FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM IT'S THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES CHAPTER 2

TUESDAY ENTRY # 2

Tom just told me to shut the fuck up or he'll come in her and give me a reason to cry. I know what would make him cry; the Foot Network being cancelled.

Dougie and I were looking through some old photo albums. "Wow it has been a long time." "Sure has, Dougie. It seems like only yesterday I showed you how to give a blow job." For some reason Harry gets all pissy after I've said this. "What? Are you jealous that I didn't show you how to give you a blow job too?" Harry looks like he is about to explode. "NO! You know what? If I was your mum I would be really proud." He lost me. I thought that we were talking about blow jobs! "Why?" Dougie asks for me. "Excuse I wouldn't have to worry about my grandchildren being little asshole, because you are asshole enough for the whole clan." I smile. "Yeah I am. I've even gotten an award for it. I'm a certified asshole." That knocks the wind out of his sails. "I'm gonna go shake the weasel." I leave to take a piss leaving Harry there to figure out what went wrong with that conversation.

While I'm taking' a piss, this thought hits me; 'I wonder who would win a fight between a gnome and a lephracon Dougie knocks on the door before I can reason my answer out. "Hey! Where's Tom?" "He's not in my thoughts." I can't believe that I said that out loud. Dougie is choking with laughter on the other side of the door. "Never mind. I'll go ask Harry." Now he is gone and I can't remember what I was thinking! I should get myself a post-it notepad.

Dougie and I went Christmas shopping today; it sure was eventful. We went to the toy store to get Tom that new Star Wars toy that he wants so badly. We were in the store only 2 seconds before I spot the hottest doll ever. I know that she is made of plastic, but I just have to have her. Dougie heads down the next isle and I fly over to the doll.

I'm giving the doll a rim job when Dougie comes around the corner. "Hey Danny what do you think of-" o.0 He looks up and catches me. "Just testing out the new product." I tell him. "Why don't you just put the panties back on that doll and we will pretend this never happened." I think it over for a moment. "Fuck that; I'm going to bring her home with me." Dougie nearly passes out.

"You gonna introduce you mum to her?" Dougie smirks at me as we are leaving the store. HE does at least one thing every day that makes me want to kill him. I blush. "Never you mind, you nosey cunt." HE looks disappointed with my answer. Tough titty; that's life sometimes. I am thinking of all the shitty things that I can say to Dougie when he interrupts my thoughts. "LOOK AT THE CANS ON THAT BIMBO!" I look to my left and nearly have a stroke. I imagine her goin' at it with me under the Christmas tree.

Dougie seems to know what I am thinking because he says, "Go ahead and head butt her a couple of times." I nearly droop my bag. I drag him in the opposite direction before I get a hard on. I don't need him announcing that to the entire mall like last time. I glance at her while Dougie reads the mall dictionary.

She is reading a fighting magazine. "I'd like to fight with her." Now I have Dougie's attention again. "I've seen you fight with a girl and it ain't pretty." I don't need to take his shit. "Let's go home." Dougie looks disappointed for the second time today. Good. It makes me fuckin' happy.

-The Only Guy who can seduce a Barbie doll- Danny Jones