Disclaimer: I don't own Mario. I don't own StarVix. We both share ownership of the Corporal, the General, the Sergeant, and the M Squadron.

It took precisely ten hours, forty-two minutes, and sixteen seconds for Mario to find the Courtyard where all the reserve members were being assigned their squadrons.

He half-walked, half-stumbled to where a small table had been set up, and three people in military uniform, one being a Paratroopa, one a red-shelled Koopa, and one, oddly enough, was a Puni of Boggly Woods.

Mario leaned against the table and held up a finger, gasping for breath. Then, gulping deeply, he looked at the three military figures and managed to gasp out, "What's a Puni doing here? Aren't you the good guys?"

The Puni frowned and said, "Of course not! We've been on King Bowser's payroll for centuries, you bozo!"

Mario's eyes furrowed and he said, "Then how come I never saw any of you until the Thousand Year Door thing?"

The Puni stomped his cute little paw on the table and yelled, "Listen here, you! For one thing, lots of bad guys were portrayed as good guys in the bloody Paper Mario series! It means nothing! And for another thing, what do you mean you never saw any of us before then?! We're more common to Bowser's army than the stupid Goombas!"

Mario frowned, not at all understanding. Then his eyes widened as he realized what that meant.

*FLASHBACK*

Mario was tracking down Bowser and Princess Peach for the first time. He squinted into the sunlight, at where two Goombas were patrolling in the distance. He stepped forward confidently…

…And thought he heard something squeaking softly.

Mario frowned and turned to his younger brother, Luigi. "What?"

Luigi looked back at him. "Huh?" He asked intelligently.

"You didn't say, 'Good night above, his big foot just squished half our platoon, Puniper!'?"

"No."

"Oh. Never mind."

*END FLASHBACK*

Mario coughed nervously, his face turning a dark purple color. "I guess it just slipped my mind," he said, not wanting to offend the offended Puni.

The Puni calmed down considerably, clearing his throat and saying, "Now, I assume this is about you coming to active duty?"

Mario nodded, showing him the letter.

"Exellent! I am Corporal Punizione. So sorry to tell you this, but most of our Squads are full up. You really should have showed up sooner."

Mario's eyes lit up. Perhaps fate was on his side for once.

Apparently not, because the Paratroopa spoke up. "Hey, Squad M is short one member," she said.

"Good thinking, General Ingresso," the Corporal said, nodding at her. He took Mario's paper and scribbled something on it. "Here is your assignment. Hop to it."

Mario took his paper and sighed dramatically. He wandered around the Courtyard for a few minutes before he found the rest of his squadron.

When he got there, he found that his squadron consisted of himself, a Hammer Bro, a Green Shelled Koopa, a Goomba, a Rex, and a Paratroopa.

"Excuse me," Mario said, handing the Koopa his paper. "I think this is my squadron?"

The Koopa looked at him and his eyes lit up. "Wow!" he said. "Mario's on our side!"

Mario had a suspicion that he'd heard this somewhere before, but he never got a chance to confirm it before the Koopa grabbed him arm and started talking a mile a minute.

"My name's Kooter, I've been on the reserves for years. Over there is Goomber, he used to be an active member until um…you know, he had a… well, he hit his head on something…:"

The Rex snorted. "Yeah, your foot," he told Mario rudely.

"Don't mind King, he's a big jerk," Kooter said soothingly. Goomber looked up, his eyes crossing as a string of drool ran down from the left side of his mouth. He waddled over to Mario and started gumming his pants leg.

Kooter stared at him for a moment, then he cleared his throat and said, "Um, over here is Sledge, our Hammer Bro. He's in the reserves because… well, he's 4F."

Sledge pushed up his thick, square glasses that he'd taped back together in the middle, smiled, and waved at Mario. At least, he though he was waving at Mario. He was actually waving at a telephone pole.

Mario was not having warm thoughts about his new squadron's ability to perform right then. Goomber had finished eating Mario's left pants leg and was working on the other one, King was making mean faces at another squadron, and Sledge was wondering why the telephone pole wasn't responding to his friendly gesture of good will.

The red capped plumber turned to the Paratroopa, who was sitting on the ground in a fetal position, rocking slowly and muttering to himself, and asked, "And what about him?"

"Oh, that's Bob. He's agoraphobic."

Mario did have a vague idea what phobic meant, Luigi had showed him that. He just wasn't sure what agora meant, and he said as much.

"Oh, that just means he's prone to panic attacks whenever he's in an unfamiliar environment or in places he thinks he's not in control."

Mario scratched his head. "Whose idea was it to put him in the army?"

"He said his Mom thought he should meet new people," Kooter explained.

"How's that working out for him?" Mario asked.

"Not so well. He's afraid of meeting new people."

A female Dry Bones in a Sergeant's uniform stomped over to them. (Betcha didn't know they had girl Dry Bones, did you? They're the pinkish/red ones in Paper Mario Thousand Year Door.) She blew a whistle and ordered them to line up.

Although Kooter, Mario, King, Sledge and, Bob all stood in a neat little line, while Goomber started hopping on one foot. Bob was muttering and rocking himself, and Sledge was facing the wrong way.

The Sergeant blew her whistle again. "Shape up, Maggots!" she yelled. "My name is Sergeant Malvagio, and none of you are allowed to eat, sleep, or breath without my say so. Got it?"

Bob shrieked at her voice and started hyperventilating. Goomber, attracted to the noise, gave a war cry, jumped on Bob's shell, and started chewing on his head. Needless to say, that didn't do much to make Bob feel better.

"Quick, before he chews Bob's head off!" Kooter yelled, grabbing Goomber and pulling on him. Mario and King helped. and Sledge tried to help, but unfortunately he still couldn't see and grabbed Sergeant Malvagio's head instead.

"Get off of me, you spineless meat sack!" Malvagio shrieked. Since Sledge had no idea he was the one pulling off her head, it didn't really change much.

Finally Kooter, King, and Mario managed to pulled Goomber off of poor Bob, and King beat the insane Goomba into submission with a stick. Bob immediately started hyperventilating again.

"Does anybody have a paper bag?" Kooter asked.

"I have a hat," Mario suggested, handing it to Bob, who shoved his face inside it and started breathing deeply until he could calm down. Then he blew his nose on it and handed it back.

Mario gave him a dirty look and took his hat back.

Then they all convinced Sledge to let go of the drill sergeant's head and got back in formation.

Sergeant Malvagio took a deep breath, put her head back on correctly, and screamed, "ALRIGHT YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SCUM SACKS, DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!!!"

And thus began Mario's life in the Koopa Troop.

StarVix's Author's note: After seeing chapter 1 & 2 we noticed a disturbing trend in the review department. There isn't much of one. Hey, if you like the story, by all means leave a review and tell us we are brilliant geniuses who aught to be immortalized forever on this site. And if you hate the story, by all means leave a review and tell us we are sick, twisted, evil geniuses who aught to be locked up somewhere safe where we can not access a computer. It doesn't matter to us either way, as long as you remember to call us geniuses. Our Math teachers certainly don't think that, and you guys certainly can't let our Math teachers get in the last word.

gh43's Author's note: StarVix can speak for herself. My Math teacher always compliments my skills, saying each week that it's amazing I'm not behind bars yet. My Principle knows be by name, too. The nice man is my inspiration for Sergeant Malvagio's wonderful personality.