Just for Shadzlove6661. You're gonna hate me, though =D

Everywhere I looked reminded me of him and always made the left side of my chest ache unbearably. Leana was trying her best to keep my mind off him, even to go as far as picking up mail from my home and bringing it back to the apartment I had holed up in since arriving back home in Southern California.

I hadn't spoke to anyone but her, Jimmy and Val — who'd called demanding to know where we had disappeared to and why Brian was sobbing.

She had wanted to get the quickest flight back home to be with me, but I had told her to stay with Matt and to kick Brian's ass for me at every opportunity. She had agreed on the sole promise that I didn't yell when I saw the bruises she left on him. I reassured her that I wouldn't care if she cut his balls off with a rusty knife and left them in vinegar for a while before feeding them to him.

Leana was currently out. She had told me she was just going grocery shopping. Knowing her like I do, she was full on clothes shopping.

I left the apartment, 'forgetting' every form of mobile communication I owned on the kitchen counter. I took the car Leana had left me with; my black Bugatti Veyron. I'm a fast car freak. Who in the right mind isn't?

I twisted the key in the ignition and sighed as the smooth purr of the engine calmed me. I sat in silence for a few moments, just listening to the engine before I put the car into gear and sped off toward my home on the beach. Leana had told me she would pick up my mail on the way back from the store. But I missed my roomy home and wanted more clothes. The ones Leana had picked up for me were all extremely short. I wanted a pair of jeans!

I parked in the gravel driveway and ran up the path to the front door. Leana had my key so I picked up one of the fake rocks from the garden and pulled the spare key out of it before opening up the door. I ran upstairs to my bedroom and began throwing clothes from my closet into a backpack I grabbed from the teetering pile at the end of the closet.

I flew through the house, not wanting to be here any longer than I really had to. Every inch of this house held a memory of Brian and I together.

I locked the door again and ran to the mail box. I pulled everything out, not bothering to look at names and jumped back into my car. As soon as I was there I felt like I could breathe properly again. Like there had been a weight pressed on my chest while I was in the house and it had finally been lifted when I knew I could leave.

Everything I had taken was in a messy pile in the passenger seat.

It could stay like that until I got away from here.

I was back at the apartment before Leana. Which meant I could have some alone time without her popping her head in my door every few minutes to make sure I was okay. I sat in my room, cross legged on my bed, and flipped through the mail I had taken from the house. Most were addressed to both Brian and I. All bills. I sighed and placed them all in a pile to my right. I flipped an envelope over and saw my name was hand-written on the front in a messy, recognisable scrawl. Instead of calling or texting — his usual method of 'communication' — he'd written me a letter. I opened it up and tried to read through the tear stained paper.

Dessy,

I know I was an asshole. But, please, please, please, talk to me. You have no idea how fucking much I miss you. Your voice. Your scent. Your attitude towards me that made me fall in love with you in the first place. Even when we 'hated' each other, you were always the most beautiful person in every room I saw you in. Even when you were yelling at me for no apparent reason, you were amazing. The way your eyes would flash, the way your nose would wrinkle slightly whenever I walked into the same room as you. ?????????????? ????????? ???????????????????? ???????????????????????????????? ???????????????

I don't want to end up like that again. I love you far too much to go back to that. Even if ????????? Doesn't matter to me. Just answer your phone….. Please?

I need to talk to you. I need you ?? listen to me. I need you to know how fucking horrible I feel about what I did. Fuck. Dessy, I need YOU. I'm a fucking wreck without you. I never knew how much I needed you with me until you were just… gone. ??????? Dessy, I don't want this to end. I don't want US to end… we can't end. Just give ???? sign. Anything.

Please call me or text me or just… anything. Absolutely anything.

I love you. I will always love you. Heart and soul.

Brian.

After that the page was littered with messy exes as well as dried in runny ink. I didn't need the parts that were so messed up I couldn't read them. I had read all I needed to.

I grabbed the phone from the side of the bed and dialled the number while I was brave enough to do this.

"Hello?" a quiet voice answered curiously.

I took a deep breath and found myself unable to speak. "Listen, I don't know who you are, but fuck off, okay? I don't fucking need this right now." I heard a tearful sniff as I let out the breath I had been holding.

"Don't you dare hang up on me," I ordered quietly, finding my voice at last.

Silence.

"So I came across some pretty interesting reading material…"

"Dess?"

We were both crying. I could hear him sniffing every so often and I had tears streaming down my face. "It's me," I confirmed.

I listened as he broke down and repeatedly whispered "I love you" and "I am so sorry" to the phone. I knew he meant it. I knew I may have overreacted just a tiny bit because I'd had time to think about it since coming home with Leana.

"I know, sweetie, I know," I choked to him. I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand, wiping away the tears that had permanently taken up residence there. It was unnatural to see only the clear liquid tears. I had gotten so used to seeing my hand come away from my eyes glistening with black tears from the amount of eye make up I wore on a daily basis.

"I never meant to hurt you. Not once will I ever do that on purpose. I just… I don't know what happened to me," he apologised quickly. "I'm so sorry. I want you, Dess. Only you. Forever. I need you."

"I need you, too," I whispered. "But you hurt me, Brian. Oh, sure, you've hurt me before, what with our colorful history, but all of that put together was nothing compared to what that felt like. Do you have any idea? Any at all, Bri? We've spent so long beside each other. Defending the other whenever something happens. Loving each other in every way a man and a woman can do. You threw all of that in my fucking face in one fucking minute."

"I know I did!" he wailed. "And you have no idea how fucking horrible I feel because of it! I want to crawl into a dark corner and fucking give up on life! But you are my life and I will never give up on you. I can't give up on you. It would be like if the world stopped spinning. Or if rain fell upwards. Or if we started floating through the air. Completely unnatural. Loving you is as natural as breathing air to live. It's impossible for me not to. Please come back so we can talk face to face. You have no idea how much I miss you."

"Bri… no. If I were to fly out right now, a herd of stampeding elephants couldn't stop me from kicking your ass to the point of no return. And once I had done that, I would regret it forever. I miss you, I really do. But I just can't see you just now. Just give me time. That's all I'm asking for."

"You can have as much time as you need. I'll wait for you forever if I have to. Can I ask just one thing of you?"

"That depends entirely on what it is." I countered even though my heart was screaming at me to promise him the stars.

"Answer my phone calls? Even if you just stay silent. Just let me know that you're still here and still willing to at least listen to me? Please?"

I nodded. "Promise."

"Thank you," I could hear the smile in his voice. "I really want to stay on the line and talk to you, just to hear your voice, but I'm dri —"

The screech of metal hitting metal drowned out anything he was going to say and the connection died. I thought my heart was going to stop beating as I frantically pushed redial. The phone rang out three times, carrying me to answer phone before I thought to call someone else. Everyone's phones were busy. I was crying with frustration by this point, punching Val's number into the phone.

She was crying when she answered.

"What the fuck just happened?" I demanded.

She simply cried down the phone. "A-a t-truck sma-smashed into the b-bus."

"No, Brian," I whispered. I ended the call, grabbed my keys and ran to the kitchen to grab my wallet. Leana was there, unpacking everything she had bought with a smile on her face.

"Where are you going?" she demanded when I grabbed everything I never left home without.

"England," I answered, running back to my bedroom to grab my cell phones and passport.

"What?! Why are you going to England?!" she yelled, following my every footstep.

"There was a crash, okay? I need to go. I need to. I can't just… just…I just need to go." I pushed past her until I reached the front door.

"Hold up there, missy. I'm coming with you," she yelled and started grabbing the essentials.

"Lea, move!" I screamed as she ran to her bedroom. I walked in to see she was packing clothes into a bag.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her from the apartment. Who the fuck needed clothes when someone's life could be hovering on the edge of death. We sped to the airport, me driving even more manically than I normally do.

There were no major incidents as I paid for our tickets. Unless you count me yelling at the poor woman to hurry up and get us on the fucking plane. Leana took over all transactions from there on, telling me to shut the fuck up.

I spent the entire ten hours on the plane worrying, my right knee bouncing up and down uncontrollably; like it always did when I was worried or nervous. Leana fell into a deep sleep in the seat beside me, curling up into the chair.

No one bothered us.