Disclaimer: We do not own, nor claim to own anything that is from the wonderful imagination of Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: I have one thing to say:
Be prepared.
I'm not even joking. Be prepared.
Allie agrees. There's pretty much nothing else to say. Sorry the post is late, but hey. Our time, it's still Tuesday. Haha. So shut up. :) Anyway. Here we go, grab some tissues and chocolate. It'll come in handy. I'll wait... Got it? Okay, good. Let's get started, then.
What He Would Have Wanted
By: cALLIEfornia BENches
The smell of grassy fields and a nearby-sapped tree filled my nostrils as I took in a gasp. My eyes darted open from the darkness of my eyelids, only to be met with the very same shade of black. No matter in which way my pupils darted, no different shade of color greeted me. In one more determined sweep, I glanced around me. But no such luck; it was as if my eyes never even opened. I blinked away the sleepy haze I wasn't too long ago swept up in and looked around; I couldn't see anything. I even held my hand merely inches from my face, and it was as if nothing was there.
I could feel the soft billows of grass underneath me. I could feel the wind brush back my hair, tickling my skin where it had barely touched. I could hear the crickets sound and an owl hoot in the background. But I couldn't see. No matter how tranquil and serene I should be, I was nowhere near it. Something inside me was panicking. Something wasn't right.
I had no idea how I got to this mysterious black plane. One minute ago, I was perched on my bed, counting the ceiling bumps of my room. The next moments were silence. And now this.
What day is it?
Where am I?
My heart raced along with the rhythm of the cricket's chirp. Thoughts escalated throughout my mind, they whizzed past with unnerving speed. But I still sat rigid on the plain of grass. I was so lost. I couldn't even get my shocked muscles to get myself to stand up and try to find some source of light. My heart started beating faster, falling out of time with the cricket.
Calm down.
Slowly, but surely, I let the breeze carry away my panicked moment. And with each gush of wind, there came a silence that punctuated the cloaked surrounding. A brief stillness echoed all around me. I saw nothing, but yet the place was familiar. It was so peaceful.
The entire blind scene felt so surreal, almost like a dreary wake after a long night's rest. While I couldn't understand it, I suddenly felt at peace here. The grass beneath me was silky and satin-like. The breeze smelled heavenly, and while the dark was unnerving, I felt a great respect for not having sight to deter me from this.
I felt better than I did in a long time.
All I could do now, all that I cared to do, was rest and enjoy what little mystery I had. Carefully, I laid down on the plain, and let out a deep sigh.
Where am I?
I was so confused. How exactly did I get here? The curious part of me wanted answers. It wanted to know everything and anything that could happen in this black heaven. She wanted to really see if I could lay here safely, bundled by the warm breeze and barky smell in the air. She didn't believe I could be at ease, find a heartbeat.
But the other part didn't dare want to know. Not knowing anymore was the only bliss I could ever partake in. Being ignorant meant finding very little pain and sadness swimming around in the air. I just wanted to stay here. I wanted to be fixed by this little piece of heaven.
I wanted to laugh because it was right. I wanted to at the same time cry so hard. I wanted a purpose. But for the time being, I just wanted to sit on a plain of grass.
Slowly, but surely, my ignorant side overtook.
For a moment, I was calm. I didn't need to think about anything.
My breath evened out. They were all I could hear. In. Out. In. Out.
My eyes closed to the sound of nearby trees blowing in the warm wind. I could almost hear the soft musings of a piano, with hands gliding skillfully over the keys. I couldn't help but smile.
An unnatural prickly, cold gust of small wind hit my right ear. My insides curled and boiled at the odd contact of wind solely placed on the side of my head. Another blow touched my ear, and I caught a whiff of immensely cold and sweet smells in the air.
It didn't belong to the wind of the forest.
"Whose there?" I scooted nervously from my spot. All peace and serenity vanished and my heart began picking up pace. I knew that smell, what it did to humans. The sweet, almost candy breath was a weapon.
I wasn't alone.
Anxiously, I began to make my way away from where the breath hit me. But deep inside, I knew that whatever happened, I would not be able to escape. It just wasn't physically possible. I knew whoever it was, wasn't Edward. The breath was far too sweet. And I didn't like it.
The Cullens, maybe?
"Hello?"
Silence.
"Stop!" The voice ignited a fire upon my heart, and I jumped in shock and fright. A feral scream pierced the black sky, almost shaking my vision with its high pitch. I flinched from the sound and helplessly began backing up.
I knew that voice. It wasn't friendly.
That voice spoke fire. Fiery orange hair, I could picture. For an instant, I felt the intense heat of her words, almost as hot as the color of her hair. My face burned and my entire body began to heat up with adrenaline I knew would be useless.
My flight or fight response was of no use here. I would lose.
"I'm gonna hurt her like she hurt me," her soft growls crooned right by my ear. Her voice was too calm. It was frightening. I cringed from my spot and the unnerving closeness she was to me. Within the darkness, I fidgeted and circled around, attempting to fend off my captor. To fend off Victoria.
Hurt her. Like she hurt you.
The words didn't make any sense. I was close by. I could feel her hair on whiz past my face, and her words echo by my ear. But they didn't seem directed at me. My heart still whirled in fear and anxiety.
She wasn't talking to me. But what was she saying?
I gasped quietly.
She was going to hurt me like I hurt her. The way I took away her James. I killed her future. I murdered her love.
She was going to kill mine.
Edward.
How did she have Edward? Was he here? Wasn't he in Volterra? He was going to die…
"NO!" My scream pierced the black night with astounding force. I blindly began thrashing my way through the grassy plain I could not see. I had to find him. I didn't care about logic. I didn't dare answer as to why he was here. I needed to save him.
I continued to grab the silky grass by its roots, propelling myself forward toward the last place I heard her screech. Heaving gasps for air filled my lungs and I kept on running.
I fell over a hard surface, down to my knees. My injured shoulder instantly moved, giving way to new screams of terror. I could feel rocks digging into my legs. My broken shoulder ached and throbbed from being moved.
I was in pure hysterics!
WHERE WAS I?
This was a nightmare.
"Please... don't. I beg you," I sobbed. "Don't kill him."
"I have waited so long to end this. It ends here. IT ENDS NOW!" It was as if she couldn't see me! Her venomous words seared in the sky, but none of them were punctuated toward me. I had to follow her words and get to him.
A low moan of pain escaped a pair of guttural lips a distance away. I could tell they were a man's. The groan destroyed my insides.
I desperately clawed myself up, despite the shooting pains in my shoulder. I ran toward the jagged voice. Tripping easily again over rocks, I continued my aching journey to him. To my love.
I was almost there. I could feel it.
But I knew it was useless. What could I do? I was human. I was weak. I had not way to help Edward. I was a burden.
Why isn't he in Volterra?
But before another step could be made, the feral screech echoed across the shadowed plain, and a gush of forced wind sounded.
Oh, no. She was running.
Before I could react, a snap reverberated. The flapping and cawing of wings above sounded, as I could hear birds escaping the loud crack. Loud rips and shreds echoed. A faint fit of screeching and leering followed.
A cackle of laughter ended the battle.
Another groan escaped a pair of lips. Silence.
No.
This isn't the end.
NO!
"Take me, you bitch," I cried.
"It's done. I'm done!"
And with that, another gush of forced breeze whipped my hair, leaving me on my knees. A cackle of laughter filled my ears once more.
I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to.
The impossible happened. It got darker. And I was pushed under the black light.
I awoke with a start, sitting straight up in my bed. The silence was screaming around me; the only sound I could hear was my blood pulsing through my veins. It was so rapid, it couldn't be healthy. Not to mention it was probably attracting the senses of all nine vampires in the house.
My heart.
It ached, so much. So unbearably much. A stab to the chest would have felt better. My hand flew to my chest and clutched at the shirt there. My mind vaguely registered surprise that it wasn't wet and sopping full of blood. A pain like this had to have had some sort of physical remnants. There was no way that that pain could only be on the inside. Nothing had the power to inflict that sort of pain except—I froze. My dream.
But it was too real to be a dream. A premonition? I could feel pain that dreams had never before been the source of. I just knew. The feeling I had was too strong to deny.
He was gone. He was gone for real. And this time, he was never coming back. I sat there, completely dazed and confused, the throb in my chest that I didn't think could get any worse increasing tenfold. I would have doubled over in pain, but I couldn't get my body to do it. It wouldn't move. I couldn't move. For the first time in what felt like years, the voice in my head was as silent as my vocal chords. It was like no part of me could admit that it was real; that he was gone.
But the dream…I was so happy for a moment.
He had to be coming back. He always comes back. He wouldn't leave me like this. He loves—I nearly choked on my own minor thoughts—loved me. No, Edward wouldn't do that to me. He wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't put himself in a stupid situation such as to get himself killed. He knows how much he means to me, and he would think he was being selfish, in typical Edward fashion, and not do something stupid. Wouldn't he?
"Bella," a ghostly voice said quietly. It was only now that I realized that a cold, stone hard arm was wrapped delicately around my shoulders. I didn't have to look to see who it was; the hurt in their voice told me all I needed to know. It was the only person even remotely close to feeling how I had been; Carlisle.
I could hear a wretched tearing sound coming from somewhere in the room, but I merely wrote it off as my chest cavity opening wider.
"Shh, Bella, it's okay, I'm here," he was cooing. I was confused. How could he know something was wrong?
I realized with a start that that horrible ripping noise I heard was me; I was sobbing uncontrollably into Carlisle's chest. I felt horrible for probably ruining his shirt, but I don't think he cared. I think he understood just exactly what had happened; what could make me feel like this.
It was Edward, and he was gone.
I tried to take a few deep breaths, but the air tore and scratched at my throat as if I had just swallowed knives. It was uncomfortable to say the least. But I was being punished; I needed the air.
"He's gone, isn't he?" Carlisle asked, his voice just a whisper of a sound. I couldn't bear responding verbally, so I merely nodded. It was still difficult to believe.
Gone, gone, gone... The sound rang in my head like a broken church bell. I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears spilled over, continuing their journey down my cheeks and toward my jaw, where they were landing softly and expanding within the fabric of my old t-shirt. Carlisle's soothing touch rubbed slowly—even for human standards—up and down my back, doing all he could to calm me in my hysterical state.
With every beat of my heart, every breath I took, the pain increased. It was like every time new blood was pumped into my heart and pushed out again to spread to my body, the pain spread with it until my entire body—every limb, every extremity, every cell—felt as though they were being sliced open by a dull knife. I didn't know how much more I could take.
"It'll be okay," he said. "I know you don't think it'll be possible right now, but with some time the pain will die down. I can't promise it'll go away, but it'll die down. It won't always be this hard to bear."
I sniffled in an attempt to try and start to say something, but even my breath was shaky; it sent a rough tremor throughout my body. My face felt like I had just won a game of Bobbing for Apples at Halloween time, thanks to the tears that were now comfortably falling at an alarming rate. I choked on my sobs, and coughed.
"Shh," he cooed, "I'm here for you, Bella. I'm right here. I promise I'm not going anywhere."
"Thank you," I managed to choke out before I completely collapsed into him. He ran a hand soothingly over my hair, the way only a father could. It was a nice change—Charlie was never very good with tears.
"I know you're hurting. Believe me, I know. You lost your mate. There's nothing worse than that. But if anyone could have any sort of idea of what you're going through, it's me." I blinked in acknowledgement. I knew he was right. He's always right. "I knew him for over a century. He was my very best friend."
His use of the past tense didn't escape my notice, and in turn a few extra tears leaked.
Gone, gone, gone...
"I'm sure that, as of right now, talking is the last thing you want to do, but I think you should know that whenever you are ready, I'll be right here."
I nodded once before closing my eyes.
"Sleep now, Bella."
I shook my head and cleared my throat, flinching only slightly at the pain. "I can't," I spat.
"Why?"
"Nightmares. I get bad nightmares when I try to sleep. Awake is better. Much better," I said to him. My voice was a raspy whisper, one that was hardly audible to human ears, but I knew he wouldn't have any trouble hearing me. To be honest, I was afraid of sleep. The last few times I've tried to sleep, something horrible happened. It was like someone was watching me, and as soon as my eyes closed, they destroyed everyone I loved. This was bound to result in failures, and more of those around me getting hurt.
I couldn't do that to them. I wouldn't do that to them.
Even if I had to fight sleep for the rest of eternity, I refused to shut my eyes for any longer than a simple blink for fear that if I did, I'd lose someone else. No, no, no...
Gone, gone, gone...
"I understand," Carlisle said. "Would you like me to stay?"
I nodded and the silence overtook us as we sat there, father and daughter, mourning the loss of a loved one.
Mourning.
It was such an ugly word. A sad word. A word that couldn't in a million years convey the hurt that was pounding and throbbing through my chest. No, I was doing more than mourning. I wasn't grieving, either. I was merely surviving. And even that was overstated. I was barely surviving. Each breath felt like a chore, each blink took too much muscle, each heart beat was weakening.
I had skipped over the denial of Edward's death. I never would be able to render under acceptance. Grief was where I was destined to stay.
Surviving would definitely be an overstatement. I searched my head for a word that might suffice, but came up empty. No word in the English language had the ability to describe me right now. Then an idea struck me.
"Carlisle?" I asked. Even I could barely hear my own voice.
"Hmm?" He was resting his head back against the wall with this eyes closed. His face was as blank as a fresh, not-yet-carved block of marble.
"Do you think...," I wasn't sure how to start this, "What do you think Edward would have wanted of me, now that he's...," I choked on the word, "...gone?"
He opened his eyes and looked down at me. "In all honesty?" I nodded. I was surprisingly nervous about the answer. I knew what I wanted him to say, but I also know that it wasn't the truth. And Carlisle wouldn't stray from the truth if I asked him to. I took a breath and held it in anticipation of his answer. "I think he would have wanted you to move on."
I scoffed. "Of course he would," I muttered. "He would tell me that, I know. Always so selfless. Never keen enough to understand that it isn't possible—it was never possible." I shook my head slowly from side to side. "What do you think he would really want? Like what do you think he would be all but begging for in his mind but wouldn't dare say aloud? What would he want me to do?"
"He would claim he was selfish in wanting you to never forget him," Carlisle said without missing a beat. "And he would want you to come with him to wherever he goes. But, as selfish as he liked to think he was, I think we both know that he'd never in a million years wish that upon you. He thinks he's going to Hell. He wouldn't want you there."
"They wouldn't let Edward into Hell if he asked them to. He always thought so lowly of himself," I said. The tears had started to slow, now, though my breath was still shaky and uneven. It felt surprisingly good to talk about him. I thought it would hurt. But even though the pain in my chest had dissipated a miniscule amount, I knew the tears were nowhere near over.
Carlisle laughed once. "I think you're right."
We were silent a moment.
Gone, gone, gone...
I broke the silence. "Carlisle..." I hesitated. "Do you think you could... I mean, would you be able to... maybe... change me?"
"Pardon?"
But I knew he heard me. I didn't bother repeating myself.
"Bella, that's a big request. And there's so much to do in order to prepare for it—"
"I don't care," I said, cutting him off. "I just want it done. I don't care about the morphine, I don't want to tell anyone, I don't want to discuss it. It's what I want."
"Bella..."
"No, Carlisle, please." I looked up at him, the tears igniting in my eyes again. "I don't have anything to live for anymore. Nothing. If I go back home, I'll live an empty life in an empty body. Edward wouldn't have wanted that. I don't want to put Charlie through that, either. I don't think he could deal with it. Please, Carlisle, I'm begging you." I was sobbing now, and probably incomprehensible, but it didn't matter. I needed to get out what I wanted to be said. "If you don't do this for me, Carlisle, I swear to you I'll just go jump off another cliff. And this time, I'll make sure there's no water beneath it to break my fall.
"It's all or nothing," I said. "I don't want to live like this. But I know there's no way for me not to. Please. It's all I ask. I'll even get out of everyone's hair and leave as soon as the transformation is complete. I just—I need it. Please."
He was quiet for a few minutes, pondering the thought. "Are you sure?"
"The only thing I've ever been more sure of is my love for Edward."
His jaw clenched as he debated with himself what to do. Finally, after what felt like ages, he met my eyes. "Under one condition."
"Anything."
"You don't leave here until I give you the 'okay'. And even then, it's only if you really want to. You know we would love to have you with us. But it's too dangerous out there by yourself as a newborn. I'd feel horribly guilty if something were to happen to you," he said to me seriously.
I nodded, holding out my hand for him to shake. "Done."
He mirrored my gesture and shook my hand, his touch making me shiver slightly. I let go of him and laid back on the pillows, pulling the covers to my chest to keep warm.
Carlisle bent down and pressed his cold lips on my forehead.
I was to be changed. Just like I always wanted. But now, I needed it for different reasons.
I needed to stop sleeping. And I needed to lose this aching heartbeat.
A/N: Ask questions and review, please. This is a VERY important chapter, and we'll make sure to answer any questions you may have. And yes, to clarify, Bella's dream was a reality. So yes, death occurred. :(
And don't hate. But keep an open mind. Trust us when we say that you haven't seen anything yet: There's still a sequel. And a forewarning… you won't get all the answers UNTIL the sequel. Haha. Yeah, sorry. But if it helps; there won't be any break between the end of this story and the sequel. However, the end of this story won't be for a long time. So no worries.
Review for a preview of Chapter 7. And I swear, if there was one chapter you should review to get a preview of the next one? It's this chapter. The preview of Chapter 7 is going to make you all feel a bit better... but that's all I'll say. :)
And remember: TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US! Lol. And review.
Until Friday,
-cALLIEfornia BENches