Disclaimer: Never will.
Note: Nothing to add.
---
Everyone dreams. Dreams of flying, dreams of falling, dreams of running, dreams of dying, dreams of quiet meadows, dreams of gushing streams, dreams of waving grass, dreams of roaring seas, dreams of brilliant skies, dreams of lush forests, dreams of gathering clouds; dreams of just about anything, really.
Natsuki had dreams too. When she was young, she dreamt of being a veterinarian – if Duran ever got sick, she could cure him, and she could heal all the other animals too. But then she grew a bit older, and realised that being a veterinarian was a bit farfetched considering her patience for education.
She then dreamt of racing, motorcycles, wealth, fame, and world championships. She would participate in all the races, and emerge victorious from all of them – she had planned everything already, from rookie to expert. But then she grew just a bit older than older, and realised that she could never afford the preparation fees.
The incident occurred, and Natsuki then dreamt of revenge. She would seek out her mother's murderers, destroy the entire organization, and bury their members' faces into the bitter pit of redemption. But then she grew older than just a bit older than older, and realised that Shizuru had fulfilled her wishes.
Once, Natsuki gripped her sheets strongly, mumbled determined words, gritted her teeth, and woke up in the morning to feel weary.
Now, Natsuki thrashes in her sleep, fights the covers, breaks out in cold sweat, and wakes up in the morning to feel completely drained.
Once, Natsuki dreamed of the impossible.
Now, Natsuki had only one dream left.
Once, Natsuki wasted her time dreaming of veterinarians, winning trophies, and payback.
Now, Natsuki wastes her time dreaming of her most precious person.
So tell me, Shizuru – do you dream of me too?
---
So Tell Me
She once thought that love was fickle.
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"I don't love you."
"Oh? I know that."
Her husband pulled an amiable, if somewhat shaky, smile. Shizuru looked beyond his neat spectacles, into his eyes, and saw a shred of expectation. He sighed, a wavering breath. He removed his glasses from their seat on the bridge of his nose and fished out a cloth from his pocket, wiping the lenses calmly.
"That face. It's as much a wall as a window – do you think I do not see your excited smile, reserved for when only the phone rings? Your vibrant eyes as both of you converse on the phone? Your affectionate tone?"
Shizuru dared not breathe.
"… They should make a law against it, y'know? That people can't marry unless both of them truly love each other."
He chuckled glumly, unable to hide the sourness of his voice – as if he was cracking a joke that even he found distasteful himself. Shizuru tried smiling politely, at a loss whether to laugh with relief or cry with guilt. She chose to keep miserably silent instead, watching her husband with an apologetic gaze.
"He better be worth it."
"She."
He raised his eyebrows at her correction, and caught on quickly. He gave her a judging look, closed his own eyes, sighed remorsefully, but nodded. A short, accepting nod – a nod that, if worded, would be written out into a hundred-page poem. Shizuru managed to feel a little bit worse than she already felt.
"I… I wish you the best."
This was it, then, he concluded.
He would never see her sincere, charming, gorgeous grin. He would never see the face that he had been living to see all these years. He would never be the one to make the only person he had ever loved happy. He would never witness the true Shizuru, the one that he had wished for ever since he met her ten years ago.
But he had learnt to let go.
"So tell me, Shizuru, who is this precious person that you love?"
She paused, and gave him a smile that was brighter than what he could ever hope for.
---
"Kuga-san!"
"Yes, Towada-san?"
Natsuki watched the shy girl bounce towards her, nearly tripping over the pebbles in her path to the person she called out to. Towada Makino was her classmate – amber-haired, cute, clumsy, innocent, and popular with both the girls and boys. She slowed down as she reached Natsuki, placing both arms on her knees to support herself after her long run.
"Umm, Kuga-san, I … I r-really like you."
"Huh?"
"Uh, p-please accept my feelings."
Makino turned into a healthy shade of red, thrusting a bouquet of red roses into Natsuki's shocked arms. Natsuki had known that Makino had something for her, but she never expected her to confess suddenly. She cursed inwardly, annoyed that she was behaving more like the fake Natsuki than her real self.
"I'm sorry, Towada-san. I can't do that."
"Is it because I'm a girl, too… ?"
Natsuki felt something contract painfully inside her, and images of the Carnival seeped into her mind with the speed of a bullet – dull rubies, fragile golden strands of silk, glinting light-crimson metal, the darkness within a bell, a withering flower, that crushed smile, a desperate glance, a massacre, crumbling foundations, frantic screaming, and a dying warmth as she was enveloped in a hug.
"No."
Makino was stunned by the softness and sincerity in that one word, and her mouth refused to move. Kuga Natsuki had given everyone the cold shoulder, accompanied by a fierce glare, to practically everyone who dared approach her. She did not expect her voice to be barely audible when she responded, although she was relieved.
"Then, why?"
"I… I already have someone I love."
The way her answer was breathed out, in a fascinated whisper, was enough for Makino to be convinced that Natsuki, the epitome of social-inefficiency, was truly in love. Makino felt like she should have been tearing up by now, but once she saw that Natsuki herself seemed so amazed by her own reply, she found it hard to cry in front of such a beautiful sight.
"She loves me back."
Makino nodded dumbly, but she was listening intently to her words. Natsuki appeared to be talking to herself, although Makino knew that that was not the case – the emerald-eyed girl was looking straight at her, even if her voice sounded far-off and dreamy. She was startled when she realised that she had just described Natsuki's tone as 'dreamy', and blinked.
"But she's married already, and it's time for her to move on. I still love her, and I'll continue loving her, but I'm quite happy with just being her friend."
Makino was silent. She had considered asking Natsuki to let go of her lost love, and hopefully be her own girlfriend, but there was something in Natsuki's manner that held her back, made her feel guilty about it. She could do nothing but bite her tongue lightly, hoping that she did not blurt something offensive out.
"Am… am I foolish, Towada-san?"
Natsuki chuckled, unsure of herself. Since when would she ramble about her romantic problems in front of near-strangers? She tucked her hands into the pockets of her jacket, closing her eyes, shutting out distractions to think clearly – she was far beyond thinking clearly already, though.
"And that's why I can't return your feelings."
Natsuki finished, opening her eyes to look at Makino.
Natsuki would never settle for something other than the best, and she would never settle for Makino.
She would be the best veterinarian in the world.
She would win first place in all the world championships.
She would completely demolish the entire Searrs company.
Natsuki was someone who would never settle for something other than the best, because as long as she knew that the grand prize was still in sight, she would continue walking.
"So tell me, Towada-san, have you ever really been in love?"
---
"You remind me of someone."
"Oh, really?"
Natsuki deadpanned, feigning disinterest. She did not look up from her mayonnaise sandwich, in fear of Shizuru catching her thrilled smile. She felt her heartbeats quicken, and steered her attention to Shizuru. Although she tried to smother the trembling pulse of hope that rose in her, she could barely stop her hands from shivering in excitement.
"A childhood friend."
"Hmm."
"Her name was Natsuki too."
The blue-haired girl would have choked on her food had she not mustered all her self-control, afraid to make a fool of herself if she yelled that she was the Natsuki Shizuru was talking about and Shizuru did not recognize her. She took a slow bite from the sandwich, determined not to let her chewing divert her concentration from what her red-eyed friend would say next.
"As a matter of fact, she looked exactly like you. Younger and shorter, though."
"My long lost twin?"
Natsuki added, sarcasm laced throughout her words – it was expected of her, and Shizuru would get suspicious if she had not said so. It hurt her that she had to deny her identity, and her presence in Shizuru's past, but Natsuki steeled herself and awaited her friend's response.
"Mmm, perhaps."
"And?"
"She was older than you, however. Older than me."
Natsuki felt her flame of hope extinguish, and a cold wave of harsh disappointment flooded through her body. For a while, she was deeply angered at the fact that Shizuru could not remember her well enough, but her default rationality took over once she realised that she could never stay furious at Shizuru for long.
"Her birthday was close to yours, I think."
"What was it?"
A prompt.
"I was only seven, Natsuki. I can't remember."
Natsuki wondered if this misconception of her age as compared to Shizuru's back then was another way for life to bite at her, and she gnawed savagely at her sandwich. The mayonnaise provided some solace, and Natsuki focused on taking comfort in the delicious substance as to avoid screaming out loud.
That was me, Shizuru.
That girl you remembered from your childhood was Kuga Natsuki, you fool.
You irritating, stupid, forgetful,
adorable, clever, beautiful fool.
"What was so marvelously intriguing about this girl that you would remember her after ten years?"
"And why would my Natsuki want to know? Is she jealous?"
"I-I'm not your Natsuki –"
But I wished I was.
" – And I want to know why she reminds you of me!"
"Ara."
"So tell me!"
And so Fujino Shizuru told Kuga Natsuki, the girl who could only find a place in her most precious person's memories through somebody that did not even exist.
---
"The media reported that the Arumajiki Circus will be coming in to town this Saturday."
"Ara, do you have any plans about that?"
She asked jovially, turning to face him. She slipped a finger in the middle of the page as a temporary bookmark, and closed the book that she was reading. He brushed the invisible dust off his crisp shirt and black pants with the air of a professional, shaking his head in an indication of reluctant rejection.
"I'm busy that day. We have to meet with some business partners for dinner, and discuss some company issues."
"Then… ?"
"I think… you should go. With Kuga-san."
He smiled in such a genuine way that Shizuru was taken aback, marveling at how someone so self-sacrificing could survive for as long as he had in the business realm. Gratified by his generous offer, yet feeling at fault for the circumstances he was in, she looked at him with guarded curiosity.
"Is it really fine with you?"
"It will be good… for you to spend time with the one you love."
"Are you sure?"
He breathed in sharply.
"Very."
He picked his briefcase up by its handle, swinging it over his shoulder nonchalantly. Shooting her a mischievous smirk, he slipped out of the door, shouting a few last words before rushing off to work.
"After all, I want to see that lovely smile of yours more often!"
Shizuru's eyes widened, and a fond expression took over her face. She leaned to the side to pick up the phone, pulling slightly on the cord that refused to yield, and dialed a few familiar numbers. It was not long before the person on the other end picked up, greeting her gruffly.
"Kuga Natsuki. Who's this speaking?"
"So tell me, Natsuki, are you free this Saturday?"
---
Natsuki sat on her blanket, fiddling with its edges idly. They had lain out the old blankets on the wet grass so that they could sit on them, as to not dirty their clothing. It had rained just that morning, in a vicious torrent that surprised campers – the field was now damp and muddy, deserted by angry boy scouts.
Shizuru was seated on the pastel-yellow sheet beside her, smoothing out its creases patiently. She leaned back, planting her arms behind her to prop herself up. Natsuki could not help but stare at her face, acknowledging every minute detail that she had long since memorized – the moonlight hit Shizuru's face perfectly, illuminating every feature.
"They seem so close, Natsuki."
"… I used to think that if I reached out, I'd be able to touch them."
Shizuru snorted with laughter, falling flat on her back as she was unable to control her chortling. Her arms slapped down to the ground inelegantly, donning a cheerful grin that was a tad bit too silly to fit her reputation of being a graceful woman.
Natsuki thought that she had never been more beautiful.
"Ara, but the stars are so far away!"
So are you.
"There's no harm in hoping."
Shizuru looked at Natsuki with astonished maple-red eyes, but the surprise in them gradually dissolved into contentment. She smiled warmly at the dark-cobalt-haired girl that wore such a somber expression, patting Natsuki's trouser-clad thigh in mock-encouragement.
"I never knew that Natsuki could sound so mature."
Undaunted, Natsuki crossed her arms and huffed. In truth, she took great pleasure in these little arguments that were initiated by a teasing remark from her flaxen-haired friend. They could go on and on, with Shizuru attacking and Natsuki parrying. In the end, though, Shizuru would always win.
Just as Shizuru had planned.
Just as Natsuki had planned.
"Of course! I'm not a child!"
Shizuru stiffened, and her eyes glazed over with a strange sadness that probably hurt Natsuki more than her. A quiet hush settled onto them like a thick quilt, and as seconds passed, Natsuki grew increasingly uncomfortable in the heavy atmosphere that almost seemed to suffocate them.
"Yes, Natsuki is not a child."
"Y-yes."
Another moment of painful silence.
"Natsuki, look!"
The night lit up like a hundred flaming arrows; even the stars paled in comparison, transforming into background scenery to give way to the multiple pieces of comet that blazed a trail through the ebony landscape. Eventually, the barrage of fire faded away, and Natsuki let out the breath she never knew she was holding.
"Ara, meteor showers are beautiful."
No, you are.
"Mmm."
Natsuki was distantly aware of the space that separated her and Shizuru – empty, cold, but promising tenderness just a few inches away. She sighed.
"Do you think I'll be able to touch the stars, if I stretch my arm out?"
"Perhaps, Natsuki. Perhaps. As Natsuki said, there's no harm in hoping."
Natsuki smiled bitterly.
She once thought that if she stretched her arm out, she would be able to touch her.
So tell me, Shizuru – perhaps, one day, will you grab a star with me?
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You have no idea how hard I tried not to replace "Oh, really?" with "O RLY?"
The overall results are out, and I actually managed to pass for this year. In your face, Natsuki!
Thanks for reading.