Disclaimer: We do not own, nor claim to own anything that is from the wonderful imagination of Stephenie Meyer.
A/N: Don't question anything. Take it for what it is; the writing style seems a little unorthadox in the beginning, but that's how its supposed to be. Enjoy! The rest is at the bottom. Sorry it took so long to get up. But I can happily tell you that Ben was up until 2 last night finishing, and I was up until about 3. But then my computer froze and I was frustrated and tired so I just figured I'd post this morning.
What He Would Have Wanted
By cALLIEfornia BENches
It'd been three weeks since I arrived in Volterra, and I felt like I had been of no more use than I would have been had I been back in Denali. I was constantly being pushed aside and told to get out of the way. I had no power to speak of—or at least none that had been any prevalent over the others—and thusly the Volturi had no need for me. I was merely on the sidelines, watching intently each and every moment of the day, as well as night. In my three weeks here, I began unintentionally to adjust to the way of life.
I still stayed as "vegetarian" as one vampire could possibly be; I didn't dare forget the reason why I chose not to follow the others to the square now and then. It pained me incredibly to see awed and wondering eyes—none red nor topaz—rush through the hall, unaware what lay between the doors.
I adjusted. That didn't mean I liked it; there were many times I thought to save one. Perhaps the little girl clutching her bear, knowing that this wasn't a nice place. Or maybe I could have escorted the teenage boy who walked in nonchalantly with earplugs on to another door, one that didn't lead him to Death.
But I chose not to. What was death, anyway? What was the point of saving them? I was a vampire. A useless, loveless, unloved immortal girl who wasn't meant to save others. I was meant to kill them. I don't know how, but each and every time "feeding" day came, I managed to turn a blind eye. I managed.
I lived life only half. Outside of my room, I was a shell of a pale bloodsucker. I merely observed and memorized faces and names. But there was no one to laugh with and share my sorrows. There were no funny faces here, no small jokes wafting in the air. Pomposity at it's finest; the mood was always strict and demanding. I seemed to be a sore thumb in the place.
I was pretty sure my welcome had been up for about two weeks now, but none were rude enough to tell me off. So I stayed.
Most of my time was spent in my room, basking in the feeling I seemed to only get when I was there. I had been in there so much that my thoughts had had time to sort themselves out. I felt like I was finally thinking clearly.
Today, I sat in my room. There were no ceiling bumps to count, the walls were marble smooth. All I had from before were a few clothes on my back and his picture. I spent hours staring at each eye, each curve of his gentle lips. And every time I memorized his features, I knew I'd never remember, and I'd give myself more reason to delve further into the photo.
BEEP
The alarm softly murmured. I hastily turned off the screeching and shuffled my feet out the door. 4:00. It was time to observe and assimilate into royalty.
The minute I stepped out of my door, I could feel it. Each thud of my feet brought numbness to my legs, which traveled through my body. It was as if I had left my protective bubble, and someone decided to shoot nova cane through my system. I involuntarily shuddered, wondering why each and every time I turned hazy. The sensation was the only thing I had a hard time adjusting to.
After that, the rest was simply a blur. Vampires glided forth, each a different smell than the rest. I didn't bother understanding who was who; I was trying to get used to my numb body, as I did everyday. As with before, colors simply mixed with each other, as did those smells, as did everything.
Blue? Orange? Looks the same to me.
I continued to walk down the corridor, ignoring the spires I gawked at in wonder my first time here. I was used to it all.
I didn't care anymore. I didn't care that I was immortal; the whole concept of forever hindered my outlook on the future. It didn't seem to matter that no one here liked me. Hell, no one alive liked me as far as I was concerned. Edward left, I left Forks, and the Cullens were fed up with me. And in the span of the three weeks that I was here, no matter how unnaturally joyous I was in my room, or tolerated, I learned to hate myself here. I wish I would just leave.
Get out of here! I told myself.
Silence.
I stopped in my tracks when I was hit with tremendous force by the most prominent smells of the Volturi, and my feet led the way to a small office far from where I stood. Soft, but clear mutterings were heard behind the door. Had I actually tried, I might have deciphered what they were actually saying.
"Well what are we going to do about it?" I overheard the voice of Jane saying as I got closer to the door. I usually didn't seem to meddle in troubles. I tried with all my might to move my feet away from the room. But I obviously was never strong enough.
I slowed to a stop just before the doorjamb and leaned my back against the wall, curious as to what they were talking about.
"We can't just go killing things anymore," Aro said, "They'd have to have done something wrong, and they haven't. We just need to get rid of them somehow. And I don't know how."
Someone gasped mockingly. "The Great Aro, at a loss for plans?" Marcus's voice came through with a laugh. Never had I heard such a bored vampire let out a huff of humor.
Aro gave a frustrated sigh. "I have ideas, but don't know how to go through with them, if that makes sense. I know exactly what to do to get them to leave, but I don't know how to get there." I wondered who they were and why the Volturi wanted them gone. I immediately took pity on them. They hadn't done anything wrong, Aro said. Edward had been taken from me and he hadn't done anything wrong, either.
"What do you have planned?" Felix's voice came though.
"If we make them miserable enough, they'll vanish. I just don't know how to make themselves so horribly miserable that they disappear."
It was now I decided to make myself known. I stepped in front of the doorway, alerting them of my presence—if they hadn't already smelled me, that is. Aro cocked an eyebrow in my direction, silently asking what I wanted. Jane sat back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest, glaring at me. I could feel the fury emanating from her slanted eyes. I decided to look away from her and focus on Aro.
"Take something they love," I said timidly.
Marcus's eyebrows furrowed. "Pardon?"
"I'm sorry," I said, taking a step into the room, "I couldn't help but over hear your conversation. And I happen to be an expert at being miserable. I don't know who you're talking about, or what kind of person they are, but if you take away something that they love, it'll ruin them. Always does." They were silent for a moment, simply staring at me. I cleared my throat. "Sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted. I'll go," I said, turning around to leave. What sounded like a cackling laugh of approval sounded from Jane's pursed lips.
"Wait," Aro called out. I froze. "Wait just a moment. What were you saying?"
I took a deep, unnecessary breath as I turned back to face them. Their faces were stone, none of them portraying what they felt. "I never understood what it was like to be unneeded and unwanted until Edward left. Until then, I think I had been showered with adoration. So much so, that it was weird having it gone. It sucked when he left me." I paused, debating whether or not to continue. But their cold stares left me gaping at the air around me, wanting nothing more than to earn their approval.
Taking another step into the room, I continued. "But it's a different feeling entirely to know that he loved me, and that I was never going to see him again. When you guys took him from me, I don't think I ever got over it. I still spend a majority of my time making decisions based on his opinions, even though I know he's not here anymore.
"It's always 'What would Edward do?' or 'What would he have wanted?' I'm tortured with the fact that I'll never know. I won't know what he thinks of my being a vampire, or what he would say to me if he found out I had come here, of all places, to spend eternity. Or at least, eternity for now. It kills me—no pun intended—that I'll never know if he really approves of anything I've ever done.
"That kind of torture—" I looked down at my feet. I knew I shouldn't be suggesting this. I had said many times before that I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, and here I was, telling the Volturi how to torture their victims. But isn't this what I came here for? To finally accept myself as a destroyer? I looked up at them again with a new sense of bravery. "That kind of torture would stop anyone from living, figuratively speaking. It'd be perfect for whatever you guys are planning."
Aro nodded, looking between Marcus, Felix, and Jane.
"You can't be serious," Jane spat.
Aro furrowed his eyebrows.
"She comes in here with some sob story about how we ruined her life, and you're going to sit here and take it? You're going to believe her, just like that?" she argued.
"She has a good point, Jane," Felix said with a shrug of his shoulders. "It's a good way to ruin someone."
Jane fumed, and I'm sure if it had been possible, her face would have been red with anger. She shook her head slowly, casting an evil glare at the three males surrounding her at the table. "I've been suggesting ideas ten times better than this for decades now. How is it that the newborn walks in here with a stupid idea and all the sudden you're all falling at her feet?"
Marcus lifted his shoulders, then dropped them back down. "Maybe you just don't have good ideas."
She made a noise that sounded like a teenage girl whose dad had just told her to go back to her room and change into more decent clothes and proceeded to stomp out of the room, rattling the old building a little.
"Take a seat, Bella."
For the next couple of hours, I talked. I let all my bottled up emotions and feelings out to Aro. I didn't even understand why. I simply just removed the cork holding the flooded gates, and poured out all the contents.
I talked about my love for Edward, making sure I used the right words to describe it.
Beautiful.
Everlasting.
Nullified.
I tired to find the right phrasing to describe the Cullens, how I loved them, and how I left. I strayed away from why, even though Aro seemed highly intrigued. Marcus, who had been in the back of the conversation, kept asking about Edward and I, as if it were the main focal point of the entire confession.
After explaining my woes, I decided to retire back to my room. I bid the two farewell, and closed the door.
Bella, the velvet voice rang. This time, however, the sound was too close for comfort, almost as if it were real. My name was pleaded, not said. And the word echoed through my ear like a funeral tune.
I cruised the halls of the castle, opening every door I could find.
Occasionally, there I walked in on something important. Once I walked in on a feeding—if vampires could puke, I would have been in the bathroom in a flash. It was a disgusting sight, and one I never wanted to see again.
I made my way through the hallways with ease, not worrying about what I was going to discover behind the doors, unless it was Edward. I could have walked in on a couple of vampires going at it, and I wouldn't have minded.
It seemed as though I spoke too soon, though; the next door I opened, I found Marcus and one of the humans sprawled on a bed in a position that I didn't even want to know about. Using the human one last time before she became his dinner. I cringed, and with a quick apology, shut the door again.
Ew.
A shiver went through my body as I finished up that hallway and moved onto the next one. I knew this hallway well; it was the one that contained my room. I could even see it from here. As I neared it, I started feeling happiness seep back into my body like having a hot cocoa after a day in the snow—one of my favorite memories from being a human.
I easily made my way through the doors and found that most were bedrooms. After eliminating my own room, I had limited it down to two. There were two rooms in the entire castle that I had yet to open.
Two doors. And I was drawn to both. The happy and jovial glee finally began creeping through me, electrifying each and every one of the dormant nerves which I had numbed in my adventure outside the room. Now I was caught between which door to open.
Unnatural excitement coursed through my veins.
Bella, he pleaded in my mind. He wanted me to save him.
BUT HE'S DEAD! I screamed. But I wasn't heard; my name continued in a chanting mantra from his voice. Fear and pure adrenaline drowned out all other sounds. I was unable to think rationally, unable to process what would happen if he wasn't behind one of the fellow knobs. All I wanted was to be in his arms. To be coddled forever. To hide in the crook of his neck and breath in, hoping my lungs can take in as much heaven as possible. I wanted a home to go to. I longed to a genuine laugh and a pair of topaz eyes to look at me and finally understand how much I loved him.
I wanted to cry and burst into song at the same time. I never felt so alive in the past year as I did now. And it was because of this.
Two doors.
Realization hit me in two ways; Edward might never be here. Cupid's arrow tore out of my chest at this epiphany. I could be hoping far too much…
I needed to open one of these doors. I had to find out which door held a Greek god and if any brought about Greek tragedies.
I slowly took a step between the two and closed my eyes.
"Time to see what's behind Door Number 1," I said to myself in a shaky breath.
Planting each of my feet carefully, I made for the door to my left. Exhilaration flowed freely through me. I could hear each creak of marble and crunching of the shoes below me. After such a long time of being numb to the world, to life and colors, I began to see clearly again. It was as if I was blind and finally given by God the liberty to see, and all around me were wild, blooming flowers.
I had reached the door, and my shoulders were moving choppily with each haltering breath I took. The possibility of Edward might be behind the door.
The possibility of Life. Happiness. Smiles. Love. Edward.
I turned the knob ever so slowly, cringing slightly at the rusty squeak the handle produced.
Almost there.
I closed my eyes once more and prayed that God was being merciful. That all this suffering was to appreciate what I would receive. Perhaps he answered my cries…
I opened the door, and I was met with darkness; I expected a ray of sun glowing from the room and to hit me.
Black.
I peered into the shadows and called out. "Hello?"
Immediately, I heard shuffling, and the excitement soared my hopes.
"Edward?"
A figure began to come forth. But before I could register who it was, it pounced. And I was covered by a black blanket, muffled, and gripped in a death vice.
The cackling of laughter filled my ears.
Jane.
"How cute," she sneered, "I guess you shouldn't have picked door number one." For the first time, I agreed.
Tears diluted my eyes as I tried unsuccessfully to squirm. It was no use; she was much too strong. No matter how much I fought, she held on with a grip of a steel cage. I was stuck.
I knew I shouldn't have come here. Edward is dead. I'm not wanted. And now I'm here to die.
I should have begun to panic. But I didn't. In fact, I immediately ceased all my squirming and lay limp as I felt her shift me onto her shoulders.
Death didn't seem so bad. I smiled; I would finally see Edward again. I would be able to do all the things I wanted. The joyous feelings were coming back, and I smiled under the covers.
You are crazy, the rational side of me reasoned. I was throwing my life away. I was letting evil prevail. I should be fighting to save myself. That Edward wouldn't have wanted this.
But every other cell in my body protested such nonsense. I was finally happy. There was no life without Edward. I had been dead a long time ago, however unofficial it may be. I was simply a corpse taking up space. Without it, I was free to be loved and to love. Reality was only as tangible as I make it to be.
I saw it as such:
I was dead. I was sure of it. Every sign leaned toward my future ashen body lying on the floor. Lifeless. And this moment in my godforsaken life was easily the most perilous I had ever endured. Greater than the ballet studio that was etched vaguely in my mind.
And yet, it wasn't. I was hunched over her shoulder, gagged, blindfolded, and gripped in a steel-trap vice around my stomach. Each step my captor took led to a tightening of their grasp on me. But it wasn't impossible.
I could get out. I could fight. Even in my state, I could squirm and cause a fuss.
But I didn't see the point.
He was gone. Out of my doorway and out of my sight. All effort to escape my captor's hold was gone. It was gone long ago. It had left with his touch.
I could tell we were rounding a corner. Even my instincts were bidding against me and had counted the steps and turns of my body's journey. I wasn't going to let my mind get caught up this time. I was going to deal with the pain with very ounce of pride left. No tears and screams. Smiles, maybe.
I was going to die. And it was in his name. In their names. Death was going to welcome me with open arms while I looked into his dark face. And behind him would stand and angel brighter than the sun sparkling over his chest. I would be home.
The footsteps stopped, as did my slow and steady fantasy.
"We're here," the voice shrilled. "Death is just beyond the door." With that, I heard a slow creak punctuate the silence. The blindfold flew off of my eyes with a flash.
And I was pushed in. The door closed.
"Thank you," I managed to murmur.
I landed with a thud, cushioning my fall with only my hands. I could have tried to get out, to fight. But I didn't. If I were to die, I was going to die of my own volition. And at least this way, I could be with Edward. It'd be our own happily ever after—one laced with love and happiness.
Though I had thought about the possibility of my own death more than once, it had never been a reality to consider until now. Now I had nothing. I had no family, no friends. The Volturi had taken me for granted. What did I have to live for?
I would be so much happier when she killed me.
"Don't even try to escape," she told me from the doorway, as if she wanted me to want to leave. "The walls are soundproof, and were built to hold vampires. Even newborns. So they can resist any strength. You can't get out."
"Okay," I said simply.
She glared at me before closing the heavy door behind her. The room was pitch-black now. Even with my vampire vision, it was difficult to see much around me. They really must have built this to hold vampires hostage. The ground was made from the same material as the wall—a hard substance that seemed as though it were made of metal and cement.
Had I been human, I probably would have been affected by the eerie room. It seemed to have everything that rooms in scary movies had: a dripping from somewhere in a corner, absolutely no furniture, no windows, no traces of light—nothing.
Absently, I wondered how many had been here before me—if Edward had stayed here, too.
I took a deep breath of the air, attempting to make out a scent I was sure I would recognize upon smelling. What I got instead took me by surprise. There was a potent perfume absorbing the air and changing it into this sweet smell. It was too potent to be the remnants of a past vampire; this was fresh.
There was someone in here with me. And I couldn't see them through the darkness.
"Hello?" I called out.
I heard a mild rustling, and someone took in a sharp gasp of breath.
"Who's there?" I asked, cautiously backing into a corner. I knew it would do me no good and only end up trapping me in a corner, but it was impulse. It was weird that, after accepting my own death, I was now freaking out about some other vampire who had no way to kill me here.
When they didn't respond, I shook my head and sunk to the ground with a light thud. I would leave them be for a while. If it were the last hours of my life, I would spend it reminiscing. Of Edward, of the Cullens, of Charlie...
Oh, Charlie.
I had been gone nearly a year now. I could only imagine how horribly he worried he was. That is, if he even cared anymore. My last few months there, I was no fun. He was probably relieved that this was finally out of his hair.
I closed my eyes and rested my head against the rough wall. I kind of wished I could sleep, but at the same time I knew there would have been no comfortable way to lie down.
I imagined that Edward was there, sitting next to me. If only he were here to hold my hand—or, hell, hold me—everything would be alright. I just knew it. And soon enough, I realized with a sigh, it would be. I hoped they would get this over quickly. I didn't know how much longer I would be able to be brave about this. I didn't think I would chicken out and suddenly want to live, but I guess I never knew.
"I miss you," I said aloud, as if Edward could hear me from here. I had said it so quietly, though, that I doubted the sound carried over to the other vampire in the room; it had probably been absorbed by the walls before it reached him or her.
"Bella," Edward's voice rang in my head. It almost sounded as though it was real. In a fit of desperateness, I wanted to reach out and touch him. But I held back; I knew he wasn't there. I didn't want to get my hopes up again after having them crushed back in the woods. Still, it felt good to hear his voice. I smiled.
"Bella," his voice said again, this time louder. "Is that really you?"
Yes, I answered mentally. This is me. This is what I've come to. I hung my head, slightly ashamed. I'm sorry, I told him.
"It's you," he said, sounding surprised. It sounded so real, I scrunched my eyes closed. It was too real. All this was doing was torturing me. I didn't want to hear it any longer.
Of course it's me. Whose head were you expecting? I sighed. I believe I asked you to leave me alone back in the forest.
"Bella," he repeated a third time.
I pressed my hands over my ears, as if that would cure me of hearing it again. "Stop it," I said. "Stop torturing me," I said, mostly to myself.
Absently, I wondered if this was something the Volturi had conjured up. Torturing me with his voice until I finally just cracked and tore myself apart. It'd be less work on their part, I supposed, if I did everything for them.
Upon taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down, I realized the scent had gotten stronger. It was as if the vampire was right next to me. I noticed, too, that there was a warm air blowing a few strands of my hair away from my face. It was breath. Was the other vampire really that close to me?
I didn't really want to open my eyes, as it was rather creepy to have a vampire in your face like that, no matter who you are. But when I heard Edward's voice again, as if it were right next to my ear, my eyes flew open.
"Bella?" he asked.
I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head, closing my eyes again. I couldn't believe I was even seeing him, now. My mind was a mean, mean place. "Leave me alone," I whined. Was this what happened when you knew you were close to death? Did you hallucinate so vividly that all five senses were tingling with the proximity of the imaginative figure?
There was a sigh, followed closely by a gush of air on my face. "Bella," Edward's voice said, "Open your eyes, love."
I shook my head adamantly. "I can't," I told the imaginary version of him. "Because when I do, and then find out you aren't real, it'll only be that much worse. In which case, I would end up begging to Volturi to kill me faster." I shook my head once more for good measure. "And I don't want to resort to begging. That's not me."
There was a velvety chuckle, and then a hand brushed my hair behind my ear.
"Stop it!" I shouted, burying my face in my knees. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!"
"Bella," he said, "Bella, Bella, Bella. Take a deep breath and open your eyes. I don't know how vivid your dreams usually are, but I can promise you that this isn't one of them. It's me. I'm here."
"No, you're not. You're a figment of my imagination."
A gentle finger reached and gingerly lifted my chin up. I still kept my eyes closed. It would be so hard to see my mind's version of him in front of me only for it to be taken away from me in a matter of moments. All it would take was for me to believe it for just one second, and then it would all be gone. I didn't think I would be able to handle that.
You'll be with him soon, Bella, I assured myself. Just give it time.
"Open your eyes," the voice cooed.
Cautiously, I opened one eye.
Staring back at me was none other than the love of my life. My imagination really was vivid. He even looked like he had been contained for a while—probably the way he looked when he was killed. The purple under his eyes was dark, as though he hadn't hunted in weeks. His skin was paler than normal, so much so that it nearly glowed in the darkness. His hair was ever unruly and untamable as ever, and I longed to run my hand through it. But I knew—I just knew that as soon as I did, he would disappear. I clutched my hands into a fist to refrain.
I closed my one eye before opening them both.
"It's really you," he said. "But what happened to you?"
I shook my head. "You already know," I told him. "You were in my head the whole time, just as you are now. You should already know. You should also know that I don't want to live it again."
"You still don't believe I'm here, do you?"
"Of course not, Edward," I explained. "You died. I watched you die. I heard every gruesome detail. How could you possibly be here now if that were the case?"
He shook his head, a smile creeping onto his face as he reached for me and pulled me into his lap. "I didn't believe it was you when she first pushed you in here. I knew you were here—I had heard it in their minds—but I never in a million years would have thought they would have put us in the same jail together."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "You just want me to believe it's you," I said.
"Always so stubborn," he said with a short laugh. It was a lovely sound, though he cut it off abruptly as if it sounded weird to him, like he hadn't done it in a while and hearing it shocked him. He was silent for a moment before he continued. "How can I prove it to you?" he asked me. "How can I prove that I'm actually here, touching you, holding you, breathing you in?"
I thought for a moment before shaking my head. "You aren't, though, so it's a moot point."
He rested his cheek on the top of my head and tightened his arms around me. "Silly Bella."
It felt so real. I could actually feel his breath tickling my hair, the feel of his hands rubbing up and down my arms, as if he was trying to memorize my new shape; like he was trying to convince himself it was real.
And with that thought, as if someone flipped a switch in my head, it all made sense: Edward was alive. And he was here. With me. Holding me. And somehow, I just knew.
This wasn't fake anymore.
It was actually happening. This was the moment that I had been dreaming about constantly since the day he left me back in Forks.
"This is real, isn't it?" I said cautiously, still a bit afraid he would disappear.
"Mhmm," he murmured into my hair, his lips brushing so softly against the crown of my head I almost didn't feel it.
"But how?"
He shook his head. "It's such a long story, Bella. I don't want to talk about it right now. Right now, I just want to sit here. With you. We've been apart all too long." He sighed and buried his face into my neck, inhaling my scent. "You're a vampire," he said, his voice slightly muffled. It wasn't a question.
I nodded once. "Of course. You didn't actually think I would just grow old and forget about you, did you?" I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt amazing to be able to be with him again. If I were human, I would be bawling of happiness. If I thought I had been happy before, it was nothing compared to now. I had never been truly happy as a vampire, and it was a different feeling entirely. The feeling flowed through me freely, like a vampire's version of endorphins, only about ten times stronger.
"It's what you should have done. I'm not saying it what I wanted, but you know you'd be better without me. It's obvious to everyone but you."
"Who is everyone?" I asked, pulling away from him slightly. Almost reflexively, his arms tightened around me and brought me closer. I shook my head and pushed against him, my newborn strength overbearing his, and his arms relaxed around me.
"I don't ever want to let you go," he mumbled.
"And you don't have to," I said, "But who is everyone?" I asked again.
"Me, for starters." He cast his gaze down toward the place where he was now intertwining our hands.
"You don't want to spend forever with me?" I asked, baiting him slightly. Part of me just wanted to hear the answer that I knew I would receive.
"Don't be silly," he said. "Of course I want to spend forever with you. I would give anything to be able to hold you for the rest of eternity and never let you go." He took a deep breath. "I was miserable without you, Bella. The whole time. I didn't know how I was to go on. And then when Rosalie told me you killed yourself...," he trailed off. "I couldn't help but know it was my fault. I tortured myself with that information; the fact that you were as miserable as me. And I just...," he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against mine, "I love you," he said, almost as if it were a question.
"Edward," I said, grabbing his face between my hands and melting a little inside when I looked him right in the eyes. "Stop avoiding my question." I raised my eyebrows at him, urging him to continue.
"Well me, and... well..." He finally looked up at me with sad eyes. They were pitch black, even in the darkness. I wondered when the last time he had fed was. "Now isn't a good time to ask me. I can't...," he drifted off, as if looking for the right word, "I can't focus with you here like this. You weaken my defense."
He unleashed the power of his eyes on me and I stared, nothing short of dazzled before I shook myself out of it. "How do you do that? I'm a vampire now, and you still have the exact same effect of me that you had when I was human."
"Minus the speeding heart," he said with a smile.
"Minus the speeding heart," I repeated, basking in the glory that was Edward. I leaned forward again and pressed my face into his neck, breathing in his vampire scent. I couldn't believe I hadn't recognized it earlier.
But then, maybe I had. When Marcus had shown me my room for the first time, I had smelled him. I hadn't known it was him, but I should have recognized the feeling I had gotten as soon as I walked into the room. Had I had known that he was in the next room over, I wouldn't have spent three weeks moping.
I closed my eyes and cozied into him. "Tell me what happened. Tell me about everything since the day you left."
"Everything?" he asked. I could feel his voice and smiled larger than I had in ages.
"Mmm," I replied.
He blew out a deep breath, preparing himself for the long story that I'm sure was ahead. "I think it was harder for me than you imagined, that day I left." I opened my mouth and started to sit up to protest, but he stopped me and held me back down so I was cuddled against him. "It went against every fiber in my being to leave you alone, but the logical side of me was right in that it was completely necessary."
At this, I scoffed.
"Shh," he said. "Just listen. So I left. And then it was like I had no reason to exist. I don't think I had fully acknowledged how happy you actually made me every time I was with you. And with that gone, I was gone.
"It was the most difficult for Esme, I think. I digressed to how I had been before you, if not much, much worse. I never got out of bed, I only hunted when it was absolutely necessary. I was a mess, to say the least. I had no will to leave my bedroom. I suppose I was selfish in never leaving. The family suffered greatly as they tried to find a good cover story as to why I hadn't left my bed in a few months.
"'Edward, you need to get out of bed,' Carlisle told me almost every day. He rarely got a response though, and I think he gave up. He tried talking to me multiple times, but it was hard for him to understand how it was for me. I had lost my life, in the theoretical sense, when I lost you. He still has Esme. It wasn't as though he didn't try, he just didn't understand well enough to comprehend what was going on."
As he talked, I felt overwhelmed with déjà vu. He was describing, almost word for word, how I was after Volterra. I started to say something about that to him, but he cut me off before any words left my mouth.
"Jasper had a difficult time handling how I felt, and generally tended to stay as far away from me as possible, so I don't exactly know how he handled the whole thing.
"Emmett, of course, spent a lot of his time trying to cheer me up. Most of which were lost causes, of course, and about ninety-eight percent of the time he made me feel worse, but I figured it was the thought that counted. He got an A for effort.
"And then there was Alice," he said with a slight laugh.
I cringed. He didn't know yet.
He stopped abruptly, noting the change in my body. "What? What's wrong?"
"Oh, Edward," I said, burying my face into his tattered shirt. "It's all my fault. I never should have been so pouty. If she hadn't been so worried about me, she never would have wanted to go hunting and—"
"Shh," he cooed, "Slow down. Now take a deep breath." He joined me in doing so. "And start over. What was all your fault?"
"Alice," I said. "Alice was—she died." I looked down, knowing my unworthiness of even looking at him right now. I killed his sister. He probably wouldn't love me at all anymore. As soon as he found out, he was going to want to leave me. "I just... I hadn't been feeling too well, and Alice was worried," I said. "She came home one weekend—because she and Jasper weren't staying in the house with us due to my emotions—and was worried about me. I hadn't hunted in ages, which isn't good for a newborn." As I told the story, Edward's brow furrowed.
"And then we split up in the forest, and Victoria found her before I could get there and then it was too late. I'm so sorry, Edward."
He remained silent, stunned. He looked as though he were trying hard to process the information being spat at him.
I cleared my throat. "I understand if you don't want anything to do with me. You can join the club—Jasper's president, along with Esme and Rosalie."
"Now why would I do that?" he asked. I stared at him, shocked. It was obvious, wasn't it? I killed his sister. He had no reason to want to date someone who was responsible for the murder of his family. "It wasn't your fault," he said. "Sure, she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but that's not the point. Victoria was the one that killed her, not you. We should be avenging Victoria."
"I already took care of that," I said. "She won't be a problem anymore. I killed her."
He raised his eyebrows. "I won't lie, Bella. That's pretty hot."
"But Edward!" I protested.
He laughed. "No 'buts', silly girl. Now let me finish my story. Alice was by my side the entire time. I always felt like she was the only other person that understood me in general. It was comforting, but there was only so much she could do. She knew that the only thing that had the ability to make me better was you. And I refused to have anyone take me to you. Still, she sat by me, only hunting when I did, only talking when she felt necessary, completely abandoning her husband... She was too good to me.
"And last but not least there was Rosalie, bless her heart. When Alice got the vision, she had been away from me for the first time in months. She had gone out to buy—of course—some new clothes for the up and coming winter. She had been far enough away that I had not been able to see the vision. Next thing I knew, Rosalie was calling me and telling me you were dead.
"And then there was that phone call, where the mongrel answered and verified it. There was nothing I wanted more than to simply join you in heaven. It was my only desire, and nothing was going to stop me. I had left before Alice and Rosalie got home.
"When I got to Volterra, they refused me. They said it was too much of a waste to let a talent like mine be turned to dust. But you have to remember, in their minds, I was doing this for a human. I was doing this for the same species that they had eaten for lunch. It meant nothing to them. So I tried a different tactic, and threatened to expose the species. But they didn't believe that I would follow through.
"So I planned the whole clock tower stunt. I don't think you understand how badly I died inside when they took me away from you. I couldn't believe they would be so heartless as to actually do that, when they could have easily just taken care of the people around when it happened. Which they ended up doing anyway. So I didn't see why they had to take me away and lock me up in this godforsaken room.
"I spent so much time in here, debating whether I would be able to get out or not. I had planned an entire escape route before it hit me: What if you didn't want me anymore? What if, seeing me about to kill myself had changed your perspective on me? I didn't think I would have been able to deal with the pain of that. So I just survived on pretending that you were out there somewhere, still loving me. I figured it would be best to die happy than live an eternity as miserable."
I put my hand over his mouth to keep him from talking. "You mean to tell me you didn't come looking for me, and you had a way out?"
He looked down, ashamed.
"You knew I was out there, you knew I loved you, and you still didn't come looking for me? Why? How could you? I waited for you, Edward. Everyday I waited for you to come and tell me it was all a dream. You honestly mean to say you've been in this cell of your own volition for nine months?" I was angry, there was no doubt. And part of me felt bad for yelling, but he deserved it and we both knew that.
"To think," I said, "This whole thing could have been avoided."
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I just... I couldn't," he said, stroking my cheek. "It was stupid and selfish of me." Of course, he was instantly forgiven. Part of me wished he wasn't so damn irresistible so I could stay angry at him for longer than two seconds next time.
I sighed. "It's fine," I said. "Continue."
"But they didn't kill me right away. They insisted on torturing me. They said that I could be let free and spend the rest of my existence fighting with them, which in my opinion isn't free at all, or I could sit in here until I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my existence fighting with them. It was a lose-lose situation.
"Since I refused to work for them, they kept me here. They fed me half a liter of cow blood every month. I don't know where they got it, but it was horrible quality. It tasted like the cow was ancient and had been sick with some sort of disease. But beggars can't be choosers, so I let it be. And that's how I lived for eight months.
"When thoughts started bleeding in of you coming to the castle, I thought you had come for me. I thought the reason you came was because you knew I was in trouble and that I needed you now more than ever. But then I started hearing Aro and Jane think about how you thought I was dead, and they had killed me.
"They decided to play along with the story of yours, just so you wouldn't know I was literally right next door to you. Bella, even as a vampire your scent sings to me. I can't tell you how many nights I spent pressed against that wall, inhaling your scent. It made me so happy to know that you were so close. But at the same time, it killed me that you were completely untouchable.
"I didn't believe it when Jane threw you in here. She must have forgotten that I had been in here for so long. And then you didn't think I was real... And, well, here we are. Does my story check out?" he asked.
I nodded ferociously. I wanted nothing more in this very moment than to kiss him. My eyes drifted down to his lips, and his did the same. Simultaneously, we both leaned in and our lips touched gingerly. It was hardly a kiss. Angered slightly, I pulled away.
"I'm not breakable anymore, Edward."
A devious grin crossed his face as he, in no uncertain terms, attacked me. My back fell onto the hard cement as his body hovered over mine in the most passionate kiss I had ever experienced. I wanted it to go on forever. He had never kissed me like this when we were human.
His tongue traced my lips and I gladly opened, grateful for this close sense of contact. I felt closer to him now than I ever had before.
I drew my hand up and ran it through his hair, earning a quiet groan from his lips. This was, hands down, the best moment of my life. I couldn't imagine anything that would have made it any better.
We broke apart and sat up, both of us catching the breath we didn't need. "Wow," he said.
"Wow indeed," I agreed.
His buried his face in my neck again, this time burying it with kisses and licks until he decided he had had enough and moved back up to my lips. They moved together in perfect synchronization and I was once again reminded how perfectly we fit together.
But, as if someone had it out for us, a drop of water chose that moment to fall right between us, landing on my cheek. I drew back and stared up at the crack above us that was leaking water.
"That was my escape route," he said randomly. I must have looked confused, because he then followed up with, "The entire room's made of vampire-proof material, right? Well this crack, created simply from rotting and old age, is the perfect way to get out. Just above it is the top of the castle. With enough leverage on the crack, we can open it up until there's a hole for us to escape through."
I nodded. "Okay," I said. "Let's go."
He furrowed his brows. "What?"
"Let's get out of here. I have you, now. I don't plan on dying anytime soon."
With that, we started to work on the hole. There wasn't much to it. It was basically just finding the correct angle on which to push against, and it would fall. I was glad the room was soundproof, because we were making a racket, what with all the demolition going on. Not to mention the kisses we snuck after every big chunk fell to the ground.
We made a game out of it; It if was a small chunk, there was only a peck. A medium sized chunk, we got a longer kiss. And if we got a huge piece, we shared kisses more like the one we had a few minutes ago than how we had been before.
With time, the ceiling came down and there was a hole big enough to fit one of us comfortably. Edward helped me up first, and then I waited while he hoisted himself up. With that, he scooped me up, bridal-style, and jumped off the top of the building. The people of Volterra were the last people on our minds.
As we landed, he continued carrying me.
"You can put me down now," I said, laughing.
"I don't think so," he said. "I don't plan on putting you down ever again."
He continued to carry me in his arms with ease. I didn't bother looking where we were going, so long as he was right there with me. His muscles flexed as we made our way away from the chamber. I laughed carelessly as I removed bits of rubble from his hair. I had never been so happy.
I kept my eyes solely on him as we left. I could faintly feel the rush of wind on my cheek as we exited the chamber and walked into the damp, humid sewer connecting the world to this hell. This hell where they cheated God and captured and angel.
Topaz. I drowned myself in his eyes; even through the darkness I could outline the etches of his auburn pupils. Night and day those piercing eyes haunted me, and yet all I did was dream of them.
I blinked and we were in the square now, so close to escape. I could see in the distance the brick clock tower, and the infamous hands slowly ticking along, signaling to me time's ever-changing manner. Each tick brought through my mind the change I went through, that forever really did nothing to time. We were prisoners and slaves, bound to change and the sands of age.
"It still doesn't change my love for you," he crooned, almost reading my mind as he saw me stare blankly at the clock. I stared at him for a while, relishing in the absence of being able to see him, knowing it to be real.
"Grab them!" shrieked a shrill voice behind me. I jumped out of Edward's arms and glared at the small army behind us.
Out of the darkness leaped Jane, Alec, and Demetri, all of whom seemed wildly impressed to be outnumbering Edward and I. I crouched down low and growled. Edward stood in front of me, ready to protect me.
"It seems you two have managed to escape the room, I see," voiced Demetri. Edward roared as Demetri winked in my direction.
"You don't understand, do you? You weren't meant to live, my dear. You weren't supposed to willingly come here, and take away my role as Aro's favorite. How dare you come in here?" Jane flared her face at me.
Edward roared.
"You've done nothing but constantly berate me. You outsmarted me every time I tried to take you down. I take Edward, you find a home in Denali. You don't come search for him like I wanted you to; instead you stay in hiding for forever. So I go and tell my friend Victoria where you are, and to finish you. And what do I get? I get nothing but a Cullen down and a dead Victoria. I guess you never send another to do what needs to get done.
"So from there, I started my plan. I planted it in Aro's mind that the Cullen's needed to be killed. They were threatening to expose us and overpower us, I told him, they had to go. But no, Aro just loves the Cullens," she said, "So what am I supposed to do now? I track down Demetri, who helps me track down you, and you still haven't moved. I thought for sure by then you would have gone somewhere where you didn't want to be killed.
"And just as I was getting ready to take care of another Cullen, Jasper stole the limelight and kicked you out himself. And you sat there and took it. And finally, you did what I had wanted you to do all along. All I had to do then was to make sure I could somehow get you alone.
"But then you started helping Aro plan the death of the Cullens, which I thought was just classic. It was great to watch an imbecile try and weasel her way into my position. Like you could ever do what I do," she said. "And now, for the plan I've had since you first arrived...," she trailed off and averted her gaze to Edward.
Edward gasped suddenly in the night air, and began to writhe in convulsions along the cobblestone floor. I watched with horror as he began to scream and pant, closing his eyes and grinding his teeth together. I immediately launched by his side, wondering how to stop the pain. Anything!
I glanced up at Jane and realized she was staring with concentration at Edward's squirming form, with a smirk upon her face.
"STOP IT!" I cried. Tears began to fog my eyes and I cursed my vulnerability. "PLEASE, STOP IT!!"
Jane diverted her glance toward me, with cruel intention and smugness clear across her face; Edward continued to struggle with immense pain.
"Would you die for him, Bella? Would you do anything?" she questioned. I didn't care for anything else. I immediately nodded and gasped a "yes" incoherently, wanting simply Edward to stop.
"Please…" I begged, "Please don't do this. Please stop! I'll do anything."
"Don't...," Edward moaned. His screams returned at full force, as if Jane turned the dial upon pain for a higher concentration. I tried to shield my body against him, hoping to deflect the pain, and bring it upon myself.
"I love you," I told him, even though I wasn't sure that he'd be able to hear me through his pain. I still felt as though I needed to tell him.
I was suddenly shoved to my feet and held in an armed grip, realizing only through recognition that Alec and Demetri had picked me up and forced me away from Edward.
"No!" My screams grew louder, and I struggled with all my might. I needed to save him. I had to. I wasn't going to let him die here. Not again; I wasn't going to lose him again.
My vision blurred, but I didn't care in the least bit. I continued to violently thrash forth, hoping to loosen the hold I was placed in. A sharp piercing laugh punctuated the night sky, and I looked pleadingly at Jane.
What was I willing to do for Edward?
Anything. I would die for him. I would join the ranks of the Volturi forever if I had to. It was all for Edward. Everything; my old brown eyes, my name, the very ground I stood on. I was here as a vampire for him. My heart belonged to him. I was Edward in every sense of the word, and to be away from him once again was to willingly die right here.
"Kill the Cullens," yelled Jane through the ever crying screams of Edward.
The weight of a thousand bricks fell upon me. To save Edward. To kill the Cullens. Every problem and every cry over the past year led to this moment. The real matter laid in love; to save love, by killing some of it. Who could I live without? What was I willing to sacrifice? I needed more time. I needed to reason this out. There just had to be another way! There didn't need to be death. There was always a way.
There's no silver lining.
I heaved dry sobs as I realized there really was none. To kill Edward was to kill everything. Life would be useless. I would much rather the choice to be myself, because I could handle masochism. But to kill the Cullens, my family, no matter what happened, was too terrible to imagine.
Edward screeched louder as Jane concentrated on his body once more. It seemed to be getting worse as Edward's screams were replaced by incoherent words, his mutterings only the very more frightening. I lost all reason to bide time and spoke.
"I'll do it," I whispered. The very answer shocked me. Jane's already smug face lit up as she registered what I had said.
Slowly, I heard Edward's screams ebb away into long, relaxing breaths. He looked at me with pained eyes, and for the first time, began to weep. He wept not only for his family, not for himself, but for me. The girl he promised to keep safe forever. The girl he vowed to never interfere, and to let live happily ever after. He cried to let out the year of sorrow and grief. I cried for Alice and Jasper. For the inability to love through the Cullens. He sobbed for Carlisle, his best friend and father. He wept for the innocent men, women, and children whose death was because of the hunger of monsters. Of vampires.
I sagged in my captives' arms, too disgraced to further hold myself up.
The curse lived on; I had ruined the lives of Charlie and Jacob. I had done away with the inherent qualities and goodness in the Cullens. And now, though unbelievable, I ruined the heart I never imagined to break. My mending only created more cracks through his soul. I had ruined Edward Cullen.
Jane finally saw the disaster she had made and laughed triumphantly.
"How disappointing, child. I can see in your eyes that you don't seem to have the strength. It makes me question your ability to do away with the Cullens," she commented snidely. Suddenly, as if possessed, fury blazed across her eyes.
"ENOUGH OF THIS! I'm tired of having to compromise with you fools! It's time I finish the job once and for all. The Cullens can wait! For now, I'll just do away with what I have."
From her pocket, Jane produced a silver lighter. Swiftly, she sparked a flame and held it gingerly in her hand, examining it with a crazed expression upon her face. I observed with horror and terror as she casually pitched the flame through the air, where it awaited to hit the ground. Just where a weeping angel sat.
The lighter touched Edwards feet, and almost like wildfire, began to shoot up the flames, encircling his body like an inferno.
No.
Without thinking, I managed to push both Alec and Demetri away from their grips, and launched myself at full speed toward the burning saint.
I leaped into Edward's arms, and held on for dear life. I clung to him, holding tight. Behind me, I heard a sneer from Jane's lips. But I didn't care to listen. I simply looked into the very eyes of a terrified Edward.
"Bella, what are you doing?" he yelled.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, finally unaware of the fire burning us. I simply looked straight into his eyes. There was no where else I wanted to be. I didn't want the meadow I fell in love with while I was human. I wanted heaven. And Edward was here to make the flames the gates to the clouds.
"It's what you would have wanted," I whispered. Edward shyly smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist.
It didn't matter anymore. The burning around us simply numbed me once more, but this time I loved every minute of it. All I wanted to do was stare my love, my one and only.
"You're finally warm, Edward"
"I can hardly feel it."
No more sorrow. No more grief. Only me and Edward, holding each other, waiting for time to end. As we burned, I began to feel different. I no longer felt cold. In turn, my vision weakened, and I never felt so weak. I looked up with a shocked expression to see Edward had changed. There stood a boy of seventeen, with bronze hair, and green eyes. I didn't see a vampire.
We held each other, simply staring, making up for lost time. Forever never gave enough. But this… this is what I would have wanted.
What he would have wanted.
I gently pressed my lips to his as the flame began to turn us to ashes.
Fin.
A/N: What'd yah think? See the post after this chapter for follow-up explanations and important dates. :) Remember: Review. Please.
-cALLIEfornia BENches