Hey, how're you, you cheeky bitches? This is probs gonna come to an end soon. Maybe. Hmph.
Disclaimer: Don't own Boosh or any of Katy Perry's lyrics

'I kissed a girl, and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick…' Vince was singing under his breath in the guv's car, on the way to the station. He was absentmindedly thinking of Hannah, how nice she was, which brought him thinking about his mother.

He could barely remember her. He had lived happily enough with her and his dad, until he was about 6, but then his dad left. And he'd never been able to find him. Not a trace. Howard had even let him have a quick glance through the police records, and even then there had been nothing whatsoever about an Oliver Noir. His mum hadn't even contacted them. He hadn't been filed as 'missing'.

He shivered as Gene wound the window down. Remembering something, he shot bolt upright in his seat and shouted,

"Stop!!" The guv swerved in the road and swore, looking over at Vince,

"There had better be a bloody good reason for this Noir!" He yelled, forgetting about the wife's order to be nice to the little scroat.

"I left my jacket at mine!" He whimpered, "Can we go back and get it?" Gene flushed a very deep purple that surely couldn't have been good for him. Straining against every grain in his torso he didn't punch the DI (but it was an extremely close thing). He threw the car into reverse and when he had finally manoeuvred around, he flew down the streets at what felt like 200mph.

Vince sat shaking in his seat, clutching the dash board with one hand, and his seat belt in the other, praying that he would make it to his jacket in one piece.

--

He managed to open the door and stumbled out, mumbling he'd only be a minute to Gene, who was his usual colour, but was now drinking what was probably alcohol from a hip flask and drumming impatient fingers on the steering wheel. Vince pounded up the stairs, praying to a god he wasn't sure he believed in that the freaky girl from the telly had finally gone, and maybe...just maybe, Howard was waiting to talk to him.

He got closer to his door, nerves fraying already, and reached out a shaking hand to open the door. It creaked but swung open easily and Vince crept in, peering round the door in case she was waiting for him behind it. He let out a shaky breath when the flat seemed to be deserted, and proceeded to go over to the chair near the telly, to snatch up his jacket. A voice made his hand freeze in mid air,

"Hi sweetheart. I know I haven't...haven't visited in a while, but I've been...thinking," Howard paused to swallow, but then carried on, "This isn't right for you is it?" Vince was sure he could feel someone tenderly stroking the back of his hand, "I know I sound like I'm talking...well, complete bollocks, but it's not right for you to be stuck there, with nothing to do. What if you can hear me and can't say anything? It's just... Damnit!!"

Vince jumped as Howard screamed at nothing,

"You're so sparkly and energetic and amazing and... I can't, don't want to see you lie so still, with machines helping you breathe. They've.... they've asked if I want to... switch the machine off"

Vince gasped and started shaking the telly,

"No, Howard I'm here, I'm gonna come back, just, please babe, don't!!" He stopped trying to form a sentence, tears falling down his face as he stared at the telly, wishing it to speak words of comfort to him,

"I said... we'd wait, to see how you went, but they said... they said people don't usually come out of comas of this severity," Vince pulled a puzzled face, and as if by magic Howard said, "People don't usually come out of comas this bad. Even if you do come out of it, they said there's a chance that you'll be...well, brain dead. I know you don't want that, and you've no idea how much it hurts to hear stuff like this"

"Well it's hurting quite alot!" Vince said angrily, before remembering the severity of the situation,

"They're gonna give you another 24 hours," Howard choked out, "But they said they weren't holding much hope. You know I love you with all my heart, and I've tried everything to make them stop, but they said there's no...no point" Vince could clearly hear Howard sobbing, "But there is, I told them it's you, and that's the strongest argument I have. But they said...they said that wasn't good enough"

THere was a slience and Vince thought that his fiancee had stopped talking, and jumped as he started again,

"I don't.... I don't know what to do Vince. What do I do? I just...oh god, I know you can hear me, and I want you to know, if there's still no...improvement after 24 hours I'll..." The telly went grainy and quiet. Vince gaped at it for a second before throwing himself at it and hitting it with all his might,

"No, Howard Tommy Jerry Moon you listen to me!! You are not going to...I, I love you, and you love me, that's enough right?? I just..." He started sobbing, throwing anything at the telly, shoes, hairspray, brushes, anything he in a 3 foot radius he could get his hands on.

Eventually he gave up the fight and curled up on a ball, exactly like the first time when Howard had spoken. He didn't even jump as the door was slammed open,

"NOIR!! You better..." The guv tailed off as he surveyed the scene. Clothes and shoes were strewn everywhere, magazines flung around the room, the telly's screen was almost kicked in, and the DI - his DI, was curled up in a small ball, crying.

"Vince?" The DCI's voice became more gentle as he slowly made his way over to where the young man lay. He stretched out a hesitant hand and placed it on Vince's shoulder, "Are you alright?"

Vince looked up at him, blue eyes turned grey, all colour and life sucked out of them. He still lay curled up, hands clutching his thin stomach, hair all over the place,

"He said...he...." Vince couldn't finish his sentence, and was reduced to sobbing once more. Gene looked down at him, admittedly worried about the young man,

"Vince were you robbed? Was someone waiting here when you came in?" Vince shook his head, cursing himself as soon as he did. That would have been and easier answer to the 'what's wrong?' question.

"Then what happened?" Vince managed to sit himself up, and wiped his nose on his hand, not caring about the disgustingness of it right now.

"Erm...I mean, yeah, I was mugged, they... shoved a gun against my head and erm...hit me. Alot" His stuttered confession didn't sound very convincing, but the guv seemed to understand and carefully helped him up,

"Do you want to...stay here? Today, I mean" Vince glanced at the telly. Would he be able to cope if Howard talked again?

"Erm... no, I don't want to be, here...I mean, I'll come... come into work" He walked out, stuffing his jacket on with shaking fingers. How would he get back in 24 hours? It was impossible, he had no idea what to do, could he just run and run? Maybe finding a small door back to the real world? He let out an hysterical laugh that made the guv nervous.

"Vincey boy, are sure you want to go in?" Vince nodded emphatically and nearly ran to the car, waiting for the guv to come and unlock it.

--

Gene kept giving Vince quick, worried glances every so often in the station. This went unnoticed by the young man, but every single other police officer noticed, and were murmuring to each other in corners. Who knew the guv would be worried about this girly, thin inspector who annoyed him so much?

"Annie!" Vince yelled as he saw the young WPC. She turned and smiled gently at him. She had heard about the whole being hit by a door incident yesterday, and had been quite worried when he hadn't been in the rest of the day. She was, however, quite glad that he had come in with the guv. He was protected and it showed that Gene didn't hate him completely.

"How are you Vince?" She asked, eager to know why he had come in with the guv,

"I'm fine," He started distractedly, "But listen," he pulled her to a corner and she looked up at him, confused, "Howard just talked to me, he said that if in 24 hours I don't make any improvement, they're gonna turn the life support off! You've got to help me!"

He tried to ignore the weird looks she was giving him, but couldn't help and snarl slightly,

"What? It's true and....and I don't know what to do" He tailed off dejectedly. Annie opened her mouth and was about to start talking, when Gene came over to him and said,

"Away and curl yer hair love" to her, making her roll her eyes and murmur,

"Yes sir" and walk off. Vince looked up at Gene and said,

"What?" the guv motioned for him to walk with him and said,

"You remember we have that new gang in town, the Morton brothers?" Vince shrugged. He barely remembered anything from round here. The name sounded sorta familiar though,

"Well we do, and we've pulled in a bloke that could be connected with them. Found 'im in a hotel room that was listed as a place to contact them" Vince nodded, looking round at the telly sets they had dotted around on desks. Could he try and talk to Howard through these? Maybe if he tuned it properly?

"Pay attention!" Gene snapped, making him jump, "Listen, we need to interview him, so just keep it together for a while, got it?" Vince nodded and asked,

"What's his name?"

"Oliver Noir"

--

Vince collapsed into the chair opposite the suspects. It was his dad. Same name, same hair, little crooked smile he always gave his mum, blue eyes, same crap dress sense. He looked at him, mouth hung open. Memories came flooding back to him. His mum and dad holding his hands, swinging him up and down in a park, his dad tickling him, his dad...

"You related then? Both Noirs?"

"Oh give over" Oliver grinned good-naturedly over at Vince, who smiled weakly, trying to learn every small detail about his dad's face. Every line and contour there, Vince analysed. He had so many questions... Questions that would never be answered.

"So, Mr Noir, what were you doing in the hotel room?" Vince glanced up to hear his dad answer,

"I sell cleaning products, my regional supervisor is a Mr... a Mr Bomont, you can, check with him. Anyway, I was hoping to meet a client there and discuss some business"

"Why in a hotel room?" Gene asked, suspiciously. Mr Noir looked scared for a second, so Vince leapt in,

"It's...neutral ground. For meeting clients...I mean" He stuttered as both men turned to look at him. Gene raised an eyebrow,

"Well in that case you're free to go Mr Noir! Should we let him go Vince?" Vince stared at Oliver, wondering if he'd say anything. His eyes went bright and blue and said, somewhat excitedly,

"Oh, I've got a young lad called Vince!"

"I've got a pain in the arse called Vince!" Vince stuck his tongue out, but shyly stuck it back in as Gene swelled up and glared at him.

"I should...erm..." He practically ran out of the room, but didn't stop there, and continued running until he got back to his flat.

--

He didn't bother checking the flat this time, but ran straight in, and went directly towards the telly, which thankfully still worked as Vince switched it on. Knowing what he was doing made no sense and there was no point to it, he crept up extremely closely to it and said,

"Guess what Howard? I've found my dad! Y'know how I always said I went to live with Bryan because he was really good friends with my mum? It wasn't...exactly like that," He hung his head as he admitted lying, "My dad left, roundabout...now."

He stopped talking as what he said hit him like a ton of bricks. What if that was it? That was how to get back? Maybe if he got his dad to stay, he would go back! It was a longshot, but he had to try.

"Howard I've got it! I just have to keep him with us. With me and mum! And he looks no different y'know, he's exactly how I remember him! It's genius, I can almost see him" He grinned widely, for what seemed like the first time in ages as he remembered his dad, all the things he'd done, everything that had happened before he left.

"And Howard... hey Howard, I've just remembered something else!" He was laughing as he recalled his fondest memory, all of them locked away until now. He was now almost doubled up, laughing.

"Vince?!" His head shot up as Howard's voice once again emanated from the telly, "Oh god, Vince?! Can you hear me??"

"What?" Vince yelped, before shaking the object once again and screaming, "I'm here Howard, right here! I can hear you!" He could hear the crashing of trolleys, the shouting as doctors ordered various nurses about, all in his head, not from his telly this time.

"Sir, what's wrong?"

"It's Vince, he...just then, you must have seen, he smiled! I'm almost certain he was on the verge of laughing, did you?..."

"Yes, I think, look - just then, he did!"

"Is this good?" Howard sounded scared, but ecstatic at the same time,

"I believe so, he might come out of this in one piece after all. Let's get him for another CT scan"

"Did you hear that Vince? You might come back! I'm sorry for almost pulling the plug I just..."

The voices died away, and Vince sat there, stunned. He was going to go back. He knew it! Maybe it really is his dad, the way for him to get back? If he smiled in real life when laughing, thinking about his dad, what would happen if he got his dad to stay?

Please review? I'm not sure about any of the Howince stuff. Not that there's a lot, I just... Bah, I'm tired and hungry :( Please review? Again lol. Hope you liked it!