AN: Long chapter here. Goldie and Teddy have to escape from the Mary Sues.
He tried to get his thoughts in order, but for some reason his mind would not heed his demands and come together to form coherent thoughts.
He was floating.
He couldn't remember his name. He couldn't remember why he had come here. All he could recall was a moment of pain, and this. This never-ending bliss.
The woman was back. She was amazingly beautiful with the most gorgeous violet eyes. He smiled dreamily as she sat down opposite him, a clipboard in her hands. "Good morning, Teddy." She chirped cheerfully. "I trust you are feeling much better today?"
"Much." Teddy said distantly. He was away, far away, high as a kite. It reminded him of when he and his friends burnt the Dragonsblood Root, during his last year of… last year of… what was the name of that place again?
At his frown of concentration, the Mary Sue made a note on her clipboard. "Good. Very good." She murmured. "Now." She said. Her tone became serious. "What are the Royal Society's plans? When are they going to attack?"
"Who? I don't…"
"Try to remember."
'How is it progressing?' The voice chirped in her ear.
"Not good enough." The Mary Sue said. "He's been De-Characterised only enough that he should still retain vestiges of his Cannon personality, but he's not responding to stimuli."
'They've discovered a way to get past the OOC. Clever little Cannons.' The Mysterious Disembodied Voice (hereafter known as MDV) said. The Mary Sue imagined the MDV stroking her extremely attractive chin.
"What are your orders, ma'am?"
'Try the Original Character. She'll talk once she has been transformed. All hail the True Sue.'
"True Sue." Teddy's eyebrows knitted. "I remember… we're fighting the True Sue. God, I'm not supposed to be here. I've got to get out." He started to rise on wobbly legs. The Mary Sue sprung up, and with unnatural strength, she pushed him back before pulling out a syringe filled with clear liquid and injecting it into Teddy's neck.
The wizard went limp.
"What about Lupin?" She asked worriedly.
'Send him to the Re-education Institution.' MDV demanded.
"Oh, but-"
'Do you dare disobey me?"
The Mary Sue hung her head. "No, ma'am. My loyalty is to the True Sue. All hail the League of Mary Sue." This was said with just a hint of sadness.
Her head was pounding like she'd just gone head-to-head with Peter Rabbit in a drinking competition. She rolled over.
And landed on the floor with a thump.
"Dammit." She cursed, rising from the floor. Aside from a splitting headache, there seemed to be no ill effects from her capture by the Sues. She had expected copious amounts of pain, and then a bit of throbbing, and on top of that, a bit of stinging. But in fact, she felt good.
Too good.
Her nose was itching. Without thought, she reached up to scratch.
And then it hit her.
Eyes crossed, Goldie stared at her nose, the unsightly pug that was squashed ever-so-slightly to the side of her face.
However the nose that was presently on her face wasn't her own.
Hell.
Goldie tore the blankets from her body and practically pounced on the mirror that stood in the corner of the room. She took one look.
And screamed.
"Holy Mother of Merlin! I'm a Mary Sue!"
Through interlaced fingers, she peered out at her reflection. Her NEW reflection. The thick, matted yellow locks that she had inherited from her late mother were gone, replaced by golden tresses. Her murky, swamp-coloured eyes were now a clear, vibrant green. The whole shape of her face had changed and instead of just being short, she was what would be classified as petite. She suddenly had an unnatural craving for leather and lace.
I'm a mutant!
Slowly turning around, she nervously appraised herself from all angles. Nothing of the old, slightly-out-of-shape, knobbly-kneed and pug-nosed Goldie Locks had escaped the Sueification. What now stood cringing in front of the mirror was Goldie Locks Mark II.
Though not all of it was bad…
"Sweet Authors above. I could bounce a nickel off that ass." She exclaimed in surprise. "Alright, Locks, get a hold of yourself." She peered around the room. It certainly didn't look like a cell, with the antique furnishings and the bunny wallpaper. "I get it." She said. When an Original Character is Sueified, they're supposed to go over to the dark side straight away.
"Why not me?" Goldie murmured. In her moment of contemplation, she clasped her hands together.
"Ow! Motherf-" She looked down at her palm. She was still wearing the adhesive brain-zapper that Bela Talbot had given her. The Sues never realised it was there! She thought joyfully. I must have zapped myself while I was asleep!
"Now, things to do: Find Teddy, find Winchester, befriend the True Sue, destroy the weapon, neutralise the traitor and haul ass out of under an army of Mary Sues while pretending at the same time to be working on their side." Goldie sat heavily down on the bed. And it's all up to you, now. She tugged painfully at her curls.
"We're all gonna die."
There was a knock on the door and Goldie leapt to her feet. Compose yourself. Find your inner silence. She breathed out slowly. Be Mary Sue. You are Mary Sue.
The doors swung open and in stepped a woman with long, dark hair and keen eyes. There was a gun at her hip and Goldie silently told herself to get a grip. "Hello." She said, and her voice was husky like a wet cloth being dragged over gravel, but somehow still oh-so sexy. "Welcome to the League of Mary Sue, Goldie Locks. Welcome, Sister."
"How do you know my name?"
"Your… friend was very willing to share information with us when certain… methods were undertaken."
Goldie wanted to scream You monsters! What have you done with him?! but knew without a doubt that it would blow her cover. Oh God, what do I say now? Think like a Sue, think like a Sue, think like a Sue.
I've got to get to Teddy.
"I am honoured that I was chosen to bear the title of Mary Sue." Goldie responded gravely, although she was shaking inside. The answer seemed to please the other Sue, who broke into a relaxed smile.
"I am Livida of the East Sues." She said. "Formerly of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fandom."
"You're an original character too? Were an original character?" Goldie blurted before thinking.
"Once. I was taken from my village at the junction of Writer's Block and Crack!Fic before being introduced to the bliss that is Mary Sue." She said. "It's not all bad being a Sue. I'm now smokin' hot." She joked. Goldie smiled a little. She doesn't seem so bad… "I'll give you a moment to get dressed, and then the True Sue wishes to speak with you."
"Yes."
Livida closed the door behind herself and Goldie sagged. Get dressed. She wandered over to the grand wardrobe and threw open the doors. Old Goldie would have taken one look at the outfits and wrinkled up her nose. Goldie 2.0 *sqee*-d inside. Ooh! Prada!
Even though her Mary Sue voice urged her to do herself up like a ten-dollar hooker, Goldie pulled on the most no-nonsense and serviceable outfit she could find, a fitted black suit and a red top that showed off her suddenly visible cleavage. Livida was easy, but could Goldie really fool the True Sue? She paced the length of the room for a moment, wringing her hands, before smoothing her hair and walking into the hallway.
"I'm ready." She informed Livida.
The Mary Sue led her into the complex. Half of Goldie's brain was squealing with delight at the absolute abundance of hot men, and the other half was vainly trying to put some sort of leash on her hormones. It was quite a new experience for Goldie, because, let's face it, she was never exactly a guy-magnet. If a cute guy even looked at her, Old Goldie would have gone bright red, swallowed her tongue, and made an excuse to vamoose.
New Goldie oozed confidence with every step.
She didn't like it. She had become one of the women that her and her friends used to jeer at down the street when they were all in highschool.
They'll find a way to make me normal again. They will. I've just got to keep it together for a bit longer.
More doors. Larger and more imposing this time. Goldie raised an eyebrow. Feelings of inadequacies, yes? Behind that door was the largest room that Goldie had ever seen, way trumping anything there had been at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fictional Characters. At the far end of the room, mounted on a stone plinth was a gigantic winged chair, like a throne. Goldie gaped.
"Marvellous, isn't it?"
Goldie Locks looked around for the mysterious disembodied voice. "Welcome, Goldie Locks, into the heart of the Fan Domain."
Say something, you twit.
"I am privileged that I have been shown this great majesty of the Fan Domain." She managed to get out.
"Goldie Locks, I am the True Sue." The MDV continued. "And I welcome you to the fold. Welcome, little sister."
"Thank you?"
Livida came into the room, and clasped her hands neatly behind her back. Not a hair was out of place and her complexion was so rosy and perfect that she did not require makeup.
"Livida, there were no incidents?"
"No, ma'am." Livida said. "All tests indicate that the primary personality has been erased."
That was when Goldie's heart really began to pound.
"As you may suspect, you have been shown into my inner sanctum for a reason." The MDV continued. "I need you to assist me in an endeavour."
Gold.
"I will do my best." Goldie said guardedly.
"I know that you were sent here by the Royal Society." The voice said. "You and that Cannon character. You will tell me of what they were planning. When do they intend to attack my fortress?"
Tread carefully, Goldie. "My life belongs to the True Sue and the League of Mary Sue." Goldie said. "However, before I give you such information, I wish to negotiate. I want something from you." Easy, girl. Don't get too forward.
"Give me back Teddy Lupin, and all I know will be yours."
"Hm." The voice demurred. "You are still the extortionist, I see."
"He is… a friend of mine."
"A friend?"
"A good friend. He has quite a nice figure."
The True Sue laughed. "Indeed, Little Sister, indeed. You are truly one of us. Livida,"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Fetch me the boy. I want him unscathed." The voice instructed. "If our Goldie Locks wants the wizard, she can have the wizard. Now, what have you to tell me, Little Sister?"
"Not until I have Teddy with me." Goldie replied defiantly. For a moment she thought she might have blown it, until the True Sue replied.
"A good Sue is a persistent Sue. You have a deal, small one."
Goldie swallowed her panic, and walked along like this was an everyday occurrence for her. Livida was leading the way through the asylum, and the two of them were being followed by the dark, brooding jailer who once used to be an Original Character in the Capitol before he was captured by the League of Mary Sue and Suified.
"This way."
Goldie was ushered into a padded cell, Livida behind her. Teddy Lupin was curled into a ball in the corner furthest away from the door, head down and arms wrapped around his knees. His hair, normally a bright and cheery turquoise, had given way to a dull brown.
"What have they done to you?" Goldie whispered as she sank down on her knees beside him. "Is re-education code for psychological torture?" She demanded of Livida. The Mary Sue shrugged.
"It is the way the True Sue orders us to re-educate troublesome Cannons into the glory of being Sue." But even she did not sound all that certain. "I do think it gets cruel. It's like beating a puppy. How is a puppy supposed to know what it is doing wrong?"
Goldie felt her face grow red and she bit off an angry retort. She touched her palm. The electro-shock buzzer was still there. Over the last half-hour she had checked the adhesive on the device, but it seemed determined to stay on her hand. Waiting for one of these moments.
"Teddy? Teddy, it's me, Goldie Locks. That vagabond you picked up in the shire of Fairy Tales?"
No response. Goldie slid her hand up the side of his face, and gently pressed her palm against his skin. Through her hand she could feel the jolt of electricity, but it was too small an exchange for Livida to have noticed anything.
After the initial shock, slowly the wizard stopped trembling. "Goldie?" He whispered. "You look like hell."
"Nice to see you again, Magic Man." Goldie gave him a quick hug. "Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" She hissed by his ear. "Shut up and follow my lead."
"He is yours if you want him." The jailer offered. Teddy stiffened.
"Sure." Goldie said casually. "Who wouldn't want their own insanely famous boy-toy that can change any part of his anatomy?" She quirked her eyebrows in a you know what I mean gesture. Teddy's face darkened, and she leaned in close. "Kiss me." She hissed.
"What?"
"Kiss me or they'll know you're normal again."
"I have a girlfriend."
"I'll tell her you were under duress. Do it!"
And so the brave young wizard screwed his eyes shut and kissed the one woman he would have never dreamed about kissing in a million years.
Eventually Goldie Locks managed to get him back to her room, in a strictly non-sexual way (not that the other Mary Sues knew. Half of them were foaming at the mouth now Teddy Lupin was Goldie's 'property').
"I can't believe you bought me."
"Stop complaining. You could have been somebody's bitch right now." Goldie was flicking through a sheaf of papers she had stolen from the institution and had stuffed down her bra.
"You can't tell them the plan."
"I'm not. I'm going to stall."
"For what?"
"So you can find Winchester and the weapon." Goldie said. "I'll make it sound like the truth, because that's what I do best."
"I almost forgot you were a con-artist." He sniped.
"And I almost forgot you were a weenie." Goldie shot back.
"And these pants chafe." Teddy complained.
"Oh, good. Something else you can complain about." His companion said mildly. "Look, for the time being, we're safe. I, for want of a better word, own you. That means no one else is allowed to touch you or the True Sue gets right pissed, and me, we wont even go there." Goldie sucked in a breath. "Teddy?"
"Mmm?"
"Is there any way, any conceivable way, that the Society can make me normal again?" She sounded worried. "I mean, this look will work for undercover, but I don't want to be like this forever."
Teddy looked back at the Sueified Goldie Locks. His look said it all. "I'm sorry." He said simply. "There is no known cure for any character that has been Sueified."
Goldie's shoulders slumped. "I guess my old life's gone the way of the dodo, then."
"I really am sorry, you know."
"That's okay. I can go work for Victoria's Secret, or something." She replied.
"We could reseach for a cure, but that would effectively mean offering yourself as a human guinea pig, and quite frankly, a lot of the professors they have working at the Society I wouldn't trust near me with a needle-"
"Oh my God."
"Yeah, sometimes they even miss your vein altogether and your arm's numb for a week."
"No, no. Look at this." Goldie offered him the papers she had stolen. On one was a brain wave activity graph.
"What am I looking at?"
"My Sueification report. Something Livida said when I was presented to the True Sue wasn't right, so I swiped these. She said that the Sueification had destroyed my primary personality, which is, of course, the Goldie that we all know and love."
Teddy snorted. "But look at this spike here. That's me. My personality. I – I was physically transformed, but…"
"Your mind didn't become Mary Sue-like." Teddy said. "That's-"
"Insane. I was deliberately left normal." Goldie finished. "And then Livida lied to the True Sue about it."
Teddy stroked his chin. "So the Mary Sues aren't following the True Sue's orders anymore." He said. "The question is: why?"