Chronicles of God
Part 3
Well, I really thought Part 2 was going to be the end of this epic, amazing, and whatever awesome words describing sheer amazingness for a story! So anyway, off of ranting, I saw some funny stuff about Poseidon that reminded me of this story, and my friends wanted more, so, here we are now. Me being bored at midnight on a Tuesday writing yet another part of this… erm… what some would call down right terrible tale of god. I LOVE IT!
Scene I
(God's eyes slowly peeked open to find a completely messy, empty, disorganized room. God looked around his room only to find a mess, Santa Clause decapitated in the corner, and Brittany Spears in the corner poking at her bold scalp and burping out bubbles. God arose to his feat, dusted off his robe and went over to his desk.)
God: (with an exhausted tone, and look) Brittany, please will you start cleaning my office, for I wish to have it clean just in case, umm… (Confused) Oh, yes, just in case Hitler tries to eat my carpet again! You know how he is.
Brittany: (With a blank, smiling face) Butterscotch, BlowJob, Easter!
God: (questioningly) hmm… yes? I suppose those things are nice? But can you clean my office?
Brittany: (Jumping with excitement) PANTY RAID!
God: (getting more frustrated and confused) That really has nothing to do with, well, NOTHING! Please, just clean my office.
Brittany: (Grabs a vacuum and starts to vacuum the ceiling) Toaster Strudel!
God: (Emotionless) Yes, toaster strudel…
(God continued working on his formation of Buttered Toast Asshole (Earth 2) and to help him along he had Brittany Spears help him with his roadblocks)
God: Brittany, I realized I'm going to need more then one secretary to manage this earth, any ideas?
Brittany: Butter!
God: A human would be nice?
Brittany: PINK!
God: That's a color Brittany, I need a living thing?
Brittany: SPORKS!
God: (with an even more irritated look then before) That is eating utensils, not to mention sporks are inbreeders, eeeh!
(Randomly the ground started to shake the ground opens up and out comes Zeus only wearing a fig leaf and one left sock.)
Zeus: (with a perverted smile) Did somebody say inbreeders! I could use some sex right now!
Brittany: My Grandpa bumped my mother!
God: (look of despair) Oh dear not you Zeus…
Zeus: (With an insulted look) How dare you! I did not have sex with a deer!
God: (About to speak, but lost his words from confusion) … Wait, what? Ahh, never mind I'm sure I don't want to know! Now, Brittany, do I have to spell out what I need?
Brittany: I won the Grand Champions Spelling Bee!
God: (surprised) Wow didn't see that coming? Ok, I need an S-E-C-R-E-T-A-R-Y!
Brittany: That's me! Hehe!
God: (annoyed) I know you're my secretary, but I need more then one. Who else can I hire?
Brittany: I don't get it, giggles are super!
God: (look of despair) Why do I bother, this was a lot easier when I had Angle here!
Zeus: (Gathered a stroke of genius) I know someone you can hire! (Raises hand) psssst, pick me!
God: (annoyed) Zeus do you have something to add to this quite dead conversation? Wait, speaking of dead? (God grabs a knife) SUICIDE TIME! (Cuts off his thumb, dies, and comes back to life) Anyway, Zeus, you were saying?
Zeus: (applause) Oh yes, you can hire my sex partner Hercules!
God: (confused look) Sounds good… wait what did you call him, before?
Zeus: Pepperoni?
Brittany: Pepperoni's reminds me of plastic surgery, and daisies! Hehe!
God: (disgusted) Okay that is your son, and your sex partner? That's a bit out there Zeus!
Zeus: (preventively) Cant have fun without a hole!
Brittany: HERSEY HIGHWAY!
God: (face starts to turn red) Brittany stay out of this!
(Brittany's head started to spin around, and around tell finally it stopped and rolled off her own body then they body melted revealing a extremely short, fat version of Brittany. She then pulled out her own hair, screamed, and jumped out the window.)
God: (stunned and surprised) Wow that couldn't get much freakier?
(Suddenly the flames arose from the ground, a loud bang felt the room. From the flames Hades appears
Hades: (runs over to the severed head of Brittany Spears) Heh heh, MY HEAD, MINE! (Starts to snort her hair) I SEE MUFFINS MY DEAR! (Grabs her head and holds it close) Row, row, row your boat gently across the stream! (Hades then runs out the window)
Zeus: (stunned now as well) I think it just got creepier? I forgot why we disowned him as a brother, but now I remember. But, I don't remember how I remembered this? Who are you?
God: (slightly confused) People say my family is screwed up. Okay, Where's this Hercules person at, now I'm short one secretary…
Zeus: (pulls out a whistle and blows into it) He should be here soon, If Pegasus doesn't have an asthma attack first, he's picked up a nasty smoking habit.
(Suddenly Pegasus lands on the balcony of the office with Hercules upon his back. Hercules gets off and looks at Pegasus. Pegasus takes the cigarette out of his mouth and puts it out on Hercules chest.)
Zeus: (happy) HELLO SEX BUDDY!
Hercules: (pissed) Shut it old man before I take those lightning bolts and shove them up your ass!
Zeus: (starts screaming like a little girl, runs to a corner and sucks his thumb)
God: (slightly resistant) Umm, Hercules, you can start organizing my files in the filing cabinet.
Hercules: What ever (walks to the files and starts to organize them)
God: Hmm, Hercules, how should the world become itself, I don't want the "Big Bang" again I keep getting this nagging feeling that I wasn't pacific enough with it.
Hercules: Make the world in something that makes people stomach turn. Create the world in a blood bath or have the Universe rain dead baby orphans and suddenly Earth 2 will appear. I don't know just some ideas.
God: (Happy, excited) you're a genius Hercules! I WILL COOK AND BAKE EARTH TWO AS IF IT WAS A COOKIE! Not a sugar cookie thou, I hate sugar cookies!
Hercules: (rolling his eyes) this is what I get from being created by a woman and a beam of sunlight.
(Suddenly the filing cabinet flies open, and Hades head pops out with a rope. He puts the rope around Hercules head and strangles him to death grabs his body and pulls him in)
Hades: (spaced out look) Don't worry Hercules I got you. (Pulls him into the filing cabinet) She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes (slowly Hades head disappears into the files)
God: (angry) Oh my God! Who does that!
Zeus: HEY YOUR GOD! Oh, and answering your second question Hades does that.
God: I hate you.
Zeus: I LOVE PINEAPPLE!
God: (exhausted) Let's go get pizza…
Zeus: (happy) COOL! I could use some sex, do you think we could see God there?
God: Theirs a slight possibility.
Scene 2
(While this whole thing was happening, a certain someone was watching there every move in a different office.)
Angle: (with an evil grin) Hmm… I see you're getting more serious God, very impressive, very impressive indeed! Hitler bring my plans!
Hitler: (clueless) TZAH BLAH!
Angle: (questioningly) If I knew what you were saying I'm sure id smack you.
Hitler: BAH!
Angle: (compromising) Yes, yes, BAH! Now get my plans!
Hitler: BAH!
Angle: (angrily) LISTEN YOU HALF A TWIT! YOU WILL GO GET MY PLANS OR ILL HAVE THIS CAPTURED RASH HERE EAT YOUR FACE, AGAIN!
Hitler: (runs and grabs the plans and brings them back)
Angle: (exhausted) now was that so difficult to do?
Hitler: (yelling) NAI!
Angle: (interested) why is everything you say in a loud angry tone?
Hitler: BAH!
Angle: (aggravated) Forget I mention it.
Hitler: BAH!
Angle: (angrier then before) SHUT THE HELL UP!
Hitler: (runs over and closes the doors to hell, and runs back) BAH!
Angle: (hands Hitler a bottle of pills) Here, go over there and eat these…
Hitler: (leaves the room)
Angle: (evilly) Ah, now I remember I will make the Devil my slave, when he's my slave I will be able to harness or at least manipulate his powers! (Stops for a moment) Wait why does the word "manipulate" start with "man" (yells) HITLER!
Hitler: (comes out with 5 pills in each nostril) BAH!
Angle: (teasing) Wow, you're an intelligent one…
Hitler: BAH!
Angle: (commanding) yes, yes, I'm sure… Hitler, I need you to change the word "manipulate" into "womanipulate" got it?
Hitler: BAH! (Runs out of the room)
Angle: (rustling through papers) Where was I, oh yes I will get the devil on my side and take over God's head house, leaving me the new god! (Thinking) I will need to distract him, but that couldn't be too hard? I'll just distract him and his friends with Trapping CHEESE! MWUAH HAH!
(Back at God's Office, Zeus and God walk back in to find a single wedge of cheese in the middle of the floor, on it theirs a tag that says "Hello, my name is Daniella."
(To Be Continued in Part Four)