Six things that distinguish The Adventures of Goldie Locks from other mainstream fanfiction:

? The male and female leads that disliked each other at the beginning remain so throughout the fanfic.

? The apocalypse decides to arrive on a nice sunny day for once, instead of the dead of night where it's cold and rainy and the leads can be lit noir-like against a dark and dingy backdrop.

? The lead does not go on a deep, dark emotional journey of the soul, does not find his soul mate who is not cruelly taken from him and doesn't go home a changed man.

? To avoid badly written and anatomically impossible sex, the whole situation is averted by censoring large portions of text, leaving it so the most sexually suggestive scene is the wizard caressing his wand.

? The evil villain does not turn out to be really a nice guy after all.

AND

? The female lead is a bitchy, rude, self-possessed kleptomaniac ex-dwarf and a blatant Mary Sue, but for some unfathomable reason, people enjoy reading about her.

Dean Winchester was tall, muscled, and indecently handsome. Needless to say, Teddy hated him almost immediately. Okay, Teddy himself could look tall, muscled, and indecently handsome if the whim took him, but it really wasn't the same. Underneath he would still be the same slightly too skinny and a bit uncoordinated wizard he had always been. As soon as Winchester had sussed out the fact that the wizard and the temporarily-Mary-Sue-type person weren't threats, he had immediately attempted to lay the charm on thick for Goldie.

Bloody smarmy American git.

Goldie Locks responded to his advances with one of her ego-shattering, flat-eyed stares and Teddy felt slightly better.

When the bell signalling the end of the lunch break went off, the three of them scarpered, slipping into a conveniently empty office. Plot Points. We're here to help you! "Convenient." Goldie turned back to the two men like a general surveying the troops and pulled the plans for the Cannon Converter out. "This is what we're looking for." She spread the blueprints across the desk and Dean pulled them toward himself to take a proper look.

"Damn, who the hell's been working on this? All the evil geniuses from every James bond movie ever made and a few that haven't?" He said. "Should be fairly easy. We're in. All we have to do is find this ray gun and destroy it. No mess. Nice 'n' easy."

Dean's optimistic tone annoyed Teddy to no end. "It's not that simple, colonial." He said. He looked down at his watch with the stars and the moons. "We have seven hours until the Royal Society attacks the Fan Domain. But the Sues know we're coming and are launching a counter-attack, which is, I'm guessing, where the weapon will be detonated. However the True Sue knows that there is a resistance group among her Mary Sues, and she has surely laid a trap for them."

He looked at Goldie and Dean. "Someone has to go to the Royal Society and get them to delay the attack, and someone has to go back into the Fan Domain to warn the Mary Sue resistance."

"Did you just call me a colonial?"

"My point is, this is about more than the weapon. The Cannon Converter must be made a priority, but though we now know definitely where it is, that buys us a little time. Now I suggest-"

"Excuse me, who died and left you in charge?" Winchester interrupted.

Teddy scowled. "I was merely offering a suggestion seeing that you so far have not come up with any great pearls of wisdom."

"You little-"

"Cut it out! My God, are all interfictional relations like this? You pair are acting like a couple of pre-pubescent teenage girls," Goldie stepped between the leading man and the supporting character, cutting into the testosterone-fuelled tension. "But if you want to get all daytime TV about it, it was technically me that was put in charge of this mission."

"B-but-" Teddy spluttered. Goldie looked at him. "Think about it." She insisted. "You were only there to get me safely into the Fan Domain and protect me until I had found the weapon and the missing half of Demons 'R' Us." She indicated Dean.

"Now here's what we do:"

Teddy Lupin and Dean Winchester both looked at Goldie Locks. Not that he ever would have admitted it, but Teddy was secretly glad that Goldie had stepped in and taken control. He tried to sound confident, but he really had no idea what they were supposed to do in the face of imminent destruction.

"Teddy, you need to get out of here. Go to the Royal Society as soon as you can and convince them to delay their attack. Tell them that the Sues they're about to obliterate are probably on their side. I've got a feeling that the True Sue is gonna use the good Mary Sues as bait to draw the Royal Society out."

"And then her and her cronies will jump us from behind and wipe everyone out at once." Dean mused. "Clever bitch. No match for our clever bitch, though." The way he said it was meant as a complement.

"Thank you." Goldie said.

"What about you?"

"Me and Butch are going back to the Fan Domain."

"We are?" Dean echoed. "Why would I want to go there? They want me dead!"

"Me an' Teddy disappeared from the Fan Domain hours ago. They probably want me dead too!" His tone didn't impress her. Where was the hero that laughed in the face of danger? Maybe he had just finally wised up and realised that being a hero hurt. "And after all I was told about you, I find out that you're a bigger wet blanket than my friend Ali, and he's a Persian rug that lives near the beach."

Dean gave her the Dark-And-Brooding-Hunk glare. Goldie was tempted to stick out her tongue. She poked a sharp finger into his breastbone. "Besides, the Mary Sue resistance will only answer to you since that's where your double is, consolidating his power. He's taken your face. Are you really okay with that?"

His face screwed into a grimace. Apparently the woman had read the fact file about him and had come to realise that Dean was very touchy when it came to other creatures trying on his face for kicks. "You're a very manipulative woman, aren't you?" He said finally.

"Welcome to my world." Teddy muttered. "What about you?"

"I've got someone to find." Goldie said grimly. "And I'm going to beat what he knows out of him, if need be."

"What about the weapon?"

Goldie grabbed Teddy's wrist so she could squint at his watch. "We do our jobs ASAP." She said. "And meet back here in… four hours enough for you?" She asked the young wizard.

Teddy nodded. "If I'm not tied up in any bureaucratic red tape." Goldie could tell by the way his brows knitted that the man was worried. Teddy was good at worrying, but this time she was fairly sure he had a good reason. "It'll be fine." She gave a weak little grin and then patted him familiarly on the bottom. Teddy couldn't help but grin back. "But," She said, with her own worried look. "Teddy, if we don't make it back here in four hours, you're going to have to destroy the weapon yourself."

"I will." He vowed.

Goldie glanced after Teddy as the wizard walked away, the almost-comical blue hair glinting in the sunlight. For a moment it felt like a small furry animal was crawling up her throat, but then she shook her head and the unsettling feelings were lost. Breathe, she told herself. Millions of people are relying on you to not screw this up.

No pressure.

As Teddy walked away, he smoothly shifted shape back into his handsome alter-ego of Edward. He moved with a purpose. Early on in his training with the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fictional Characters he discovered that if you looked at all times like you meant business and walked like you knew exactly where you were going, people tended to leave you alone.

In this case it helped that he did know where he was going. Slipping out the service entrance, his legs almost folded underneath him as he stepped out onto the familiar soil of Fiction City.

Teddy hurried down the footpath, shouldering through the crowds, which were lining up for the unholy, consumer-driven spectacle that was the Honoured Fandom parade. Scowling, Teddy dropped the illusion of Edward, changing smoothly back into his own shape.

"Oh my God, it's Teddy Lupin!" A hysterical female voice shouted out behind him, and in a matter of seconds, the crowds of fans parted around him, like Moses parting the Red Sea. Teddy looked around. During festival time, all Apparation licences were temporarily revoked so that even the most frugal wizard was forced to walk through the bazaar and almost physically compelled to buy something.

It was a stupid rule, but at the last election the majority voted for the law to remain, as one of the councillors said, if the rest of the population had to suffer the festival, then the wizards could damn well endure it too.

It was too far to walk so he saw only one other option. Forcing himself not to think about how many Health & Safety rules he was breaking, Teddy pushed through the crowd and swiftly scaled the protective barrier. His long legs took him quickly to the nearest float and he seized a fistful of fake flowers before hauling himself up off the street.

All the float's occupants were looking at him as though the only time they'd seen a blue-haired man hop a float was during pledge week, or while they were really drunk. Maybe both. Teddy fished around in his jeans and pulled out his badge.

"Royal Society. I'm commandeering your float."

All was silent until the leading character stepped up to him to ask a question.

"What's up, Doc?"

The route Goldie and Dean were taking was somewhat less scenic and a lot more confusing. The Fan Domain wasn't exactly your everyday holiday destination, and knowing the Dean-bot could be anywhere waiting to rip you limb from limb made it even less appealing. Walking along, it occurred to Goldie that people actually paid to feel like this, with the adrenaline pumping and the senses tingling and the little voice telling you to hide under the covers until it's all over.

Pondering as she was, it took her a moment to register the fact that Dean was talking to her.

"Huh?"

"I said, 'now what'?"

He was looking at her so expectantly that all of a sudden; Goldie's universe came crashing down.

"I don't know!" She hollered. "You're supposed to be the big, bad hero who's an expert in all this supernatural stuff. I'm just a dwarf with anger-management issues from a town so small you could drive up the middle of the main street and never even notice. I'm not a hero, I'm a thief. I don't do so well with the fate of the universe hanging in the balance."

Dean winced and looked around, hoping that no one had heard her meltdown. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her into a small alcove so that both of them were off the main walkway.

"Listen to me." He hissed. He felt like shaking her. Damn, why did she have to pick now? "If you were such a pathetic waste of space that you seem to think you are, how come you and David Copperfield back there managed to get all the way in here and work out most of the True Sue's plans?"

"Trial and error, mostly." Goldie sniffed.

"Just keep it together a bit longer. We need you." He stopped, looking awkward, suddenly aware of what he had said and how girly it sounded. He dragged a hand across his mouth. "Now I don't know where that came from. I don't do motivational speeches by a rule."

"Teddy told me this one. He said that in the Fan Domain, fanfiction clichés gain strength the closer you are to the centre. Or something. Super strength. Super abilities." She frowned, and crossed her arms. "The tendency for the lead female to freak out at least once before the end of the story." She mumbled.

"Supporting characters that suddenly become freakishly insightful?" Dean suggested. "Let's just go before we get more superpowers. This isn't Heroes. I don't think I could stand getting in touch with my feminine side."

Goldie punched his shoulder. Dean grinned. "See? Back to normal already."

She took him back to the plothole that she and Teddy had fallen down. It now seemed so long ago. Dean held out an arm to stop her. "I got this one," He said, and jumped. Goldie peered over the edge, shocked. "Winchester, you moron!" She shouted out behind him.

She was about to throw herself in after him when the ground began rushing up at her. Dean was grinning at her, all smug and satisfied. He offered his hand and Goldie swung down before Dean could mention how clever he was.

The column of rock settled back down into the ground.

"This way."

The underground base merged smoothly with the cave so you didn't realise you were in the Mary Sue's resistance hideout until you stepped onto the carpet.

"Remind me why we're doing this again?"

"You know, end of the world, death and destruction, widespread slavery, out of coffee."

"Ah." Dean stroked his chin. "Must be Tuesday."

Goldie heard claws clacking across the floor. She motioned Dean back against the wall and peered around the corner. There was the sound of an office door closing. "Mervin." She hissed.

"Who?"

After all her pondering and roundabout logic, Goldie had concluded that only the bloodhound could have ratted on them, causing her and Teddy to be captured in the first place. She had been wondering why Mervin had the plans to the Cannon Converter in the first place, and now she knew without a doubt.

"He was helping the True Sue plan all this. He's helping her to trap the free Mary Sues. As soon as the blueprints went missing, he cried wolf." She balled her fists. "I'm gonna kick his hairy snout so far down his neck he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his ass to clean his teeth."

Dean was staring at her with something akin to startled horror. "What?"

"Have you always been this violent?" He asked. "You should be wearing a Parental Advisory sign 'round your neck."

"You have a problem with that?"

"Actually, it's kinda hot."

Speechless, with the back of her neck growing hot, Goldie barged into Mervin's office to avoid thinking about what he had just said.

"Hi, fleabag. It's time for your neutering." She announced, Dean not far behind her.

"Someone's in the doghouse."

"Someone's in the doghouse?"

"Well, you've already used the neutering line." Dean shot back. The suspiciously ambidextrous dog leapt to his hind paws and began to back away. "Easy, Fido." Dean easily stepped over the little desk and shepherded Mervin to the back corner of the room. "Panic button." Dean said over his shoulder to Goldie.

"You are in direct conflict with your programming. Stand down." The bloodhound commanded.

"Looks like my circuits have gone a bit haywire." Dean sneered.

"Fu-" Mervin shrunk back even further as he realised that he was no longer dealing with Robo-Dean, but the genuine article himself. The dog began to whine in the back of his throat, a pitiful leave-me-alone-or-I'll-cry sound. "What do you want?"

Goldie carefully closed the office door. "Just a few questions, Merv. Me and my friend have just got a few questions."

"Yeah, like I'll believe you, the time travelling blonde." The dog sneered. "I wont tell you anything!"

Dean lifted the bloodhound by the scruff of the neck. Mervin was only a small dog, and Dean Winchester was a tall man. It was a long way to fall. "Drop him." Goldie commanded coldly.

"Don't drop him! Don't drop him!" Mervin spun around in Dean's grip, the extra folds of skin around his neck giving him some extra leeway but not enough to escape or claw the man holding him. "I'll tell you! Don't drop me!"

"You really are a spineless little prairie dog, aren't you?" Dean asked. He glanced at Goldie. "I think I can safely say I've never done this before."

"This is me. Living large." Goldie said dryly. "You just hold the puppy like a good boy." She clasped her hands behind her back, assuming the classic spy-interrogator pose.

"All you're missing is the riding crop and the bad accent."

"Shut up." Goldie looked flatly at the bloodhound. "You betrayed us to the Mary Sues." She said in an ugly voice. "You built the Cannon Converter. You're helping her lead the League of Mary Sue into a trap. Why?"

"Did she pay you?" Dean asked. "Or threaten you?"

Mervin just hung there, quivering. "I'm thinking threaten, then."

"Well, if it works…" Goldie poked the canine in the ribs. "Tell us what you know or I'll rip off your head and hang it on the wall in my apartment." Her face was deadly serious. After her little spaz, Goldie was determined to see this through to the end. Otherwise she had risked everything for nothing.

"I didn't want to!" The dog wailed. "She made me do it! I have a family. I have eight puppies to feed. She said she'd drown them in a bucket of water if I didn't help her! What was I supposed to do?" Goldie felt a small twinge of sympathy, but this was not the time for emotion. "Because I used to be a robotics scientist long before she took over-"

"Wait. Did you build Robo-Dean?" Dean demanded.

The dog looked forlorn.

"There must be a kill switch." Goldie said. "The last thing we need is some cyborg busting in when we're trying to save the day."

"Put me down."

Dean looked at Goldie, eyebrow raised.

"Put me down, please?"

"Do it." The woman said. The bloodhound dropped ungraciously to the floor. Barely missing a beat, the dog scurried to the desk, picked up a pen and began to write something on a scrap of paper. It was quite a neat trick, considering that Mervin had no opposable thumbs. Or fingers.

"It's a voice code tied to Dean Winchester's vocal patterns, so only you and… Robo-Dean have the ability to shut it down. A kill switch that is guaranteed never to be tripped."

"Well, that shouldn't be too hard, since I am Dean Winchester."

The bloodhound folded the scrap of paper in half and handed it back to Dean. The man knelt down to take it off the dog and opened the paper to read whatever it said. And then the most curious thing happened.

Dean blushed.

"What is it?" Goldie stood on her toes, craning her neck to try and see. "I can't see! What is it?"

"Something that Dean Winchester has always secretly wanted to say, but never would. An extra precaution built in to make sure the bucket of bolts wouldn't destroy himself." The furry scientist looked carried away by his own genius. "However, you must remember to be at least twenty feet away."

"Why's that?"

"Because it is literally a kill switch, wired into the auto destruct. My idea, in case of, well, just because, really."

Goldie was still trying to see the password. Dean balled the paper in his fist and shoved it into a pocket.

"Just a little hint?" She wheedled.

"No."

"I wont tell anyone."

"Liar."

"Mr Winchester." Mervin interrupted. "If you are attempting to stop the True Sue's war, Robo-Dean will try and kill you. You will have to say the words."

"Gulp." Goldie said.