FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM: THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES

CHAPTER 3

I got some action last night, but it wasn't all that good. We were getting into it when Amber misses me goods completely. Being horny, I got really irritated. She just let me slide in when she moves back a little. "You fumbling bitch!" She seems really pissed with my comment, but continued on with me.

I must have pissed her off again with something else that I did because she pushed off of me after we were finished having sex like I was a diving bored. To be honest, after she got her act together it was good.

Today I was never more embarrassed in my life. Tom found my little black book. You know what that self-righteous asshole did? He called up every one of the broads that I have slept with asking them all types of personal questions about it. I should fuck his girlfriend to get back at him for it. I don't know who his girlfriend is, but motherfucker, I am going to find out.

OOH! -_- I just found out who Tom's girlfriend is. Well, to be more accurate, what she looks like. I was diggin' through his shit when I come across a picture of a woman, and I think to myself, 'damn she's hot!' Then I take a closer look. CHRIST ON A CRUTCH! It's a picture of my sister! I'm washing my eyes with disinfectant when Dougie walks into the room. "What the fuck are you doing?" He looks at the photo that I have dropped on the floor. "Fuck me! This cunt is hot!" He snatches the photo of the ground. "That's my sister!" He looks stunned. "When she did get a pair of tits?" I take the picture out of his hands, pissed off. "When did you grow a pair of balls?" He shoves me, I shove him.

Tom walks in and catches us going at it. "Are you guys gonna fuck?" Tom asks, full of excitement. "NO!" I blush tomato red. Dougie looks deep in thought over in the corner. "I would." He says after a moment. He would what? Fuck me? I'm lost. Tom apparently is too, because he asks, "You would what, Dougie?" "Fuck him." He says this so casually, standing up. Is it hot in here or is it me? Dougie leaves Tom and me standing in the room. Tom whistles after a moment. "Never thought that he would turn out to be a bologna smoker. He always got the most pussy." Tom says something else, but I don't hear him. I'm picturing Dougie in a Catholic school's uniform. He's got the cross in his mouth and he- Tom smacks me and I fall back into reality. "Did you hear what I just fuckin' said? Or were you thinkin' about Dougie doin' you in the ass?" "It was more like a religious intervention." Tom's smile loses a few watts and I can tell he is disappointed. "This sucks. Hey, what were you guys doing in my room, anyway?" I need to think of a quick fuckin' lie. I'm too horny to think of one, so I go for the truth. "I wanted to know what your girlfriend looks like." The shit eating grin returns. "I'll get you a pic! She is fuckin' gorgeous."

He hurries to get a picture and I stand here trying no to pop a boner. Tom returns with the photo and I glance at it. I lose my urge; my soon to be boner wilts like a flower in the desert. "She's something." That is all I can manage to say without really lying to him. His girlfriend looks like the missing link. I get the fuck out of his room before he can break out the pictures of their first date.

The idea of fucking Tom's girlfriend is out. How the hell can he like her, let alone fuck her? Must be a lot of Prozac. That explains why he has been broke lately. He has been spendin' all his money on drugs just so he can get laid. I'm not mad at him anymore; I just feel bad for him now. I fell like getting him some pussy for Christmas. And usually I am not this generous.

Speaking of Christmas, I should start writing my x-mas shopping list. Harry, Tom and Dougie…what should I get them? I really want to give them gifts that warm the cockles of their hearts.

HARRY: He's always running out of hair gel and I am tired of listing to his complaining about it. I guess I could get him some to save him money and to save myself from having to endure his bullshit. I'll get him some hair gel made out of sperm. That should be cheap enough. That should do the trick. I get my revenge and he still gets a present. Best of both worlds.

TOM: A comb. I'm tired of looking at that pile of shit on his head that he calls hair. Looks like he's got pubic wool on his head. Oh, I think I feel a song coming on!

"Pubic wool, pubic wool, how I love you so. You make me dance and rub you down below…" Enough of that; I've got a list that I have to get done here. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I left off at Dougie.

DOUGIE: I'll get him a gift certificate to the salon. That way when he is out at the salon, I can whack it to his pornos without getting caught. And of course, I am going to get myself a little something.

-The shopping king, Danny Jones