Disclaimer: We do not own, nor claim to own anything that is from the wonderful imagination of Stephenie Meyer.

A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the long delay. Vacations on both of our parts made it difficult to get chapters written, and then add in some computer malfunctions, the loss of one and a half chapters, and you get some very frustrated authors. Haha. We really didn't plan on being gone this long. However, its 2 AM our time as I'm writing this, and I can happily say that the chapter is finally done. I can truthfully say this chapter has been in the works for about two months now. It's difficult to write fillers. Hah. Also, pardon any small errors. Ben wasn't able to look over my little addition and, as the author of that little part, it's hard for me to find my own mistakes. Haha. Anyway, keep reading at the end for some exciting news. :)

What He Would Have Wanted
By: cALLIEfornia BENches

Esme set me down on impossibly hard dirt, making sure I was completely steady on my feet before letting me go.

My eyes remained closed in anticipation for Edward to reappear. The voice inside my head, that velvet soft voice! But was it real this time? Or was it just a hoax, like last time? His voice reeled inside my head, reverberating off the walls in my skull and echoing with an aching force. Confusion began to build up. This never happened before. He never called out to me unless there was danger.

Am I in danger?

If there was any chance he was still with me, living in my mind, I had to stay alive. I now worked for both of us.

I waited for a new voice once the echoing cleared inside my mind. I stayed hunched with my eyes shut, awaiting something, anything. My thoughts were halted when I heard a small sigh beside me. Esme was patiently waiting for me, I assumed.

I shut off my interest in his voice hesitantly and opened my eyes to a blinding sight.

Snow blanketed the ground every which way I could see. White trees disrupted the hilled horizon of pallid earth, as if pale hands had burst out. The sky appeared just as murky and morose; gray lit the sky so that there was only little light shining the surroundings. Everything about what my eyes had taken in spelled mourn and grief. Tears began to pool around my eyes once again as I began to realize just how much the setting around me reflected my own abysmal and dreary state.

I momentarily shivered through the blazing chill and my breath huffed out in a billow of steam. This cold blanket wasn't what I was used to; it didn't accompany soft words of solace and arms wrapped around my waist. This frost was all too familiar, but the real thing was…

Gone, gone, gone.

I squinted my eyes to the searing plain picture in front of me and looked over at the vampire patiently standing beside me. I regretted that decision.

Esme hadn't had the courage to look me in the eye since the plane ride. I was a bother, a pest, and a depression meant to be shaken off. I could see in her eyes all of the gentle heartache and sorrow she had to deal with in such a short time. Looking at me would remind her off unpleasant memories.

I quickly shielded my face with my matted hair. I've placed this troublesome anchor on everyone. I'm no good. I shouldn't even be alive; that alone is an act against fate. My eyes stung and I hastily brushed the traitorous drops from my face.

Esme shouldn't look at me. My appearance most likely shouted death and a lost love. But the course of action she decided to take resounded the loneliness I felt. In the pit of my chest, the silent erratic ticking slowed down. I'm dying.

"Esme!" someone gushed, suddenly appearing in front of Esme and giving her a tight hug, bringing me out of my saddening haze. Her dark brown hair hung in spirals down to the middle of her back, contrasting with her inhumanly pale skin. I couldn't look at her eyes, even though knew full well they were topaz, just as the Cullens' eyes were. She was, of course, beautiful. She looked as though she had been Latina when she was a human.

"Carmen," Esme said hugging her back. "It's nice to see you again."

"How are you? It seems like it's been ages since we've seen you guys! Of course, we saw Edward for a few months not too long ago, but I've got to tell you, it isn't the same without the whole family," she said with a smile, resting a hand on Esme's shoulder.

Ah, I remembered, cringing only slightly at the memory, Back when he was trying to stay away from me. Before he had any control over his senses.

And then, just as soon as her smile had appeared, it faltered when she realized her mistake in her previous words. Her hand dropped back to her side.

Edward wasn't coming; the whole family wouldn't be here.

"I'm sorry, I've said too much," she whispered, averting her gaze to the cold, hard ground beneath us. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and crossed her arms, clearly uncomfortable.

Good, I thought, Serves her right for bringing him up. The anger that had boiled into my self-hate lashed out in freedom.

"I've certainly been better," Esme said, going on as if Carmen hadn't said anything at all. "Though Bella here has been through the most. This is Edward's mate, as I'm sure you've heard." She gestured to me without looking my way. I kept my eyes on the ground, packing the snow down beneath my shoe until it was a slippery bit of ice.

Carmen looked over to me abruptly, as if just now noticing my presence. She smiled warmly, but it didn't reach her eyes. Her eyes, which I didn't even have to look at to know were filled with pity. I could have lived without her pity. Or anyone's, for that matter.

"So great to finally meet you," she said to me now, "Though I wish it were under more pleasant circumstances this time around." She held out her hand and I ignored it, not even acknowledging the action. I kept my eyes focused on the ground.

"It's been a rough couple of days," Esme said sadly.

Carmen nodded. "I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. We didn't know Edward half as well as you did and the whole coven's been mourning."

He's not dead yet! I wanted to scream. Instead, I watched my feet as they shuffled the snow around. I saw a spider crawling amongst the white, heading towards the side of my left shoe. When it reached it, it paused for a short moment before crawling on top of my shoe and crossing quickly to the other side. It scrambled away and hid underneath a fallen leaf a few yards from us.

I looked back up to Esme and Carmen before I started to listen back in to their conversation.

"I must say, though," Carmen was saying, "Our Tanya's been taking it the hardest. She took a strong liking to him very early on."

A low growl formed in the back of my throat, making a quiet, angry sound.

Mine, I thought, possessively.

Carmen looked at me, certainly surprised I had made any noise at all. She continued, looking at me now, though she was clearly still talking to Esme. "Both Irina and Kate have tried everything they can think of to calm her down, but she's been loudly bawling and complaining for nearly twenty-four hours, now." I glared at her, angry that she seemed to be provoking my already uptight position.

Inwardly, I scoffed. She has no reason to be upset. Edward never gave her a second glance. What does she have to be so upset about? She wasn't the one Edward loved. I was. I am.

Esme, as if sensing my anger, quickly changed the subject. "Well," she said, "Won't you show us where we'll be staying?"

Carmen meekly smiled and gestured her hand in the direction of a snowy path, inclining Esme to take the lead.

In my spite of rage, I hadn't noticed the slight incline of white, puffy trees which sloped down a hill. The trees gave way, as I soon realized, to a discreet valley. My mouth dropped at the sight. It was almost as if the whole valley was another world, and I would gladly lose myself in this other reality.

The closer Esme and Carmen traveled down the hill, the larger a shape erected itself from the valley below. I squinted at the object. A house, seemingly large, perched above the white landscape like a castle above the clouds. I felt Carmen stand still by my side as if gauging my reaction to the frosty winter wonderland.

And to think it was summer.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as we reached a covered driveway to what could only be described as a mansion. The sturdy brick house stood out of the vast expanse like a large red dot on a white map. Its outer décor was surrounded with an assortment of Douglas Firs and various leafless trees, whose branched sticks waved in the sky like trembling bony hands.

There wasn't much to the lawn and front porch. The styling was simple and definitely not eye catching. In fact, the entire house, while in the middle of nowhere and cherry red-tiled in bricks, was in no way flashy. Simple, casual, as invisible as possible. Very vampire…

I shuddered from the cold.

"Let us venture inside before the cold draft freezes you, dear. Strong gusts and the first winter chill is beginning to come in, you know," chided Carmen. I really didn't know what to make of what she said; my thoughts had boxed her out.

Both vampires gracefully flowed toward the front door, with me waddling behind.

As soon as I entered the house and the door shut, a blast of intense heat melded to my body. The blazing warmth was almost unbearable as I managed as quickly as I could to shed myself of my jacket and scarf. Almost immediately, I felt cooler and more relaxed…almost.

My jaw should have made a resounding thunk when it made contact with the wooden-floored ground. But luckily, I merely tripped over my shed scarf and fell to the floorboards with an embarrassing thud. The contact with the floor was a new; I was usually caught before I shared greeting with the earth.

I quickly scurried to myself up and continued to stare at the house in awe as if nothing had happened. I could have sworn I heard a velvet chuckle.

The entire house was unexpected. While the Cullen house was incredibly white and bright, the Denali Coven dealt with darker creamy tones and warm colors. Red and orange lamps lit an enormous hallway and black spiral staircase. Vases of different shapes and colors sat in the entrance's many corners. Ahead, I spotted a large kitchen, accessorized with numerous hooks stacked with many cooking utensils that were probably only bought recently for my visit. Ahead, I spotted a large kitchen, accessorized with numerous hooks stacked with many cooking utensils that were probably only bought recently for my visit.

I felt even warmer just by looking at the furnishings; the bright colors and creamy walls looked like they trapped heat. But no matter how stifling and welcoming the home brought, I still felt so alone. The unfamiliar surroundings only increased my mourn tenfold.

But all the same, I thought silently to myself, I doubt I'd fare well if I was in a familiar place, either. I doubted I'd ever be able to be happy in one place if it was without him.

I could vaguely hear a low hum of conversation between Esme and Carmen, who were no doubt exchanging feelings about the house and the furniture. But as soon as it was thought, the buzzing of talk ceased, and an awkward silence placated the entire kitchen in which we stood.

Esme's lips moved without sound. She was saying something to Carmen.

Damn it, if you have something to say about me, say it to my face.

Her mouth stilled, and as if it was a perfectly choreographed ballet, both women glanced upwards, and then to each other. Carmen's eyes traveled to me, and then back to Esme. I wanted to ask them what was going on, but I couldn't voice my thoughts. I sighed to myself as I leaned against the nearest wall and closed my eyes, exhausted.

"Oh, dear, you must be completely tired," Carmen said.

Duh, I thought, It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that I need sleep.

"Here, here. Come now and I'll show you to your room."

"I'll come too," Esme said. She darted a glance towards Carmen, who nodded. I felt like I was missing out on some serious joke. However, the two started acting completely normal again as we climbed the stairs to the second story and they started chatting absently about the furnishings.

I followed slowly behind them, watching my feet to make sure I didn't trip again. I couldn't take that embarrassment. And now that no one was kind enough to catch me... I gulped and stared at the floor. It seemed to start laughing at me, as if to say "Welcome back, Bells!"

I opened my ears to listen to what Carmen and Esme were talking about, now.

"You see, we chose this color for the walls because it seemed to warm up the entire hallway, don't you think? Not to mention the fact that this deep orange is Eleazar's favorite color, of course." She chuckled, but it sounded forced.

"It really is lovely," I hear Esme say. This, too, sounded forced. Like she was trying too hard to be optimistic when there was nothing but a grim outlook for the current situation. I could sympathize with her, but at least I had stopped trying.

We were going through a long, narrow hall, now. It really was a beautiful place, and had it been any other situation I would have complimented Carmen on her beautiful home. It was how my mother had raised me. But this wasn't any other situation; it was here, and it was reality. And in this reality, my mouth was bolted shut.

As the doors came and went on each side of me, I wondered where Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were, or if they were even here. They would probably be staying behind one of these doors. After all, how many rooms can a house of five have?

Then, with such a jarring impact that I ended up freezing in my tracks and throwing a hand to the wall to steady myself, I realized something. I don't care. I don't care because it doesn't matter, and it doesn't matter because I don't care. It wasn't that I didn't want to care, it was just that I couldn't. My mind refused to focus on any one thing long enough to put any real care and thought into it.

What's happening to me?

I shut my eyes forcefully and rested my head against the wall. The cold of the wall felt good on my now sweltering forehead.

Opening my eyes, I saw that Esme and Carmen had stopped walking about fifteen feet in front of me. Carmen was glancing worriedly my way, as if she feared that any moment I would keel over and die, while Esme was busy admiring—or pretending to admire—a painting of what looked like an Alaskan landscape on the wall.

I summoned up as much strength as I could and pushed myself off the wall towards them. I refuse to faint in front of her. She was almost as bad as Tanya. A sneer invaded my face at the mere thought. Tanya, I thought in disgust. I couldn't believe she had fooled herself into thinking that Edward had even sort of cared for her.

He was mine. He would always be mine. Always.

"Are you going to be okay, Bella?" Carmen asked me, putting what she thought was a comforting hand on my shoulder. I ignored her question and simply stared at her hand for a moment before looking up to her. She quickly removed it and clasped her hands together in front of her, as if to remind herself for later not to touch me.

Good plan.

She cleared her throat, clearly very uncomfortable, and turned to Esme. "Right this way, we have...," she started. I tuned her out and watched the floor pass by under my feet.

I tried as hard as I could to remember what it was like to be happy. I tried to remember the dizzy feeling I got whenever he was near. The tingling feeling from the very top of my head to the tips of my toes. I couldn't.

My brow furrowed in an attempt to reciprocate the feeling, basing it solely on a few of my happiest memories. I thought about the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach the first time he held me, the first time he called me over to his lunch table, our first date... I drifted off. None of this was working. Every time I thought of a happy memory, I had just as much of an unpleasant one to cancel out the feeling.

One part of me would think about how I felt when he held me, and the other part reminded me what it felt like when he let me go. I was reminded of our first date at Bella Italia, just as I was reminded of how angry he had been not a few moments before that very moment.

I couldn't win.

Just as I was giving up, I noticed Carmen and Esme stiffen. It was only a slight movement, but it was enough to catch my attention. They both continued a conversation, but Carmen had stopped to point something along the wall to Esme, though her quick glances toward the other end of the hall hadn't escaped my notice.

The two of them halted their talking for a single moment. A simple pause in the conversation. That was all it took for me to hear it.

It was a quiet noise, one that would have completely escaped my notice had there been any other noise in the house. I listened as hard as I could to try and make out what it was, but to no avail. I couldn't hear it well enough.

My curiosity now piqued, I walked slowly past Esme and Carmen and continued down the hall toward the noise. It grew steadily louder as I got closer. It sounded like some sort of bell. But this was no happy church bell. This was a bell that sounded like it had been mourning. Grieving, for lack of a better word.

I had no idea what would make this type of noise. I crept closer and closer until I was just outside the door of where it was coming from. The sound was choppy and uneven, but a pretty sound, all the same. It was the sound only a vampire could make if it—

"Oh, Tanya," Carmen said. "I told you how broken up she's been over this. It's such a shame."

That was Tanya?! My God, she really was crying. How pathetic.

Carmen passed by me quickly and knocked on the door. "Tanya, dear, how are you doing?"

The sobbing paused only for a moment before it started again at least three notches louder. My eyes widened.

Esme, in a fit of panic, scrambled for words. "Uhm, err, well, Carmen, how about we, uh, show Bella up to her room? I think she'd like that about now. She's had enough excitement for one day." She was trying to fill in the empty air, and I couldn't blame her. Who would want to hear that?

"That sounds like a great idea, Esme. Here, follow me. It's just up here." She opened a door on the other side of the hall which led to another flight of stairs. "You're going to be the only one up here, so it should be nice and private for you," she said.

As I followed her, the stairs creaked beneath me. Even they wanted to cover up that wretched noise. My blood was boiling, and I'm sure it had become more potent in the air. My heartbeat was excruciatingly fast, too. It probably sounded like I was having a sort of heart attack.

At the top of the stairs was a doorway, which Carmen paused at before entering. She turned back to Esme and I. "I'm so sorry you had to witness that," she said. "It's just been so hard for her." With a pointed glance at me, she continued. "You know how it feels. It's just been rough for her. It's a very uncomfortable situation to be in and—"

"You think it's rough for her?!"

My own voice astounded me. It was crackly and hoarse, but it was me nonetheless. Inwardly, I rejoiced. This was the first time I had gotten myself to talk since the plane.

"She has no idea what it's like to be without the one you love. It's not just uncomfortable," I sneered the word, "It feels like you're being ripped apart into tiny little pieces. And as soon as you think the pieces can't be ripped any smaller, someone finds a way to make it happen."

I bit my lip, realizing I shouldn't have said anything. Carmen's mouth was agape, and I had a feeling she was too stunned to say anything. She probably thought I was oblivious to the world around me. But I wouldn't tolerate her comparing Tanya to me.

"O-oh... I—" Carmen stuttered, "I'm so sorry for your loss," she repeated, acting as though I hadn't heard her when she said it outside on the hill. I shook my head at her. She obviously had no idea what needed to be said in this situation.

I pushed my way up the last few steps and shoved by Carmen and into the room that was my own. I barely registered what it looked like. I just led myself over to the bed. I lay vacantly, curled into a ball, and faced the creamy tan ceiling. I had pulled the covers up over my chest, so only my head was exposed. I never realized that now, as soon as I was still, the pain would kick up a few notches. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to make the pain go away. It didn't.

I absently rubbed the area of my chest where my heart used to be. It hurt. I hurt.

I don't know how long I had been laying there when I heard the door open. I didn't acknowledge it.

"Bella? Are you awake?" Alice's voice asked. She paused—listening to my heart beat and breathing, I'm sure—before I felt the bed shift beneath me, signaling that she was sitting there.

I opened my eyes, but didn't look at her.

"Hey," she said softly. From the corner of my eye, I could see that she was sitting with her knees brought up to her chest, hugging them to herself. "I just thought you might want to talk to someone. I know I'm no Edward, but I am your best friend. I'd like to think that that's a close second." She laughed once, dryly. There was no humor in it, though. It wasn't a happy laugh; it was almost just an exhale of air.

Silence consumed the room as she waited for a response that she wasn't going to get.

"Okay," she drawled, "Maybe I can just talk? Maybe that'll make you feel better?" She waited again, but the room was quiet. I couldn't even hear voices from other rooms. We must have been the only ones in the house.

"Listen, I know that you've had it really tough these past few days." Has it really been a few days since that dreadful afternoon in Volterra? The scene flashed in my mind as if on fast-forward. I blinked. "But I really think you should get out of this room. It isn't healthy, Bella. The only thing you've had to eat within the past few days are two packets of airplane peanuts."

I'm not hungry, I thought angrily.

"You refuse to talk to anyone, or even acknowledge their existence most of the time. We don't even know if you're listening to us. It feels like we're talking to a wall," she said somewhat sadly.

Oh, Alice, I thought. I wanted to talk, but my voice wouldn't work again. I didn't want her to feel bad. Alice wasn't meant to be sad. But it seemed that the outburst with Carmen had taken any power of speech that I had.

There was a silence that stretched out for a minute or two before Alice spoke again. "I'm going away for a few days," she said so quietly, I almost wasn't sure she had said anything at all.

No, don't go! I fought with myself to open my mouth, to move, to do something. Anything. I didn't want Alice to go. I wanted her to stay with me.

"I'm leaving with Jasper for a while. Your emotions are too strong for him. He can't—it's hard for him to be around...," she left the sentence hanging, as if she wanted to say something else, but found it was best left how she had said it. "We're just going to get him settled somewhere and then I'll be back for a few days to make sure you're okay. Is that alright?"

No, I thought, selfishly, I want you to stay. Stay here with me.

She can't, I argued, Jasper has to get away. Your pain is too strong for him to handle. Let them go. It's probably best they weren't around you anyway. You just create trouble for everyone.

She took my silence the wrong way and nodded. I couldn't get myself to correct her.

"I just want you to know that, though it may not be as strong as you, we all loved Edward. It's hard for all of us, too."

Love, I corrected her, mentally. He's alive still. She would have told me if she saw anything different, right?

"Like I said, it may not be to the extent you feel it, but we all feel it, too. We all hurt, too. And we're all here for you when you want to talk. We love you, Bella. You're one of us, vampire or not. It hurts us to see you this way. If there's anything we can do, please tell one of us." With that, I felt her peck my cheek and heard the door close behind her.

Great, I thought, Now I'm hurting everyone else, too.

I craned my neck behind me to see a plump pillow beside my head. With the weight of my hand and the world on my shoulders, I heaved the comfortable cushion behind my neck and sighed, taking back my post to staring up toward the beige ceiling.

Almost as if to remind me that I would never be able to truly comfortable, the reel of memories sounded in my head.

Biology class. Him waiting for me at the gym door. The Volvo. The hospital bed and its sanitized stench. His smile. My birthday party. His voice; the motorcycle, the cliff. And on my way here.

I couldn't think more about the velvet flow of words, as my body registered complete and utter exhaustion.

Give in. Just this once.

But before I fell under, thick tears slid down in pools across my cheeks. No sobs heaved me. No sharp cries of grief. Just silence.

Now these, Tanya, are real tears.

A/N: Sorry it was a bit of a filler chapter, but we needed to set up Denali (and Tanya). Chapter 5 will be out next Friday. It's already nearly finished. :) ANYWAY. The amazing news? Well, Ben and I had a long talk about two weeks ago, and we decided that, in order to finish this story ASAP, we're going to start updating twice a week. Tuesdays and Fridays. Yay! Anyway, we want to get this story out of our systems so we can get to the sequel (which we both actually prefer to this story, hahaha) and our new story, which will be out fairly soon. Chapter 1 of that story is already being edited. Anywho, that's all.

Review for a preview of Chapter 5!
Until next week,

-actuALLIE BENevolent