Welcome back to "Saturday Night Catastrophe!" Last time, an ordinary Saturday night at home took an unexpected twist when the power went out during everyone's (except Vera's) beloved show, Naruto. A few kicks, bitch slaps, electrocutions, and obnoxious banter later, the power came back on, but the rest us got our lights knocked out by deadly Pringle flatulence.
What happened to us now? Are we dead from Zack's poisonous fumes? Have we made it to our destination unharmed? Will we ever return back to the real world? Will we all live to see future chapters or perish at the hands of murders and ninja, starvation and thirst, pedophiles and flunkies, insanity and fan girls, DRUMSTICKS AND POTATO CHIPS!? (Pause to take breath).
Disclaimer: Zack and I are only responsible for this fan fiction and own nothing else. Because if either of us did own Naruto, (SPOILER! SPOILER! SPOILER!) Hinata would not have died in the last chapter. I just finished watching the manga and I am FURIOUS! Now, if you excuse me, I need to go collect the seven Dragon Balls so I can revive Hinata. In the meantime, please enjoy the fan fiction.
So Happily Unsatisfied: Yo Goku! Get your monkey ass back over here and gimme those balls!
Chapter 1
I try to open my eyes, but my vision is all but clear. "What happened?" I asked myself while trying to process where exactly am I. Everything around me looked like a vibrant colored oil painting that someone brushed up against it and smeared the canvas it before it fully dried.
"Ah! I'm blind!" Vera exclaimed while frantically waving her arms around like a crazy woman. Sadie then grunted when she began to pick herself up off the ground and pranced over to a hysterical Vera. You could hear the dog sigh as she tugged my glasses off of Vera's face and walked over to me. "Damn, Hannah. You're blind!"
The spaniel dropped my silver rimmed glasses from her mouth onto my lap and I was about to say something back to Vera for calling me blind when I saw where we were. My glasses helped me see that the three of us were sitting in a leafy green forest with very tall trees that towered like skyscrapers, flowers that decorated the ground delicately, and little woodland creatures freely roaming the landscape. It looked almost like postcard, and I instantly fell in love with what I saw and felt the need to draw.
Vera rolled her eyes and even snickered a little when I noticed my art supply box was here too, and I cradled and caressed the container as if it were my own child. "Oh! Kami loves me!" I cried and eagerly started to pull out charcoal sticks, chalk pastels, and erasers. My babies were safe from harm's way and were about to fulfill my desire until I made an amazing revelation that only a genius like myself would be able to conduct several moments after preparing my supplies for my next masterpiece. "I don't have any paper! NOOOOO!"
"Shut the hell up, Hannah! Stop being such a Drama Queen," Vera scowled at my hyperventilating form. Of course, I was not paying attention because I was too busy banging my dense noggin into nearby trees in a vain attempt to release my building frustration. Vera noticed that I was starting to break trees, so impelled me to stop by forcefully pulling me away from the skyscraper tree by my blouse collar. I finally ceased once I realized I was banging my head into air and turned around to see Vera glaring at me with the biggest vein throbbing on her brow.
"What's got you all worked up?" I asked my friend, but the question only made the vein grow bigger. Don't ask me how, though! I didn't even think it was possible for a vein to get so big. Must. Resist. Urge. To. Poke.
"Is that thing gonna pop or something if I poke it?" I asked her childishly, which seemed to make it grow even more. Since she decided not to answer my question, I decided to get a stick a start poking, but she snatched it and broke it in half. "Hey!"
"Hannah! Stop being so ADD and focus! Where are we?"
"Looks like we're in a forest."
"But how did we get here?"
"You know as well as I do," I said before my stomach started growling like a wild animal, and in perfect unison, two more stomachs began to chime in with the same tune.
"I'm hungry," we all managed to say simultaneously. Erm, well, Sadie whimpered it, but you get the gist. None of us knew exactly how long we had been out cold, but it definitely felt like it was past mealtime. But to our good fortune, Vera's face lit up happily when she discovered what she was holding in her hands: Zack's Pringles container.
Sadie and I moved closer to Vera to inspect the tasty treats that resided in that beautiful container, but when the plastic lid was removed, all three of our faces dropped. There was only one chip left.
"Who gets it?"
"Well, obviously me because I brought it here."
"No way. It is from MY house, so the chip is MY property."
"Yes, so the polite thing to do would be to offer your guest some food."
"Last time I checked, I did not own a huge ass forest, so you are not my guest. My chip."
"The chip would not even be here if it weren't for me! My chip."
"You humans have larger stomachs, so it's MY food."
"Gimme the damn chip!" I demanded and snatched the container out of Vera's hands, which enraged a flaming mad Vera. She attempted to play the K-chan card by staring me down with piercing eyes, but I only returned the favor with my own K-chan glare. Of course, no one can do it like K-chan, so our stares failed to have the same effect, but neither of us was ready to back down. Our eyes locked and we circled each other like we were the two main characters of an old black and white Western. The forest scene fell and the two of us appeared in the Wild West dressed in cowboy garb and armed with pistols.
"This chip ain't big enough for the both of us."
The showdown was about to begin, but Sadie's shrill barking suddenly broke the tension. We turned our heads to look at Sadie, but could not find what she was barking at so ferociously, until we felt a gush of wind hit us and the Pringles container disappeared.
"No," a voice announced somewhere from the shadows, "this is the last chip. The last chip is the most sacred of ALL the chips and is to be consumed by only the most experienced and honorable taster. None of you have earned that privilege, so I alone must uphold the h–"
"Shut-up and give us back our food!" Vera and I screamed, but all we heard was a powerful crunch sound. Then, our thief emerged from the shadows to reveal a very content Choji Akimichi.
"The honor of the chip has been rest–" Choji said but a shoe thrown at his head interrupted his epic speech. "Let's make him pay" were the last words he heard before the three violent bitches attacked. I charged at him from the front and dove at his feet while Vera snuck up from behind and ensnared his arms. I then kicked him where it hurts, so we were granted the opportunity to bring him to his knees and hold him down so Sadie could take care of the rest. Although before the scene got too bloody, our bodies became stiff and we totally lost the ability to move our limbs.
"What the hell is wrong with you troublesome girls?" groaned a frustrated Shikamaru. He, Ino, and Asuma approached us and pulled us off their injured teammate.
"He stole the last of our food!" I pouted to Team Asuma and sent the wounded culprit an icy glare.
"Choji, what did I tell you about upsetting hungry PMS-ing girls?" uttered Asuma and that comment seemed to have piqued Ino's curiosity.
"Not to unless I want to meet my untimely end," Choji recited robotically.
"Very good. Now have a cookie," Asuma said and tossed a cookie at Choji, who easily caught the snack in his mouth. He munched happily on his shuriken-shaped cookie while Vera, Sadie, and I sorrowfully drooled over the food. Saliva trickled down the sides of our mouths and dripped off our chin while that oinker who stole our potato chip was ingesting the cookie.
"Um, hello? Can you release us now?" I asked with a very irritated tone, and Shikamaru deactivated his jutsu. Once the shadow receded, Vera and I helped each other up and Vera scooped Sadie up into her arms.
"I do not see Konoha headbands on either of you. State your names, Village, and purpose for being here," Asuma said nonchalantly.
"I'm Vera," Vera started while petting Sadie lovingly.
"And I'm Hannah. Oh, and this is my dog Sadie," I said and gestured to the dog that was being spoiled by my friend.
"Who are you?" Vera asked. She obviously did not watch the show and when we get back home, I intend to fix that little problem.
"I am Sarutobi Asuma of Konoha and this is my team," Asuma said and gestured to each of his pupils when he called out their names, "Nara Shikamaru, Yamanaka Ino, and Akimichi Choji."
"Nice to meet you. We are from Baltimore. How far away are we exactly?" Vera asked, effectively begetting four very curious and confused faces. We were obviously not in Maryland anymore.
"I've never heard of that Village before. What country is it in?" Shikamaru asked.
"America?" Vera uttered. She was looking pretty scared that she was this far away from home.
"Um, what my friend means to say is we are a long way from home and we don't know where we are or how we got here."
"You are on the border between Konoha and the Fire Country." Asuma answered calmly.
"Where were you from again? Do they all wear such weird clothes or is it just you two?" the blonde anorexic girl asked smugly. I merely smiled childishly and replied by saying, "I don't know. Does everyone in Konoha dress like whores or is that just you?"
Vera giggled and added, "shouldn't you go back to your day job at the brothel, blondie?" The two of us snickered at our comments and the reaction on Ino's face. Apparently, she was not used to people calling out her extremely protective midriff top and mini skirt as sluttish. She glowered over us, pulled out a kunai tucked away in a little pouch strapped to her leg, and came at us while we were still laughing. Neither one of us noticed Ino or her kunai until she released an ear piercing shrill. When then discovered that Sadie had been defending us while we were rapt in our little laughing fit, and bit Ino's nose.
"AAAAH! GET OFF! I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THAT!!!" she screamed on the top of her lungs while trying to shake the angry Cocker Spaniel off, but no luck. Choji, Vera, and I were laughing our asses off, Asuma tried to detach Sadie from Ino's artificial nose, and Shikamaru just rolled his eyes and muttered something about troublesome women.
Thirsty.
That was the only thought that crossed Steven's mind when he had finally awoken from that deep, unperturbed sleep. He remained on the ground and wallowed in the sharp pain that had plagued his throat. It was so dry and sticky that it even hurt just to breath. His lips were so chapped and parched that he could not even feel them anymore.
Finally getting tired of lying down absorbed in dehydration, Steven slowly opened one eye at a time and tried to make out exactly where he was. At first, he could have sworn he saw flashes of the yellow sun, but if the sun was ever really there, it was gone now. Nothing but grey walls surrounded him now, but there was a little window placed on the end of one. Steven lifted his body up and moved towards that little portal to the outside world.
It was raining out there, but there were no doors that could lead him out of this dull colored room. He was still so thirsty and just wanted to go outside and drink. All he could do was stare out the window and watch the rain fall and the "Welcome to Forks, Washington" sign.
Wait…what?
Steven does a double take and the sign is still there. A small smirk then began to crawl upon his face until it evolved into a dangerous looking smile. "OMG! My dream must have finally come true. I'm in Twilight! Wait, if my dream about being in Twilight came true…I must be a vampire, too!"
"I'M A VAMPIRE!" WHOOT!" He screamed, but then was reminded of his dry, scratchy throat. After coming to the conclusion that he was probably craving blood, a girl appeared lying on the floor by his feet. Steven smiled, lifted the girl up, and bit her neck. All that was sounded by the girl was a yelp while he drank the scarlet fluid from her neck.
-Back to reality-
Steven dragged his victim out of a clump of yellow sad and smile sadistically before he bit her neck. No blood was really drawn, but Momo could still feel Steven's teeth, so she wriggled one arm free and pounded her fist into his arm until he oh-so-gently dropped her. Momo stood back up, dusted the sand off her clothes, and screamed as loudly as she could, "OMFG! STEVEN! What the HELL are you doing BITING my –censored– neck?!"
"I'm Edward Cullen, bitch! Stand still so I can bite you," He replied, while still absorbed in a heat-induced fantasy. Before Momo could give Steven another smack, a stampede of rabid fan girls appeared out of nowhere screamed "EDWARD! We love you! Bite me! Bite me!" That mass of Twilight-obsessed readers ran at top speed at Steven and began to rip him to ribbons, which effectively pulled Steven out of his "Cullen-cination." Once he was brought back to reality, he cried out for Momo's help.
"Momo! Help! I am being attacked by crazy fan girls!"
"Sorry, Steven. That's what you get for giving me a freaking hickey," Momo replied while eating a mango she somehow managed to pull out of thin air. She peeled the skin off her favorite food and before she got to sink her teeth into the sweet treat, a huge gust of wind and sand blew her way. A couple of fan girls were blown away from the attack and before they disappeared into the sky with nothing but a PING noise, they screamed "Team Edward's blasting off againnnn!"
Momo and Steven turned to face where the sudden sandstorm came from and saw an irritated blonde girl holding an oversized fan and some weirdo in black Footie Pajamas wearing a bandaged container on his back.
"Can't you girls EVER go home!?" the blonde with five ponytails bellowed treacherously.
Most of the girls look petrified now. They obviously weren't that stupid to not know that crossing this girl's path was not going to end well. But one random fan girl cried out from above the crowd, "not without Edward!"
Steven weakly crawled out of the mob and yelled "I'm not Edward Cullen!" Momo gasped when she saw what those girls had done to him. His clothes were all torn and his figure was bloodied from all the crazies clawing at him like some kind of kitty scratching post.
Momo felt incredibly guilty for not helping him, so yelled over the crowd of fanatical girls, "Edward is over there!" and pointed at the guy wearing a black cat suit and makeup. Apparently, they took the bait because off they went to glomp and attack poor Kankuro. Temari could not help but chuckle at the sight her brother being chased around the desert by Team Edward.
"Is he going to be ok?" Momo guiltily asked the iron fan wielder. Temari nodded confidently and smiled. "Are you kidding? We're Gaara's siblings. We handle fan girls ALL the time."
"Thanks for saving me," muttered the semi-conscious Steven.
"Your friend doesn't look so good. We should get him medical attention." Temari stated and lifted Steven up bridal style. "Suna is not far from here. I'll lead the way."
"But what about him?" Momo gestured at Kankuro, who was still running for his life.
"Oh, he'll be fine. He's from Suna and Suna ninja can handle anything, especially a few fan girls," Temari said with certainty with her back to Kankuro. And during her reassuring speech, Momo only watched Kankuro trip over his own feet and then be trampled by the fan girls. They were closing in on him and Mr. Footie Pajamas began to scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Petrified screams echoed throughout the entire field as the two people and one dog fell from the sky. Their bodies plummeted downwards at an alarming rate and the further they fell, the louder the screams got until three giant crash noises were made and a dirt mushroom cloud emerged from the ground. The mushroom cloud made the air thick with dirt and dust making it difficult for the ones who fell from the sky to breathe. It took a few minutes but the cloud finally faded making the air clean and clear again.
"Oh, my head!" K-chan whined and hesitantly picked her body up and sat down on a boulder. She called for a dog to do the same because she remembered when falling from the sky, the distinct taste of dog hair in her mouth and smell of urine on her blouse. Well, it had better have been a dog that did that.
Like she had thought, Snoopy picked himself up and crawled out of the crater with K-chan.
"Are you ok, boy?" she asked while giving the dog a quick look over. How was it that she and him only came out of that fall with a few aches and scratches? It was almost as if she was part of a cartoon where the character could fall off the edge of a cliff and fall down the nearly bottomless pit without anything more than a few bandages placed on various parts of his or her body. The fall she and Snoopy took was surely fatal.
Suddenly, K-chan heard a groan and a holler. Apparently someone did not make it out unscathed.
"Ouch! It hurts!" Zack cried while laying on his back. Tears streamed down his eyes and his hands clutched his knees tightly in response to the agony he was feeling.
"Zack, what's wrong?" K-chan asked the blubbering boy and he pointed to his derrière. K-chan tentatively turned Zack over and practically fell over from laughing.
"It's stuck!" Zack cried and pointed to the drumstick that had lodged itself halfway up his butt. Snoopy timidly walked over to Zack's problem area and sniffed the drumstick. He looked at it peculiarly, but jump back to K-chan, when Zack started to writhe in searing waves of pain and the stick jigged.
"Shut up!" he yelled loudly at the laughing girl. "She might be as bad as Hannah!" Zack thought while K-chan fell to the ground chuckling. "STOP LAUGHING, STUPID!"
But Zack's voice was raised so loudly, a flock of birds abandoned the trees that stood in the background and one got so scared that a bird bomb crashed on Zack's head. K-chan then laughed so incredibly hard, that her heart stopped and the laughter was finally silence. She had laughed herself to death.
"Finally someone listens to me!" Zack thought and almost smiled at the quietude.
"I think the screaming came from over hear, Orochimaru-sama," stated a silver haired man with large glasses to a pale skinned man with greasy long hair. The two men garbed in flowing black robes plastered in red and white clouds walked over to the crater and saw the dead girl, the tortured boy, and the cowering pooch. "Kabuto, tend to the girl. I will oversee the boy."
"Hai, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto bowed his head to his master and walked over to K-chan.
Orochimaru gracefully approached my poor little brother and smiled. He obliged to end Zack's suffering by pulling out the alleged drumstick…by using his snakelike tongue. He tongue whipped out of his mouth, wrapped tightly around the stick in his ass, and then he pulled. Zack's eyes bulge so widely, they almost fell out of their sockets from the pain of the Michael Jackson wannabe pulling out the drumstick and the fact that he was doing it so willingly with his tongue.
Kabuto rested K-chan on the boulder she was sitting on before and brought his glowing blue hands to her torso. After a few moments of using his chakra to force her heart to restart beating, he pulled his hand away and gave her the chance to do it on her own. K-chan opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Orochimaru trying to "help" Zack, which caused her to die again.
A few seconds after K-chan died a second time, the drumstick flew out of Zack's ass, but Orochimaru caught it with is tongue and returned it back to Zack. "I believe this belongs to you" he said lowly and the boy would only look at the thing in disgust. Orochimaru placed it beside Zack and was about to ask Zack how he got here when the boy started to hyperventilate.
"HOLY MOTHER CRACKERS! IT'S OROCHIMARU!" Zack screamed at his awesome revelation.
Orochimaru smirked contently that Zack recognized him probably from his fame. Zack must have known about his immeasurable power and perhaps he could convince him to come back with him. He could somehow tell that this boy had potential. The oily locked man calmly waited to hear the words Zack was trying to say before speaking.
"O-O-Or-Oro-Orochimaru! A-A-AAAAAAAAHHHHH! YOU ARE GONNA F***ING RAPE ME!"
The upwards curl of Orochimaru's lips sunk from his face immediately and his bony white hands covered Zack's mouth to silence his calls for help.
"FOOL! Do you want the Akatsuki to hear you?"
Zack shook his head "no" vigorously until Orochimaru removed his foul tasting hand from his mouth. "What the hell has he been touching? Wait…I don't want to know." Zack thought and prayed he did not say that out loud.
"Um, aren't you Akatsuki?" Zack asked at gestured to the robes.
"We are undercover." Kabuto replied without taking his eyes off K-chan. He was deeply concentrating on bringing her back to life a second time. "Bitch better not die again." The disgruntled flunky thought. She was using up all his chakra reserves!
"But don't the Akatsuki already know who you two are? What would dress-"
"SILENCE!" Orochimaru demanded and Zack nervously obeyed. "You have no idea how clever these disguises are," he said while twirling a fake mustache Zack did not notice he had on. Oh course, even Zack knew it would not be wise to further argue with the Sannin, so just decided to keep his mouth shut. The last thing he wanted was to end up like–
"Whoa! That was intense!" K-chan exclaimed after coming back to the Land of the Living for the third time. Kabuto looked exhausted now and leaned back again the boulder while K-chan jumped up and down to prove she was ok. She turned to thank her fatigued savior, but when she processed it was Kabuto from the Naruto world, her eyes rolled in the back of her head and she dropped dead once again.
Kabuto growled weakly and was about to help K-chan ONCE AGAIN, but Zack said, "oh just leave her there. She's just a stupid fan girl friend of my sister." Kabuto and Orochimaru shuttered at the mention of fan girls. The Professor, the Akatsuki, the two other Sannin, and even Snake-be-gone failed to strike fear into Orochimaru's heart like fan girls did. Those creatures were far more evil than anything he could even think of doing.
"So, child, I saw you…drop by. What sort of jutsu was that? A teleportation jutsu?" Orochimaru asked curiously.
"Zack. My name is Zack, not 'child.' And I don't know how I got here. All I remember is being at my house eating Pringles and pestering my older sister and her friends, and the next thing I know it, I'm falling from the –censored– sky with my dog and K-chan." Zack said.
"I sense that there is more to your story than you think. I see great potential in you, Zack-kun, and with my help," Orochimaru paused to lick his lips coyly, "you can possess power beyond your wildest dreams."
"I could be a shinobi?" Zack asked enthusiastically. Orochimaru nodded. "Come with me and I can teach you everything you will need to know."
Zack smiled widely at his dream come true and agreed to the snake's offer. He collected his drumsticks and Snoopy and walked off with Orochimaru and Kabuto. Though before they got too far, Kabuto turned to his master and said, "Orochimaru-sama, we should make haste getting back to the base. Sasuke-kun grows impatient for the next training session."
And as if someone cranked the handle to a jack-in-the-box to the very end of the song, K-chan sprang back to life and exclaimed "SASUKE!? TAKE ME WITH YOU!" and ran top speed to the rest of the company. Once she caught up with the boys, K-chan skipped all the way to their destination rapt in thoughts of the Uchiha avenger. Kabuto sighed and Zack could have sworn he was going to recite Shikamaru's famous line. Though Orochimaru was the only one who did not pay much mind to K-chan, because his snaky eyes never left Zack.
Zack noticed the extra attention Orochimaru was giving and mused lowly, "I am gonna get raped tonight. I know it."
I hope you all liked this chapter! I'm really sorry for not making it in time for my deadline, but Internet is sometimes really retarded in my dorm room and refuses to work.
Oh, and I hope the Twilight parody wasn't too weird. I'm not quite sure I like it, but I had the compulsion to just write it. A bunch of my friends are really big into Twilight, so I felt like I had to add that in as a parody. Hee-hee. Twilight fan girls (and fan boys…I don't judge,) please don't kill me!
Lastly, but not leastly, a big thanks to all my readers, especially my reviewers Scarlet Angelz,Kyuubi Dork,andHidan's Little Riku. Thank you guys for reviewing and putting me on your favorites lists. I feel so special! Now Tobi will give you cookies.
Tobi: 'Cause Tobi is a good boy! (Gives Scarlet Angelz, Kyuubi Dork, and Hidan's Little Riku cookies).
So keep reviewing, guys! Reviews really keep me going and help me to get more motivated to write. Suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcome, but flames will be rewarded by being bitch slapped by Orochimaru's freakish, snake tongue.