Disclaimer: I reject credit for this. Credit goes to Stephanie Meyer, et al.
Chapter Two: On My Own
The Used
See all those people on the ground
Wasting time?
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what I do know?
And now it seems that I have found
Nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
Slow it down, slow it down
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all
On my own [x6]
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all
On my own [x4]
October 10th
I had been having a wonderful dream in a warm sleeping bag before my body suddenly hit something very, very cold.
"Hey!" I exclaimed, my eyes flinging open. Instinctively, I flinched away from the cold ground of the tent, rolling back to the warmth I had just been immersed in and straight on top of Bella. It only registered for a second that I should alleviate the weight I was putting on the small body of Bella before I felt a grip on me, throwing me into one of the tent poles.
I immediately snarled; I knew who did it. That lousy bloodsucker! He was crouched protectively in front of Bella, emitting snarls angrily out of his chest. I was half-crouched, too, my whole body quivering, while growls rumbled through my clenched teeth. Outside the tent, Seth Clearwater's vicious snarls echoed off the rocks.
"Stop it, stop it!" Bella yelled, scrambling awkwardly to put herself between us. The space was so small that she didn't have to stretch far to put one hand on each of our chests. Edward wrapped his hand around her waist, ready to yank her out of the way in case he wanted to lunge at me. I wish he had.
"Stop it, now," she warned him. I was slightly thankful that she was trying to protect me. But I didn't need her protection. I couldn't help but shift back on me heels and straighten a little at the touch of Bella's hand on my chest, though. The shaking of my body slowed, but my eyes were still fixed furiously on Edward. Seth continued to growl, a long unbroken sound, a violent background to the sudden silence in the tent.
"Jacob?" Bella asked, waiting until I finally dropped my glare to look at her. "Are you hurt?"
"Of course not!" I hissed. I couldn't tolerate the fact that she could think that a leech could harm me. And I didn't want him to apologize, either. I sure as hell wasn't going to say sorry. But he did anyway.
"My apologies, dog."
"No harm done," I said tauntingly. I turned and slid into the down bag once again. "I wasn't quite ready to wake up. That was the best night's sleep I ever had."
"It was your idea," Edward said impassively.
"I didn't say it wasn't the best night I've ever spent. Just that I didn't get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up."
Bella winced.
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," Edward muttered.
"Didn't you have a nice night, then?" I asked, smug.
"It wasn't the worst night of my life."
"Did it make the top ten?" I asked with perverse enjoyment.
"Possibly."
I smiled and closed my eyes.
"But," Edward went on, "if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream about that."
My eyes opened into a glare. I sat up stiffly, my shoulders tense.
"You know what? I think it's too crowded in here."
"I couldn't agree more."
"Guess I'll catch up on my sleep later, then." I made a face. "I need to talk to Sam anyway."
I rolled to my knees and grabbed the door's zipper.
"Jake, wait—" I heard Bella call, her arm sliding down my arm. I jerked my arm away before her fingers could purchase.
"Please Jake? Won't you stay?"
"No."
The word was hard and cold. Her face gave away her pain, and I felt guilty. I exhaled and half a smile softened my expression.
"Don't worry about me, Bells. I'll be fine, just like I always am." I forced a laugh. "'Sides, you think I'm going to let Seth go in my place—have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right." I snorted.
I shoved out of the tent before Bella could say anything more.
Before I could walk away I heard Bella say, "We stay together. No matter what."
"No matter what," Edward agreed.
I couldn't help but choke on some bile that threatened to escape from my stomach. I didn't understand how Bella could love him so completely.
I wanted to walk away from the tent. I really did. But my curiosity was overwhelming to see any reason why Bella should love a blood sucker as much as she did and, sure enough, I heard them talking about what they loved. Ten things Edward loved, more specifically. I cringed; did I really want to know?
Yes. I wanted to know those ten best nights of his limitless life. The first they mentioned: the first night they stayed together. Argh! Flying home from Italy…that must be from their near-death experience with the Italian vampires. Not too impressive, I thought. Last night was better. The night after Italy was apparently a favorite, too.
"You were so funny," Edward said.
What?
"I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake."
"I'm still not sure," Bella muttered. "You've always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of yours now. Did I guess your first place?"
I felt myself lean closer to the tent, though that was hardly necessary for my abnormal hearing abilities.
"No," replied Edward.
I barely heard the words that came next because I started shaking in fury. I wasn't sure if I had heard correctly. I think he said, "That would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me."
The words were echoing in my head.
Marry me. Marry me. Marry Edward. Bella's gone.
It kept in time with the trembles that wracked my body.
Screw the list of top ten. I had to get away, I felt like hurling, but I was trembling so bad that I didn't think I could do anything at all. I transformed and ripped the outside air apart by emitting an earsplitting howl of pain. The sound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it seared from every direction before I ran for it.
I wanted Bella to know how much I was hurting.
I couldn't see the trees—they were blurs. I didn't want the others to hear my thoughts, but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't calm down enough to be human. I had to be a wolf right now, a monster.
I didn't care if I ran into any newborn vampires right now. I wanted to tear my teeth in them and pretend they were Edward, that filthy leech. I was only slightly aware of the fact that I was running toward the area where the fight was supposed to be. I slowed down, my conscious starting to weigh in to my fury.
I stopped. I thought. That was all I could do. I paced around in circles after that, ripping up the leaves on the earthy floor.
You knew that was coming, you can't deny that.
I'm sorry, mate.
The thoughts of the others didn't comfort me at all.
Butt out!
I growled loudly, enough for it to reverberate back to me off from the trees.
Edward is trying to find you.
Great. Peachy, really. I can personally rip his head off now, I thought angrily.
Come on, be rational.
I AM BEING RATIONAL!
No, you're upset, said another. It was Sam. You won't hurt him. You will listen. We can't have a fight amongst ourselves right now; we have a battle to fight.
I hated that I had to obey him, and the order was permeating my bloodstream.
I could smell the filthy vampire before I could see him. If I wasn't in my wolf form already, I would've exploded by the scent. He infuriated me! When I could see him, he was approaching slowly as if to see if I would attack him. The only thing that was holding me back was Sam's orders.
Edward must've heard my thoughts that I couldn't attack him even if I wanted to, 'cause he approached a little faster now until we were face-to-face. We stood across from each other, engaged in a staring contest that neither of us seemed to want to lose. Our glares were so intense that it really was a good thing that looks couldn't kill.
"Jacob, we need to talk."
Obviously, but I knew that wasn't his point. He wanted me to transform. So I walked behind some trees, transformed, put my shorts on and stalked back to him with balled fists.
"What?" I demanded.
"You know what," he said quietly.
I ignored him. "Do you think Bella would get too mad if I accidentally killed her frianc—boyfriend?" I couldn't say the word fiancée yet. It hadn't registered, only anger.
"Look, I didn't say I was going to fight fair," said Edward. "I am sorry, though."
I bet if I could read his thoughts it said he was only sorry because it upset Bella. I wasn't sure if she really was upset, but I assumed she was because of the leech's reaction to my thoughts.
"She wants to talk to you."
"Does she?" I asked apathetically.
"Yes."
I snorted.
"She just wants us to get past our differences."
I simply grunted and dropped to the ground with a thud.
"Look, I'm not liking this either. I would rather not be around you or your friends," Edward said, hearing a distant growl of offence in the trees somewhere.
"Are you implying you'd rather jump off the bluff than hang out with my friends? Well I would rather chop off my fingers one by one and set myself on fire than hang out with yours."
Edward couldn't help but smile. "Well then, that's settled." He held out his pallid hand to shake on it.
I looked at him as if he'd gone insane. I scoffed. "Yeah, right. Like I'm going to touch you. You're not exactly the greatest perfume for me."
"Why do you always have to be so insufferable?"
"Why do you always have to be such a—"
Edward held up his hand.
"What?" I asked impatiently.
"Sam wants us to hurry. We don't have much time left. Are you coming, or not?"
"Oh," I said, slightly put-out that he got the message before me. "Yeah, sure, sure."
We raced back to the camping site, me trying to beat that bloodsucker the whole way and trying to forget about what I overheard Bella and Edward talking about.
I stared where I stood at the falling snow. This seemed to be all I ever did during my rounds anymore–stare blankly into space as each of my pack members circled on and on around their lookout zones.
The snow was falling so hard that all I could see a short distance ahead of me was white—as if nothing existed outside my realm of vision but a vast, empty white space…
Jake.
A voice from my head broke me out of my reverie. My first thought was that Sam had given me an order that I missed—one that, of course, I had not heard due to the fact I had not been paying attention. But when I averted my attention away from the wintery weather, I noticed that Seth and I were the only ones outside. The others must have transformed back to human form, because I couldn't hear them.
We're done with our rounds, Seth thought with a hint of concern.
I felt like an idiot. I snorted and thought slightly, Sorry, and acted like I was ready to go back.
Are you feeling okay? I couldn't help but notice you weren't paying attention all day. Or yesterday, too. Seth moved closer. And now that I think about it, you've been acting this way for some time now. Does this have anything to do with your desire to kill Edward, and the plans? He thought the last part with a bit of hesitation.
This angered me. Not because he'd brought up the subject of my wishes, but because how oblivious could the kid be? If he'd been paying any attention at all, he would have noticed that my lack of interest had begun to dissipate about only three months ago.
No, I thought curtly. I turned to go.
Well, then what is bothering you?
Nothing, I lied. Honestly, I'm fine.
Seth shook his shaggy head. No you're not, Jake. You come to the pack everyday looking like you've gone days without sleep. You've distanced yourself from us. I can hardly hear your thoughts anymore. Your duties as on this tribe have been slipping. I've been informed by Embry that you're bribing the others to perform your duties for you.
I tried my best not to think or look guilty. Those accusations are unfounded, Seth.
Unfounded? I ran into Leah last night, as a matter of fact. She was patrolling the east—a job you were supposed to be doing last night. I asked her and she admitted that you had threatened her to take over your duties for the night. What the heck were you doing that was more important than your pack duties, Jake?
It took all my strength to repress thoughts that said, the same thing I do every night; sitting alone, wanting to die. Instead I deliberately thought defensively, does it really matter what I was doing?
I could hear Seth considered this for a moment. I suppose not. What matters is that you haven't been doing the jobs you've been assigned. This is hardly the way a pack member should behave. Especially you, Jake. You're supposed to set examples for the others…like me. The wolf sighed. I don't want Sam to have to kick you out—especially right now. And especially after…well, after everything that has happened. You are smart. You just need to try a little harder. Can you do that?
Well, gosh. That made me feel awfully guilty. I gritted his teeth and nodded. Sure, sure. Without so much as another thought, I headed back, but Seth called me back.
Hey, before you leave, I think there's something we need to talk about.
I stopped a mere inches from where I took off. What else could there possibly be for us to discuss? I turned around.
What's this about? I asked, cooperating the best I could. I liked Seth.
For a moment, the kid before me remained silent; his jaw clenched together; the expression on his wolf face indicating that maybe he didn't want to say whatever it was he was going to say. Sam and a few others…including me…think that it would be best to go on a hunt with you. For a girl. Er, a soulmate. Someone you can imprint on.
WHAT? I exploded. I realized my outburst might have taken him by surprise. Surely he hadn't been expecting me to react that way to this piece of news. You can't possibly want me to do that.
Sam wants you to. It's been almost three months now since—
Three months exactly, I corrected him. Three months today.
Seth seemed taken-aback. Right. It's been three months today. Meaning the one person we all thought you could imprint on is gone. You're going to have to find someone sometime.
No one can replace her, I mumbled. I just think…maybe I shouldn't imprint.
Why the heck not? We need to strengthen the pack more than ever. Especially since one of our members is slacking in his duties…
I'm sorry, I thought. Okay? I'm sorry I've been slacking. I'm sorry I've been doing everything wrong, but please…please don't have Sam make me find a girl. I promise I'll be a better role model for the others. I promise I'll start doing all of my duties again. I can do this alone, I swear. With the help of all others and everything, we don't need another person to carry on the pack. All of you guys who have imprinted have got it covered.
I was sure that if Seth didn't know any better, he would've sworn I was begging. He thought, I'm sorry, too.
Then I heard Sam. He must have transformed and been listening. But it's been three months now, Jacob. We've put this off long enough. If we don't have you imprint, we're just allowing things to remain the way they were since Bella…well, since she died. It's not healthy. We all need to move on, and we can start by doing this. I'm sorry if that is not what you want. But it's what needs to be done. There is no discussion about it.
I scowled at him. I honestly don't care who you try to make me choose. I turned abruptly. Excuse me; I have some sleep to catch up on.
Jake! Seth called after me.
I half-expected Sam to reprimand me for my rudeness. Instead he thought, your duty tonight is to patrol the northeast. If I see anyone else doing it in place of you, I may have to seriously reconsider your place in this pack.
Sure, sure.
As if I really cared. But I didn't think it for him to hear. I just walked away in a huff, wondering which member I should ask to take over my duties that night.