A shame is getting to the end of a tale you have been thoroughly enjoying.
A crying shame is realising the story doesn't actually finish for an undetermined number of books, and you aren't sure you have the stamina to get through them all.
An epic is a book or series of books that reach cult status and you can read over and over again without ever getting tired of the plot or the characters.
An epic failure is a book or series of books that you read and simultaneously wonder how they managed to get published in the first place, why it's so darn popular and who they bribed to get their legions of pre-teen fans.
"It's quiet."
"If you say it's too quiet, I swear I'll pop you one."
Goldie had to grudgingly admit that Dean was right. The people were gone. There were only the robots and Mervin left to man the fort. She looked down at the bloodhound as he closed the door behind them.
"Where is everyone?"
"Er," He said, looking sheepish. "It's nothing to worry about." Dean winced as soon as the canine uttered that sentence. As soon as someone said that there was nothing to worry about, he was always immediately set on edge. "I'm sure it's just typical-"
"Stop waffling or you'll be chasing dumptrucks in that kennel in the sky."
Mervin hung his head. "Two hours ago the True Sue ordered all Mary Sues and Gary Stus to group in the Wasteland and await further instructions. She kept a group of about seven Sues out, which she took wherever she was going."
Dean and Goldie looked at each other. That's not good. "She knew we were coming. We're out of time." Goldie said.
Dean's eyes were hard. "Then let's go whoop some ass." He said, an almost maniacal edge to his voice.
"Are you actually enjoying this?"
"Imminent destruction. Evil chick who wants to be the Supreme Bitch. Unspecified amount of time until the end of the world. This is just another day at the office for me."
Goldie turned to Mervin. "How far are the Wastelands from here?" She asked. The Wastelands were the only existing remnants from the War of the Words long ago. Legend said that where the ruins now stood there was once a magnificent civilisation known as the Emerald City.
"About a week away if you run really fast."
Goldie felt like banging her head against the wall. Her wellspring of crazy ideas had run dry. Mervin was chewing at a forepaw when inspiration struck. "We can fly!"
Dean's eyes darted around like that of a trapped wild animal. "Fly? I'm… not so good with the flying."
"Reach deep down inside yourself and grow some testosterone, will you?!" Goldie snapped.
"Wow." Dean said, his brow furrowed. "You never knew my dad, did you?"
Little did she realise that soon she would have exactly the same opinion as Dean Winchester on flying when she realised exactly what was Mervin's method of transportation.
"You've got to be kidding me." She exploded.
The hangar full of giant eagles looked down on the three of them. The one nearest to Goldie looked like he could take her head off in one snap of his wickedly curved beak. Oblivious to his companion's discomfort, Mervin rattled on. "All right, pretties, let's go. Dean, you go on Bluetip. I'll go on Feather. Goldie, you take Ramón over there. Good little birdies. I'll get you some crackers later."
"Dulce madre de Dios." The obviously Spanish eagle muttered. "I'll tell you what you can do with those crackers, idiota."
After Teddy explained most of the peculiarities of his rather unique situation to the cast of the Looney Tunes, the characters were almost too pleased to help him out, even going so far as to ask the float driver nicely to drop the young wizard at the door of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fictional Characters.
Bugs Bunny asked him for his autograph before he left.
The office was festooned with political propaganda. The next Society electoral vote was coming up, and the position of President was up for grabs. There were many characters coming forward for the head job, though it looked like a pretty sure thing that the Wolverine would be having yet another clean sweep at the leadership job. Fictional characters slept better at night knowing that Wolverine was looking after them, rather than Shrew the shrew who had a walk-on part in the Wind in the Willows.
Teddy stepped into the elevators. The lifts were the only things left that were distinctly wizarding. He pressed the button for the President's floor and the elevator was off, shooting left before going straight up so fast that anyone who didn't actually work here would be a gooey mess on the floor.
The lift pinged on the correct floor and the doors slid open smoothly. Each President had a different way of dressing the top floor. During the corruption of the Sopranos' age, the walls and floors were dark and ominous, curtains permanently drawn menacingly across the windows. Wolverine, however, had simply removed the windows to begin with. Everything was industrial grey and sleek, in a no-frills kind of way, except for the row of glass cases that ran along the far wall.
All but one of those cases held supersuits, sometimes varying in colour and design. Beside each case was a plaque that bore the year the suit was issued, and a list of enemies faced before the next outfit was manufactured. Teddy's respect for Wolverine ratcheted up a further notch. Surely a man would have to be brave to face his enemies wearing a strange concoction of leather and spandex?
He knocked on the office door. Wolverine was very particular about visitors knocking before entering the office. The last person who barged in and took Logan by surprise ended up with a spoon shoved through his skull.
They removed the utensil all right and it didn't harm his brain all that much, but now when the agent stands with his ear to the wind, the hole makes a pretty whistling sound. Some may say that Wolverine was overly paranoid. The President said that he was only very, very alert.
The doors slid open.
The office was filled with more paraphernalia from the good old days when you could decapitate the suspect and they would be all right the next morning when the Authors needed a villain for the next issue.
"It's Agent Lupin." Teddy called. "Sir, are you in? I've got something very important to tell you."
"It's a shame he's not here." The voice was high and female, and before Teddy could even say accio, plot point, the woman stood up from Wolverine's high-backed leather recliner, her back to the young wizard. "So why don't you tell me instead?"
Teddy was shocked. Nothing in the last ten chapters had led him to the conclusion that there would be yet another twist before the end.
The woman's glorious silky hair fell in untamed waves halfway down her back, and she was clothed in a simple robe of light pink that shifted and defined her form with the slightest movement. She ran a hand along the long, smooth ivory column of neck, and gave a low laugh. It sounded a little odd, a little distorted, rather like her voice had been.
But then she turned and Teddy recoiled.
Where the enchanting eyes in the enchanting face framed with the tresses of molten gold should have been, there was…
Nothing.
Her face, that thing that should have been of such beauty, simply didn't exist, like it had never been there at all.
"You know who I am?"
"The True Sue." Teddy sighed. "And we meet face to fa- Yes, I know who you are."
"The magic meddler that thinks that he and his little mutant paramour actually have a hope of defeating me." Her voice had a fluid quality, like water.
"Where's Wolverine?" He asked.
"You're behind the times, sweetheart. He's gone to inspect the garrison. You should have guessed that he was expecting something." She pointed at the empty case that should have housed the most state-of-the-art supersuit to date. "Actually, he is very shortly going to have an accident." Teddy guessed that if she had a mouth she would have been smiling smugly. "In fact, the whole of Fiction City is about to have a very nasty accident when the army of Sues attack the wall in about, oh, forty five minutes or so?"
Teddy understood. "The Sues and the Royal Society are going to kill each other." He said. "Then what? You and your disciples swoop in to sort out the mess?"
"To soothe Fiction's fevered brow." The True Sue said. "Then I will proceed to crown myself Queen and lead the entirety of Cannon into the bliss that is Mary Sue." She spread her arms wide.
Teddy made a break for it then, but before he could reach the elevator, he was swept up into the huge, musclebound green arms of someone who was horribly familiar.
"Hulk got skinny blue-haired man. Hulk smash?"
The young wizard couldn't believe it. The Incredible Hulk was hardy like they depicted him. Despite his size and superhuman strength, he was surprisingly kind and gentle. He got upset when he accidentally squashed a daisy. His alter ego of Bruce Banner, on the other hand, was a nasty bastard.
"No smash, you simpleton. He's coming with us."
"Hulk no smash?" The monster looked forlorn at that.
"No smash." Teddy felt the True Sue reach into his trouser pockets searching for something. After a moment she triumphantly pulled out his wand. The little stick seemed so non-threatening now. "And you wont be needing this, either."
And before the young wizard's horrified face, the True Sue snapped his wand in half. The broken phoenix feather fizzed once, and then the magic inside died.
"Now you're just one of us."
Wolverine knew that something was brewing the very moment that Fiction's super villains began to fall off the grid. So after a quick holo-conference with his peers all around the world, he selected a supersuit and decided to check in with the City garrison, the place that assured all of Fiction's security.
All agents immediately perked up as soon as news spread that the Wolverine was on ground zero. He scowled. Security was getting lax despite the fact that the Royal Society would be shortly launching the biggest offensive that Fiction had ever seen.
The commander of the garrison was short, squat, sexist, loud, had a temper, and a love of foul-smelling fungus cigars. Julius Root was one of the only members of the Royal Society that Wolverine actually approved of, though he wouldn't go as far as to admitting that he liked the little elf. Ever since the Cannon had killed him off, Root had devoted himself tirelessly to the protection of Make-Believe Land.
"Logan." The elf greeted with a brisk nod of his head. The commander always looked like he was about to go off and do something, though Wolverine knew he was more likely to delegate and then go into his office to smoke. "How are you, mudmutant?"
"Still alive." Wolverine grunted. Though some days he had to wonder…
"Well, that's all you can really ask for." Root offered him one of his foul-smelling fungus cigars. Wolverine took one to be polite. He never actually though he could get used to those things the commander smoked. It was like chewing mould.
"How're we doin'?" He growled around the cigar.
"Nothing much has been going on lately, Logan." Root sucked in the green smoke thoughtfully and exhaled it. "I'm beginning to wonder whether they know something that we don't."
"Mm."
The elf and the mutant stood there staring out over their fair city when something strange happened.
The sounds of the city died.
No bird calls, no wind, no vehicles in the streets, no sounds the people made while waiting for work to end for the day. It was all completely silent, like someone had pulled a switch. It was like everybody and everything was unconsciously holding their breath.
Then this strange stillness was followed by a crash.
Insanity followed, Cannons were rushing this way and that, attempting to escape and invisible enemy.
The cigar dropped from Wolverine's mouth. Julius was likewise shocked, but his teeth didn't unclench from around the cigar butt. "Code red." Wolverine snapped at an unfortunate underling. "All Society members to the Garrison, now. Operation Eradicate Sue has been initiated early."
"Get the Border Guard on the com." Root ordered the techie pixie, who swiftly made the connection.
"Border Guard. This is Garrison. Please respond."
The silence was oppressive.
"Border Guard, this is Garrison. Respond."
The static seemed too loud in the suddenly airless room. "Border Guard has been neutralised." Wolverine said coldly. "Fiction City has been breeched. We are at war."
"I'll call a shuttle for you to take you to the front, sir." The pixie techie said.
Wolverine walked back outside, unsheathing his claws. "I'll see you on the battlefield, Julius." He said, then jumped off the balcony.
Commander Root watched unbelievingly as the madman freefell until his claws found purchase in the mortar walls of the garrison, and tore down the skyscraper at a speed that would pop an ordinary man's arms from his sockets. Six razor-thin marks scored the outside of the building.
"D'Arvit." He swore. "Do you have any idea how much it costs after every time you do that?!"
She took him back to Plot Points, Inc.
The building was deserted, temporarily closed down for the Fandom parade. Teddy began wondering exactly how many Plot Points employees were actually working for this insane woman. His question was answered when a large, unnecessary bright red feature wall slid aside to admit the True Sue revealing a room within a room filled with white-coated scientists, various super villains that had been plucked illegally from their fandoms, and a handful of fashionably bored-looking beautiful people.
The Hulk dropped Teddy on the floor without ceremony. The wizard landed on his back but swiftly flipped to all fours, preparing to flee.
"YOU WILL RE-MAIN WHERE YOU ARE."
Teddy raised his eyes and found himself looking directly into the toilet plunger-like apparatus attached to the tin can that housed the gooey mess inside. The dalek trundled forward menacingly; it's wheels rolling over Teddy's fingers. The wizard swore and snatched his hands to his chest.
"WIMP."
"Unnamed dalek from Dalek, Sideshow Bob, come with me." The True Sue demanded, picking two villains at random. "I think it's time that our young hero here was introduced to the Cannon Converter."
"Oh, what an idea." Sideshow Bob rubbed his hands together. "Finally you're entering the big leagues, Bob. Then may we do away with him?"
"Thirty minutes." The True Sue said almost mechanically.
She led them grandly to the centre of the room, Teddy hanging uselessly between them.
"Why are we not afforded the respect we deserve as villains of Fiction?" Sideshow Bob bemoaned. "It's not as though we haven't done enough to prove it, goodness knows it isn't that. I've been terrorising the citizens of Springfield for many a year, and you make small children cry. But for some reason it just feels we aren't on the same page reputation-wise as, say, the Joker, or the evil spirit from The Exorcist."
"I META-PHOR-IC-ALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN." The dalek said. "I FEAR SHE FEELS THAT WE ARE SUB-STAN-DARD VILL-AINS."
"How so?"
"WE HAVE BOTH BEEN OUT-WIT-TED TOO MANY TIMES TO BRING TRUE FEAR TO THE MAS-SES."
"Not worthy villains? The Union is going to hear about this."
"Kill me now." Teddy said quietly. Apparently someone else wasn't too pleased with their discussion, either.
"Stop now." The Hulk said threateningly. "Hulk smash." Maybe he had more brains than first thought.
Teddy recognised the Cannon Converter from the plans that Goldie had nicked, so he really didn't need the True Sue to point it out to him. The weapon was huge, towering way above their heads, a ray generator bolted onto an upright support and built into the skyscraper's central dome.
He struggled as the villains began to manhandle him up the walkways erected around the massive construction. For a moment he attempted to change back into the werewolf, but as he was no longer affected by the Fan Domain, fanfiction cliché's no longer affected his biological makeup. Realising that this time there might not be a way out, he slumped between his captors.
"So what happened to you?" He asked the True Sue casually. "You lose a fight with a vacuum cleaner or something?"
The Sue stayed silent for a long moment and Teddy knew he had hit a nerve by the way her hand reached reflectively up to her nonexistent face.
"I was written long ago. Long before you were born, I was the most beautiful woman in the world." She said. "Magical and powerful, I was as a God."
"What happened?"
"My Author… stopped writing me. My fanfiction fell into permanent hiatus and I was never completed." She turned back to him, and Teddy had the creepy feeling that she could see everything despite the absence of eyes.
"I will have my face, Teddy Lupin. You can bet on it."
For the whole flight, Ramón swore in Spanish. Goldie had only learned a little of the language in school, and what she could make out was overthrow our oppressors and eat the man-dog.
She could see the sunlight glittering off the skyscrapers in Fiction City. They were almost there. She glanced across at her two companions. Mervin's tongue was hanging out and he was obviously having the time of his life, whereas Dean had gone decidedly green and was mentally reviewing his Last Will and Testament.
Goldie saw the battle erupt below her before anyone else did. "Ramón." She shouted over the rush of the wind.
"Si."
"Can you get down there? Please?"
"Si." The eagle said again, and dropped into a sharp drive. Goldie screamed.
"Yeeaaah!"
Wolverine hit the ground, his legs buckling slightly beneath him. He tugged his claws out of the wall, and turned. Face to face with a woman with long dark hair wearing neck to toe leather, wielding a wooden stake.
"Hello." She said sombrely, and then the battle began.
He was as fast and as ferocious as his namesake. But Livida had been written as a Slayer in Buffy the Vampire Slayer fandom, and coupled with her accentuated Mary Sue senses, she was better. Faster. Stronger. Swiftly she began to gain the upper hand even though in a corner of her mind a little voice demanded to be heard. The little voice that wanted to know why she was doing this.
Why, when she was one of the good guys?
Wolverine's teeth were bared and a vein was popping in his forehead. The Sue had him backed right up against the wall and his supersuit wasn't built for the carrying of additional weapons. It had been assumed that his enhanced claws would do the trick, but this woman had him beat easily, and he could tell by her look that heart wasn't even in it! Around him he could hear battle breaking out as the Royal Society and more Mary Sues joined the mêlée, and for a moment he really missed his less-complicated days in the X-men.
He vowed to kick the ass of that Teddy Lupin if either of them lived through today.
They were losing. There was only one other thing Wolverine could think of to do to save all these people.
He sheathed his claws.
"We surrender." He said. "Call them off. We surrender."
Livida didn't know what to do. She stood there, stake raised, completely still. Wolverine was calm as he looked death in the eye, and all around them individual battles came to a standstill as the Royal Society and the Mary Sues watched and waited for what was coming next.
"Livida!" A frantic scream, carried on the wind. "Livida!"
Goldie Locks' landing wasn't graceful, nor was it dignified. At the last moment Ramón had flared his wings, causing her to topple off and fall heavily into the dirt. Every eye was on her as she stood and brushed herself off.
"Hi?"
Every eye Goldie could see and doubtlessly a few she couldn't were fixed unblinkingly on her. "So I see we're all at it, then." She cleared her throat uncomfortably, and licked her dry lips. Public speaking was never one of her fortes. Someone let out an uneasy laugh that was quickly stifled.
"War, bloodshed, and all those good things. Um, am I the only one who doesn't see the point in all this? Anyone else think this has gone on way too long?" There was silence. "Anybody? Nobody? Fine. I'll just say it anyway.
"Does anyone here actually remember what started this feud? Raise your hand if you do." One character raised his hand halfway in the air, before lowering it again. "My point! Most of us weren't even conceived when we started Flaming each other. What are we fighting for again?
"An insane hag who never shows her face to her people and acts through her gauntlet of minions? A mad society whose only job is to make the little people's jobs harder? I know. I've been one of the little guys. I've been one of the most important people in existence, and I've been every shade of in-between. And because of that I've met people. I've met people who've been the cleverest, funniest, kindest people in the world, and some of them have been Fictions and some of them have been Mary Sues and some of them have been stuck in the middle.
"Look at us. The gap between us is still closing, getting closer all the time. There aren't any big differences anymore. Okay, a Sue is the romanticised ideal of Cannon, but aren't there some of you Cannon characters who are, anyway?" She pointed accusingly into the crowd. "We're all somebody's baby. We're all somebody's pet project.
"We are all somebody's Cannon."
Goldie swallowed, too stricken to wretch. "Um, well, that's it. Thanks for listening. Carry on." She turned to leave, to find Ramón and get the hell out of here.
Livida's stake clattered to the ground. Goldie spun around in time to see the Mary Sue grasp Wolverine's wrist and help haul him to his feet. The two held each other in their steely stares, their hands still clasped firmly, like they each were deciding which finger to break first.
However, despite the open hostility, it was the image of the linked hands of the Cannon Character and the Mary Sue that would be remembered for years to come.
There were echoing clattering noises all around the square of weapons being discarded. Someone began to clap, and soon it was a full-blown applause, people whistling and punching the air. Hands were raining down on Goldie's back and she was already being asked for interviews and autographs and all she really wanted to do was run away and hide, because she couldn't stand it she really couldn't stand it-
"You know you have infringed so many copywrite suits with that we're all the same underneath speech? You could be sued into the next century." He walked out of the garrison, running a hand through his short hair. Goldie pounced immediately.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"My bird got buzzed by a jet." Dean shrugged. "So I took the lift down. I'm not that suicidal."
"You deliberately let me handle all that myself?"
"I thought you probably could." He said simply.
But there was still something bothering her. Dean was the first to verbalise the thought, looking around the crowded streets. "Hey. Where's that Lupin kid?"
The door burst inwards with the force of a bomb, leaving the five of them standing there shrouded in smoke. Wolverine the mutant, Livida the Slayer, Dean Winchester the hunter, Goldie Locks the misfit and Mervin the dog. Goldie had to admit that it was an impressive lineup, until it got to her.
"Holy mother…" Wolverine murmured as he stared up at the Cannon Converter. "So the bitch did have a back-up plan." He and Livida took a step forward.
"Halt!" The command was high and cold and cruel. Looking up, you could see a figure clothed in floaty pale pink. "You will go no further."
"Yeah? That so, you crazy dame." Dean called. "You gonna come down and tell us face to face, nice and polite like?"
"I'm thinking we should go up there and shake her out," Wolverine growled.
The True Sue laughed. "Darling, you just come and try. I'll wait, if you like." The robed figure swept aside to revel her hostage, lashed tightly to one of the Cannon Converter's supporting beams.
"Teddy?" Goldie shouted.
"Sorry." The Englishman apologised. "I got a little held up."
"What the hell did you want to go do that for, Lupin?"
"Little Teddy here was trying to be a hero." The Sue ran a finger down the side of the wizard's face and the young man flinched as far away as he could. "However, this time the heroes lose out."
"You lost, woman! Your invasion force was defeated."
The True Sue laughed again. "Merely a cover for this magnificent construction." She said. "My true power. Not an army of silly girls and docile men, so full up of cliché and their own self-worth that there is no room for anything remotely resembling an original thought."
Livida's lip curled.
"Everything was faked." Goldie whispered.
The True Sue was disgusted. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids." She snarled. "Oh, well. You've found me out. I'm afraid I have no choice but to destroy you now."
She flipped a switch and there were the sounds of the weapon gathering power, for maximum fire. "Take 'em down!" Wolverine roared, charging into the small army of the True Sue's devotees, slashing and hacking. Livida wasn't far behind, pulling off her best kung-fu moves. Goldie just stood there dumbly as Dean broke a Gary Stu's nose and Mervin launched himself into the fray and began attacking unprotected ankles.
"Get up there!" Dean shouted at Goldie.
"What?" She screamed back. "What in the time you have known me gives you the idea that I am even remotely physically capable of that?"
"You're a Mary Sue. Mary Sues can do anything!"
Sweat rolled into her eyes, temporarily obscuring her vision. Right now she didn't feel like she could do anything, she felt like a useless lump. She reached out and grasped the steel latticework that encased the weapon, and began to climb.
In surprisingly little time due to the Author-imposed time-lapse, the little original character hauled herself up onto the observation deck. "Hi." She waved.
"Destroy her!"
"EXTERMINATE!"
She dived at the alien creature, a hand firmly planted over it's bulbous eye-on-a-stick. With as much strength she could muster, she sent the tin can spinning to the edge of the observation deck, where the dalek teetered comically for a moment before dropping to the ground where there was an almighty smash.
"Now that's just nasty."
"What are you doing?!" The True Sue demanded in horror.
Goldie dropped into a fighting stance. "Just conforming to the cliché."
She focused on the yellow caricature with the crazy hair next. However, when she reached out for him, he slipped easily through her fingers. "What the-?"
"Cartoon Cannon." Sideshow Bob chuckled. "Two dimensional."
"Oh no. I might get a paper cut." She snapped, and squashed his head between her hands.
"Now you know that's just cheating." He said in a muffled voice, wandering away blindly.
"Get me out of here!" Teddy demanded as Goldie struggled with the cables securing him. "This is what happens when I'm not here to watch you." She hissed. "You get tied to poles by strange women."
The Sue was standing there watching them. Or at least Goldie assumed she was standing there watching them, until she looked up. "She's got no face!" She said, horrified.
"Don't you think I bloody well know that already? I've been up here for the last forty minutes listening to her spruke on about herself and how fabulous she is and how she's going to spit on our gravs!"
"Gravs?"
"I'm thinking it was a spelling error." Teddy said. "Let's get the hell out of here!"
"No objection from this corner."
The two of them were about to make a run for it down the walkway when something landed in front of them with a thump, bending the metal. It straightened up and looked at them, a smug smirk on its face. "Ah!" Goldie and Teddy shouted.
"Miss me?" Robo-Dean asked, a metallic clicking to his voice.
The terminator followed them back up the mesh walkway. "Do some more of that improvised action," Teddy suggested.
"Can't improvise. Too terrified." Goldie replied.
Down on the ground, Mervin butted Dean's knee. "You have to say the kill code!" The bloodhound barked. "You're the only one. You have to self-destruct Robo-Dean now!"
"But-"
"I don't give a rat's ass how much of a beating your macho image will take!" Mervin shouted. "You have to say the code now!"
Dean Winchester pulled in a breath, and stepped up onto a crate marked On Yer Soapbox. He spread his arms wide and, in possibly the bravest thing he ever would do, he bellowed the voice code at the top of him lungs, causing almost everybody to stop and stare. Some to start giggling.
The terminator backed the both of them up against the Cannon Converter's control panels. "I never imagined that it would end like this." Teddy said. "Dying after almost saving the world."
"Funnily enough, I always kinda thought I'd die knee-deep with a bunch of weirdos in a mess I pretty much made myself because I couldn't keep my mouth shut." Goldie replied.
"You're not too bad, Locks."
"You neither, Lupin."
And then from far below came a wild yell. Robo-Dean froze, and then his eyes seemed to go dead.
"Oh, bugger." Teddy said, and then the observation deck blew up.
A hand reached into the rubble to pull her out. "Am I dead yet?" She asked groggily.
"You should know by now that they can't kill off the leads in a story like this." Teddy said, releasing her hand. "Only the nameless extras die needlessly."
"I am a nameless extra." Goldie mumbled.
"Not anymore." Wolverine said, wading his way through the remains of the Cannon Converter to the two of them. "You okay, kid? Yeah, good. Locks," He said. "How would you like to be bumped up to Supporting Character? We could use more like you in the Society."
Goldie's jaw dropped. "Really?" She gasped. That promotion put her on the same footing as Teddy. Teddy, however, didn't look impressed, though he attempted to for the sake of his friend. "Supporting Character!"
Dean was still scrabbling around on the ground, turning over rocks and suchlike. "What are you looking for?"
"The True Sue. She can't have up and vanished. Could she?"
On all fours, Mervin bounded up the steel remains to the relatively intact control pylon. He stood and typed for a few minutes before anything happened. "Oh no."
"That's bad. What's 'oh no'?"
The talking bloodhound beckoned them all around the computer. "Here. The very moment that Robo-Dean detonated." He pointed to a spike on the computer screen.
"What is that?"
"Fiction was torn open precisely then." Mervin said gravely.
"But we're still alive." Goldie pointed out. "So it didn't work, did it?"
"It did. This was a very precise portal." Mervin looked around. "All this destruction for one little gateway."
"Where to?" Wolverine asked.
Mervin typed something more, and gasped. "I can't be."
"Can't be what?"
"Mervin?"
"She opened a portal to the Real World." Mervin said breathlessly.
"The Real World? I thought that was just a myth." Dean said, and there were murmurs of assent.
"Evidently not." The canine replied.
"Right, she must have a specific target." Wolverine said matter-of-factly. "Anyone hear anything?"
The silence was deafening. Finally Teddy spoke up.
"When she took me – up there, she said something about how she was never completed." He said haltingly. "She said her fanfiction ended up on permanent hiatus, and she was going to get her face."
"Dear God, it's even worse than I thought," Mervin cried. "She's gone to hunt down her Author!"
"Well, I'm not going to follow her," Goldie said stubbornly.
THE END.
AN: I suppose I should mention that I don't own any of the Cannon characters that have appeared in Goldie Locks, not even a little bit. Thanks for reading.
Signing off.