AUTHOR'S NOTE: As we are all too aware, I don't own anthing, and I'm not making any money off this. Who'd pay for it Oo!? Sorry this chapter took so long. I had exams and then I had to do so much partying it hurt. It's been another difficult one, because Ianto's at that age where he can't just sit and be cute anymore, but he also can't really do much. He's slowly getting bigger though, and soon he'll be able to do stuff. Thanks for all the support from the reviews, you lovely bunch of people. If it weren't for the fact that people actually read it, I'd've quit already lol. Thanks again to my lovely beta, for the sake of a name let's call her Clarencedale. She is my own little Ianto She knows everything Oo. Love her. Love you. please R&R, it keeps me sane!! Sorry for the epic note!! Enjoy xxx
He tossed in his sleep, as dreams played across his mind. Strong hands caressed his chest, and he arched upwards into the sensation, feeling them travel lower, a warm mouth following their path down his abdomen and below the waistband of his pyjama bottoms. He looked down into his lover's beautiful blue eyes and sighed with pleasure as that mouth descended on him again.
"Jack" Ianto whispered as he woke, curled up in a ball and alone in Jack's bunk. He blinked, confused. Usually, when he had that kind of dream there was something to show for it. He looked down at himself, and rubbed his eyes groggily before he remembered that he was stuck in the body of a three year old boy. No wonder he didn't have a reaction! He scrunched up his face in a mixture of confusion, embarrassment and frustration. This was just so wrong! He couldn't be having sex dreams as a three year old, it was just… Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! How was he going to come to terms with this? It was just ridiculous. It had been bad enough having disturbingly vivid dreams about what he wanted his boss to do to him when he'd been an adult. Now it was beyond incomprehensible. Sighing, he decided to give sleeping another go, since Jack was so obviously absent. No luck there, as soon as he laid his head on the pillow, Jack bounded down the ladder, a bundle of electric energy, and swept him off the bed and into a bear hug.
"Morning baby." He grinned. "Hey, I could get used to calling you that, you don't mind do you?" Ianto sighed, decided to forget his rapidly fading dream, and snuggled into Jack's shoulder.
"S'long as you stop when I'm an adult agen, or you may find I start cawling you 'snuggul bunny' or somefing ecwuley sikuning and prissy." He smiled and played with a stray bit of Jack's hair, which was looking particularly fluffy today. Jack smiled down at him and began to climb the ladder back up to his office. "What time is it?"
"Eight thirty." Jack replied, padding towards the kitchenette for wake-up coffee. "We don't have to be in London until one pm, so I figured I'd let you sleep as much as you liked. We're gonna drive down, should leave at around eleven, after you've changed again." He plopped Ianto onto the work surface and proceeded to maul the coffee machine. Ianto grimaced. He'd seen that machine manhandled so much over the last few days. He couldn't wait until he was big enough to get it back under his control. It was going to need a thorough cleaning. Come to think of it, so was the rest of the hub. He glanced about the place at all the rubbish. Mugs, plates and bowls were interspersed with take-out packaging, chocolate wrappers, scrunched up bits of paper, and one sock. Honestly, one sock. Who loses a sock at work? And why only one? It wasn't even one of Jack's, because, Jack being Jack, all his had little tiny RAF symbols embroidered on them and the words 'Captain Jack Harkness- God of Sex' sewn around the tops, something which still made Ianto giggle every time Jack looked at him with puppy-dog eyes and asked him to do some washing for him because 'last time he broke the machine'. Yes, thought Ianto, hitting it with a hammer will do that.
"Can I have some tea?" He asked Jack, who turned looking scandalised.
"NO!" He practically shrieked. "You're a three year old! You can't have caffeine!" Ianto pouted his best pout, and Jack's resolve wavered, but remained. "I'll make you a herbal tea. Tosh has loads."
"Don't bover!" Ianto grimaced. "Mite as well just give me hot worter, that's all thay tayste of. Fine, appul juice pwease." Jack filled his favourite beaker and handed it over, and Ianto sucked on it greedily. Turning from the coffee machine, the Captain studied him, a look of adoration on his face.
"How did you get so gorgeous?" He smiled, tickling Ianto's tummy, and earning him a surprised giggle. "And to think, I nearly didn't hire you!" Ianto smirked at him, as best he could from a three year old face.
"It was inevitubul you'd fall for the charm. If the terodactul hadn't wurked, I'd've tried wearing lethur, and let's face it, fetish is your middul name." Jack choked on his coffee.
"Funny you should say that…" He considered, smiling that smile he had for fond memories. "It was… Will be… Was… Oh it's popular where I come from." Ianto just stared, jaw on the floor. Then realised how stupid he was, as Jack smirked and added, "Almost as popular as the first name Gullible." And began tickling Ianto in earnest.
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" Ianto giggled, breathless, and tried to wiggle away. "Jack! Stop it, please! I will not be held wesponsubul for any acsidunts!" Jack stopped, giggling himself as he stood up and knocked back half a mug of coffee.
"Right, I'm gonna have a shower. Behave until I get back. And no more pranks on Owen, please. If you were older, I'd discipline you for that one." He winked. "And not in a good way." He lifted Ianto off the work surface and let him toddle off towards the sofa, before wandering over to the shower block to make himself look sinful enough to make the Unit toffs grovel.
Ianto settled himself on the sofa and channel hopped for a while, before settling on some cartoon. It was crappy, and it had puppets, but the bright colours were distracting, and he soon found himself hypnotised by the screen. Jack returned twenty minutes later to find him sat exactly there, barely blinking, mouth slightly open, eyes wide. He smiled down at the child and went to put some clothes on. When he got back, Ianto still hadn't moved.
"Okay, I'm gonna ration your TV. It seems to turn you into a zombie." He said as he switched the box off. "And you know I don't like it when your full attention isn't on me."
"Huh?" Ianto said, blinking.
"Never mind. Let's get you dressed." He walked into the office, and Ianto toddled after him slowly, only falling over once, and it wasn't his fault he'd tripped on the wire, he blamed Tosh. Jack was waiting with a fresh set of clothes, a warm, soft flannel, and a fluffy towel. He quickly scrubbed Ianto clean and took his time gently drying him, tickling as he went. Finally, he helped Ianto put on his clothes, grinning with pleasure at just how cute Ianto looked in tiny dungarees and miniature Converse. He scooped him up again, and took him back to the kitchen to make breakfast, just as Tosh came in.
"Morning boys!" She grinned, sashaying over to the coffee machine to make herself a double espresso. Whilst the machine whirred to life, she turned to Ianto, a look of awe on her face, clasped her hands together under her chin and practically squealed. "Oh, you look adorable! Look at those little shoes! Sorry, Ianto, but I can't help it, you're just too cute!" Ianto grinned, and blushed, eyes directed firmly at the floor, swaying on the spot, hands clasped behind his back, he looked the picture of innocence. The coffee machine beeped, and Tosh took her coffee. "Right, I'll get out of your way. Jack, since the hub is set to alert us all by text if anything happens today, we've decided to take it in shifts of who's here. I'm up first, then Gwen, then Owen. Is that okay?"
"Fine by me. We're just about to have some breakfast. Want some?" He opened the fridge. "Mmmm, left over pizza, korma, and strawberry yoghurt. Niiice. Ianto's got fruit too, if you fancy something healthy."
"I hope you're not mixing the pizza, korma and yoghurt together! I could go for some yoghurt, and maybe an apple." She smiled. Jack plucked a few things out of the fridge and from the fruit bowl, and set about peeling and chopping them into a healthy fruit salad for Ianto. Once that was done, they wandered as a group over to the boardroom, where they sat and ate in a companionable silence. Jack glanced at the clock, it was 9:34. He had just over an hour and a half to buff up on his notes before he had to go to the meeting with Unit. Once the food was finished, he cleared his throat.
"Right, we'll get out of your way and prepare for this meeting. You do… whatever it is you're working on at the moment…"
"Calibrating the water tower to intercept all off-world communications before they go to NASA or anywhere else stupid enough to start a war."
"Yeah, that. You go do that…" He grinned and she stooped to clear the table. He lifted Ianto gently, and as he passed Tosh, patted her gently on the bum, leaving the room to the sound of her giggle and some half-hearted reprimand. He glanced down at Ianto, who was giving him a look. "What?" He asked, pulling his 'trust me I'm a sweet innocent ex-Time Agent, ex-con-artist, clinically insane nymphomaniac' face.
"You acshully are insashubul aren't you?" Ianto smirked. It was amazing, but even as a three year old, he'd already perfected the eyebrow thingy.
"Yup." Jack grinned, settling Ianto on his desk and passing him a file to read through. "Now, let's cram! They're gonna talk about the dangers of not having a full military force in Cardiff to protect against 'imminent alien invasion'. We need to counter with the fact that we've already stopped a few invasions ourselves, and quote a few references of times when using a military approach would have landed us in the shit. Like the time with the Hakerinian ambassador, who only decided not to destroy the planet because you offered him refreshments promptly. Then they'll say we've just been lucky, and we haven't had anything too dangerous to deal with. We'll tell them a few choice stories concerning some of out more challenging foes. They'll use that as an excuse to have a military presence. We'll throw out a few of their misdemeanours and their gun-happy mistakes, like the time they blew up a factory in Surrey because it was an alien base, and it turned out it was nothing more than a late-night bingo hall for OAPs. Finally, we'll present the 'secret plans' we found on the system detailing the heinous experiments they want to conduct on weevils, to see if they can be tamed an used as mercenaries, and the dangerous rift-probing they want to do. If that doesn't stop them, I'll go ballistic and you can cry." He grinned and Ianto laughed at him. The plan sounded ok to him. He closed the file he had been glancing over and wriggled off the table and into Jack's lap, snuggling into his tummy.
"M'kay." He mumbled, closing his eyes and willing himself to sleep. Jack smiled down at him, then carried on sifting through his seemingly endless string of emails. Only a couple of weeks, he thought, then I can have my Ianto back. Ianto woke, in the same position, overwhelmed by a familiar feeling of pain, dizziness and tingling. He was conscious for all of a second, before he collapsed on Jack's lap. "Ngh." He groaned, rubbing his eyes as he sat up, feeling altogether more co-ordinated.
"You're getting heavier." Jack grinned, stroking a hand through the ever-thickening mop of black hair which Ianto was cultivating. "Feeling ok? Ready to go?"
"Yeah." Ianto nodded, and slid off Jack's lap to wander off into the Hub. He followed the Captain to the garage, and made his way towards the SUV before Jack coughed, and pointed to the other side of the large space. Where the spare SUV would usually be parked stood a shiny, silver, really quite pretty Mazda convertible. He grinned, and all of a sudden wished his legs were long enough to drive.
"You Don't think I'd turn up to Unit with the SUV full of all our special secret technology? This way, we not only look hot and make them stare, we avoid them stealing any of Toshiko's technical brilliance." He bent to lift Ianto gently, resting him on his hip as he clicked the button on the keys, opening the doors. Ianto soon found himself settled in the comfortable leather seat, and strapped in securely, whilst Jack flopped into the drivers seat and closed the door, starting the ignition. The roof was up, which was fine by Ianto, because it was bound to be raining outside. Jack leaned forward and fiddled with the radio until something he liked popped up. Ianto rolled his eyes, he himself had never been too fond of music from the 40s, but when Jack started quietly singing along, he decided he could cope. Who'd have known that his Captain was a good singer too?
They pulled out of the garage, waving goodbye to a smiling Tosh, and set off towards the M4. Jack's singing and the movement of the car soon lulled Ianto into a dreamless nap. Jack smiled over at him and continued to sing, whilst going at almost twice the speed limit. When Ianto woke, bleary eyed, he looked at the road signs to discover that they were already nearing London. He straightened himself and watched the world fly past - far too fast- from his window. After another ten minutes or so, they pulled into an imposing compound with armed guards patrolling the parameter, and a fully armoured gatehouse to greet them. Jack pulled up to the window and grinned his best charming grin.
"Captain Jack Harkness, here to see the General. This is my assistant, Ianto Jones." The man on the gate quirked an eyebrow in Ianto's direction, amused.
"Hard to find good babysitters these days, isn't it? Cute kid. I'll just get your passes now Captain, and Lieutenant Fielding will meet you at the car park, which is just off to the left after the barrier." He handed over a couple of ID passes, and Jack winked and thanked him, before pulling into the car park he had mentioned and stopping the car. Smiling, he turned to Ianto. "Plan! How about, we let them believe you're my kid and I'm babysitting you. That way, they'll be off guard around you, and you can soak up all the information and process it in that amazing brain of yours?"
"I'm not calling you 'Daddy'. That would just be wrong." Jack smirked.
"Why?" Ianto looked incredulous.
"I've seen you naked, all but had sex with you. I've had my hand down your trousers! I'm NOT calling you Daddy!" Jack laughed.
"You've done more than that! Okay, just call me Jack." He popped open the door and went round to help Ianto out. Holding Ianto's hand, he turned to face the Lieutenant, who turned out to be a stunning brunette with an amazing set of breasts. Jack grinned and practically drooled. "Hello" He drawled in his best 'I wanna throw you down and have my wicked way with you right now' voice. "Captain Jack Harkness, pleased to meet you."
"Stop it!" He glanced down to see Ianto giving him a stern look.
"What? I'm just saying hello!" He grinned, holding his hand out to shake the woman's.
"Lieutenant Fielding. I'll take you to the meeting suite now. Hope your journey wasn't too stressful?" She was putting on a great 'not gonna work on me' act, but Jack could see in her eyes that she was just begging to be seduced. He reminded himself just who it was he was holding hands with, and nodded, following the Lieutenant.
"Not that bad at all, actually. Traffic was minimal." She smiled a coy smile back at him, and continued to lead the way into a big, ugly building and over to a lift. Once they'd all piled in, she pressed the button for the 7th floor, and stood back, arms folded in front of her. "So, Lieutenant. Will you be in the meeting?" He resisted the urge to add 'because I'll need something to look at when things get boring', and simply glanced at her, a slight smile on his face.
"Yes, actually, Captain Harkness, I will. I'm heading the investigation into Torchwood's misdemeanours. They are… Numerous, shall we say." She smiled icily, and Jack saw the game she was playing. He decided not to let her have any effect on him, and smiling brightly replied,
"Please, call me Jack. Maybe I could show you a few misdemeanours after the meeting? Say over dinner then coffee?" Whilst he said this, he looked Ianto directly in the eye, and Ianto, instead of reprimanding him for his brashness, simply smiled. Jack's eyes had told him he had no intention of sleeping with her now, he was trying to fluster her. And it worked. She went visibly red, opened and closed her mouth a few times then cleared her throat.
"I'm afraid I have to work this evening." The lift reached the correct floor and the doors pinged open. "Here we are…" She bustled ahead of him, face flushed.
"Such a shame." Jack grinned at her back, following slowly so Ianto could keep up. Jack - One. Unit - Nil. He looked down at Ianto, who grinned and lifted his arms to be picked up. Grinning, he obliged the toddler, and settled him gently on his hip. Finally, after a maze of tunnels, they reached a small suite at the back of the building, away from the noise of the troops. Lieutenant Fielding let them into a small lounge, promising to return shortly with the other Unit participants of the meeting, and refreshments would be on their way soon. Jack glanced around. Three CCTV recorders with sound capability that he could see, and probably more besides. He gave Ianto a look which said 'play along' and settled them both on the sofa. "So, baby, what do you think of the nice lady Lieutenant?" Ianto grinned his best childish grin.
"I like her. She's nise. But she sed her name was leftenunt, and you said it was lootenut. it's a funny name." He giggled. Jack was immediately impressed by his 'I'm a harmless four year old' act. But then again, Ianto never failed to impress him.
"It's not a name, baby, it's a title. I don't know what her first name is, but her last name is Fielding. Lieutenant is an army title. Like Captain only lower. 'Cept it's said differently in the UK and America." Ianto looked puzzled.
"She doesn't look like a soljer…" He frowned.
"I don't think she is a soldier. I think she tells soldiers what to do." Ianto grinned again.
"So she's their Boss… Just like you're Auntie Gwen's boss." Jack's eyes widened momentarily, almost imperceptibly, then he saw where Ianto was going with this.
"Sort of, yeah." He smiled and ruffled the boy's hair, his other hand rubbing small circles into his back. "Okay! I spy with my little eye… something beginning with…. C" Ianto giggled.
"Curtuns?"
"Nope."
"Carpet?"
"Nu uh."
"Seeling?"
"Not even close." Ianto narrowed his eyes as if to say 'fool, I've know from the beginning'.
"Captin Jack Harkness." Jack laughed.
"Yup, your go." Ianto giggled. As he was thinking, four imposing looking military types walked in and introduced themselves. Neither Jack nor Ianto paid much attention to any names, except that of the obvious leader, General Stokes. He was a greying war veteran in his late fifties. A hard face, grey eyes cut like diamonds, and a fairly impressive chin. Jack doubted he'd ever seen a more stereotypical looking Unit general. He even had a small, bristly moustache! Lieutenant Fielding entered shortly, a young man following her with a refreshments table.
"We weren't aware that you were bringing a child with you. I'll get someone to find something suitable for him to drink." The General said, eyeing Ianto with barely concealed displeasure.
"Don't worry, my assistant" He placed extra emphasis on the last word, "Can have milk." the General nodded curtly and pointed in the direction of the meeting room.
"Shall we get this over with, Harkness?" Jack smiled his best 'fuck off' smile and followed the General and his cronies into the meeting room, remarking on how his was bigger, and grinning at the exasperated look Lieutenant Fielding gave him. He seated himself at one end of the table, settling Ianto into the chair at his right, and watching the General seat himself at the far end. He grinned as Ianto put on his baby act and pulled the meeting minutes towards him, before tugging on Jack's sleeve.
"Can I have a crayon?" He asked, a small pout on his face. Jack chucked his cheek as the entire table bar the General awwwed at him. He looked about the table.
"I only have the one pen. Sorry, does anyone have anything he can draw with?" One of the younger looking men smiled and passed Ianto a black felt-tipped pen.
"It's all I have." Ianto grinned.
"Thanks mister." He began to doodle what appeared to be a crude picture of a pony on the back of the minutes. The General glowered at him, but he just grinned right back, not intimidated by the stuffy old man.
"Right." Stokes growled. "Shall we get on with this?" He shuffled some papers before him.
"By all means, begin your presentation on why you want to take over the duties of my team and bully your way into running Cardiff." The General's eyes narrowed even more.
"First things first, Harkness" Stokes spat, "This is not a power struggle." Jack leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head.
"Could've fooled me." He snarled back.
"I am not concerned about your ego, Captain. Unit is only concerned about the welfare of the people of Cardiff, and the imminent alien threat. We want to protect them in the best way possible, and putting a military presence in Cardiff would help to do that." Jack would almost have believed those words as sincere, if the General's own team hadn't been looking at him like he'd just told the biggest lie in history.
"I'd love to believe that, General." Jack said with a sly smirk, then glanced at Ianto, smiling sincerely. "But I have my own people to protect." Ianto looked up and they shared a smile. "And I have a sneaking suspicion that you'd only put them in more danger." He rested his arm across the back of Ianto's chair and smiled at Stokes. "I happen to have a little idea of what your true plans may be." Ianto looked at Jack again, puzzled.
"Jack. Is that man gonna do bad stuff to Cardiff?" His lip began to wobble far too convincingly. "I don't like him." Jack took the opportunity to sweep Ianto into his lap, dragging the colouring over to them. He hugged Ianto tight.
"No, Yan, I'm not gonna let him do bad stuff to Cardiff. Not even the weevils." Ianto giggled.
"I like the weevuls. Thay make me larf." He grinned. "Mister Genrul… Do you like weevuls?" The General sighed.
"No, boy, I do not like weevils. I don't like any creature which imposes itself upon this planet." Jack sighed.
"And yet, you afford the Doctor security clearance to all areas of Unit. What you fail to understand, General, is that the weevils don't choose to be here. They're lost, thousands of light-years away from their home. We need to find a way to accommodate them, not eradicate them." He placed a folder on the table. "In this file, I have evidence of your extensive plans to conduct brutal, inhumane scientific experiments on weevils in order to attempt to train them for military purposes. It seems you're quite happy to exploit the war-like traits of any species unfortunate enough to fall through the Rift." The General stood quickly and loomed across the table to snarl at Jack.
"Torchwood is NOT qualified to question the actions of Unit personnel or research staff. We're at the top of the chain of governmental organisations." Jack and Ianto sighed and rolled their eyes, saying simultaneously,
"Torchwood is outside the government, beyond the police." Or in Ianto's case something similar and lispy. Jack continued, "I don't think that Queen Victoria would have wanted her 'access all areas, do whatever you need to' organisation to bow to a collection of corrupted army veterans." He smirked into the General's death-glare, sat back in his seat and added, "Trust me, I met her." The General clicked his fingers and pointed at Lieutenant Fielding.
"Present your findings Lieutenant." He growled, and the woman stood up timidly, shuffling a few papers.
"Sir." The General settled into his seat, his eyes never leaving Jack's. "I've prepared a portfolio of misdemeanours at Torchwood Cardiff which could have caused widespread panic, alien invasion, or even the destruction of the world. Needless to say, most of them include Jack Harkness." Ianto cleared his throat.
"That's Captin Jack Harkneth." The lieutenant looked at him and couldn't suppress a smile at the grin he was giving her.
"Anyway, I'll begin five years ago, when the Captain became leader of Torchwood three. On the New Years' Eve in question, there was a rampage of weevil activity across Cardiff resulting in two deaths and seven major injuries. These could have been avoided if sufficient personnel had been available to deal with the threats." Jack coughed.
"If the previous leader hadn't slaughtered everyone and then committed suicide, there would have been enough personnel." Lieutenant Fielding looked sceptical but flicked to the next page.
"In March this year, a new member of the team, Gwen Cooper, released a harmful alien into the atmosphere by not paying attention to her actions. That alien went on to end the lives of several civilians. If she had had proper military training then such an event would never have occurred." She looked pointedly at Jack, who grinned, remembering the merry chase the alien in question had led them on.
"She was in training at the time. People make mistakes on their first day. The alien was taken down as quickly as possible and no stories or conspiracies resulted. I'd say that's pretty good as a track record." the Lieutenant smirked.
"A good track record? Sir, with respect, I have a file here full to the brim with your own personal mistakes. The list is longer than this building is tall. Most of the problems could have been avoided if your mind weren't in your trousers." Ianto noticed Jack's eyes glimmer suddenly, but his face remained resolutely impassive.
"I hadn't realised that this was a personal problem, Lieutenant. If Unit are worried about my leadership skills, you can apply to have me replaced. The fact that I may be a questionable character by your standards does not make me any less adept at leading my team or at protecting this planet and the innocent lives upon it." He winked. "Anyway, if you'd said you were so interested in what's in my trousers, I'd have given you a personal demonstration." A slow, easy grin spread across his face the moment he realised he had won, and she sat, flustered and red in the face. "Now, how about I list a few of Unit's mistakes in turn? Don't worry, people, none of mine are personal, just demonstrating how Unit as an organisation would only serve to worsen the situation in Cardiff." He settled Ianto in the chair next to him again and pulled a piece of tech out of his pocket, placing it gently on the desk. "I brought pictures." He flipped the switch, and an image of a burning hotel complex appeared as a hologram.
"Two years ago, an unknown alien species made contact with Unit personnel at this hotel in East London. As far as anyone could tell, they were a peaceable race, and before you say anything General, yes, I did intercept their communications in order to check my translation equipment. There was no indication that they had any ulterior motives other than learning this planet's history and culture, then they were going to leave. Unit knew this." He pressed a button on the tech and the picture changed to an important file documenting the communications with the aliens. It was easily readable, and confirmed what Jack had just said. "Without giving warning (by the way that's breaking the biggest and most important inter-galactic peace law), Unit destroyed the hotel, and slaughtered the aliens, claiming their vessel for research purposes." Jack's eyes narrowed. "Seemingly no problem there, but as a result of the unceremonious destruction of their kind, a troop of the same species ended up in Cardiff three weeks later bent on destroying the human race. Torchwood barely stopped them. We could have eradicated them, that's not an issue. Instead, we conducted a conference, and apologised for YOUR actions. The argument was settled without any more bloodshed." The General smirked at Jack's speech.
"So you take a coward's approach to aliens?" Jack sneered and growled his reply,
"I'd like to see you have the guts to talk to any alien species face to face. The point here is, more gun happy welcoming of inquisitive races could cause an inter-galactic war. The earth, despite what Unit thinks, is NOT ready for that. There are races out there who would destroy this planet without any relative difficulty."
"We have nuclear weapons, Captain." The General stated. "And we have the Doctor." Jack sighed.
"So do I." He slammed a fist on the table. "Now, General, I want you to understand something. Nuclear weapons are primitive. Compared to what we dredge up from the rift, compared to the weapons used by some aliens we've faced, they're nothing but fire on a stick. Wouldn't damage the hull of most ships. This race…" He waved a hand around the room, "Is considered primitive. People are interested in Earth because it has true potential, not, don't kid yourself, not because it's powerful and interesting. The Doctor is here protecting you and your planet because he wants to nurture it, see where it goes." The General looked furious but said nothing. "Unit needs a new approach." Jack flicked the picture and an image of a young girl showed.
"This is Laura-Jayne Reynolds. Although everyone in this room is high-security clearance enough to know that already. Seven years ago, she was found wandering in Hyde Park. She had lost her memories, but claimed to be able to see the future, to 'see all of space and time'. Her parents filed a missing persons report. They're still searching for her seven years on. Unit stole her. She's kept in oohhhh… That bunker there." He pointed at one of the buildings visible out of the window. "Unit have plans to use her to close the rift. They want to sap the life-force out of a thirteen year old girl, she is thirteen now, isn't she? They want to use her life energy to permanently close the rift. Now, that's a bad thing for sooo many reasons. Firstly, SHE'S A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL!! How sick are you people? She should be out playing, coming to terms with her unusual gift. She should be just learning what sort of woman she's going to become. Having all sorts of first-time experiences…" Fielding sighed and rolled her eyes. Jack growled. "I don't mean sex, although that may be one thing you'll be denying her. Smoking, drinking, drugs, alcohol, perfume, Chinese food, horse-riding and tennis and gossiping with friends. Hell, does she even have any friends? When was the last time that poor girl saw the sun? The real sun?" He sighed, tears welling up in his eyes. "It's not fair, but I'm not here to lecture you about her, she's nothing to do with me, unfortunately. If you use her to close the Rift, there will be violent repercussions. Firstly, the Doctor needs the Rift. It fuels his TARDIS. Without the Rift there is no Doctor."
"Without the Rift we no longer need a Doctor." The General replied, a self-satisfied smirk on his face.
"Oh really? Because every alien you've ever encountered came through the Rift? Certainly that's not true in Cardiff. Second Rift related problem, the Rift is a source of unending, immeasurably strong energy. You want to wall that off? That's like putting a dam made of twigs across the river Nile, never going to work. The result could be a temporal explosion. The Rift would re-open itself causing temporal flux and allowing God only knows how many things through. The Earth would most likely be destroyed. I'm not talking the size of explosion you get from nuclear warfare, I'm talking 'BOOM' Earth… Gone. No trace of it, no evidence it ever existed. You go through with this, and the Earth could be swallowed by the vortex. Finally, we learn so much from the Rift. We monitor it, and I'm sure it monitors us. It leaves us things and it takes things away. What it leaves, we research, and we learn so much. Without that research, so many developments we take for granted today couldn't even have been conceived. We need the Rift, Sir."
"The necessity of the Rift is not in question, Captain. The necessity of Torchwood is." Jack smirked.
"Firstly, I'm guessing that in here you've got some experts. Lieutenant Fielding is evidently a research expert, a sort of archivist." Jack smiled at Ianto. "Do you have a technical expert? A doctor?" The General blinked and indicated the person to Jack's left.
"Lieutenant Harris is out tech expert." He indicated the man next to him, "And Lieutenant Moore is an extremely skilled Doctor."
"Brilliant." Jack grinned. He slid a file across the table at Moore and a piece of equipment over to Harris. "That file, Moore, took my own doctor at Torchwood only seven minutes to interpret. That piece of tech took my expert four to work out. That's all its functions and where it came from. Time starts now, boys." The General looked perplexed but allowed his people to get to work. He was slightly confused, however, when he looked at the child Harkness had brought with him to see it wielding an old fashioned stopwatch and timing them intently. Surely, that kid was only about four… was it normal for four year olds to be able to tell the time so well? He went back to watching the two work. His tech expert seemed to be getting somewhere, and just as it looked like he'd cracked it, the kid piped up with,
"Four minuts Jack." Jack grinned and held out a hand to take the tech. They watched the doctor mumble for another three minutes before Ianto smiled and said, "Time." Jack cleared his throat.
"So, Lieutenant Moore. Your findings?" The doctor floundered. "Exactly. My doctor noted on that sample analysis that there were high levels of an unknown compound. Within minutes he had analysed the compound and decided it was some kind of symbiotic fluid making it possible for an alien parasite to reside in that body. Lieutenant Harris, did you do any better?" The lieutenant looked at him, more confident than his colleague but still unsure.
"It seems to be some kind of fold away blaster. When the side folds out and you press on the indentation on the side, it blasts air. Presumably the air would dispel a projectile if it were loaded." Jack laughed.
"Trust Unit to assume it's a weapon. Why would I give you an alien weapon?" He grinned and unfolded the shiny piece of tech. "It's an alien travelling hair-dryer. Like the type women take on holiday. It's easy to pack and works pretty well. I'm impressed you worked out how to work it though. There's some hope for Unit maybe." He grinned and turned to Lieutenant Fielding. "Now, Lieutenant. You've proved you can research, but how well do you know our database? Can you analyse this tech and tell me which species it comes from, and under what code you would file it?" she took the hairdryer and studied it.
"The style of the handle suggests a three fingered race. The smoothness counts out quite a few species. From the engraved symbols I'd guess at it being Venuvian. I'd file it under VDI 'Venuvian Domestic Item'." Jack smiled.
"You don't know what number code would come next? Learn your archives better. Now we'll ask my archivist." He turned to Ianto and handed him the hairdryer. The entire room stared as if the Captain had gone mad. Ianto studied the tool. He'd never seen it before, but he was sure after a second what it was.
"It's Krelushian. The simbuls on the side say 'hot' and 'cold' and that's a diyul underneaf them. The ones on the uver side say the dayte of manufacshure, 2147. The handul is made for a four-fingured species, the leftenunt forgot the thumb. The smoove shape fit's the palm of a Krelushian femayul. I'd file it under KNDI21473.12 'Krelushian Non-harmful Domestic Item, year 2147, fird category of item we've found, twelfth of its kind. We find a lot of Krelushian buty products." Jack beamed at him.
"Brilliant, Ianto. See what I mean, General? My team are the best. I don't want to insult you, but you need better experts. There's no way you'd work out some of the things my people have had to deal with.
"Never mind that!" The General spluttered. "That child! He's your archivist? He can't be more than four years old. Is he an alien? I'm going to have to take him into custody to run some tests." Jack stood, lifted Ianto with him protectively and growled.
"That's exactly what I mean. You see something different and instead of asking him for himself, you want to run experiments on him. No, you cannot take him into custody, and no, he isn't an alien. You people make me sick. How about you stick to your playground and I stick to mine." He turned to storm out, but Ianto stopped him.
"Genrul, you weally don't have the jurisdicshun to take over Torchwud. You'd need a speshul dispensashun from the Queen herself, and she weally weally likes my coffee, so it's nevur work. Sorry to burst your bubbul." He laughed, and Jack laughed with him, and they walked out to the sounds of the General yelling at his people.
Jack swung Ianto round as they left the building, planting a big sloppy kiss on his cheek and hugging him close. They giggled all the way to the car, and Jack settled them in, but not before checking the vehicle for tracking devices, and finding four. He flopped into the seat and buckled up, starting the engine, before descending into giggles and turning to Ianto.
"His face!! When you spoke! Oh, God it's killing me!" He cackled, tears of laughter streaming down his face.
"I know! And the leftenunt's face when you said you'd show her what's in your trowsers! Pwiceleth!" They giggled a little more, but Jack settled enough to begin the long drive home. They spent most of it singing victory songs and giggling, and Jack even let Ianto have some lemonade and some chocolate as a reward for being so fantastic.
Tosh smiled and settled onto the sofa. She'd just finished her shift watching the Rift. It was nearly lunch time, and Owen was going to take her to the chic new restaurant which had opened near the millennium stadium. She hunted in her handbag for her mirror, and reapplied her mascara and lip-gloss, pouting at herself into the hand-held glass and giggling. As soon as she'd put the mirror back in her back, the doorbell rang and she went to open it, greeting a fairly shy-looking Owen. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt combo, but he'd put a plain white shirt over the top in an effort to look a little smart without trying too hard. She looked him up and down and smiled, and he ran an appraising eye over her knee length skirt and gorgeous heels.
"You look great." He leaned forward to give her a cute peck on the cheek and she giggled. He held out an arm and she slid hers through to link them, stepping out and locking the door behind her. They walked slowly into town, enjoying each others company and the sun, which was gracing Wales with its' presence for once. Finally, they reached the restaurant, smiling and laughing together about some stupid stuff Owen had done over the past week. The waiter showed them to a table for two by the window, where they could chat and people watch at the same time.
"So, anything interesting happen this morning?" Owen inquired, glancing at the menu, which was fairly presumptuous and had a lot of dishes containing caviar or oysters.
"I thought we weren't going to talk about work?" Tosh smirked, raising an eyebrow. Owen grinned. "Nothing much happened, no. But you should see Ianto today, he looks so cute. In fact, the pair of them looked cute. This whole baby thing has really domesticated them. Before, I thought Jack just wanted to get into Ianto's pants, but now… the way he's looking after him makes me wonder…" Owen rolled his eyes.
"You know, Tosh, Jack Harkness would stoop to any level to get a lay. He's probably just pretending because he thinks that's what's most likely to get the Teaboy into his tiny little camp-bed under the office floor." He considered a moment. "Then again, he has gone a little bit too gooey this time… I wouldn't be surprised if it turned Ianto off…" Tosh giggled.
"Exactly. I don't think it's pretend. I think he's really gushing. He doesn't know how to do it if the emotions are real so he's getting a little too protective and all that. Trust me, I've been here longest, I've seen him bed a few people. He's tried the approach of making them feel special before, but never turned it on this much. And anyway, I don't think Ianto is the type to respond to that sort of thing. I think he sees through our Captain more than you give him credit for." Owen snorted, and after ordering a bottle of white wine from the waiter, retorted with,
"He sees through his clothes, that's for sure. Did you see the two of them, before the whole baby thing happened? They were constantly checking each other out. It's kinda sickening. Anyway, what're you gonna order?" Tosh giggled as she remembered catching Ianto staring at Jack, and his resulting blush. She considered the menu again.
"I think I'll have the warm goat's cheese salad." She smiled at him.
"Woman food." He grinned. "I'm having the steak." He accepted the wine from the waiter and ordered their food for them, smiling at Tosh who blushed a little under his gaze.
Lunch went well, and the two found themselves relaxing in each other's company. They had more in common than they had first assumed, both having a penchant for wine, spicy food, and both being cat people. Once the meal was over, he walked her back to her place, and they stood talking on the doorstep for a few minutes, before lapsing into a tense silence of anticipation.
"I'd invite you in, but your shift at the Hub starts in ten minutes, and you'd never get there in time." She smiled, blushing furiously. He had the decency to go a little pink himself as he mumbled,
"No worries… I had a good time. We should definitely do that again." He grinned as she nodded quickly. "So… I guess I'll see you later? I'll text you when the hub gets too boring and Janet stops being fun." He leaned forwards, catching her lips in a sweet, chaste kiss. She wound her arms around his neck, letting the kiss linger a while before pulling back and blushing even more.
"Thanks for today, Owen. I'll speak to you later." She gave him one last glance, then disappeared inside, leaving him to start the walk to the hub, his mind swimming with warm, fuzzy thoughts about how well the afternoon had gone.