Dark Night, Hold Tight, part 26
A/N: As always, flashbacks are in italics.
Summer had known since she was twelve years old that the world was out to try to manipulate her. Her father's manipulation was subtle, but effective. He would stay away for weeks at a time, making her miserable in her life-sized Barbie Dream House with only her stepmother to share her pain. His few visits were spent with Summer trying to get a few moments alone with him, seeking praise, attention, whatever he was willing to give her, anything, please.
Her stepmother, affectionately referred to as the stepmonster hardly noticed when Summer was home, much less the minutia of her daily life. Summer only occasionally wished she could drown her sorrows the way the current Mrs. Roberts chose to, with a variety of pills and other substances meant to dull and stupefy.
When Seth Cohen wandered into her life she found it hard to believe that all he wanted was to love her. The Thanksgiving Anna-Summer-threesome debacle proved to her what her cynical mind had been searching for all along: Seth had been just waiting for an opportunity to play her. He spent the next year and a half trying to prove her wrong, that he loved her, truly, that he had always loved her. Seth once asked her why her father left her alone that way he did.
They had been sitting together on his bed, the TV on, but neither really watching it. She had her back to his chest, her body safely nestled between his spread thighs, his arms wrapped around her chest. His breath had pulsed warmly against her ear; she remembered the delicious thrill that ran down her spine every time he touched her.
She had shrugged, but remained quiet, deep in thought.
"A couple of years ago, I found a home video of my first birthday," Summer began, her voice timid, hesitant. "My dad was working the camera and my mom was holding me. The way I look now…I look almost exactly like she did then. And we laugh the same, and flip our hair the same way. I think I must just remind him too much of her, you know?"
Seth let out a deep sigh, kissing the top of her head affectionately. For once, he didn't interrupt.
"He never talks about her, not even right after it happened. She drowned herself one afternoon when he was out of town, and I guess she thought the help would find her...but they didn't. I did. I found her birth certificate right after I found the video, her mother's name was Alice Wiederhold, and her father was Muslim, so I think that's where we get our coloring. They named her Fadia, but the only thing I've ever heard her called was 'Fay.' I wish I could know something about her…even just…anything," Summer said wistfully.
Summer relied on her memories now the way other people relied on their sight, and sense of touch. Every moment with Seth, Marissa, her mother...had been carefully crystallized in her perfect memory for her to replay over and over again in the lonely days and nights that had become her monotonous life. Marissa would never again understand how Summer felt, not about Seth, and not about life. Once, during a bender after the whole Oliver/Ryan debacle ended, Marissa had told Summer that she thought that someone like Seth would be too suffocating for her, for a relationship. Summer wanted to snort and to tell Marissa that she was a fine one to talk about clinging, but she managed to hold her tongue. Seth could be overbearing, even sometimes obnoxiously so…but he was Seth. Despite the snarky banter, the witty repartee, Summer knew that Seth loved her. And after years of neglect, she needed to be smothered, she needed the attention, the affection. She needed him.
Seth felt rather than heard Summer's approach down the sandy hillside from the Cohen's backyard, if it could be called such. Despite her vivacious personality, Summer moved with a quiet efficiency that impressed Seth, who usually became his own worst enemy when it came to the stealth. Summer wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her breasts against his back and giving his ear a quick kiss.
"Hey."
Seth just gave a short nod in response.
"What's wrong?" Summer demanded. "Why are you out here, alone? You've been quiet lately. Too quiet."
"Too quiet?" Seth quirked an eyebrow. "I never thought I'd hear you complaining about the lack of chatter."
Summer threaded her fingers through his wildly curly hair. "You stop talking, I start worrying. The last time you got this quiet, you ended up on a boat for four months."
Seth reached for her hand, pulling her body around to settle sideways across his lap.
"I'm not leaving," he promised.
"So what are you thinking about?" Summer asked softly, stroking his face. "You need a shave," she commented idly.
"I've been thinking..." Seth began, slowly.
"Yeah, I caught that," she retorted dryly.
"I've been thinking about...asking you to marry me. Only here's the thing, I'm really kind of scared as hell about that, partly that you'll say yes, and partly that you'll say no. And it's not like I want to carry you off tomorrow or anything--I mean, we're not in West Virginia. But before we go off to college...I really think I want to marry you," Seth looked everywhere but Summer's face, his natural defenses kicking in. He didn't think he could bear to see the rejection written on her face.
"Oh, Seth," Summer sighed softly.
Seth's ears perked, "Not Cohen today?" he prodded, nudging her knee.
Summer didn't answer. They sat quietly for several long minutes, watching the sandpipers run along the edge of the water, the tiny waves lapping at the shore delicately.
"It's not that I wouldn't want to marry you, baby," Summer smiled, a little sadly. "But we just graduated. From high school," she added unnecessarily. "And I think you have this idealized rosy picture of marriage and you want to hold me up on that same pedestal, and I just...don't belong there. I don't think we can go impulsively do something like this."
"We don't have to," Seth insisted. "Talk to me. Lay it on me. I'm all ears." He tried very hard to keep his mouth shut.
"Seth...Cohen...your parents, they're great. I mean, I don't know anyone else in the world that would let their son's girlfriend practically move in with them. And you know, I can tell that they love us--Ryan and me, as if we were their own children. They get along, they love you, they're the perfect couple, and I mean, seriously. They've been together twenty years without killing each other, without getting a divorce...Jesus I've been with you for every day for like, three months and I've never even heard them argue."
"Oh they argue," Seth commented wryly, then mimicked a zipper across his lips when Summer glared at him.
"Look around us, Cohen. Marissa's parents--abysmal ending to that marriage. And Julie didn't do so hot with your grandfather, either. Ryan's parents split up when he was what...six? His dad's in jail, his mom is God-knows-where... Luke's mom and dad got a divorce after like, 20 years together. God, my mom killed herself before I even got out of junior high. My father raised me like a charming little pet who would always be satisfied with clothes and shoes and money, instead of love. What guarantees we would be any better off?" Summer's rant was bitter, but her voice was sad, full of longing and regret.
"I think we have to work on it," Seth said honestly. "We have to commit to being faithful and honest and all that stuff, but we also have to keep talking to each other. Listening to each other," Seth conceded, seeing Summer's stony look.
"Listening to one another is not the same as understanding one another."
Seth began again, incensed. "And let's be fair...any marriage with Julie Cooper is doomed for failure. There are not enough men in this world who speak money. And it's not fair bringing up Luke's parents because his dad is like, the gayest gay man ever. Ryan's parent's split up because his dad went to jail. Not to extrapolate here, but we have no idea what Ryan's family would be like if they had stayed together. When they were together, I think it was okay, as much as Ryan doesn't talk about it. Summer, you and I are so perfect for each other...and so what if I figured it out at eighteen? Or twelve, or six, for that matter? I'm just glad I figured it out at all. I mean, how is it any better that my parents got married at 25? Or my Dad's cousin, who got married last year at 44? And who else would put up with me, and my great t-shirt collection? And who else would put up with the rage blackouts?"
"My father would disown me," Summer mused.
"So? Take a look around you, sugar. You pretty much live in my parent's house. Your father's been gone for weeks. You spend all your time with us, we're going to college together...it's not like you'd really be missing out on all that great quality time you spend with him. I'm just saying…we would have to be smart about it, but we could do it."
"I'll think about it," Summer promised finally, nonchalantly.
"That's all I ask," Seth nodded happily.
It had taken him another five years to ask her again, and when she said yes, she'd been truly ready. They'd talked about it many times in between that day on the beach and the night of her graduation from college, but something had always diverted their attention. That had never seemed to matter, though... Seth had known from the moment that first time that she would always say yes, no matter how many times he asked her.
"Summer?" Seth asked, his voice groggy. He sat up as she pulled up on his quilt and slid under the covers.
"It's me," she leaped into the bed and burrowed under the covers. "Cohen, why do you have to keep it like an icebox in here?"
"Nice to see you too, sugar. I'm actually going to be hanging meat later."
"Seth," Summer's voice trembled and she pressed her face against his bare chest without another thought.
"Hey, hey," Seth whispered, laughing in protest until he realized she was crying. "Hey," he pulled himself down until their faces were level and wiped her tears away with the balls of his thumbs. "Summer, what's wrong?"
"Your parents have been so good to me. You've been so good to me," her voice came out as a broken sob. "And I haven't done anything to d-d-deserve it."
"Shhh, baby. You don't have to deserve it. It just is. My parents love you, Ryan loves you. I...I love you. I love you, Summer."
Summer burrowed her face back into Seth's neck. "Idjwudfju."
"Mumble, mumble, mumble," Seth teased affectionately.
Summer lifted her head just enough to articulate. "I love you, too." Her dark glassy eyes locked on Seth's serious gaze. He leaned forward, his breath hitching in his chest painfully. His eyes darted back and forth between her eyes and her lips, the classic sign that he was going to kiss her. Summer relaxed as his warm sweet breath ghosted across her lips. Her eyelashes fluttered across her cheeks as she closed her eyes with slow deliberation.
"Is it okay if I kiss you now?" Seth asked, his mouth barely grazing hers. Summer closed the millimeter's distance between their lips and moaned at the agonizing pleasure of being with Seth. She wrapped her arms around his neck, willing him to embrace her completely. Seth was tentative, gentle, and so she encouraged him with insistent thrusts of her chest against his.
"Hold me," she begged quietly, and he crushed her into a hug, rocking her in his arms. It might have been patronizing, had it been anyone other than Seth. But Seth could never be anything but completely taken with her, and she knew that he needed to hold her just as much as she needed him to. Seth laid a kiss on the flushed skin of her forehead.
"You're hot," he worried, pressing the back of his hand to her brow.
"I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Seth, I want to marry you," Summer blurted.
Seth's eyes widened in surprise.
"I've thought about it."
"Summer, I just asked you this afternoon. You couldn't possibly have..."
"I've thought about it," Summer repeated, meaningfully.
"Ohhhh," Seth caught on. "Before? Summer, that's awesome."
"I don't want to wait," Summer entwined their fingers. Seth frowned. "I've been without you too long already," she hurried to explain, her voice trembling. "All those years I wasn't allowed to be with you because I was so shallow and all my friends thought you were creepy. And because I couldn't think for myself, I just let you... And then all of those months I was with Zach because I just couldn't forgive you. And what I couldn't see...didn't want to see, I guess, is that you left when Ryan left, but you left because of me. You left because I never noticed you until Ryan came along, and you were afraid I was going to leave when he left, too. I mean, we've both been really stupid, and not just about that. I just don't want to be without you again, not again."
Seth's mouth met hers in an impetuous kiss. She helped him pull her t-shirt over her head and wiggled closer as the bare skin of his toned chest gently rubbed against her breasts.
They made love quietly in the dull darkness, whispering to each other the things they never said. Summer bit back her moans of pleasure, and Seth kissed away her tears of release. She arched up into his arms as she came, clinging to his lean body and whimpering. It was all Seth could do to hold her up, gracefully balanced on his shins, and yet somehow he managed to continue kissing the tender skin of her neck reverently. He laid her back onto the bed and kissed her forehead.
The next morning Summer got dressed and went back to the guest room before Sandy and Kirsten awoke, and she and Seth never spoke of that night again.
"Are you sure Seth said it was okay that I come with you guys?" Anna asked, biting her lip pensively as she stood in Summer's doorway. She was midway through getting dressed for dinner at the Nana's house, clad in her stockings and slip and holding the hanger with the dress that Summer had pressed for her the night before.
"Yes, he asked for you, specifically," Summer repeated again, rolling her eyes playfully. "He probably will talk your ear off all night long about some stupid comic book, or his band."
"Seth has a band?" Anna asked, surprised.
"Yeah, he took me to see them play...they're not half bad. For a garage band, anyway," Summer shimmied into her favorite pair of jeans, and then smoothed the fabric across her bottom before buttoning the fly.
"Oh," Anna's voice was soft, wistful.
"They play, like, four times a week," Summer quickly explained. "You could probably go see them this week, if you wanted. Seth would love to have you there."
"Maybe," Anna fingered the silky sleeve of the cute little dress she was about to don. Summer was carefully fastening the buttons of her clean white shirt, checking fastidiously to make sure each button was in the proper buttonhole.
"I'm about to paint my fingernails," she announced before disappearing into her bathroom.
"I'm gonna go... just get dressed," Anna stammered, suddenly aware that she was half-naked. As soon as she was safely back in her room, she pulled the gossamer fabric over her head. From the front door she heard Seth's knock, and Summer's answering call that she was coming. Anna took a deep breath, steeled herself for the night to come.
To be continued...