Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor any place, brand, band, series, or label I may write about.
Warning: Not much yet, a bit vulgarity maybe, other than that. it's pretty safe.
Chapter 5:
So Maybe, My Heart is Not Robotic.
I'm in love with a boy.
He's my best friend, the only thing that really matters to me.
Inuyasha.
He's sitting right across from me.
His silver hair lays tangled.
I don't think he has rummaged through it in days.
He's such a mess.
I wonder what is going through his mind?
I could only guess.
Kikyo.
I suppose I cannot complain though.
He's here. He's by my side and not hers. He chose me himself.
Still I sometimes wonder.
Oh, how much time I have to wonder in this silence.
Does he regret this?
I tried.
I tried so hard to make him happy.
My insides chimed like church bells every time he spoke.
I did everything I could to make him forget her, to make him love me.
Did it work?
I don't think so.
I wanted it so bad, though. I guess I let myself believe we were alright.
That it'd last forever.
Oh, how naive I must have looked!
Three days have passed and I still don't know what to think.
I don't even think he knows.
Time stopped.
Darling, please tell me...
When will it start up again?
I feel frozen in place, like the days just keep repeating themselves over and over again.
A reoccurring dream?
Maybe I'm just dreaming.
God, how I hope this nightmare is just a dream!
He sits and we talk..
about hardly anything at all.
What happened?
We must have come unplugged from the stained outlet on the wall.
How else can this be explained?
There is no static.
No connection.
Nothing at all, except Jolly Rancher and Pixie Stick wrappers.
Material items, nonetheless.
Maybe if I eat enough pixie dust, I can make the scene change behind the curtains.
Sour Apple.
Strawberry.
I'll need something sweeter than that to wish this all away.
"I have to go now, bye."
My thoughts are interrupted by his voice.
"Yeah, um, later."
And so he walks out the door, maybe even off to see her.
What a productive day we have had here.
We have accomplished another day of breathing air and disgusting junk food.
There's got than more to this.
I practically feel like I'm killing him from the inside out.
Should I just give in?
Maybe I should just tell him that it's okay if he chooses her.
That is what he wants anyway, isn't it?
Let go, Kagome.
Stop being so damn selfish.
Can't you see?
You're clinging like a magnet.
It's time to let
Go.
My thoughts run wild.
It's almost like they are speaking to me.
Am I going crazy?
No.
It's nothing of the sort.
I guess I'm just overwhelmed, that's all.
I can't seem to come up a solution to all of this, a game plan.
What should I do?
I was never good at sports, let alone leading a team.
What team?
I guess it's just me.
Maybe that's how it should have been along.
I wasn't destined to be part of whole or anything of the sort,
No.. not in sports, definitely not in this.
All that's left now to decide is..
How should I do this?
Should I lay it all out, bluntly, directly to the point?
Or should I give him an excuse, a lie.. make him think it was by my own choice?
I..
became allergic to the male species, sorry.
Hmm... maybe, not.
And so, I get off my bed.
I've been staring at the ceiling for hours, my neck hurts.
As I think through all my options, I try to be as mechanic as possible.
Computers and calculators, they all respond with no emotion.
That's what I must do,
carry on without a fear or tear.
After all, I cannot go near him and phase into a human being before his eyes.
I'll appear too depressed, too...
lost.
I want him to think it means nothing.
I want to mimic that face he carries when he walks up my drive.
Yeah, I know it's hurting him.
That's why I am so determined to make it stop.
I'll do what I have to.
Even if I lose myself in the process.
I grab my cell.
Dial his number.
And flip off that switch... that makes the human in me come out.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Inuyasha."
"Hey there, what's up?
A lump in my throat formed the second his voice went through the telephone speaker.
I can do this. I must.
"Hey, you there?"
I took a deep breath, although it didn't seem to help.
I felt myself hyperventilating.
I couldn't breathe. I lost my breath, the fear monster must have stole it.
I felt the world around me swirl and darken.
What was happening?
I felt like I had sneezed.
My eyes were shut in an instant.
And my breath was gone for a moment.
The only difference, was that I didn't feel my senses coming back.
I was gone.
"Kagome! What's going on?
Did I hear you fall? Listen, don't move...
I'm calling for help.
Stay with me."
"Yeah, sure," I thought.
As I lied there, I reviewed what just happened in my head.
My legs, my arms. They didn't move.
I guess it was too much to take in, I must have passed out.
Maybe my heart is not robotic.