Boyd
Now, I have a story that'll knock your socks off!
So one time me and Oscar were going to the store and we ran into a creepy old man with a turban. He said to us, "Today we have a sale on fresh fish, but if you want to buy it then you must first pass three trials."
Oscar asked quizzically, "What are the three trials?"
The creepy old guy says, "First you must pass through the deep ravine blindfolded."
"The deep ravine?" said Oscar, but then he put on the most badass face he could muster and said, "Bring it on."
The creepy old guy put a blindfold on Oscar, not that it affected much since Oscar's vision is the only part of him that isn't perfect, but I swear, Oscar walked right through the deep ravine without falling and he maintained perfect balance the entire time.
Then the creepy old guy says, "The next trial is you must win a fight against my son." And all the time, I was thinking, you know, Oscar's the best knight in Crimea, and there's no way some shopkeeper's son could be a threat to him, but then out came his son. And he was HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE! I mean he was almost as big as Mist's butt!
The story was interrupted when Mist smacked Boyd across the face.
"Ow," Boyd protested, "What was that for?"
Mist, offended, said, "Don't pretend you don't know."
AS I WAS SAYING… Oscar was intimidated at first, but he charged in headstrong and struck the son's lance with his own. They fenced for a few minutes and eventually Oscar perspired a little. I was worried about Oscar and I shouted, "It's okay, we don't need the fish anyway!" But Oscar took my protest as a sign of encouragement and hit the son squarely in the belly. I mean, dead center, with the blunt end of his spear.
The creepy old guy was starting to freak out. He stuttered, "Th-the third trial is you must win a battle of wits," and he pulled out a chessboard. And I would be exaggerating if I said that Oscar cleaned the board without losing a single piece—oh, wait, NO I wouldn't!
The creepy old guy then said, "Uh, funny story, you guys, you see, I never had any fresh fish."
Both me and Oscar beat him up.
Oscar protested, "Only you beat him up, Boyd."
Boyd whined, "Aw, ruin the moment why don't you?"