Kim Possible belongs to Disney.
I used the names Dean and Francine for Ron's parents, but I didn't come up with those names. I know I picked them up from some fanfic, but I can't remember whose story it was.
Just to make it clear, the Yori scene in this chapter is direct continuation to the first scene in the previous chapter. From this point on the story will develop chronologically.
ONE MOMENT TO DAWN
Chapter 2
"Mom. Dad," Kim started one morning at the breakfast table.
Her father peered at her from over his newspaper. While her mother insisted on talking about what had happened, her father had mostly let her to herself. Kim knew he would always be there if she needed him, and she was grateful for that he didn't try to push the issue. Somehow he had always been the best at understanding how she felt and what she needed.
"Yes?" her father asked.
Kim toyed with the spoon in her hand. Her parents probably wouldn't take this well.
"I'm thinking about moving out," she said.
Her mother stopped working on the cookie dough on the counter and turned to look at her daughter with brows raised in surprise.
"What do you mean?" she asked. If Kim hadn't known her mother better, she could have almost imagined that there was a panicked twinge in her voice.
"Well, I'm old enough to be on my own, and I can't stay here forever," she reasoned.
"But your college is right here! There's no need for you to move," her mother said. She walked over to the sink to wash her hands, the dough now forgotten.
"Well, I don't know," her father said good-heartedly, "It could be good for her to practice living on her own. I can help you find a nice little place near the college."
Kim squirmed. "Actually, by out I meant moving out of… Middleton."
"What? Absolutely out of the question!" her father blurted out.
"But --" Kim tried, but she was interrupted by her mother.
"Where did you get an idea like that? You can't leave your studies," she said.
"Not to mention us," her father added with a disapproving frown. He folded the paper and put it aside.
Kim had known her parents wouldn't like the idea, so she had prepared a few good arguments for her case.
"I could transfer to another college. I already talked to Mr. Stalton, and he said that I could apply to Layton City College because they have a better selection of courses on criminal law. I would have to do something like that anyway if I want my degree to have any value," she said. Well, that wasn't exactly honest, but it was true that Middleton Community College wasn't really among the best in the country.
Kim wasn't sure if it even mattered. Now that she was no longer going on missions and saving the world with Ron, she couldn't imagine herself having anything to do with justice or fighting for it. She was only continuing her studies because she hadn't known what else to do.
"I don't like it," her father said. "I don't want my daughter to live all alone in a strange city."
"But you let the Tweebs move to the other side of the country!" Kim snapped.
Her father shrugged it off. "They have each other."
"And that's supposed to be reassuring?" Kim asked.
"At least they'll protect each other from harpies who only want to hurt them!" her father argued.
"I thought you told them that having fun with girls is part of college life," Kim pointed out.
Her mother sat on the empty chair beside her and put her hands on Kim's shoulders. "I think your father means that he doesn't want you to get hurt. You've never lived on your own, and it might not be the best solution in this situation," she said.
"But it's only a four-hour drive to Layton! It's not like we would never see each other again," Kim said, for the moment ignoring the rest her mother had said. It was a better strategy to ruin her parents' defences one at a time.
"Well, what about your living? Rent, food, books, phone bills… Those aren't cheap," her father said.
"I know," Kim said. This was probably the biggest obstacle of them all. She had never charged for her missions, hadn't really worked apart from that short Bueno Nacho experience and she didn't have that much savings. "I'm thinking about getting a job."
"Combining work and studies is really hard. Believe me; I worked my way through med-school. I wouldn't want you to do the same since there's no absolute need to," her mother said.
Kim snorted and rolled her eyes. "I was able to juggle school, cheer practice, world saving and my social life in high school. A job and studies together will be no big," she said. She saw that her father was about to say something, so she quickly continued, "As for my safety, I think I can handle myself. I've taken out insane scientists and kung fu masters. Nothing I'll meet in Layton can match up to that."
"I still don't like it," her father grumbled.
"Neither do I," her mother said, though her tone was already more understanding. "And I don't think that it's just the new college that's attracting you. Why do you really want to go?"
Kim drew a breath. This was the real reason behind her decision. How she presented this would determine whether she'd get her parents on her side or not.
"I need a break," she started. "I can't concentrate here. Everything and everyone here just makes me think of Ron. It hurts too much, and I don't think I can move on when he's so close to me all the time. I need to get a little distance." She didn't know where she should have looked when she spoke, so her eyes wandered from her parents to the fruit bowl and to her knees and back. She didn't usually feel that insecure when speaking up, but now she found she was almost ashamed of what she was saying. Getting distance from Ron? It just wasn't right, and at the same time it was all she could imagine herself doing. It hurt too much to stay where she was.
"Are you sure this is the best way to do it? You'd be all alone there. What if something goes wrong?" her father asked.
"I can't stay here forever, and what's the worst that can happen?" Kim said. Everything had already gone wrong for her, so no matter what happened, it wouldn't feel like much.
"Kim, when I said that you need to move on, I didn't mean that you must forget Ron," her mother said.
"I'm not going to forget him! I just need to live a while away from all this," Kim insisted. She switched her stare from one parent to another, feverishly hoping that they'd at least try to understand her.
"It does seem to me like you're running away from something," her mother started.
"Mom, I --"
"But," her mother interrupted her in a stern voice, "If this is what you really want, there isn't much we can do to stop you."
"You mean I can go?" Kim asked, blinking in surprise.
"No, but we're going to think about this. We can't rush a decision like this," her mother said.
Kim frowned in disappointment, but she supposed it had gone better than she had expected. She knew her mind wouldn't change, so either her parents would let her go or she'd do it without their approval.
She decided to give her parents a few days to discuss the matter with each other. Kim hoped they would eventually see things her way; she didn't want to hurt them or start stupid arguments.
A few months later she found herself standing in a small apartment – as he father hadn't allowed her to live at the college dorm in fear of bad influence – that was still bare and uninviting as it had no furniture or any of her personal belongings inside. The air smelled strange; the previous tenant had probably been a smoker, but overall everything was clean and worked. Cold couldn't get through the windows.
Most importantly, the apartment wasn't filled with memories.
"It's a good thing dad had to go to that conference," Jim said as he and his brother were carrying the bed inside.
"If he had seen this place, he would have never let you move out," Tim added.
"Like he has any choice now. I already transferred here," Kim said. "And it's not that bad. Don't forget I've seen your dorm."
She was grateful that her brothers had been able to put their studies aside for a while and come and help her to move. She hadn't seen them in a few months, and it would have been awkward to leave home without even saying goodbye to them. Out of everyone in her life, the twins were the easiest to hang around with after Ron's death. They didn't act like she was suddenly made of glass. They let her mourn Ron the way she wanted to, but she knew they'd always be there for her.
"Where do you want the bookcase?" Tim asked once they were done with the bed.
Kim was still at the stairs, carrying two rolled-up carpets with her. "I'll find a place for it. You don't need to stick around for decorating," she said.
"Are you kidding? We aren't going to let you move all of this on your own," Tim said.
"Especially since we need to show off how we've worked out!" Jim declared. To emphasise, he and his brother flexed their arms to impress Kim, but she only chuckled and shook her head.
"Since when do you two care about muscles? I would have thought you'd build a robot for moving this stuff," she said.
"We tried," Tim said.
"But the prototype didn't really work the way we wanted," Jim said.
"And besides, some exercise never killed anyone," Tim added.
Kim shot a knowing smile at her brothers, wondering if they would already bring home girlfriends the next time they visited their parents. The thought both amused her and filled her with an empty feeling of melancholy; it was hard to believe that her annoying little brothers were already in college and had grown up.
They finished bringing in all the furniture and other items from the car. The apartment that had looked small in the beginning was positively cramped now. Kim had no idea how she would ever be able to fit the contents of all the boxes into the place.
"Maybe I brought too much stuff with me," she mused. She was used to having space around her, so this had been little of a surprise.
"Don't worry; we can take the extra back with us. Just decide if there's something you don't need," Tim suggested.
"Okay. In the meantime, the two of you could pop down that Chinese place down the street and get us some take-out. I'm not going to cook in this mess," Kim said.
Jim snorted. "Like you could cook anyway. That's not really your forte, sis," he said.
"Yeah, maybe not," Kim admitted with a sad smile. Cooking had always been Ron's field. He would always joke that he'd probably be the one to bring the food to the table, just not the way it was traditionally meant.
When her brothers were gone, she turned to look at the messy apartment and furniture that looked like it didn't belong to her anymore. It felt strange, but she didn't regret moving out and leaving Middleton because she knew she had to be by herself for a while if she wanted to learn to deal with everything that had happened. It would be easier to think about Ron if there wasn't constantly something reminding her of him, how much she had loved him and that he was forever gone from her life.
And then there was the nagging guilt. Not a day had gone by without her recalling those crucial moments that had flashed past her so fast and yet had felt like a horrible eternity. She knew she could have saved Ron if she had been just a little faster, or if she had aimed better, or if her mind had been entirely on the mission.
She walked over to the box where she knew Pandaroo was and picked up the stuffed toy. She sat on an armchair her parents had bought her and curled her legs under her, looking around her apartment with the toy in her hands.
I should have talked to Ron before we went on that mission, she thought. She had known the issue wouldn't leave her mind until she had dealt with it, but she had thought it wouldn't be a problem. She was Kim Possible. She could do anything, including push her problems away when needed.
If she had had the courage to confront him, maybe they wouldn't have gone on that mission at all. Or maybe he would have understood and everything would have been the same as before. Then she would have been able to save him, just like countless times before. How different things would have been then.
Kim thought back to the day of the funeral and how she had talked to Yori. She regretted some of the things she had said, but her opinion had mostly remained the same. Yori had every right to hate her. The ninja had been in love with Ron, and it was Kim's fault that he had been lost to her. She should have at least admitted that she resented Kim for that, but she had remained annoyingly calm and good-natured, like she understood everything. Kim preferred it when people were honest, so Yori's attitude really got under her skin.
She wondered if Ron would have pursued a relationship with Yori if the two of them hadn't got together. Would he have been happy with her?
No, there was no use to play with what-ifs if she didn't want to mess her head. She had reality to deal with.
Her new life in Layton wasn't all moonlight and roses. She had lived her entire life surrounded by family and friends, so at first being so alone was almost unbearable. She would come to her apartment after classes and wander between the small excuse of a kitchen and the bedroom, not feeling at ease and not knowing what to do. Eventually she developed the habit of putting the TV on even if she wasn't watching it, just to break the silence.
She got a job as a waitress in a small café preferred by older and more well to do people. She didn't really enjoy it, but neither did she loathe it. The pay was a little better than in most waitress jobs and she had flexible hours. In the past that would have been an advantage for going on missions, but now it didn't really matter. She simply enjoyed having some control over her shifts.
Her new college was everything she had been expecting, and she was quickly accepted by the people in her study groups. She didn't want to become popular like back in Middleton, but it was entirely against her nature to brood and angst alone, so she almost accidentally made some friends right in the first week. It was nice to talk to people who hadn't known Ron personally and who treated her like there was nothing wrong.
Yet she couldn't forget Ron for a single day. The stupidest things kept reminding her of him. If somebody walked past her carrying take-out from Bueno Nacho, she instantly thought back to the countless times they had sat together at their favourite table. The local radio stations really liked playing the songs that had played at their prom, so Kim had to stop listening to them if she didn't want to cry every time the familiar songs came on.
Her parents called her almost every day for the first week, and Kim was glad for their concern. It somehow felt easier dealing with them when they weren't right next to her. It was only certain topics that brought her on the edge.
"Francine was here yesterday. She wanted to know how you're doing," her mother said one time.
Kim cringed. She hadn't really talked to Ron's parents after the funeral. She had paid her condolences and said how sorry she was about everything, but their company had mostly made her feel awkward. She felt like she couldn't reach out them in their sorrow because she was certain that they were blaming her. They had to. She had dragged Ron out on missions and she had failed at protecting him. She couldn't face them when she had not yet dealt with the issue herself.
"You can tell her I'm fine," she said.
"She's worried about you. She wishes you would have at least said goodbye to them," her mother said. There was a scolding tone in her voice that told Kim that she agreed with that.
"I know," she said. "I'll talk to them later when I know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything special, Kim. They're not strangers," her mother said.
"It's just that… I think they blame me for what happened to Ron," Kim admitted.
"No, they don't. Everybody knows it was an accident."
"But --"
"Kim, you're the only one who thinks it was your fault. Nobody else blames you at all. Please realise that," her mother said sternly.
Kim swallowed to clear her suddenly tight throat. "I can't, mom. If I had done something else, Ron would still be alive," she said.
"That's nonsense. If you don't stop blaming yourself, you'll never start feeling better," her mother said.
Deep down Kim knew that it was true, but she couldn't bring herself to admit it. She was used to that she could defeat every obstacle by charging right at it, so she was certain that she could do that with this situation as well. She could deal with this her own way.
Eventually her life settled down into a routine. She went to class, hung around with new friends and kept herself in shape. She tried to think about Ron as little as possible, but sometimes the memories simply washed over her and left her sobbing to her Pandaroo and cursing herself for letting him die. Her parents visited her a couple of times, but she never went back to Middleton. She wanted to, but somehow she never got around doing it. There was always something that she told herself was important and needed her to stay in Layton.
It was one dark November evening when she was finishing an essay for one of her classes but was interrupted by a knock at the door. Not knowing who it could possibly be, she went to open and got the biggest surprise in a long time.
Yori was sitting on Kim's couch, keeping her slender hands on her knees and looking at her host with those annoyingly calm eyes of hers. She had taken off her coat, revealing a blue pullover and jeans. It was the first time Kim saw her wearing anything other than a ninja garb or a school uniform.
"Alright, so what do you want?" she asked and crossed her arms on her chest.
"Is that the American way to treat guests, Kim Possible?" Yori asked.
"When the guest is unannounced and no doubt came to cause trouble, yeah," Kim replied. She tried to read Yori's face to guess what she could want, but there was nothing that betrayed her thoughts. Darn her for being a ninja.
Yori shook her head. "I am not here to cause trouble," she said.
"Then why?"
"I only came here to talk."
Kim lifted a doubtful brow. "All the way from Japan?" she asked. She wasn't sure why she was feeling so hostile all of a sudden, but Yori's arrival felt like an invasion of her privacy. Just looking at her made her mind wander back to the past, their shared missions and most importantly, Ron.
"No, from Middleton, actually," Yori said. At Kim's questioning look, she continued, "I was visiting little Hana. Her parents mentioned that they were worried about you."
"What did they say?" Kim asked. If they felt that it was her fault Ron was dead, they might have told Yori about it. Maybe they thought that the ninja would have been a better girlfriend for their son.
Yori frowned at Kim's tight tone. "They were disappointed that you haven't visited them since the funeral. They miss you," she said.
"I've been busy," Kim replied. Why did she have to explain herself to Yori anyway? What she did with her life was not Yori's business.
"So, you just came to say that, huh? Well, now you've done it," she said.
"I do not see why you're being so hostile to me. I came here as a friend," Yori said. "But I see I am not welcome."
No, she wasn't, but Kim couldn't just kick her out like that. Regardless of what she felt now – and to be honest, she didn't know if she should have resented Yori or seen her as a friend – Yori had been a trustworthy ally in the past. It just wasn't right to send her back to the snowy evening without at least giving her time to warm up first.
"Sorry, but this wasn't really the best time. I have been busy lately," Kim said and nodded at her laptop where the word processor was still running.
"My apologies. I should have announced that I was coming," Yori said.
"Yeah, maybe."
Then there was nothing but awkward silence. At first Yori kept looking intently at Kim who found her stare somewhat unnerving but didn't want to be the first one to turn her eyes away. As she looked at Yori, she couldn't help but imagine her with Ron. Would it have worked out between the two of them?
"So, uh, can I get you anything?" she finally asked.
"No, thank you. I'm fine," Yori said.
"Oh, okay. I don't drink tea anyway."
"It might be a good idea that I go. I am sorry for bothering you," Yori said. She got up from the couch and took one last, almost disappointed look at Kim. The redhead felt annoyance flare up; just what had Yori been expecting from her?
"It's late. Do you have a place to go to?" she asked.
"Yes, I am staying a hotel."
Kim only nodded. Yori started to put on her coat and walked to the door.
"I'm sorry we couldn't talk. Maybe I was expecting too much," she said.
"What exactly did you want to talk about? If the Stoppables asked you to see me, you could at least tell me what this is about," Kim demanded with a frown.
Yori shook her head. "They have nothing to do with this. This is all my own doing. I only wanted to see how you were doing and maybe talk about Stoppable-san," she said.
"About Ron? Why?" Kim asked. The last time they had talked about him had been a catastrophe, and she felt like cringing when she thought about what she had said. It was no wonder she had been upset, but she should have been able to control herself better than that. Yori certainly hadn't lost herself to her sorrow back then.
It was like Yori had guessed what she had to be thinking. "Last time didn't go very smoothly, but I understand you were consumed by your sorrow. I don't want there to be bad blood between us, so I came to talk things through," she said.
"I don't think there's really anything to talk about. I loved Ron. You loved Ron. Now he's gone and we can't do anything about that," Kim stated.
"You sound like you're accusing me of something. Tell me, do you still think I should have fought for Stoppable-san's affections?" Yori asked. She had turned away from the door and her hands were resting on the dark green buttons of her coat, like she couldn't decide if she wanted to start undressing again.
Kim rubbed her arm guiltily. "I shouldn't have said that," she admitted. Had Yori done that, she would have probably started to hate her, had she been successful or not. And even if she had got Ron, that wouldn't have guaranteed that he'd still be alive. He could have been killed on that or any other mission anyway.
And yet there was that one doubt in her mind.
"But you could have tried. You had your eyes on him first, you know," she continued.
"I didn't realise it was a competition," Yori said. "And if it was, you certainly had the advantage," she added.
Kim blinked at the sudden tensioning in Yori's tone. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"You had known him since you were children, Kim Possible. You two had lived your entire lives right next to each other. I was on the other side of the world. What could I have done?" Yori replied.
"You could have tried! E-mail exists, and if you don't have computers at Yamanouchi, I'm sure snail mail isn't an unfamiliar concept to you," Kim said. So, it had been her fault that Ron had chosen her, ultimately sealing his own doom?
Yori angrily brushed some of her hair behind her ear. "Why are we discussing this again? Do you really think Stoppable-san would still be alive if he had chosen me?" she demanded.
"Maybe," Kim muttered stubbornly.
"Exactly; you can't know. There is no point talking about what we could have done differently. It's all in the past," Yori said.
For Kim it wasn't. Not a day had gone by without her wallowing in her guilt and wondering if she could have done something differently and if everything really wasn't her fault. The more people told her that she was not to blame, the angrier and more frustrated she became. If it wasn't her fault, then whose was it? Somebody had to be guilty.
"Just… just don't try that self-righteous crap with me, okay?" she blurted out before she even realised what she was about to say. She didn't even feel guilty about her outburst, not even when she saw Yori's eyes widen a little at her unexpected words and venomous tone.
"But I—"
"Don't. So maybe you got over Ron just like that, but I haven't, and I won't. I'll always be thinking about him, and the fact that you storm into my home acting like he's insignificant isn't helping! Just what do you want?" Kim ranted.
Yori's face twisted in annoyance, but she was much better at holding back her emotions than Kim.
"I'm sorry. I certainly see now what a bad time this was," she said.
Kim just groaned. "Look, there you go again. Why must you talk to me like I'm a child? I don't need your understanding or pity! I just want you to be honest with me!"
"About what?" Yori demanded, frustration creeping into her voice as well.
"About Ron!"
"But I am! You know how I felt about him, but I chose to step aside because he didn't want me! What more do you need to know?"
Kim opened her mouth to shoot back a snappy response, but she realised that she had no idea what to say. What did she want from Yori? The other woman had told her how she felt about Ron and that she respected his decision to be with Kim. She hadn't done anything wrong, and yet she was now being treated like a criminal by someone who should have been an ally.
She swallowed, suddenly engulfed by emotion that she couldn't name. It was like shame, regret and hopelessness rolled into one ball that was slowly forced down her throat.
"How did you get over Ron?" she asked quietly. Yori hadn't expressed any sadness over his death in her company; it was like she wasn't at all touched by what had happened.
"I had to learn to accept the truth. Sensei says that things happen the way they are meant to, even if we may not see it that way," Yori replied. Kim was reminded of that battle against Monkey Fist in the yellow shrine back when they had searched for the secret weapon. Yori had said something very similar back then, but she had been smiling with acceptance. Now her face was almost emotionless, and only the faintest frown revealed her uneasiness.
Kim swallowed. "I can never accept it," she said.
"Then your life is going to be a very empty one," Yori pointed out.
"Do you think I don't know that? There is nothing I can do. Ron isn't coming back!" Kim snapped. She had thought she wouldn't cry over talking about his death anymore, but she could already feel her eyes burning and her voice getting hoarse. It wasn't entirely because of sadness and longing; it was also because she was jealous and angry. Why was it that Yori had moved on with her life like that when she kept on suffering? It wasn't fair!
"I don't want to accept it," she added stubbornly, trying to keep her voice down so that Yori wouldn't notice how hard it was for her to keep herself together. It was probably a silly effort. Yori was a ninja and could read her like an open book.
"So, you're just giving up? You aren't even trying to move on?" Yori asked, a hint of disbelief and annoyance making her voice harsh.
Kim's head shot up. All her previous irritation at Yori came right back. How dare she judge her like that and act like she was so much better?
"Why do you think I moved away from Middleton?" she demanded of her. "All of this is because I'm trying to build a life without Ron. Don't you dare speak to me like I'm giving up!" she snapped.
Yori kept a thoughtful pause. "To me this feels more like you're running away from his memory instead of accepting it as part of your life," she said.
That's it. Kim jumped to her feet and took one furious step towards the other woman, then stopped, not knowing whether she wanted to attack her or get as far away from her as possible. "How dare you? What right do you have to come here and talk like that to me?" she asked.
"None," Yori admitted calmly. "It only angers me that someone as strong and proud as you is throwing everything away like this."
"I can do anything I want!" Kim snapped. Yori's words not only offended her, but they made her remember that uncomfortable knot inside her. Her mother had also expressed her worries about that she might be running away from Middleton and Ron. But it wasn't like that. She really needed to get away from everything, just for a while. Why did Yori have to keep insisting that she was doing something wrong? Even if she didn't say it straight to her face, just that look in her eyes was enough to drive Kim to the edge.
Yori's lips tightened into a grim line. "You're right. It's your choice and responsibility what you decide to do with your life. Pity that you've chosen this road," she said.
"Then what would you have me do instead?" Kim asked, rage bubbling inside her and threatening to break to the surface. It felt like her mind had become dislocated from her body and that she wasn't fully in control of her actions or words anymore.
"I can't tell you what you need to do. That is something you have to discover yourself," Yori replied.
And there she went again, feeding her that annoying wisdom garbage that made her sound wise and understanding but that wasn't helpful at all. Kim just couldn't understand how Ron had survived in Yamanouchi if it was anything like this. If Yori said just one more word, Kim might blow up at her face.
"Well, isn't that convenient? I guess you think it's fun coming here to lecture at me and then offer me no advice when I ask for it," she said in a venomous tone.
Yori sighed. "No matter what I say, I end up offending you. I know how you feel and what doubts are tormenting your mind, but --"
"No, you don't! Don't even try that with me!" Kim snapped.
"I loved him as well, Kim Possible."
"And yet you act like he doesn't matter at all!"
"I know it must be different for us. Stoppable-san was the great love of your life, and --"
"No, he wasn't!"
Her hand flew to her mouth in a futile attempt to keep the words inside her, but they were out before she realised she had even started to say them. That was not what she had wanted to say to Yori. That was something she had never ever planned to tell anyone. It pained her too much to even think about those words.
Yori was looking at her with a confused frown on her face. Kim knew that she would have to say something now, but she had no idea what she could do to fix the damage. Yori couldn't be tricked easily.
"I mean, I do love him. I love him more than anyone else in the world," she started.
"But?" Yori asked, her tone oddly weak all of a sudden.
Kim shifted and turned her eyes to the floor. She knew what she had to say, but she didn't want to look at Yori when she said it.
"Ron was the most important person in my life," she said again. That was true, and nothing would ever change that. Ron had meant so much to her that words couldn't even begin to describe it. He had left a permanent hole into her heart, and Kim knew that nothing could ever fill it. "But… as much as I loved him, I don't know if I really loved him as a boyfriend."
"You two were in love. I could see that when we fought Monkey Fist," Yori quickly pointed out. Her voice was like a snake that had struck a prey.
"I know. I guess I loved him like that for a while, but… but it just didn't feel like it was right. I still saw him as my best friend. Not much changed when we started going out," Kim said. She dared to lift her eyes to look at Yori now, and the disbelieving expression on the ninja's face finally broke the redhead's final barriers. She didn't even try to hold back the bitter tears.
"I couldn't love him like he loved me! I was… I was going to tell that to him that day… when we went on that mission. I felt so guilty the whole day. I knew it would break his heart, but I didn't know what else to do." Her words were broken by sobs as she tried to talk, and she sunk back on the chair.
"And that's why he died," she cried.
"What do you mean?" Yori asked.
Kim could barely hear her own voice when she spoke. In her mind she could see nothing but that all too familiar scene from over a year ago and hear Ron's last scream echo in her ears. "I couldn't stop thinking about how to break it to him. It distracted me from the mission. If I had told to him about it before, or if I had loved him more, then he would have never died."
"I would have been able to save him!" she cried and buried her face into her hands as sobs shook her body.
She didn't know how long she cried, but when she finally looked up again, her eyes swollen and with a painful lump in her throat, she saw that Yori was still standing on that same spot. The ninja was staring at her with an expression that Kim couldn't read. Was she angry at her? Did she pity her? Hate her?
"And that's why you should hate me," she said quietly.
Silence.
"I don't hate you," Yori said slowly.
"But you should. If I had told Ron about how I felt earlier, he wouldn't have died. Maybe he would have gone to you. I just stole him from you again," Kim muttered.
Yori said nothing as she walked to the couch and sat down again. She was still wearing her coat, but she made no move to take it off. Kim wondered what she would say, if anything. She couldn't even begin to imagine what Yori had to be feeling.
"Stoppable-san had free will. You didn't steal him from anyone," Yori finally said.
"But if I had been honest with him, he could have been with someone else," Kim pointed out.
"Let me ask you something. When you and Stoppable-san started your relationship, was that what you wanted at the time?" Yori asked.
Kim didn't even have to think back to the Diablo scheme, Eric and how she and Ron had gone to the prom together. It had been the most wonderful day of her life, and it had felt like her eyes had suddenly been opened to something amazing that she should have seen years ago.
"Yes. I loved him," she admitted.
"Then I don't see the problem. You didn't trick him or lie to him," Yori said. "Your feelings only changed a little. That has nothing to do with his death."
Kim sniffed. "But if I had given everything to the mission, I could have saved him," she insisted.
"You don't know that. What happened wasn't your fault. Stoppable-san's death was an accident. There is no-one to blame," Yori said.
"I can't accept that. It's not fair that he died without reason. I have to blame someone!" Kim snapped, but she didn't feel the sort of anger as before. Having told someone about her doubts had exhausted her more than any training session could, and she felt tired and limp. It was tempting to curl into a ball and fall asleep.
"Even if it means wallowing in self-pity and wasting your life?" Yori asked with a lifted brow.
Kim didn't answer.
"How can you be so… so patient and perfect? Aren't you angry at all?" she blurted out.
"Of course I'm upset, but I am not going to let that control my life," Yori replied.
Kim glanced at the other woman from under her hair. "For a while there it felt like you didn't care about Ron at all," she muttered.
Finally there was some real emotion on Yori's face. Kim was again reminded of a malicious snake as Yori asked, "How can you even suggest that? My love for him was real!"
Yori's hurt tone made Kim wince. Maybe this was a cultural difference. From what she had heard, Japanese people were a little more reserved. "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm kind of used to people showing how they feel," she said.
"I see," Yori said, and silence fell between them.
Kim wondered if she should have said something, but she had no idea what to talk about. She had never got to know Yori like Ron had. Even after the truth about Yamanouchi had been revealed to her, there had been many things that were left between Yori and Ron. She realised she knew nothing about Yori as a person, nothing about her interest, hobbies, tastes or family.
The only subject that connected them was Ron, but she didn't want to talk about him anymore. Kim could already feel the beginning of a headache pounding inside her skull, and the mere thought of more stressful talk about Ron made her want to groan. Yet she didn't want Yori to just leave like this. She had told the other woman things that she had barely been able to admit to herself. It would be wrong if they didn't work things out between them.
"So…" she started awkwardly. At least she wasn't crying anymore.
Yori seemed to feel just as uncertain about herself. "I should apologize. It was dishonourable of me to pry those things out of you. I'm sorry," she said. She stood up and gave Kim a modest bow.
"Oh, no. That's not necessary. I'm sorry, too. I wasn't exactly a generous host," Kim said.
"That is understandable. I came unannounced and brought bad memories with me."
"Maybe that was a good thing," Kim said. "Somehow I've been blaming you for not taking Ron away from me, like that would have solved everything and saved his life. I shouldn't have."
Yori nodded. "I think this evening gave us both something to think about. It might be better that we end our conversation here and meet again when we're better prepared," she said.
"Yeah, maybe," Kim agreed. She really had to think things through and decide how she felt about so many things before she could say anything more.
They didn't say anything else to each other. Kim watched how Yori walked out the door and only when it had been shut after her did she dare relax. She collapsed against the chair and let out a sigh.
After a while she walked over to her laptop and shut off the word processor. She didn't even want to think about her essay at the moment.
Yori kept her mind blank until she was back in the crisp winter night. She hadn't been expecting anything like that to take place when she had gone to meet Kim Possible. To be honest, she hadn't been expecting much of anything. Yori had assumed that Kim would have got over most of her sorrow in over a year, but it was now obvious to her that the other woman had issues much deeper than she had first assumed. That sudden outburst had come as a complete surprise to her, but it explained so much about Kim's behaviour.
Yori couldn't help but feel a guilty stab inside her as she thought back to Kim's accusing words. Stoppable-san had been very dear to her; Yori had never loved anyone else like that. She knew it sounded stupid, considering her young age and that she had only met him on few brief occasions, but she had been certain that they were meant to be. There had been something about him that had attracted her. He had been so different from the students at Yamanouchi, but at the same time he had been just as courageous and had had enormous potential. He had always made her laugh even when they were facing the greatest of dangers.
She blinked to clear her suddenly blurry vision. It was no surprise that Kim still missed him that much. Stoppable-san had always been part of her life, and they had been so close that most people would never achieve anything like that. Yori had seen that bond between them, and it had made her feel excruciating jealousy and loneliness for not having the same. She had hid all of it behind a brave face in order to preserve her honour. It wasn't her place to question Stoppable-san's decisions, even if she disagreed with them.
After hearing what Kim had had to say, how she had stopped loving him in a romantic way after some time, it was very tempting to feel bitter and blame her. Kim could have told him about it earlier. It might not have saved his life, but it would have freed him from his commitment to her and made him available to others. If Yori hadn't known Kim and if she hadn't been understanding enough, she probably would have succumbed to that dark desire and faced Kim with that exact hatred the redhead seemed to be expecting. However, she knew that Kim's reasons for keeping the truth from Stoppable-san hadn't been selfish. She hadn't wanted to hurt someone who was that important to her, and she had probably been afraid that she might lose him as a friend as well.
Yori knew that her calm behaviour probably seemed cold to someone from another culture, but she had had no choice but to push her sorrow aside and move on. She had just graduated from Yamanouchi at the time of Stoppable-san's death and had been in the middle of her first mission as a hired ninja. There could be no distractions in her line of work. Being robbed of the opportunity to properly mourn him had saddened her, but she had also felt pride for her ability to function almost like nothing had happened, even if Sensei had advised her not to close her heart entirely. She had tried to listen to the old man and think about Stoppable-san whenever she had no urgent responsibilities and whenever she felt like the locked up emotions might break out and choke her.
As much as she felt she needed it, this was not a night for such meditation. Yori took one glance at her watch and hurried her steps. She had a mission to prepare for.