gh43: It's me again! You can't get rid of me! I'm like a wart. I do not own Mario. I do own all original characters.

StarVix: Ahem…

gh43: Oh, alright, fine! WE own all original characters. There, are you happy?
StarVix:…AND…?
gh43: Fine! StarVix owns everything! StarVix owns me! StarVix owns the pentagon! Are you satisfied NOW???

StarVix: I don't want everything, you, and the pentagon. I just want that bag of Twinkies you're holding.

gh43: Oh…MINE!!!

StarVix: GIMME!!!

(READ THE STORY WHILE WE BEAT EACH OTHER UP FOR TWINKIES, OK?)

King Bowser Koopa waltzed into his war room and nodded at his advisors, Corporal Punizione, who we've met, and the two military officials who had been with him, the Paratroopa, whose name was General Ingresso, and the red-shelled Koopa, Admiral Ammiraglio.

"Corporal, General, Admiral," the Koopa King greeted them pleasantly at the three, who acknowledged him similarly.

"King Bowser, we were discussing our most logical tactics for fighting the Shroob army," Admiral Ammiraglio said, as Bowser sat down at the table.

Bowser nodded thoughtfully. "What have you got so far?"

General Ingresso shifted nervously and said, "Um…we were kind of thinking that someone could sneak behind enemy lines and hit one of them with a thick rock we tied to a stick," he explained.

Bowser's jaw hit the floor. "What?" he asked. "That has to be the worst plan of attack ever! The Flat-Bushed Poppoies* can come up with a better plan than that!"

Corporal Punizione nodded and explained, "Maybe, but it's all we got."

"What about biogenic warfare? We could unleash a virus on them that would give them orange splotches, itchy rashes, and make 'em foam at the mouth," Bowser suggested.

The military officials nodded like good little kiss-ups. "An excellent idea, sire."

"Well? Get our biogenic scientists on it right away!" Bowser ordered.

"We can't sir," Admiral Ammiraglio said apologetically. "They've called in sick."

"Say what?"

"Something about orange itchy rashes and foaming mouths," General Ingresso explained.

"Curses!" Bowser slammed his fist on the table angrily. "Well, how about nuclear missiles?"

"Um, we used them all up," Corporal Punizione reminded him gently. "So we could write your name on the moon, remember?"

Bowser frowned and looked out his window (An impressive feat since it's made out of solid rock) and glanced at the moon. The words 'Queen Bowwow' was etched on it.

"Oh, yeah," Bowser muttered. "What did we do with the yahoo who spelled that?"

"You put Bowser Jr in time out," Admiral Ammiraglio said.

"Ah, I remember now," Bowser shook his head. "Five days in kindergarten and he still can't spell my own name. Kids today. What are you going to do?"

"It's a mystery, sire," Corporal Punizione admitted.

"I didn't want your opinion. Don't be such a kiss-up," Bowser chastised him. "I want to be surrounded by people who will give me their honest opinion, even if it means disagreeing with me and having their heads chopped off. Now, where were we? Oh, I remember. We were discussing battle plans. And all you came up with was hitting the enemy on the head with a rock."

"A rock tied to a stick, sire," General Ingresso said defensively. "That really hurts."

Bowser closed his eyes and buried his head in his hands. This was going to be a loooooong war council.

It had been five hours since their latrine duty was given to them and M Squad was just now finishing up. Mario and his crew stumbled out of the last outhouse, their faces an interesting shade of green.

"I have seen the toilet of evil," Kooter gasped, sucking in as much clean, not-latrine air as he possibly could.

King looked around the boot camp and screamed to any within hearing distance, "What do you people do in those things, anyway?"

Off in the distance, a random military guy heard him, blushed a strange shade of mauve, and coughed nervously, turning and leaving surprisingly quickly for a hardened army Koopa.

Mario was fanning his nose with his hat, also gasping like a fish out of water, and asked, "What I want to know is, where has Sledge been all day?"

Goomber, the only member of the squad who didn't seem to have any adverse reactions to cleaning out an outhouse all day, made a strange noise and stuck his tongue out so far it practically disappeared into his nostril.

"That's amazing," Kooter said, watching the slightly crazed Goomber. "Especially since Goombas don't have noses."

"Lucky," King said enviously.

"Hey, guys!"

The sound of a familiar voice caused them to turn and see Sledge, who was coming towards them, waving. He walked into a flagpole, stared at it for a long second, and then cautiously maneuvered around it, continuing toward his squadron.

"Sledge, where have you been?" Mario asked.

"In the barracks. Man," Sledge put his hands on his back and stretched, looking uncomfortable. "Those things felt like you're sleeping on a tree truck."

"Sledge, I hate to tell you this," Kooter said, "but you probably were sleeping on a tree trunk."

"Again!? Dang it!" Sledge stomped his foot and sighed sadly. "Well, that explains why it felt like a twig was boring its way between my rib cage and my spleen."

Sergeant Malvagio walked towards them, having completed her inspection of the toiletries. "I'm impressed," she admitted grudgingly.

"You actually managed to do something right. You might have found your calling."

"NOOOOOO!" Screamed every squad member except Goomber, who was trying to drool on his forehead, and Sledge, who really had no idea what anyone was talking about.

Bob instantly fell to his knees, sobbing in a heart wrenching manner as he wrapped his arms around Malvagio's feet. "Please, please, no… please…I'm begging you…"

Sergeant Malvagio kicked him off of her feet and looked at him in disgust. "What are you, a dog?" she spat.

"I can play fetch," King offered.

"As long as my name's not Old Yeller, I can handle being a dog," Mario admitted. "Dogs don't clean latrines."

Goomber nodded and barked like a dog.

"Are we playing a game?" Sledge asked innocently.

"So, you like to play games, do you?" Malvagio said in a quiet, calm voice. It sent shivers down the spines of everyone around her, it was just that inherently creepy.

"Um…yes?" Sledge squeaked, suddenly very unsure of himself.

Malvagio's eyes glinted in a way that foretold great personal pain for the M Squad and said, "I have the perfect game for you to play. Follow me."

The newly doomed squadron half-heartedly started to follow her to whatever torments she had planned. But apparently, she was not pleased with their speed, for she turned and shrieked, "PICK UP THE PACE!!! DOUBLE TIME, YOU BROKEN LEGGED DONKEY TURTLES**!!!"

Everyone in the M Squad, even Mario, gave a started yelp and started moving faster.

* The Flat-Bushed Poppoies are very simple minded and brain dead dandelion-type creatures who were wiped out of existence some three hundred fifty years ago by the Koopa race. The Poppoies' strategy if attacked was to brutally kick their enemies to death. However, since they were basically sentient plants, their legs were roots and were underground. And when a plant's roots are pulled out of the ground to kick people, the plant inevitably dies. So it is no wonder the Flat-Bushed Poppoies are extinct. It's a wonder the species survived as long as it did, which was exactly two and a half minutes.

** A Donkey Turtle is a verrrrrrrrrrrry slow donkey.