FOR THE CRITICS IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM THIS IS THE DAIRY OF DANNY JONES
CHAPTER 6
Holy sweet Christ! I just found out what Tom bought his mum for Christmas; he bought her a pair of breast implants! If I was a woman and some jerk off bought me a pair of breast implants, I would be fuckin' pissed! Though I wouldn't mind getting a pair now; I would hang them on my bedroom wall and have them light up at night. Those would be the highlight of home decorating if I sold this to a group of advertising pigs. Dougie just found out about Tom's gift. He hasn't said a word; he is sitting in his room completely silent. I just think he's fuckin' jealous because he didn't think of it first. What an idiot.
…
I was watching that show with that yellow sponge bloke the other day. What the fuck is his name? Bob or something like that. It was that fun episode. Ya know? The one with the musical number. Well, I came up with a few versions of the "fun" song myself.
F is fuck all you assholes
U is for you can blow me
N is for not getting corn-holed.
And then I came up with this other enchanting version later.
F is for you fucks piss me off
U is for you can suck on my nut sac
N is for no more assholes.
I am about to write another version, but my train of thought goes off track when I hear Douige's loud panting coming from the other room. I think I am going to assert myself. I found Dougie's assertion class text book on the back of the toilet. I found it and while I was talking a shit, I flipped through it. I have to say that some of the things in that book really tickled my fancy.
I slam his bedroom door open. I find him making a hand party out of my sister! He's fuckin' jerking it to my sister's passport photo. Jesus Christ! My sister! I'm ready to break his rib cage and pull his heart out when I remember that assertion message thing. I wasn't expecting such a fuckin' gruesome scene, so I have to revise my original assertion message. Dougie sees me in the doorway and quickly slips the photo under his pillow. "Did you need something, Danny?" He has the nerve to act like I just didn't catch him jerking it to my sister's picture.
I take a deep breath and try to calm the anger that is building up inside. "Dougie, I feel very angry when you jerk off to my sister's picture because I think that you do not respect the bind that I have with my sister." Since Dougie is slow, it takes a moment to sink in. "You bonded with your sister?!" Fuck this, its go time! I jump onto his bed and punch him in the head. This assertion stuff isn't too bad; I am quite good at this shit! I should try this more often. I think I should write a book on this shit; How to Deal with an Emotional Asshole By: Danny Jones. That sounds like it will make one hell of a coffee table book.
…
Today I have to go and play fuckin' panicle with my grandmother. I was going to bring Harry with me, but he's got water colours in the afternoon. Him and his goddamn paintings! Who the fuck does he think he is? John Lennon? No wait…I don't think that he was a painter. Oh, well. Next was to bring Tom along with me, but yet again this idea is out. Tom's got the art of dance and then tap dancing after it. Jesus! I tell them to go and get hobbies and this is what they fuckin' do? Dougie's newest hobby is a little out there, but it's okay. He's decided that he wants to take underwater sculpting classes. Christ. What are they going to have next? Lamaze class on the fuckin' moon? Doesn't anyone just stare at the fuckin' clouds anymore? Anyhow, the only one who is free is Dougie. I don't want to go alone, so he will be my companion for the trip.
Dougie has never met my grandmother before, so I am a little nervous. The last time that I had to do community service at the old folk's home, I brought him along. I thought that it would be a nice safe environment for me to leave him unsupervised. That was the last time that I ever made a decision like that. Within 10 minutes of leaving him alone he already had propaganda raining from the ceiling. He brought a toy squirt gun and ran around squirting it yelling, "Granada!" Wasn't that just a TV war? I thought I saw Matt Damen in it. Huh. Anyway, the yelling and squirt gun caused a few of the old war vets to freak out. One of them had a stroke and nearly died. Needless to say, that was the last time that I brought Dougie around there.
We pull up in front of the old folk's home where my gran lives. Dougie's face lights up like a fuckin' Christmas tree. Before he can open the door, I pull him so close that even Christ won't be able to hear what I am going to tell him. "Don't you pull any fuckin' hijinx! We don't need a repeat of what happened last time." He smirks at me and I grab him by his shirt collar. "I'm serious you little asshole. One goddamn shenanigan and your ass is mine." He nods and I can see the fear in his eyes. He gets out of the car and heads up the stairs into the building. I trail behind him watching him like a fuckin' hawk. There is no way in hell that I am letting him get away with his usually bullshit.
I bring him to my gran's room and hesitate to knock on the door. I can't blow her off again, even though I really want to. Goddamn it! Is this what hell feels like? I hope it's not this bad. I knock on the door and as she is opening the door Dougie grabs my hand. "Hi! I'm Dougie and I am Danny's boyfriend." What the fuck did he just say? My gran looks sick for a moment and then falls backwards like a bag of wet dog shit. "Grandmum!"
…
We are on our way home from the Emergency Medical Centre. All I did was ask him to be good for one afternoon! And what does that shit stain do? He gives my grandmother a heart attack and then laughs as the paramedics try and revive her. Well, I am glad that he had such a good fuckin' time! That is the last good time that he is going to have for a long while. Too bad his grandmother is dead. If she wasn't, I would masturbate by her bed and give her a fuckin' heart attack! Well, I am grateful that I didn't have to play any games with her. I guess something good did come out of this shitty day.
I'd better turn my cell off or it'll be ringing off the fuckin' hook. My mum is going to be fuckin' pissed when she finds out about what happened today with Dougie. She'll probably pull my scrotum off; not like that hasn't happened before. Dougie's snort of laughter knocks me out of my thought world. I glance over to see him texting someone. "Who the fuck are you texting?" He turns his phone away from me. "No one." "I saw you, you fuck! I'm only gonna ask you one more time, before I pull the car over and beat your ass!" Dougie gets the message. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want to piss me off after what he did to my gran. He sighs. "I was texting Tom." Since when are those two fucks friends? When did this alliance form? I shoot him a dirty look.
"What? See its Tom's number." He holds his phone up so I can see who he was texting. By the power of Christ it was Tom! Did I fall into some alternate universe or something? "Well, what were you texting him?" The look on his face tells me that he doesn't want to share with me. My hands tighten on the steering wheel. Sensing danger he quickly says, "I sent him a picture in a text message." "What was the photo of?" He snaps his phone shut. "You don't want to know." I've had enough of his little bullshit games. I snatch his phone out of his hands. I flip it open to see a photo of my gran wearing an oxygen mask with LAMO written underneath it. I nearly flip the car over I'm so fuckin' mad! I crush his phone and whip it out the car window. "Hey! Tom was supposed to be texting me back!" "Fuck Tom! Fuck your phone and double fuck you! I can't believe that you did that!"
I'm so mad that I can't find words to express how I feel. Dougie doesn't seem bothered by it at all. "At least you didn't see that other photo that I had on my phone." "WHAT?" I roar in his direction. He cowers in his seat. "It was a picture I took. I- I stuck my phone up your gran's nightgown and took a snap shot." I'm not ready for that one. I cut the wheel so hard that the car goes over the guardrail and lands in a ravine. I'm in a state of shock; I didn't expect this to happen. I look over at Dougie and he looks as id he shit himself. I am tempted to look, but I don't.
I dig around in my pants to find my cell phone. "Wow. That was really unexpected. I'm gonna call harry to come and pick us up. He should be out of water colours by now." Dougie nods as if he can't speak. I hope that he can't! Maybe he swallowed his fuckin; tongue! That would be a fuckin' treat! That is one of the top things on my Christmas wish list this year. "Goddamn it! I don't have any fuckin' service." "What are we going to do now Dale Ernheart?" Dougie asks me. Shit, I guess I didn't get my Christmas wish. Tomorrow is Christmas, maybe I will get his voice box under the tree in a fancy gift box! Then I can toss that out my car window too!
The only place that we can get cell service is on the top of the hill that my car went off of. "We are going to have to hike it." Dougie groans. What the fuck is he groaning about? It's his fuckin' fault that we're down here! If he had pissed me off and distracted me while I was driving this wouldn't have happened. Whoa! My logic scares me sometimes; I must have been a lawyer in a past life.
I get out of the car and pull Dougie out with me. He falls to the ground. "Yo! Get your fuckin' ass up!" "I broke my asshole bone Danny!" I think that I must have damaged my hearing when we crashed. "What the hell did you just say?" He won't get off the ground. "I really think that my asshole bone is broken." Tears are falling now. What am I going to do now? I can't just leave his goofy ass here. "Can you give me a piggyback ride up the hill?" I must be going fuckin' deaf because Dougie just made a logical suggestion. I groan. I have to carry him all the way up that hill? At least he's small; it's better than having to carry Harry or Tom up the hill. I'd probably throw my back out.
"Alright, I guess that I will have to do that." I pull him onto my back. Christ! It's like a bag of wet cement on my back. I struggle up the hill while Dougie thoroughly enjoys himself. By the time that I get to the top of the hill, I am convinced that I am going to die. I fall to the ground and he tumbles off me. "God please kill me!" Dougie looks at me confused then totally makes the wrong connection. "Oh my God! Danny you're suicidal?! Was that a suicide attempt? I could have died! You could have killed us both!" I roll my eyes at his stupidity. "No you dolt! If I wanted to kill myself I would have done it already. I probably would have hung myself from the ceiling fan in the living room using my shoelaces. And as for you, I would probably have killed you with a yo-yo string already." He's all excited because I said the word yo-yo. What a stupid asshole. Why is my best mate such a fuckin' tard? Goddamn, I haven't lowered my standards that far have I?
It starts to rain before I can put anymore thought into that. Where's my phone? Holy shit it's gone! Then I notice Dougie with my phone dialing a number. "Harry! Save us! Danny's shitty driving nearly got us killed again! Yeah, can you come and pick us up? Uh, huh, we're there." He hangs up and I slap my phone out of his hands. "What the fuck Danny?" He says this with a pissed off tone. Excuse me! What the fuck gave him the right to talk to me like that? And where the fuck did he get the idea that he has the right to be fuckin' pissed off? He's the fuckin' cause of all this! First my gran and now this; he's really on a roll today. I think that I am going to have an aneurism I am so goddamn mad at him.
Dougie looks over at me. I'm grateful that he can't read minds or he'd see an image of me kicking the shit out of him. I must have a smile on my face because he is inching away from me in fear. He should be afraid after all the goddamn shenanigans that be pulled today! I'm leaning over to smack him when Harry pulls up. "Why didn't Tom come too?" Goddamn Tom! Why does Dougie care if he came or not? If there is somethin' going' on and I don't know about it, heads are going to roll. "Tom is at dance class right now, you know that." Dougie looks crestfallen. Fuckin' Tom! Even when he is not here he manages to fuck my day up. I'm mad, but I'm also jealous. I wish that I had a fuckin' talent like that. I want to be envied like I envy him. Not hated, mind you, just envied. Harry lifts Dougie into the car. "Quit sulking like a teenage prom queen." Harry calls at me. He wants to play it like that? Fine, I'll take a shit in his stocking tomorrow morning.
…
As we are pulling into the driveway, Tom pulls up next us. He gets out of his car, still in his panty hose, swinging his dance bag over his shoulder. His little skirt is cute, I must admit. Harry has just informed Tom about the asshole bone situation. Tom says that he will be changed in a minute to take Dougie to the hospital. I see red when he sees this. I shove Tom into the snow and steal Harry's car keys from him. "I'll drive him." Dougie's face turns whiter than it was. "It's okay. I can wait for Tom." I whip around. "Fuck Tom! I'm driving." I get into the car and slam the door so hard that the whole car shakes. I reve up the engine and wheel out of the driveway leaving Harry and Tom in the snow looking like assholes.
The emergency room is busy and I am in no mood to sit and wait. "Yo! My friend has a broken asshole bone here! He needs imitate medical assistance!" Every doctor and nurse in the place stops and looks at me. I look around to see that other patients in the room are looking at me too. I need to play it off cool to prove that I am not a psychotic fuck. "Are you deaf? Or am I not speaking English?" Somebody get on this!" They put Dougie on some cheap thrown on wheels and move him into the next room.
I take a seat in the waiting room and glare at a guy who looks like someone that I went to high school with. Well, to be honest, he looks like a guy who used to beat the shit out of me. Oh, fuck I think it is him! He stands up and comes over to me. "Danny please beat the shit out of me Jones! Hey man!" I cower in my seat as he extends his arm toward me. I'm safe; I'm in a hospital. "Hello?" I'm not sure if I want to greet this guy or not. "How have you been? You still look the same as you did when I used to make you eat the urinal cakes!" I remember that. Late at night when I wake up in a cold sweat I can still taste the urinal cakes. "I-I've been good. What about you?" "Me? Fabulous, Fabulous. What are you doing here?" "My mate broke his asshole bone." He laughs in my face. "You still hang out with fuck offs and retards, huh?" Dougie is not a retard! Okay, I guess he got me there. Dougie is a slight tard and Tom is a complete fuck off. Hey! He didn't mention twat holes; poor Harry, he must feel left out.
The doctor calls him in before I can reply. "Catch you later." He punches the air. I hope to fuck that I don't run into him later! The last thing I want to do is run into my childhood nemesis. Actually, he was my teen-hood tormentor. I hope Dougie is okay in there; I know that I am not alright out here. The doctor comes out and calls me in. "He didn't break anything. He only bruised his tail bone." What? I was nearly killed in the waiting room only to find out that he has a bruise?! I want to chock the shit out of him. How dare he try and pull a fast one on me! This is all Tom's fuckin' doing. I knew that fuckin' ass bag was a bad influence on people! I am gonna skin his nuts with my field knife.
I push Dougie into the car and out. I'm so pissed off that I ignore the yield sign and nearly run over a kid on crutches. My mood is still shitty when we get home. I leave him in the car and holler for Tom and harry to go and get him out. I slam my bedroom door so hard that I break the doorframe. I get on my lap top and start working on my 'I Hate Tom Fletcher' website. I feel that the headlining picture of me sticking my foot up Tom's ass is a good decision. An example of my brilliance, if you ask me.
-The webmaster of the McFly mansion, Danny Jones.