AN – (Don't mean to offend anyone…)
Glossary of Terms
Authors: The benevolent Gods of Make-Believe Land.
Gerberites: Michael Gerber is the author of spooftastic books, The Slobbit, Barry Trotter, and others. His creations do not fit entirely into Cannon or Fannon, and therefore the characters can move freely between Fiction City and the Fan Domain without being Glomped.
Glomped: Glomp. An uncomfortable and often painful experience for the Cannon character in question.
Angsted: Angst. Any Cannon character can be Angsted, generally only at the Author's will. However, creatures of the Fan Domain have figured out how to Angst their favourite character for their own ends.
OOC'd: Out Of Character. Mary Sues/Gary Stus possess the power of causing any Cannon to become completely OOC'd, or De-characterised.
AND… Sueification: The nasty process whereby a perfectly nice Original Character is captured by the Domain and slowly transformed into another Mary Sue.
WARNING TO ALL CANNONS - DO NOT approach a Mary Sue without the proper filtration gear as issued by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fictional Characters, or you run the risk of becoming a slack-jawed, bug-eyed, love-struck, freak. Yes, freak. You.
Once upon a time…
Have you ever had someone come up to you, maybe a friend or a delusional other, and asked you to imagine this before launching into their much-loved theory about their favourite book-slash-TV show-slash-movie. And then slowly proceeding to grind your ears off with what they would like to see, which character they thought was absolute hotness, what sort of love interest they would have for said absolute hotness, and what other supporting characters they would have loved to run through a meat mincer.
And all that theorising naturally and messily gives birth to the fanfiction, and with it, the general abuse of the written word.
Did you ever wonder where those characters went once they were out of your system for good? Once you screwed up said story and threw it in the wastepaper basket before setting said wastepaper basket on fire, would they finally stop plaguing your brain with plot bunnies and random scenarios?
The answer was no.
Once your characters have passed on to Make-Believe Land, they'll never leave you alone.
Make-Believe Land was made up of several smaller territories. The shire of Fairy Tales was an ever-shrinking domain, only still existing at the mercy of nogalstic adults and manufacturing-obsessed, ruthless Disney executives. The inhabitants lived in fear of being turned into one of the greatest of mythical beasts, the Cash Cow.
To the south of the shire there were the two sprawling lands of Silverscreen and the Tube (Many children know about the Movies versus TV war of the 90's, both sides taking heavy casualties. Finally the plausible deniability rule was passed in 1999, meaning that a TV show and its characters could deny any knowledge of the movie it spawned and vice versa.)
A little to the west of Fairy Tales was the Original Fiction Capitol. The few inhabitants were mostly polite, but tried to avoid contact with most other Fictional Beings, for fear of being called a Plagiarist and a Forger, which really made no sense because when applied in the same context, they were technically the same thing.
To the north of Fairy Tales were the wonders of Fiction City. Fiction City seemed to be ever expanding, what with graphic novels being now accepted into the fold. You could find them all there, everybody that was anybody that had inspired somebody could all be found drinking at the Cannon Corner.
And last, but definitely not least, there was the Fan Domain.
No cannon character could enter and emerge un-glomped.
Even the meanest, dirtiest, ugliest son of a witch that had ever been produced by the written word could find companionship, and more often than not, a band of stalkers not far behind. Cannon characters had been driven insane dealing with the hoards of ravenous beasts that were almost hourly inflicted upon the walls of Fiction City, causing the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fictional Characters to step up and actually do something.
The armoury hadn't been opened since The War of the Words, when the City was almost overwhelmed by the sudden influx of poorly executed, poorly spelt, mutant, halfbreed, insanely complex OCs. The whole of Cannon was required to be armed at all times. (Original Fiction Capitol stringently denied any responsibility for these 'original' characters, insisting that since the Phony Phelon Act was signed, they had placed a strict non-interference policy with the people of Fiction. Failure to comply could result in a heavy fine, which was a bit of a pain, since each town in the Capitol tended to use different currencies depending on the Author.)
And during that war, brave heroes from all the realms were introduced to the person that would become their deadliest and most nubile enemy. The fairest of them all, she called herself the True Sue.
Each Fiction was equipped with weapons of all sorts, and amulets and protection spells were rife. The True Sue was the first, and since then, they kept coming. No matter what Cannon, no matter what Fiction, they came, on orders from the True Sue. They would rule Fiction City, and all of Cannon would bow down before them. (And other things too, but to maintain the story rating, we wont go into that.)
But not if the Royal Society had a say in the matter.
Teddy Lupin sat across from the woman. She was staring at him so intently that sweat began to bead on his brow and he reached a hand back to make sure that his Anti-Sue Filter was still secure. Mary Sues, they could hypnotise you and turn you into a gooey mess with a glance of their big blue/green/amber/purple/pink eyes if you were unprotected, so Teddy's visor was low over his face and set to mild burn. Sues also seemed to excrete a mild smell, a perfume almost. Strawberry, lavender, honeysuckle, musk, he had whiffed it all in the time he had been working for the Society, and his stomach still squirmed uncomfortably each time he had to sit in on an interview.
Studies had been undertaken on the smell that Sues gave off to ensnare their prey, and after five years, all Make-Believe Land's most powerful doctors and institutions came to one conclusion. It's like when a dog whizzes on a tree to mark their territory.
"Why don't you take that off so I can see your lovely eyes?" The Sue asked in her honeyed tones. Teddy turned up a switch on the side of his mask that read static interference. He wasn't going to take any chances, unlike his poor father. Remus Lupin had failed to turn up his Sue Filter and had ended up being Angsted. It was a terrible thing to be Angsted. Suddenly all you saw was doom and gloom and it took years to get back to normal.
But still, that was slightly better than being OOC'd.
"Just because I haven't been around that long doesn't make me an amateur." He snapped. His patience was beginning to fray, and a stripe of angry red weaved its way through his hair. The Sue cooed with delight and clapped her hands adorably as she beheld this, and Teddy turned the filter up to maximum burn.
"I know." The Sue said. "The Authors don't even know you, but you've got so many Sues out there, dying for a piece…" She reached out to him and Teddy snatched his hand back, even though he knew that the manacles would hold her in place.
"I'm with Victoire." He growled. "You all know that."
"It doesn't mean we have to accept it, though." Mary Sue purred.
It was then that the thick, heavy door was flung open. "Don't let her bait you, kid."
The man in the doorway was familiar to him, and Teddy knew who he was by reputation more than anything else, and he rose to his feet and snapped a salute. "Sir!"
"Don't do that." He was stocky and hadn't shaved for a while. Even though he was rude, abrasive, callous, and occasionally forgot to wash, this man was still somehow one of the most Fangirled! characters of all time. Little boys who got beat up for their lunch money every other day wanted to be him, and girls wanted to take him home and crack open that hard exterior and expose the soft, gooey centre underneath.
As if.
There was even a picture of him on the Royal Society recruiting posters outside the interview room. The Society needs you!
He was the Wolverine.
The Canadian raised an eyebrow at Teddy as he noticed that the young man was staring at him. The Mary Sure seemed to be going into transportations of delight at the two of them being in the same room together. Wolverine noticed this and grimaced behind his filter. "Let's get started."
He slapped a folder down in front of the Sue before sitting down and crossing his feet on the surface of the desk. "Open it." He barked, as Teddy cautiously sunk down into his own seat.
The Sue curled her lip sulkily, and on her it looked quite cute. A blinking light was flashing in the corner of Teddy's visor. Adoration overload. Estimated battery power, 10 hours.
"You lot're getting more and more powerful lately, huh?" Wolverine said conversationally. "I mean, getting right up to the Capitol and all."
"I am a citizen of the world." Her beautifully rounded vowels were captured on tape. "You cannot tell me where to go."
"Oh, but I can. I can make your life hell."
"What do you want with me, James?" And the innocent, suggestive way she asked it made the question seem as dirty as hell. Wolverine grabbed the folder away from her and flipped it open. The face of the missing person glared up at them, along with a short profile.
"Where is this man?" Teddy asked, tapping a finger on the photograph.
"Cute." The Sue said absently. Then, a minute later – "Where's who?"
"Don't yank me around lady." Teddy carefully backed away as he noticed Wolverine curl his hands into fists. "This isn't good cop, bad cop. This is freak and magic man."
"Thanks." Teddy said dryly.
"Don't feel too flattered. It coulda been the other way around."
"Two months ago this character was Cannon-napped right out of his own show." Teddy said, after giving his superior a wordless glare. "Three of the supporting cast were Angsted and the second male lead was OOC'd."
Wolverine grunted in disgust.
"What have you been doing to him the past two months?" Teddy asked. "Is he alright? Still… alive?"
"How could you accuse moi of harming one of my favourite bad boys?" Mary Sue asked innocently.
"Where is he? How did you force him to go with you?"
"I have nothing to tell you."
"You listen, lady. This kid here has seen some nasty Sues in his time. There's no way Dean Winchester would have gone with no Sue." Wolverine, sitting beneath a no-smoking sign, lit up.
"That sentence is grammatically incorrect." She giggled, not rattled in the slightest. Teddy frowned. There was no way they were going to get anything out of this one. Most Sues were ditzy, but this one was ditzy and loyal to the True Sue and not that bright.
Finally Wolverine indicated to Teddy that the two of them should speak outside the interview room. Teddy followed the mutant until the door shut behind them in the secure area behind the mirrored wall.
"She's not cracking." Juliet Butler said. Juliet had managed to claw her way back from her own impending Sueification, and was now a valuable member of the Cannon team.
"No." Wolverine said.
"What now?" Teddy asked.
Juliet cracked her knuckles. "I could try to be a bit more persuading, if you want."
Any other time Wolverine would have said yes. This young Winchester guy belonged to a Cannon favourite, and until he was back in the cast, his show was suspended indefinitely. But maybe it was time to cut their losses. Follow the trail back to the nest, and destroy the True Sue before she could overcome all of Cannon.
"We let her go."
"What?" Juliet and Teddy stared at him in shock.
"We'll get one of our kids to follow 'er back to the nest, maybe do some spring cleaning while they're at it."
"Get rid of them once and for all." Juliet was nodding, her eyes bright.
Teddy still had reservations. "If we send in any of our Cannons into the Fan Domain, they'll be Glomped before they get two steps over the border." He warned.
Wolverine raised an eyebrow. "That's why I want you to find someone who can skip from Fiction City to the Fan Domain without being made. Someone fan-bred, but also a fringe member of Cannon."
"Me?" Teddy squeaked.
"That's easy." Juliet shrugged. "Just go down to Seedy Street and track down those Michael Gerberite freaks. Original and Cannon. Bingo."
"Nah. They're having their annual 'We Love Convenient Plot Devices' convention." Teddy said absently.
"What?"
"It means they'll drink lots, eat lots, and generally fall asleep in puddles of their own-"
"Woah, I get the picture. Didn't want the picture in the first place, but now I have it. Thanks a bunch."
"So we need someone who is Cannon and Fannon." Teddy said slowly.
"Yep." Wolverine said. "And you have a week to find someone, so Dean Winchester can return on his scheduled airdate and we can track down the True Sue, making sure that Cannon can never be so perverted ever again."
"Or what happens?"
"Fiction City is ground into ash and you'll end up being shared around the Fangirls as the Fan Domain becomes the ultimate power and slowly beings to destroy all of Cannon as we know it."
"Teddy Lupin, you're our only hope." Juliet said solemnly, before slapping him on the shoulder. "So, no pressure?"
Teddy gave an audible gulp.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the skies were an unbelievable blue. It was the sort of day that just made you want to make someone cry.
As you may have guessed, Goldie didn't like perfect days. She didn't like butterflys or pretty flowers or the poofy dresses you saw on most Fairy Tale princesses these days. However, Goldie Locks was like a magpie. She liked sparkly objects.
That was probably why she became a thief in the first place. Well, that and her next-to-criminal upbringing.
Looking down at the paper she'd snarfed from some lady's little purple bag, she studied the front page.
The Daily Soothsayer headline blared 'Society offers reward for information in Supernatural abduction case.' Goldie snorted. She didn't like the Society. Never did, since that bungle during the War of the Words when she was brought in no less than ten times on suspicion of being an OC.
No matter how many times she had tried to explain it, no one would listen. Her parents had been Fairy Tale Extras, but she was just a simple Error. Doomed to a life of never belonging anywhere.
But able to get in everywhere.
Goldie tucked the paper underneath her arm and continued on down the street. Several Gerberites waved to her as she passed, and several more hurled curses her way. Goldie replied with the finger.
Maybe she could make today a good day.