Chapter Four

The months passed with little change. Teathrice and I grew closer as friends. I suddenly had a reason to go to the junkyard—I would spend my days with the grey queen. We would sit side by side, sometimes without speaking for hours, and watch the others go about their day—two outsiders calmly watching the insiders, like detached observers. But between Teathrice and Coricopat, I felt complete. I didn't need anyone else. I had a brother who loved me and a friend who shared my pain.

Still, from time to time, the desire to be part of the Tribe would slip into my thoughts. I would watch the kittens play, remembering a time when I, too, had played those games with Demeter and Alonzo and Asparagus. When I was still "normal", before anyone knew my secret. I would watch the cats come and go in couples, cooing softly to each other in the evening light. Deep down, I felt a small pang at the realization that I would never understand what that was like. I would never know the joys of love or even the excruciating pain of heartbreak; I would never experience motherhood or any of the other rites of passage that the other Jellicle queens went through. Those doors would always be closed to me.

Then, something strange happened. Bombalurina returned, after spending over two years in exile. We had assumed she was dead, because she did not return when her sentence ended. I could tell from Demeter's guarded replies that she knew why Bombalurina didn't return; but I chose not to read her mind for the answer. Besides, I wasn't too terribly interested in where she had been. I was more concerned with where she was going.

I will admit, I was entranced by Bombalurina—how did she do it? She was an outsider, a former exile, still she found a place among the Jellicles. Within a matter of days she had done what I had spent my life trying rather unsuccessfully to do: she found her place in the Tribe. But I saw how she achieved this—she carved it out with her claws, she pushed and shoved and re-arranged everyone until she created a niche for herself. I could never do that—that required a certain audacity, a certain boldness, a survival instinct that I did not possess. Underneath her coy looks, behind those batting eyes lay the mind of a fighter, a survivor. She would fight to survive, to find her place.

I possessed strength, but I did not possess boldness. I became slightly envious of her; I felt the old tug of longing in my soul. Life with Teathrice and Coricopat was pleasant, but it wasn't enough. For once—just once!—I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be looked at—not with fear, but with admiration. I wanted to walk through the yard and be greeted with kindly words, rather than suspicious stares.

I shared my feelings with my brother. Coricopat just looked blankly at me, "But, Mil, this is how it's always been; how it will always be. Me and you, we're just not like them. We never will be."

"But we could try," I said, almost pleadingly. Corico shook his head sadly. "You can't just change everything about yourself. It's who you are."

"Maybe I don't like who I am," I replied stonily. Cori's sudden stubbornness was making me angry. Still, I pushed away my anger and tried to reason with him, "C'mon, Coricopat. Don't you remember when we were younger, before anyone knew? Wasn't it nice, being able to walk into the yard and not feel like everyone you met was frightened by you? You cannot honestly say that you are happy, living like this!"

"I am," Corico said simply, his eyes focusing on mine. "I have you; I don't need anyone else. Why shouldn't I be happy?"

That's when I realized how truly different we had become. Unlike my twin, I would not accept the fate that I had been handed. And not even my brother's pleading would change that.

~*~

There's still time to change your mind, Cori's inner voice echoed in my head. We can still just go home.

Not a chance, I flashed him a warning look. He took the hint. I heard him give a small sigh of despair.

Stop moping, I reprimanded.

I can't do this.

Yes you can.

I'm going to be sick.

Oh, don't be such a baby! I rolled my eyes. Just go up to them, ask them how's it going, and make small talk.

Why don't you? My twin challenged.

You're better at socializing than I am, I reminded him. I forced a reassuring smile, Now go on. I'll be right here, in case anything goes wrong.

What're you gonna do, prophesy and save the day? He smirked. I gave him a swift rap on the head. My brother took a deep breath before making his way to the toms sitting by the old car. I quickly hid in the pipe, so that I could witness the events.

"Hey, fellas," Corico flashed the warmest of smiles. He really did have a nice smile.

"Hey, Coricopat," Admetus sat up a little straighter. They seemed a bit put off by his sudden friendliness, but they weren't afraid of him. "How's it goin'?"

"Pretty good," Coricopat took another breath. I could sense his discomfort melting away with each passing moment. He looked around hopefully, "How about you?"

"Can't complain," Alonzo stretched out over the hood of the car. They were now comfortable around Cori again. Suddenly, Alonzo sat up quickly, "Look alive, boys. Mamacita's on the move."

At that point, Bombalurina rounded the corner, her hips swaying as she made her way past the toms. She flashed them all a winning smile, "Good afternoon, boys."

"Hiya, Boms," Admetus grinned. Bombalurina tapped his nose playfully, "Admetus, you naughty boy, I was just thinking about you."

"You were?" Admetus' face lit up. The red queen nodded. Admetus boldly stepped forward, slipping his arm around her waist, "What were you thinking about?"

"Oh, that's a secret," her voice dropped into a breathy whisper. She looked around with feigned concern, "Besides, I'd be too embarrassed to repeat it."

"Perhaps you could tell me in private?"

Bombalurina gave a low chuckle, "Perhaps later, Tiger. I've got to meet Dem for lunch right now."

I watched this exchange from my hiding place, rolling my eyes at Admetus' foolishness. I didn't have to read his mind to know what he was thinking about; nor did I have to read Bombalurina's mind to know that she had not been thinking about Admetus—he was merely the first tom she spotted.

The red queen sauntered off. The toms stared after her, mouths slightly agape. Alonzo gave a low whistle, "She knows how to blow your mind, doesn't she?"

Admetus nodded. At that point, Etcetera, Demeter's little sister, rounded the corner, accidentally bumping into Corico. She stepped back, breathless from running so fast, "Have you guys seen Bombie? I've got a bone to pick with her."

"Lemme guess: Tugger," Alonzo said wryly. Etcetera nodded vehemently, "Yes! She knows he's mine!"

"That way," Alonzo pointed lazily in the direction that Bombalurina had headed. Etcetera raced off, without so much as a thank you.

Admetus shook his head with a wry chuckle, "They never learn, do they?"

"Nope," Alonzo gave a chuckle of agreement. After a slight pause, he mused, "I wonder what goes through that crazy little head of hers."

"She thinks if she acts like Bombalurina, then Rum Tum Tugger will notice her and ask her to be his mate," Coricopat said simply. My eyes widened in shock—he had read her mind! We had made a promise never to read another Jellicle's mind without permission.

Admetus and Alonzo looked at him in amazement. Then they looked at each other. Smiles slid onto their faces.

"I forgot you could read minds," Alonzo slipped off the car and stood beside my brother, putting a friendly arm around him. "A guy like you could come in handy. I need help with my girl, Cassandra. She's a hard read; I assure you. Can't ever figure out what she wants."

"I think I can help," Corico offered with a small smile. I couldn't believe he was doing this. Admetus let out a whoop of joy, "Oh, we've got it now!"

I turned away in disgust. Toms.

But I began to feel the first glimmer of hope. Admetus and Alonzo had been so friendly towards Corico—how readily they had accepted him! Perhaps the tide was changing. Perhaps the Tribe did have room to let us in.