Dudley said.
Harry turned and put a hand on Dudley's shoulder. "We are friends, and we will learn to be family."
Snape mumbled something that sounded like 'blubbering idiots.' Harry and the others laughed. Harry was beginning to enjoy himself, something he hadn't have expected to do when he'd agreed to come to the funeral. It was nice to be around people again. It felt good to laugh and joke.
There would always be people out there that would try to use him because of who they thought he was. The savior of the Wizarding world. The Chosen One. But there were also people who wanted to know him because of who he was, the scrawny kid with glasses who grew into a confident man surrounded by people who he loved and who loved him back.
Harry and Snape remained friends throughout the years. Every so often when they would get together, Snape would complain about the latest trouble that Lord Freddie had found himself in. Harry would always say, "I thought I was the only student that could drive you to complain for hours at a time."
Vernon spent the next twenty years swearing to anyone who would listen that on the day of his sister's funeral, the Prime Minister and Lord Freddie had come to see him. After five years, his wife, tired of listening to him, began to drink heavily in order to block out his voice. The children on Privet Dr. referred to him as 'the crazy old coot', who told fantastic stories about witches and wizards. Their parents tried to keep the children away from him. They all thought the lost of his sister had made him lose his mind. He was never quite the same after her death.
Dudley eventually placed both of them in a home. During one of his visits to them, he noticed the unusual amount of canned chipped beef in the pantry and nothing else. He decided they needed someone to care for them.
When Vernon passed away, it was reported that his last words were, "I swear I saw them."
Harry, Dudley, Snape, Freddie, Kingsley and the Prime Minister all attended his funeral. They were the only six people present. Afterwards they went to Diagon Alley and drank to his memory. When Harry asked, Snape finally told Harry what he did to Vernon's tea all those years ago.
"It was a simple little potion that caused his bits to shrivel up and breasts to form. I suspect he became heavy to cover up the fact that the breasts never fully went away."
A/N: That's it. The end. Don't take it seriously. It was just a story for a prompt that made me smile when I thought about it. I hope it made you smile too. Thank you.