Mia

No offense, boss, but your story was kind of… boring? And the only reason you and Soren liked it was because you were actually there. Now MY story is actually going to be GOOD! So I was wandering alone in the forest one day, when I found an acorn. I picked up the acorn thinking, "I wonder if I run into any rabid squirrels."

And that's right when a GIIIIIIIIIIANT raccoon showed up out of nowhere and growled in my face. He blew chunks of crap from between his teeth and his breath smelled like the outhouse after Boyd just ate Mist's Magical Meatloaf.

I said, "You seriously need to brush your teeth, dude."

The giant raccoon started chasing me. He was really slow. I mean slower than Rhys trying to carry Soren.

Rhys blushed. Ike said, "Well then, I see an obvious solution." Shinon rolled his eyes.

But unfortunately I lost my footing, and I tripped over a root. The raccoon was about to kill me when out of nowhere came a man with a big long sword. He stood six feet four with long lime-green hair. He smiled at me and asked, "Are you okay, young lady?"

I said, "Yeah, I just kind of tripped."

And that's when I knew it was true love!—with his swordplay, I mean. He swung that blade right into the raccoon's head and killed it. Ike's good, but this guy was amazing.

Soren kept rolling his eyes emphatically, hoping that Mia would shut up about how much better this creep was than Ike.

Hey! Soren! Stop that! So anyway, he asked me if I wanted to wander the sands with him, and I said, "No, sorry, but I work alone."

"As do I" was the last thing he said before he like. Literally. Vanished into thin air! I mean, I couldn't even see his footsteps in the dirt. I looked at my reflection in a nearby pond and saw that I had gotten a little bit of blood on my face from when I was attacked by the raccoon. I wiped it off and back I went into the forest. But little did I know that I would run into ANOTHER giant raccoon! This time I took him down literally with my bare hands, and then I was less impressed by the mysterious disappearing man.

The man came back suddenly and said, "You have gained much strength since I last saw you." I screamed.

I said, "You last saw me five minutes ago! And where did you come from? Who the hell are you!?"

He said, "Oh. I must have made a mistake," and disappeared again. Then I saw Heather and Ilyana making out and I was all like, "What the hell?"

Ike groaned.