FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM THIS IS THE DIARY OF DANNY JONES
CHAPTER 5
Today Dougie asked me what Christmas was about. I thought for a moment and then told him, "vengeance." He looked sad with my answer. What did he expect me to say? Spending time wit him? I do enough of that already. I can't take a shit without him standing next to me holding the toilet paper.
I look over at where Dougie is sitting in the corner writing something. I see the sad look still on his face. The sorrow-the agony…I just can't get enough! I'm sitting over here laughing manically when Tom comes over and raps me in the head with his cooking spoon. "Apologize to Dougie." Like fuck that is going to happen. I didn't go anything to him (yet) I stand up and snap my journal shut. "Fuck you guys, I am going to the strip club." I leave Dougie in the corner and Tom standing there in his flowered house dress and apron looking like Rachel Ray.
I had a good time at the strip club. The bitch who was giving me a lap dance was totally grabbing my ass and best of all she was wearing a Santa hat. Speaking of Santa, I used to look up to him until I saw him at the Salvation Army. I dunno; it just pissed me off for some reason.
I walk through the front door to hear Dougie singing about Santa coming to town. Oh…well, he was before I backed over him. It was an accident! I was backin' out of the strip club when I ran over him Thankfully, I was driving Harry's car and I was able to speed away before anyone saw my license plate.
Dougie stops dancing when he sees me in the doorway. "Why do you look guilty, Danny?" I don't know if he can handle the truth about Santa. Before I can think of a lie to tell him, Harry bursts through the front door. "Guys! My car was used in a murder! Some shit stain pullin' out of Steve's Pussy Palace, hit Santa with my car and fuckin' drove off!" Dougie looks really upset. "SANTA!!" He falls to the floor sobbing like a girl scout who lost all her cookies. Jesus Christ it was only Santa! If it was Jessica Alba, then I could see him making a big deal out of it. What am over dramatic asshole! I can't take this shit anymore; I'm going to my room. O.0
My mum came over today with a distorted titty hang up. Seriously, I thought that cunt was on the pill. Anyway, I had to listen to her menstrual bullshit for an hour and a half. Christ. If I wanted to hear those kinds of problems, then I would talk to Dougie or Tom. I was relieved when she said that she had to leave. I should have become a counselor. I handle bullshit on a daily basis. I should get paid for all the time and energy I spend on these assholes. Maybe I should work on this idea. You never know when you are going to need a little extra money. I'll start my own clinic. I've already got a great slogan; "We'll listen to you bitch, but don't expect us to care." That should bring in the customers.
Jesus Christ! Dougie is taking an assertion class. You know what that wank off did? He tried that earth shit on me! I was sitting in my room when he barged right the fuck in~ "Danny I have to tell you something! I feel really frustrated and annoyed when you borrow my pornos, because when I get them back they are covered in your cum. I feel really disrespected when you do this." I look up from my computer screen. "Yeah, so? What the fuck do you want? You're not getting a goddamn dime out of me! I ain't replacing that shit. It's life; get the fuck over it." "But I feel-" I cut him off. I've had enough of this shit already. "Don't try that touchy feely earthy shit on me!" I push him out of my room and slam the door in his fuckin' face!
How dare he bring that petty bullshit to my attention! I usually get most of my cum on my hands. I don't know what he is bitching about. I only do that like 8 or 9 times a week. I hear Dougie's muffled voice and cries coming from the next room over. I place my ear to the wall to listen. The next thing that I hear is Tom's fuckin' face flapping. God does he aggravate me! He thinks he is Joe Hot Shit just because he is from London. Fuck him. I'm from Bolton. We're tough there. I'll pull his testicles out through his asshole. London boys suck my left nut. Shallow London pussies….
"Danny's just on the rag. He doesn't hate you Dougie." What is that? How can Tom make these fuckin' assumptions? Harry must be psychic or something because into my room and says, "Quit listening through the fuckin' wall. Have some class; listen through the crack in the door." I could have kissed Harry for his suggestion. "That is bloody fuckin' brilliant!" We race to the door and listen. "And Harry was mean to me! He made me drink a cup of his ball swear. It was either that or he would fart on my face when I'm sleeping." I peer through the key hole. My eyes explode with rage. Tom is hugging Dougie. That is the straw that broke the camel's balls. Harry seems miffed at this too. Together we break down the door. Tom looks as if he's shit his pants. Dougie looks as if we've caught him with the forbidden fruit.
"What the fuck is goin' on here?" Tom stands up. "None of your goddamn business." Harry steps in before I can. He's really fuckin' irate over this. I hope that he rips Tom's dick off and throws it in the bushes. That would make my fuckin' week! He shoves Tom to the floor. Dougie is at my side in an instant. "Let's get out of here." I pull Dougie out of his room. He sits on the floor and I join him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get to get aggravated earlier." He brightens up. "Really?" Ok, I lied to him. He'll get over it. We're not fuckin' 8 years old anymore. "I guess." He hugs me and I feel great. "Wanna try it again?" "Not on your fuckin' life!" His smile fades faster then me at Sunday mass. Sensing that he may cry again, I quickly say, "Maybe we can do it some other time." "Alright!" He leaves me standing in the hallway all alone. Tom comes out of Dougie's room with a black eye and a bloody nose. Harry comes out looking proud and accomplished. Tom heads to the bathroom and Harry takes out a huge cigar. He lights up, puffs on it once and blows a cloud of smoke in my face.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He takes another puff then says, "I beat his ass good." He beat Tom's ass? He only gave Dougie a hug. Yeah, I was fuckin' pissed off about it, but I wouldn't have gone that far. Okay, perhaps I would. It depends on my mood and my hormone levels at that moment. "Why did you beat his ass? Harry looks thrilled that I have asked this. "I taught him to cheat on me." I want to vomit now. "Huh?" Is all I can manage to say. "That douche cunt! Rubbing up against Dougie like that; Tom's lucky that's all he got." He blows another cloud of smoke in my face and heads to his room.
Harry is fucking Tom? I get a mental image and I feel like I am going to be violently ill. I slip into my bedroom and shut the door. What does Harry have that I don't? I'm the sexiest member and I'm not getting any action. The thought of Dougie hugging Tom enters my mind, and I feel my blood boil. Tom should have butted the fuck out. He is such a nosy cunt. I think I'll go push him off the balcony.
Yay! It is that special time of year. I have to start organizing my annual "get fucked on New Year's party." Before that I have to do that stupid "secret Santa" bullshit. I know that Dougie sis mine. I hope that he gets me that hydraulic dick lift that I have been telling him about.
Harry is on the phone and I want to know what's going on. I pick up the cordless in the dining room and listen in. "Yeah. I'll be at grandmas at noon on the 27th. Yeah. Bye." I hear Dougie snicker and I know that he has been listening in too. "Grandma's suck." Dougie comes in. "Yeah they do. Thank Christ my grandmother is fuckin' dead!" I'm not expecting this and I drop the phone. Harry comes in a second later. "What's going on here?" I snort at him and pick up the phone. "Nothing." Harry gets all cunty, "Fine. I'm meeting Tom at the diner down the street." He leaves. Dougie and I explode with laughter. "What did he get all cunty about? We weren't doing nothing!" We slap high fives and go out for Chinese.
Today's been good ; Tom pissed me off (again) and rather than deal with his bullshit, I wrote him off as an asshole. Less stress for me. Speaking of Tom, he is inhaling popcorn on the sofa watching a documentary on the jockstrap. Who gives a shit? I sure as fuck don't. What I want to know is why Tom is so into this. He's never owned a jockstrap in his life. I don't think that he has ever even seen one. Ah, no. Once he did. I was playing tag with Dougie. We were wearing only our jockstraps because we found that we could run much faster wearing only them. Tom was painting the house while this was going on. He saw Dougie's hairy ass and fell off the ladder. He broke his arm. Personally, I think that he got what he deserved; if he had been minding his own fuckin' business that wouldn't have happened.
The show must be over because Tom knocks on my door. Everything he does has to be loud. It really aggravates me when he does that sonic boom clapping shit that he loves so much. I think that he wants to kill me by giving my high blood pressure. He's well on his way. I tell him to come in anyway so we can get this over with.
Tom comes in and sits on the floor. I glance over at him. "Yes?" He's struggling to find words. There's a fuckin' first; he's always flapping his gums about something. This one time I had to hear all about his uncle vasectomy. It was fuckin' horrific! Thankfully he couldn't find his photo album to show me pictures of this wonderful event. "I need someone who is a good listener." He finally says. Huh? Then why the fuck is he talking to me? I can't listen worth shit. "What's on your mind, Tom?" Oh, shit. I've opened the flood gates for his emotions. I'd better go and put my waders on. "I just can't handle this bullshit with my mum." That cunt! Now I really won't be able to listen. Then I remember that class that I had to take on supportive listening. "You sound upset about what's going on with your mum because you don't think you can handle it." Tom looks up at me. "Are your retarded? I just fuckin' said that!" He's aggravated with me and I am afraid. "Yeah. She is always bothering me about going to sewing class with her." I try again. "You sound aggravated because you don't want to go to sewing class with your mum." He's fighting the urge to hit me and I can tell. "Danny, who the fuck would want to sew with their mum?" "Not fuckin' me!" We laugh and jeer at the idea that some guys actually like going to sewing class with their mums.
We're wiping away tears of laughter when Dougie walks into the room. He's holding a heart shaped quilted pillow. "Where did you get that?" He looks at the pillow. "You mean this, Tom?" "What the fuck else would I be talking about?!" Before Dougie can say anything, I cut him off. "Did you make that in sewing class with your mum?" Tom and I are paralyzed with laughter. Dougie isn't laughing. We look over at him and he looks kind of upset. "What?" "Actually, Danny, yes I did. I made it with my mum for someone special." "Who is it for?" We've pushed him too far. He starts to cry. "Fuck you guys! Why do you always have to be assholes?" He runs off before either of us can say anything to him. Tom leaves a second later and I'm left alone to reflect on what just happened.
I feel like a shit stain for what I said to Dougie. I'm probably gonna end up in hell with the rest of my family. Fuck that! I don't want to spend eternity burning in hell with those fuckin' assholes! I have to make amends before that becomes my fate.
I knock on Dougie's door to see if he's there. And of course, he's there. It's like fuckin' Ghandi in his sanctuary. He answers the door on my third knock. "What do you want?" He's still upset. Christ. This is going to be harder than I thought. "Can I come in for a minute?" He takes a step back and lets me enter his room. "I'm sorry about the pillow thing. I didn't know…and I didn't mean to upset you." Dougie doesn't say anything to me. He turns around and walks towards his bed. That ungrateful piece of shit! Here I'm trying to make amends and he is fuckin' blowin' me off! I'm about to take a step forward to wring his neck when he turns around. He is holding the pillow; I take a closer look at what it says. It has my name embroidered in it. Now I feel like the biggest asshole in the world. Even bigger than Tom. Dougie walks towards me and hands me the pillow. Before I can think about the situation, I pull him into a hug. Dougie holds me close. I'm getting comfortable in his arms, when the door swings open. Harry is on the doorway with his camera taking a picture of Dougie holding me in his arms. "What the fuck?!" Dougie lets go of me and smacks Harry, "Get the fuck out of here!" He reaches for the camera, but he is too short to reach. Dougie kicks him in the shin and slams the door shut. "Now where were we?" He pulls me onto the bed and turns on his DVD player.
We are watching Red Dragon (no, it's not a porno) when Tom bursts through Dougie's door. He looks at the screen. "Since when is Red Dragon a fuckin' romance movie?" Can't I go through one day without his bogus-ass commentary? I doubt it. It's like living with a fuckin' chatty Cathy doll. I have to wear earplug in my own fuckin' house! "Get lost Tom. Nobody called your nasty ass in here." He flips me off and turns to leave. I pop him in the back of the head with a rubber band. He tackles me to the floor and I bite him. He howls like a wolverine in heat. Dougie and I fly out of the room before Tom can get up and kill us.
-The World Wrestling Champion, Danny Jones