Disclaimer: We do not own, nor claim to own anything that is from the wonderful imagination of Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: Who's totally pumped for Breaking Dawn tonight/tomorrow?! I know I am. And I know Ben would be, were he in the United States. Haha. I made a wicked awesome shirt to wear to the opening tonight. I can't wait to wear it. :) So, this chapter is our longest chapter yet. It's also my (Allie's) favorite chapter, so far. No joke, this chapter is like my baby. I'm completely in love with it. So without further ado...
What He Would Have Wanted
By: cALLIEfornia BENches
The steady whirling of the wind on my face prevented my mind from being doused with sleep. Not that I expected to fall into a deep slumber regardless of the gust. Scenes and memories reeled in my head like a romantic horror film; the earlier events in Volterra being the most overplayed scene.
We had been traveling for only a few hours and the first light had not dawned over the horizon yet. Every so often, my vision would flutter with the blurring landscape and my eyes would once again have to readjust to the new scenery. But that was the only instinctual ploy my body played on me.
I tried shutting my eyes and feigning sleep. But the darkness of my eyelids rivaled that of the pitch black sky above, and closing my eyes merely provided a screen for the never-ending movie in my mind.
I refused to even blink. My eyes were wide and blind; looking without seeing.
My eyes dimmed under the moonlight and cascading pictures of the trees whizzed past my sight. In this momentary lapse of flashbacks, my head began to clear. But the immense turmoil in my body came back at the force of a freight train on my mind. Instead of a new reel of the past, I was bombarded with my own thoughts screaming at each other.
The droning of earsplitting wants and needs within my head prevented me from even coming close to sleeping. I need his voice. I need his embrace. I need his smell to lather up against me. I need to know I'm safe. I merely only want water. But I couldn't get my lips to form the words to ask for it. I could live with a dry throat. I couldn't live without him.
I lay limply in Esme's arms as she ran through the thick forest. I probably should have held on around her neck as she cradled me to her chest, just to secure my place in her arms, but I didn't care. Part of me wanted to fall and hit the hard ground below us at a death-defying speed; anything that would distract me from the pain that the gaping hole in my chest was providing.
Bella, that's stupid and you know it, my own voice said to me inside my head. The hole opened a little wider when I realized it was no longer Edward's voice that was soothing me when I thought of something dangerous. It was my own. He was gone.
It's not stupid, I argued with myself.
The only thing that will make the ache go away is Edward. Hurting yourself in the process isn't going to get you anywhere. What would Edward think if he could hear your thoughts right now?
Technically, he can never hear my thoughts, I mocked myself. This was getting ridiculous. I was talking myself. In my head, no less. I was going crazy.
"Bella," Esme's voice tore me from my thoughts. I couldn't get myself to acknowledge that I had heard her. She went on anyway, "Bella, please get some sleep. Please. Your body is tired. And with good reason; you've had a long day."
I nearly scoffed out loud. That was putting it mildly. Let's see her lose Carlisle and try to relax. Then she can talk to me about sleeping.
That was low, Bella. You know you wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
I immediately felt guilty for my thoughts. It wasn't Esme's fault Edward was gone. It was my own. If I should be mad at anyone, it should be myself. There was no need for me to be hostile towards her. She just lost a son today. This had to be tough on her.
Extremely, I reminded myself, Don't forget that the reason she's a vampire is because she lost a child.
I mentally slapped myself on the wrist. It didn't even occur to me that this might be haunting her as well. I had no right to get angry when she was just trying to be considerate.
"Bella, can you hear me?" she asked. I kept my eyes anywhere but hers, afraid she would see right through them and feel disgusted by me. "Sleep, Bella. It's what he would have wanted."
I cringed inwardly when she brought him up. I knew he would be asking the exact same thing of me if he were here.
But he's not.
Humor me. His familiar phrase rocketed through my brain, even though it had been said in my own voice. That only made it hurt that much more. But I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, no matter how much my body wanted it. I lacked the will power to subject my body to such horrors.
The next few hours were a blur; all I remembered was an airport, staring out the window as a flight attendant pushed a bag of peanuts in my face, and Alice, who had been sitting next to me, telling her I was tired. Next thing I knew we had landed somewhere else—it had to have been somewhat near to Italy, because the flight wasn't as long as it should have been if we had been headed back to Port Angeles.
Next thing I knew I was being cradled in Esme's arms again as we ran off into a dense forest, just as the moon made it's descent toward the horizon. When we were fully submerged in the darkness that the cluttered trees would provide, we slowed. Dawn would soon approach, yet it was still dark. It was always the darkest before dawn.
I was vaguely aware of soft voices talking around me, but I didn't hear what they were saying until Esme leaned down and whispered in my ear, "We're here, Bella. We're in London."
My body became rigid as I realized we had already traveled such a great distance. Slowly, I uncurled myself from the huddled stance I had been in while in Esme's arms. I could already feel the soreness and the tense spasms of my muscles. I should have stretched more. Carefully, so as to not create more pain in my shoulder, I craned my neck over the crook of my carrier's arms and looked into the dark horizon.
Carlisle and Alice were perched ahead of Esme and I. But what astounded me was the bright skyline of London. Lights flashed and moving objects shined small dots in my view. The city was always in motion. As never-ending as it was timeless and beautiful. Just thinking such thoughts had me drifting back to Edward; more timeless and beautiful than London could ever be. And little to no one could understand this meaning of never-ending. At least, that was before the incident at Volterra.
The water surrounding the view held onto the lights gleaming off the huge towers. There, it greedily lit up the harbor with the shared illumination. The shimmer gave way to the numerous boats, yachts, and other marine vessels.
Ding
My eyes quickly darted left and right across the view for the sound until I caught on to the noise. Big Ben, the old monolith of a clock, and the symbol of the metropolis, began chiming. 4:00. It had only been seven hours since we had departed from the murky cave, and yet I seemed to be wallowing in my misery for a little over eternity. A numbing chill shot through my head and simmered to my legs as I realized that I would suffer this gloom until I lay on my deathbed.
I finally understood Edward's predicament; he was indeed damned. Damned to infinity of lackluster sunsets, an eternity of high school (I gulped at the thought), an endless enduring of nights and days. They were all compressed together into one giant ball of grief and pain.
My weary eyes scanned the scope of anything I might have missed while dwelling in my mind. Nothing. Just as the sunset had dulled back at the cave, the luminescent moon shone with the feeblest radiance and the busy lights of London annoyed the senses rather than rewarded it.
I had always wanted to visit London; ride the double-decker red buses, experience Buckingham Palace, and perhaps purchase a few books for my excuse of a collection.
But now I scowled at myself for even imagining the prospect of venturing into the city. It seemed too loud, even from afar. And it was in the wee hours of the morning! There were too many people to notice me gnawing at my insides. And there was certainly no Edward waiting for me at the city's entrance. Three strikes, London. You're out.
Esme had given me the notion that there was actually something to see when she woke me up from my deep, depressed slumber of sorts. All there seemed to be now was an incessant ringing from the clock perched high above the buildings.
"How is she?" Alice's voice asked. I noticed now that at some point I had been set down and heaped against a tree.
"Not well," Esme said. "She hasn't said a word since we left. She refuses to sleep. I don't even know if she hears me when I'm talking to her. I don't even know if our Bella's in there anymore."
"I think our Bella left herself in Volterra," Alice said. "Emotionally, at least. She'd probably have stayed physically if we hadn't forced her to come with us." She clucked her tongue. If I hadn't known any better, I'd bet she was shaking her head at me as well. I didn't tear my gaze away from the city of London to check.
Stop pitying me! I tried to shout to the two of them. But nothing came out; my mouth didn't even open a fraction of an inch. I don't want your pity. I don't want your comfort. I want to be alone.
I felt the leaves next to me shift and used all of my will power to get myself to shift my gaze to see what it was. Carlisle had sat down next to me, the side of his arm touching my sling. One glance at his face told me he was as vacant of emotions as Esme and Alice claimed I was.
I wonder if his emotions were left back in Volterra, too. I hope they're watching over my own, wherever they are.
My muscles decided then that they didn't want to hold me up any longer, and I collapsed my body so it was fully leaning against Carlisle's, my head on his shoulder. This somehow provided a miniscule amount of comfort. Enough comfort that I attempted to close my eyes again.
"Bella," Esme said. My eyes snapped open and started watering, aching for the moisture of my eyelids. I was pretty sure that was the first time I had blinked since I woke up in the cave. "We need to explain to you the plan."
I blankly stared at her.
"You and Carlisle are going to get on one plane—one to Seattle. And then—"
"Esme?" Alice asked.
Esme looked behind her at the short pixie.
"Do you really think it's a good idea to put those two together? I'm not sure either of them can function without someone helping them."
"I function fine," Carlisle spat from beside me. I could feel his voice vibrating from where my head lay.
Alice ignored him. "I think you should go with Bella," she said to Esme, "and I'll go with Carlisle. You've got the motherly touch I think she needs right now."
Esme beamed at her for the compliment, the current situation pushed aside for a small moment. She quickly shook her head once, as if to clear her thoughts, then nodded at Alice. "Yes, I think you're right. That's a much better idea." She turned to me. "You and I are going to take a plane to Seattle. From there, we're going to take another plane to Juneau, and then run to Denali. Okay?" She waited half a beat for my response before giving up. She sighed, frowned, and straightened herself so she was standing.
Alice stepped forward and knelt down in front of me. "In order to confuse and divert the Volturi as much as possible, Carlisle and I are going to take a different set of flights. Airports are always busy and bustling with human scents. They won't know which airplane we got on, especially if there are two scents leading in two different directions. It'll be enough to confuse the Volturi, if only temporarily.
"Carlisle and I are going to take a flight from London to New York City, then to Juneau and Denali. Our flight will be a little longer, so we're going to meet you guys there, as are Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper. They're going to bring some clothes and necessities for everyone," she added, nodding towards both Carlisle and Esme. "I think that's all?"
Esme nodded curtly. "That's all she needs to know. For now, at least. The Denali coven knows we're coming, right?"
"Yes," Alice said, "I called them in the cave before you guys got here. They're expecting all six vampires and Bella."
And Bella, the thought echoed throughout my head, bouncing and reverberating off the walls like someone threw a rubber ball into an empty, spherical room.
A silence stretched taut through the area, and I wondered if I was the only one that felt it. It was the kind of silence that wasn't comfortable, but wasn't necessarily uncomfortable either. It was the kind that made you want to scream and shout and yell and do anything to break it, because it just didn't feel right. Both Alice and Esme were gazing at the ground beneath them and I was positive I wasn't the only one holding my breath.
A slight breeze was the one to break the silence when the rest of us refused. It quietly rustled the leaves and dirt on the ground.
Alice finally spoke. "You think she'll be okay?"
"With time, sweetie. With time."
NO! I wanted to shout. No, I won't. Time is a poor excuse for people to use to try make things go away. Edward's already gone. Time won't solve anything this time... My chest constricted and I had the sudden urge to rip off the watch that was sitting lazily on my left wrist.
I attempted to take a deep breath to soothe my newfound anger.
I had only mildly succeeded when Esme leaned down and quietly whispered to me, "We must get going if we're to catch the Red Eye to Seattle." I blinked in acknowledgement, whether she understood the signal or not.
She picked me up and cradled me into her arms, my bad shoulder resting against her chest and automatically relieving a slight amount of pain I had either forgotten about or gotten used to.
It was a short and silent run to the Intercontinental airport. I could immediately tell when we arrived, simply by the wall of noise I was struck with as soon as the automatic doors opened for us.
I could only imagine what we looked like; three insanely beautiful people—one of which carrying a girl with a sling made from a shirt like a groom would carry his bride across the threshold—looking tired and forlorn, grieving for a reason unbeknownst to the swarms of people surrounding us. The people would stare, wondering how something so beautiful could look so terribly sad, and have a fleeting thought to go and comfort them, but the instincts in the back of their mind telling them it was a bad idea. They would move on.
They'd move on, not knowing that the love of my life, Greek god, Edward Cullen was facing death as we spoke.
I squirmed and writhed at the thought, and Esme mistook this as me struggling to stand on my own, so she set me down. My knees immediately buckled beneath me and both Alice and Esme slung their arms around my shoulders in an attempt to hold me up. Alice nodded once to Esme and she reluctantly let go and dragged Carlisle in line to get tickets for them both.
Alice helped me walk over to a waiting area and sat me down on an uncomfortable, worn and torn leather seat. My back protested at the lack of comfort, but was quickly shut down by the rest of my body.
"Bella," she said, running one of her cold, marble hands up and down my arm in what she assumed was a comforting gesture, but in reality was just making me cold. I shivered and she snatched her hand back. "Bella, it'll be alright," she said. I should have felt better, hearing this statement from a psychic, but the tone of her voice was shaky and sounded as if she was trying to convince herself of the same thing.
You need water. Ask Alice for something to drink, I told myself. I managed to get my mouth open slightly, but when I tried to speak, nothing came out. I closed my mouth and swallowed, then tried again. Nothing.
I can't do it. I can't force myself to get something else when all I want is Edward, I thought. It's like at Christmas, when you really want a new car, and so you're afraid to ask for that CD you've been eyeing, in fear that you might actually get aforementioned CD and less effort would be put into getting you that shiny new car.
I want that car, and I don't want anyone to get distracted in mean time.
My eyes closed as I tried to rush these thoughts out of my mind. I opened them not a second later when Edward's face popped into my head. That's it, I thought, No more closing my eyes.
A second later, Carlisle and Esme showed up with little strips of paper in their hands.
"You think you can walk on your own, Bella?"
I don't know.
Alice supported me under my shoulders while Esme pulled my good hand so I could stand. I wobbled for a few minutes before steadying myself enough to stand on my own. Alice nudged the back of my right thigh so I could take a step forward. I did so, somewhat unsteadily, but I managed.
I took another step forward without falling. I felt like a toddler taking their first steps, surrounded by their family, cheering them on whenever another step was successfully managed.
I had a feeling I looked somewhat drunk in the way I was walking, but I was walking, and I think that relieved Alice and Esme of some explaining that they'd have had to do when we got to security.
We got through the airport and security without any problems and continued to the gate. Esme's and mine came first.
"Have a safe trip," Alice said, hugging me. I couldn't lift my arms to hug her back. "You'll be okay," she whispered into my ear, "I know it. Everything will turn out okay."
I had a hard time believing her.
Carlisle and I exchanged somewhat painful looks as our goodbyes while Alice and Esme gave each other brief hugs. It was painful to watch Esme and Carlisle part. When Esme reached out to hug him, his eyes clamped shut and he buried his face in her neck. It was the first sign of emotion I had seen him show all day, and it nearly brought me to tears.
Love.
It was the only emotion he could show. I lost all hope of getting better. I didn't have the love of my life to portray this emotion to.
Before I was aware of what was happening, the world around me started to spin and someone caught my arm and sat me in the nearest seat. Alice, of course.
"Be good," she said. And then she and Carlisle vanished into the crowd.
Esme hadn't even sat down before the announcer came over the loud speaker and asked for all first class members to please board the plane. Esme grabbed my hand and supported my back as she led me over to the gate and handed the airline workers our tickets, and then through the gate and into the first-class section of the plane.
Of course, I thought sarcastically.
Esme gave me the window seat again and I immediately rested my head against the window staring out onto the dark night outside. It was nearly pitch black outside now.
I don't remember others boarding the plane, the emergency exit demonstration, or take-off, but somehow we were in the air now. A glance around the airplane told me that everyone was asleep. There was the occasional insomniac (or vampire, in Esme's case) that was still awake, but most of the plane was dark with the exception of the lights lighting the aisle.
My head slumped back to the overly-cushioned headrest and stared at the design of the fabric covering the seat in front of me. My eyes followed the pattern in an attempt to entertain myself.
It wasn't working as well as I'd have liked.
"Something to eat or drink?" the flight attendant asked politely to Esme and myself with an overly cheesy smile.
"Two ice waters please, and some peanuts," Esme said. The woman filled up two plastic cups with ice and water and handed one to me with a small purple package and a napkin before handing the same things to Esme.
As soon as the cart and the woman were pushed out of earshot, Esme looked at me. "Bella, sweetie, please eat or drink something," she said, pushing her cup and peanuts over to me.
I concentrated hard on them, my brow furrowing in the process, before reaching and grabbing one of the cups of water. No, no, no, no, no, my voice chanted in my head. Think of Edward. You need Edward more than this water.
As true as that may be, you need water as well, I argued with myself, You can do it. Just a sip...
I picked up the glass, my hand shaking violently. Esme put her own hand on top of my own to slow the shaking and led the water to my mouth. I somehow pried my lips apart and put the cup to them.
As soon as the water hit my tongue, I wanted more. I felt like I had just found an oasis in the middle of the desert, and I couldn't get enough. I gulped down the water as well as a few ice cubes before Esme took it away from me and gave me the second cup. It was gone within a few seconds.
Esme opened a package of peanuts and held them out to me. I eyed them warily.
It was at that moment that I remembered something Edward once said to me. As long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.
I snatched the peanuts from her hands and devoured both packets in a matter of minutes. My stomach growled at the food that it was now trying to digest, having been empty for so long. I couldn't remember the last time I ate.
My head rested back against the headrest and I turned it towards the window, watching the unchanging darkness pass by the window.
"Bella," Esme said quietly, "Now that you've had some food and water, I think we need to talk about a few things."
I turned my head so I was looking at her. I silently started praying that she wouldn't start talking to me about him. I wasn't sure if I could tolerate someone else telling me that I would be okay when, clearly, I wasn't.
She took that as her cue to keep going. "It's about Carlisle." I let go of a breath I didn't know I had been holding. "I really think you two should talk. He's going through a similar amount of pain as you right now. Granted, it's a different kind of pain, but you both loved Edward the most of all of us." My finger twitched when she said his name. She lowered her voice so no eavesdropping passengers could hear her, "You have to understand, Edward and Carlisle have a closer relationship than anyone else in the family. Carlisle was alone for over two hundred years before he changed Edward. He was completely by himself. Can you imagine being alone for two hundred years?
"So when Edward came along, Carlisle savored this relationship. It was the first time he had someone to talk to, to entertain. He was the one that took care of Edward not only during his change, but when he was having a really hard time coping with all the voices in his head.
"I'm sure Edward never told you this story, but Carlisle once told me that Edward had an impossible time adapting to his power. He said about a week after his change, he heard Edward calling out.
"'Make them stop! Get them away! Make them go away!' he had chanted." I shuddered when she told me this. That was too close to what I had been saying earlier that night when we left the cave. It was eerie that the thoughts were so similar. "Carlisle rushed up to his room to see what was happening, and found him curled in a corner, his hands pressed so fiercely to his ears that not even Carlisle could pry them away. If his hands had been around anything else, his newborn strength would have shattered them to dust in a heartbeat. Carlisle spent a full day coaxing his hands from his head, and then an entire week working with him to dull the voices.
"These two have a hundred years together under their belt. Edward knows Carlisle better than even I do. And vice versa. Their bond was stronger than any human's could possibly be." Her use of the past tense didn't escape my notice. "Over a hundred years of friendship. Not even identical twin siblings can be that close.
"Carlisle's best friend is gone. And I'm not sure he knows how to react. There's a part of him that's attached to Edward, and has been for a third of his existence. Now that it's gone, I think he feels like he's headed back to the loneliness that he had before he had Edward."
But he has you. He has the love of his life. How could he feel alone right now? I wanted to voice the words, but I couldn't.
As if she read my mind, she replied, "That's why we all have to be there for him right now. We have to remind him that he's not alone, that he has a family. We're here for him."
I took a deep, shaky breath, the air entering my lungs scraping against the walls of my throat and chest. I cringed, and when my eyes closed, they refused to open again. I'm sure my eyes were beet red from the lack of moisture. I could feel the water rising up to them formed tears that stung. A tear spilled over, but it wasn't because I was crying. It was simply because my eyes were dry.
"Bella, darling, can you try to sleep now?"
No, no, no. I won't sleep until I have my Edward.
But my body had a different opinion. Exhaustion took over and made my eyelids heavier than a lead brick. No matter how hard I tried to open them, they refused. The movie started playing again, and I fought as hard as I could to open my eyes. I felt like I was being subjected to torture. Like I was being held down in chains and forced to watch the death of the one I loved.
Maybe if I fell asleep, the movie would stop. My attempts to open my eyes abruptly stopped and I focused all my efforts on sleep. It didn't take long. Before I knew it, I was in a deep slumber.
Seconds ticked by and my eyes flickered open in an abrupt manner. I knew I couldn't sleep, I told myself. There's just no way I can escape the grief so easily. But I instantly doubted those previous thoughts once my eyes scanned around me.
I was no longer sitting somewhat comfortably in the first-class section of the airplane. I could tell I was still on the plane. Had Esme moved me to a new seat? Where am I? My head swiveled to the left where Esme was supposed to have taken a seat in the plane. But Esme was nowhere to be seen. My arm gripped the armrest tighter and I gasped when I realized I no longer wore the sling and that my arm bore no marks of injury. A miracle? All there was were empty cabin seats, and me. I was all alone.
I shouldn't have slept. Where is everybody? Did Esme leave me? Am I that much of a hassle?
Of course I was. In anger and self-loathing, I had banished the comforting presence the Cullen's had tried to bestow upon me. With Edward gone, I was nothing but a pest. A distraction.
Before I could register another thought, my arms became cuffed into the armrests at my sides and the plane, floor, and all the seats except my own disappeared into an evident darkness. Latched onto the seat, only fear registered through my eyes until I found my voice.
"HELP ME!" I screamed. But my voice quivered with my obvious fear and the noise I tried to create from my parched throat traveled nowhere. I must be dreaming, I must be dreaming. I continued to chant reassurances in my head. But I only half-believed it; So much had happened in my life, and in the past day or two. I would have believed anything.
Suddenly, an odd sense of calm rushed over my body. What a familiar feeling, I thought. This relaxation felt forced however, and my head viciously began fighting with overwhelming tranquility exerted upon me.
Jasper? I questioned. But a glance around me told me I was still alone.
Before I could begin to protest, however, my mind too began to numb. I was vaguely aware of my rebellion. It seemed as if my entirety gave itself up. I need this. I haven't felt this relaxed since…
Almost upon thought, a flash of bronze whirled past me, followed by an overwhelming scent. My mouth watered at the smell, and my eyes watered from the electric color bustling through my view.
As if an anesthetic coursed through my veins, I felt the odd sense of calm once again. I was simply putty in the chair. Nothing more.
Shades of orange and bronze skipped past my eyes, dancing in the darkness and fiddling with my mind. Screams and shouts echoed off the invisible walls in the shadows, and the occasional arms or legs flew feet from me. A hand shot past me. A cold, marbled stone, white hand brushed inches from my face.
There was that scent again. But my dizzy mind couldn't put two and two together. So many images and so many colors continued to play with my mind, but none of it made sense.
Another earsplitting scream bounced off the walls and into my head, and the hand that had grazed me fell to the floor with a pronounced thud. My eyes couldn't move away from the detached limb feet away from me at the base of the chair. I sat there with wide eyes, mesmerized and in shock.
A whirl of orange hair jolted toward me. My body instantly cowered within my restraining chair, slumping back as far as the recliner would go. I couldn't escape.
A whimper fell out of my mouth and a haughty laugh boomed out of the orange ball.
Slowly, the ball lowered toward the struggling hand, which had now turned to a brownish tinge. The hair instantly turned to a heating fire, landing dead on atop the hand. The most anguish scream of all filled my head and shivered through my arms. I shut my eyes in an attempt to silence the yelp.
And it stopped.
What was that? Why has it stopped? I couldn't stop shaking.
I opened a sliver of my closed eyes to survey the scene in front of me. The hand and ball of fire was nowhere to be seen. A gush of relief left me and I used my shoulder to wipe the sweat off my brow. All was well. It was over. I could relax and there would be no more orange flames and no more dancing colors.
But I was still left in the darkness and the cuffs to the chair hadn't been released. My torturer was gone and dead; but he had the keys to my freedom. I sat there for what seemed like hours. For the first time, my mind drew a blank This is quite refreshing. I have a clean slate for a mind. No more screams and no more colors. I tapped my foot earnestly awaiting my release.
Off to the corner of my eye, a glint of golden yellow shined despite the absence of light. I swiveled myself ever so carefully toward the shimmering color. How curious; the bright glow belonged to a thin, silk-like line.
It is so pretty. For such a small thing, there is such a vibrant glow.
The blazing string slowly floated toward me, stopping just in front of my face. My breath hitched and my eyes focused on the object ahead of me. The blinding golden yellow color of the string had me squinting to properly see.
I sat there mesmerized by the sheer simplistic beauty of the small string. Out of all the previous images during my time in the darkness, this small line of thread captivated my attention the most. There was something familiar about its glow, like a life or a person I once knew.
It was so beautiful. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Not that I wanted to; it dazzled me to no end.
A silver flash glided through the darkness. I didn't realize what it was until it got close enough to the golden thread. A gleaming, clean pair of scissors suspended by the darkness approached the silk, cautious of any movement to scare away the string.
If I hadn't been holding my breath from the beauty of the glow, I was definitely not breathing by now. No. Don't cut it. Don't cut the only beautiful thing I have. It's mine! Almost on cue, the scissors defied my internal woes and inched their sturdy, sharp teeth-like clippers toward the soft thread.
I never realized I could withhold my lungs of air for so long as the jaws of the machine soared to the feathered string. The scissors had a mind of its own and chomped at the air like a predator warming up its teeth for the kill. One final swivel of the edges and the scissors opened its mouth. A quick jab toward the silk and the weak fiber was caught in its grasp. A high shrill erupted the silence of the darkness around.
I was screaming and desperately shoving my hands against the chains that had held me captive all this time. I couldn't let this string die. I couldn't let the light fade. I had to somehow save it, even though there wasn't possibly anyway to do that. I didn't know why I had to save this meek strand from the pieces it would soon become; I just had to.
Through my tear-blurred vision I saw the silver chomp across the thin line of gold.
NO!
I let my head fall against my chest and I heaved deep dry sobs as they wracked my body of what little energy I had left. It was gone; the thread was gone. I had no reason to weep for the small line of thread. But I had nothing else to weep for. My mind drew on a blank when I tried to think. The only thoughts were of the yellow strand. It just didn't make any sense.
A loud clang took me out of my thoughts and my cries.
At my feet lay the scissors. The once sturdy handle was now rusted and aged. The silver gleam that once parted my attention became dull and unattractive. Where the jaws of death once stood, a large metal clump of twisted limbs lay. The scissors were beyond repair.
The gold shimmer returned to my eyes and I swiftly shot my head up.
The glow of a still intact strand of gold never looked so bright and enchanting. I was at awe; a David and Goliath of events had just happened. Immediate happiness and relief filled me and a smile crept up at the sides of my face. I winced; it had been a long time since I last grinned and the sudden use of dormant muscles stung my face.
My smile got bigger. And with it came a droopiness of the eyelids and a yawn that escaped my mouth. Slumber took over my body and I felt the cuffs of the chair release its hold on me.
A new darkness filled my void, a warmer black, if best to describe it. And I was happy. The string had survived. All was well.
A snapping of scissors brought me back to reality.
"NO! DON'T LET THEM CUT IT!" I shouted out loud. Someone was trying to hold me down. I thrashed against them. "LET GO OF ME! I HAVE TO STOP THEM FROM CUTTING IT!"
"Bella, shhh, Bella wake up, it's okay, it was only a dream. You're okay. You're safe," a soothing voice cooed.
"Stop!" My body was weak, and no match for whatever was holding me down. My muscles protested when I tried to fight more. "Let go," I said weakly.
"Bella, Bella," the voice chanted, "Shhh, sweetheart. You were having a nightmare. Open your eyes."
I blinked furiously, trying to get my eyes to stay open. They fluttered a while before finally opening and settling on Esme. A confused look covered my face as I looked around me. Where am I?
I took in the scenery around me. There were people, lots of people. Most of which were asleep, but those that weren't were staring at me. There was an older woman in a blue uniform and a ridiculous hat knelt down in front of the seat where I was sitting on Esme's lap. She was a flight attendant.
Oh. I was on a plane.
"Is she going to be alright?" the woman asked.
"You wouldn't believe the day she's had," Esme explained. "Pretty brutal. She just needs to be comforted for a while. She has really vivid dreams."
The woman muttered something that sounded like "I could tell," before standing and walking away.
"Esme," I croaked. I hardly recognized the weak and hoarse voice that escaped from my lips. "Esme, I want Edward. Where is he?"
Esme closed her eyes and looked as if to be having an internal battle with herself. "He's not here, sweetie."
"Where is he? I want Edward. I need Edward." I didn't care about anything else right now. I wanted Edward to hold me and tell me that I was going to be okay. I wanted him to tell me that everything would be fine.
"He's in Volterra, remember?"
"No," I said, "No, you said I was having a nightmare. That was a nightmare. Edward's okay. Where is he? I want Edward." How could she tell me he was gone? Did she witness the dream I had? It was horrible.
In the dream there was a clock tower and a scorching sun that had burned my neck. There were people everywhere, crowding the small square. And I had been running. Running so fast and then I fell and—I cringed. My shoulder. A glance down at it told me that it was wrapped in Carlisle's shirt. That's okay, though. I fall all the time. I'm sure I just hurt it doing something else. And then those eyes. Those beautiful amber eyes, filled with a sadness that no creature as beautiful as him should ever experience.
That was a dream. Even Esme said so.
Esme spoke quietly. "I'm sorry, Bella. You didn't dream that part." I thought Edward was the one that could read minds?
I shook my head stubbornly and climbed off Esme's lap and into my own seat. "No," I said, "Because that would mean...," I trailed off, clicking two and two together. I shook my head.
Then what was real? I mentally went over the dream in my head. I remembered fire. That part had to have been a dream, considering this plane was still in the air and everyone was calm. And the hand? I glanced down at my own appendages and realized they were both attached.
And then there was the string.
I gasped out loud and quickly turned to Esme. "Did they cut it?"
"Cut what, dear?" she asked. She was looking at me like I was somewhat crazy. I didn't care, I had to know if the string was cut.
"They... no... they couldn't cut it. It wouldn't cut," I muttered, thinking out loud.
"What wouldn't cut?"
I shook my head and ignored her question. "We have to go back," I said.
"What?" she looked confused, "Where?"
"Volterra. Please. We have to go back. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to Edward. I just... I want my Edward back. I just want to go back, get him, and come home. Please? We can just get another flight; it's not like you can't afford it. Please, Esme. It's all I'm asking. I just want to see him, if only for the last time. I didn't—" I choked up and cut myself off, "I didn't even get to say goodbye to him or tell him that I love him, Esme. I don't know if I can live with that."
Esme's eyes were filled to the brim with tears she couldn't cry, and she looked away from me. "I'm sorry, Bella. It's just not possible."
"How is it not possible?!" I said, my voice starting to rise.
"Bella, please, calm down. We can't go back. The Volturi is looking for us. If we go back, we won't leave Italy ever again." She was staring at her hands now, folded in her lap.
"Esme," I said. I noticed now something warm streaming down my cheeks. I had no idea how long I had been crying. "Esme, please! I'm begging you. Edward means more to me than anyone on this planet."
She shook her head and didn't look up from her lap. And with that, I fell back into my zombie-like stage, completely defeated. I tore my eyes from her and sat back on my seat with a huff. I didn't even attempt to stop the tears from falling or the sobs that were rocking my body.
Why do I have to keep reliving that scene? It only hurts more each time I see it, knowing it was completely my fault. And now Esme won't even look at me. I'm ruining everything.
Suddenly something from my dream flashed in my mind; when I was alone on the plane, sitting in a seat all by myself. That's certainly how I felt now. No one could comfort me now. And the only man that could was stuck in Volterra, and was never coming home.
I felt so hopelessly alone.
At that moment, I would have given anything, anything in the world to have Edward next to me, holding me. I wasn't sure I could get through this without him.
You're going to have to, I thought. You're going to have to accept the fact that he's gone now, I thought to myself, pulling my legs up onto the seat and wrapping my arms around them, setting my cheek on my knees so I could look out the window.
No, I refuse to believe it. He's Edward. He can get out of anything he wants.
Not this, and you're going to have to face that sooner or later. Preferably sooner, so you can start to help everyone else. It's not fair that you get to mourn and grieve when it was your fault in the first place.
I sighed and stared out the window, willing the plane to travel faster. I wasn't sure how long I had been asleep, but the sun was starting to appear over the horizon, casting a pretty pink shadow over the clouds. I could see land far below us, but I wasn't sure where we were. We couldn't have been far from Seattle.
As if on cue, the pilot came on the overhead speaker. "Please buckle your seatbelts and put your chairs and seats in the upright position as we start to descend to our destination, Seattle, Washington."
My seatbelt wasn't buckled, but I didn't bother. If it really irked them, they could do it themselves. Esme locked my tray upright, her eyes focused on the task at hand, purposely avoiding looking at me.
The plane started to inch downwards and my stomach bit into my throat. I had always hated plane rides, ever since I was a kid. The circumstances now didn't change that. I still dreaded landing as much as always, only now it didn't seem so bad if we crashed. Then maybe I could live in Heaven with Edward. Then I'd be with him.
You need to stop. You can't give up now. The Cullen's need you.
They don't, though, I argued. I'm just a burden to them now. I'm the pesky human that was attached to the clan because of a rebellious son. Now that the son is gone, babysitting Bella will get old fast. They don't have a reason to keep me around anymore.
STOP IT. You know Edward wouldn't approve of the direction of your thoughts right now. You know that.
I could hear the flight attendant speaking to me, telling me to fasten my seatbelt and sit normally, but I ignored her and pretended I didn't hear her. Esme didn't say anything either, when the stewardess looked to her for help. It seemed she had given up on me, too. With good reason.
The announcement came on that all flight attendants needed to take a seat, and she walked away in a huff. I watched as we hovered just beneath the layer of clouds, the city rising up towards us with each passing minute.
I jerked involuntarily as we finally lowered enough to hit the runway. The airplane slowed and pulled into the terminal. When it was declared safe, the door to the plane was opened and all the first-class passengers stood up to grab their carry-on bags that were stored in the overhead bins.
I didn't move.
Eventually, Esme lifted me into her arms again. I was sure that this was difficult for her just because it was walking such a fine line between conspicuous and inconspicuous. A look around the cabin told me, though, that everyone else had left.
Huh, I thought, they left quickly. Or maybe time was just passing by in speeding intervals. I decided not to put much thought into it.
I glanced at Esme and noticed her eyes were everywhere but on my own. A little too quickly for human speed, she started towards the exit. As soon as we were out of prying eyes, she took off at full speed towards Denali.
Part of me wanted to sleep, but I knew sleep would only bring nightmares, and I figured I could do everyone a favor by not having any of those.
I decided to try something else. Maybe, just maybe, if I closed my eyes and focused all my thoughts on the good of our relationship, maybe it would be okay. If I try hard enough, I might be able to focus on the times when he and I were happy.
Closing my eyes, I concentrated all my energy on our first year together. Suddenly, I was in the Forks High lunch room. It was the first time I had ever seen him. I wasn't watching from my point of view, though. I was watching from an outsider's perspective.
I watched myself blatantly ogle him, and then saw Jessica say something to me. My imagination wasn't vivid enough to replay the sound.
As soon as she said that something to me, Edward's focus was no longer on his siblings. He was staring at me, concentrating really hard on something. That something, I knew now, was him trying to read my mind and failing miserably. He looked confused, but immediately snapped his attention to Alice, nodding at something she didn't say.
The scenery around me blurred and changed to a few weeks later at school, Edward and I talking about the conversation I had with Jessica. I was blushing furiously. I could remember this moment as if it was yesterday. It was the first time he told me he had feelings for me. He had said that he cared more for me than I did for him. He was always wrong about that. I didn't think it was possible for one person to love another more than I loved Edward.
More than I love Edward, I corrected myself.
The scenery changed again to our meadow, the day he was going to drive me to Seattle. I couldn't hear anything, but he was saying something to me. I smiled at whatever he said, a dreamy look crossing my eyes. His arm was in my hand and I was tracing the purposeless veins that lead all the way up his arms. My eyes were trained on his spectacular, sparkling skin.
His beautiful eyes were closed, but I could remember vividly how topaz they were. He had just hunted earlier that morning in an attempt to resist the bloodlust he faced whenever he was around me.
It changed to a few moments later in that day, and his first attempt at kissing me. He hesitated a moment before fully pressing his lips to my own. I had completely attacked him. Looking at it now, I could see how ridiculous I looked when I attacked him that way.
Another blur had me watching as I curled myself into Edward's embrace in the rocking chair. My face was buried in his neck as I mumbled something to him. I didn't need sound to know exactly what I had said.
I love you, I had told him.
He had replied deftly, You are my life now.
Everything changed again to a brief memory that probably wouldn't have meant a lot to Edward, but meant the world to me. The first time he verbally admitted that he loved me. We were standing outside the baseball field, and I had been angry at him for laughing at me when I had fallen off his back. But he had told me he loved me in such a casual way, almost like it was completely normal. Completely normal for a vampire to fall in love with a human.
The thought still made my heart flutter.
A final blur showed him and me in the hospital. He was leaning over my bed, talking to me. He kissed me once and then laughed as we both watched the heart monitor—my heart monitor—jump and stop.
The effect he had on me was crazy. And he would still have that effect, were he the one carrying me right now. But he wasn't.
My focus was no longer fully set on the good memories, and instead of trying to fight it, I just opened my eyes and watched the scenery pass by. If I had been fully conscious, I would have realized how cold I was, and how being in Esme's arms wasn't helping me. I also would have realized how violently I was shivering, chattering my teeth and provoking aching waves of pain from my shoulder, which didn't like being jerked around.
But right now, my attention was focused completely on Edward. I missed him so much. I wasn't sure how I was going to live without that sporadic heart beat anymore. I was pretty sure my heart didn't beat at all nowadays.
The ache in my chest throbbed, as if to remind me that he was gone.
I know, I thought, I'm completely aware of his absence.
I wasn't sure how I could get by without that unconditional love that he served to me, practically on a platter.
You were always my life, I thought, directing all my emotions towards him. I don't know what to do anymore, now that you aren't here.
You try to live. And you wait for me.
Shock registered all throughout my body at hearing his voice. I tensed and clung to these words, not knowing when or if I would ever hear them again. Whether he had simply been remaining dormant in my mind, or if it was merely a one time thing was beyond me.
Edward! I cried.
But only silence followed. It was gone. He was gone. The world around me started spinning, and it wasn't because of Esme's running. I felt as though I could pass out at a moment's notice.
It was at that moment that Esme chose to slow down.
"We're here, Bella. We're in Denali."
A/N: I know exactly what you're thinking. Wow, cALLIEfornia BENches, I thought you said this was your favorite chapter. It sure seemed like a filler. And to be honest, this chapter was originally intended to be just that. But as things progressed, it turned out to be one of the most vital chapters to this story. There's massive foreshadowing and symbolism—it's really, really subtle, but there's a sentence in here that will give away a pretty vital turning point in the story later on that you wouldn't actually find out the real meaning of until the sequel. (If that makes sense...) Super creds to Ben for his amazing writing skills on that. If you can guess the sentence correctly, you'll get a secret prize. :)
So this is the last chapter for a few weeks, until everyone gets a chance to read Breaking Dawn. But let me tell you, we can't wait to keep going.
Review and you'll get a paragraph or two of Chapter 4! (You've got to be logged in, though, or else we have no way of sending it to you.)
See you in a few weeks!
We love you,
-BENding tALLIEhassee
P.S. Sorry for the insanely long author's note this chapter. They won't always be this long. :)