You Won't Find This Chapter 5, an one tree hill fanfic

Chapter 5

Did you check the tires
Put gas in the car
Don't think you need too much, 'cause you ain't gonna get that far
Did you pack the good times
Don't forget a map
Just in case the route you take isn't there to take you back

Lucas was sitting on Nathan and Haley's couch, Peyton beside him, grasping his hand tightly. Haley's voice was filling the room, harmonizing with the soft strum of her guitar strings. Miriam sat beside her mother on the step in front of the fireplace, while Aaden and Nathan squished into the recliner together. Miriam's young but strong voice joined her mother's as they reached the chorus.

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and you've run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end close is all there is
But you won't find this
No, you won't find this

Lucas looked up to the mantle at the picture displayed in a simple gold frame, then down to his hand, still holding Peyton's. Remorse filled his heart as he looked at the faces of his grinning children, all sitting on Brooke's hospital bed, Leighton proudly holding her baby brother. He had missed that day. He had been at work, or rather with Peyton.

Peyton. He loved her. Or so he told himself. Mainly, she was there. She was willing. Something Brooke wasn't. Peyton was available. Brooke was a mother of five. Lucas looked back up to the picture. He knew he wasn't being fair. Brooke had five kids, but he did too. Leighton and Aniston were his. Jenna and Taylor were his. Elijah was his. But, as he thought about it, he realized that they weren't. They weren't his. Biologically, yes, but he didn't know them. At one point he had, or he had at least known Leighton and Aniston. But Jenna and Taylor and Elijah were mysteries to him. So yes, Peyton fulfilled a longing, but he could never find love for her like the love for his children.

There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

Haley's voice slowly dropped off as she let her daughter lead the second verse. Lucas listened to the voice of the little girl he loved so much. He tried to remember his first time with Peyton. It was probably at the office after everyone else had gone home. But he didn't know for sure. It had become a constant in his life. Sex with Peyton. Rarely had he slept with his wife in the past few years, but he remembered them distinctly. He remembered the night little Elijah had been conceived. Peyton had been sick and out of work, and he had no reason to stay late.

He had come home from work in time for dinner, which had thrilled Brooke. He remembered that dinner. Aniston was on cloud nine, having his daddy home to eat with him. Lucas knew he hadn't been the most attentive listener, but Aniston told him everything there was to know about… giraffes maybe. Afterwards, Brooke put the kids to bed while he watched television. Brooke had come into the family room crying, begging Lucas to love her. Her tears broke his heart, and he loved her the only way he remembered how. Nine months later Elijah arrived.

Haley joined back in for the chorus and Lucas found himself missing his wife. He looked over at Peyton who had a look of fake attentiveness on her face. He felt himself hating her. Not because she was rude, or fake, which she was, but because she wasn't Brooke. His thoughts were beginning to make sense. He had never wanted Peyton, he had wanted love. Life with Brooke was complicated, and sex with Peyton wasn't. But Peyton was lacking. It wasn't anything he could pin-point, but he knew it was there.

He needed Brooke. He wanted Brooke. Peyton wasn't it. He needed attention, and Peyton gave it to him. But it didn't last. Peyton wasn't lasting. She was simply a short term replacement, because he didn't want to have to deal with the craziness of life with Brooke. He felt his eyes fill with tears that he wiped quickly away. He knew what he had to do. Peyton wasn't Brooke.

AN- Alright guys, don't think I'm letting Lucas off the hook. He still cheated on his wife, but I wanted to show his side of things and exactly how he realized his mistakes. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! They really do make my day. Not to mention, without them, this chapter probably would never have been written. So please review! They give me so much encouragement and so many great ideas. Thanks! Lyrics by Carrie Underwood.