Chapter 1

June 23rd, 1867

Every day gets harder and harder to bear. I feel almost as if my heart is being crushed by some unseen weight. I know I cannot remain here for much longer- I will surely die if I do. Everywhere I go- everything I see reminds me of her. But I cannot just leave- not right now. Tomoe has been too kind to me- too caring for me to leave her right now. I know it pains her to have me around, a constant reminder of her husband's death- she knows I am the one who killed him. Yet she cannot seem to abandon me like she probably should. She still holds onto the memory of the man I was a year ago, the man that was happy and in love. She cannot let go of the memory of that man, because if she does, she knows she has lost everything.

She is nursing me slowly back to health- the trip from Kyoto has exhausted my body and my mind. I did not stop to sleep nor eat, too afraid to be discovered by others. I did, however, buy some milk from a street vendor for Kenji. No matter how miserable I am, I cannot allow Kenji to suffer. He is an innocent child- untainted by the stain of blood and despair. And I promised- I promised to save him. My life is solely devoted to saving him and giving him the life he deserves- one free of bloodshed and pain. I only wish Kaoru were here to help me.

She is constantly on my mind- the sole reason for my existence at this point. I know I must live for her- she gave her life to save our child's and mine. I must honor that, despite the fact that I would rather die than live without her. And everyday I wish I could be relieved of this torturous life, but I know I cannot do that to my son. I must survive for his sake.

I suppose I must have looked awful and desperate to Tomoe when I arrived on her doorstep. I was ragged and bloody, injured and dirty. I could barely stand up on my own, I was so weak. And aside from that fact, I held a crying infant in my arms. I had tried to find food for him that day- but I had wandered through the forest blindly, unsure exactly of where I was. When I had broken through the trees, I found myself next to the dirt path leading to the small dojo- that cursed dojo where I had been so happy before. That time seemed so long ago.

I only remember handing Kenji to a surprised Tomoe before collapsing and losing consciousness. After that, I remember waking up inside the dojo, my wounds bandaged. Tomoe sat beside me, holding a sleeping Kenji.

Tomoe still will not let me out of bed, though I have remained on this futon for nearly two weeks now. I am afraid I worry Tomoe immensely, as I do not talk much. When she asks why I am here, why I appeared the way I did, who the child is, and where Kaoru is, I pretend to not hear her. I pretend to sleep. I cannot answer those questions at this point in my life. I cannot and will not. I suppose I am being stubborn and foolish; Tomoe has a right to know. But I cannot bring myself to say that I am here because I have run from the Choshu clan, that I was beaten and bruised because I have wandered through the wilderness for days now without food, that the child is my own son, and that Kaoru is not with me because she is dead.

I have not even given Tomoe Kenji's name- only three words have escaped my lips in the two weeks I have been here. Save him, and Kaoru. The first was when I handed Kenji to her at the dojo gates before I collapsed, the second, a mistake on my part. The first time Tomoe asked where Kaoru was, I simply uttered her name and fell apart. I know Tomoe is extremely anxious; she knows there is something wrong, that something bad has happened to Kaoru. But she does not know what, which I suppose is worse than knowing, because the mind comes up with the worst-case scenarios. Though I cannot imagine anything worse than Kaoru's death.

Since Tomoe does not know Kenji's real name, she has taken to calling him Ken-chan, after me. I can tell that Kenji likes Tomoe very much- she can quiet him in an instant and she knows just what to do to help him. I know I am a bad father for not doing more for him, but I cannot bring myself to get out of bed. I cannot bring myself to try to live. I cannot bring myself to even look at him, for he is a reminder to me of Kaoru. He looks so much like her, only with my hair. His face is hers, and I see her in my mind's eye when I look at him.

How pitiful I am, a father that cannot look at his own son.

"Good morning, Kenshin-san. How are you feeling today?" Tomoe kneeled beside Kenshin's resting body on the futon. His eyes were open, wide and blank. He stared up at the ceiling, not responding to her question. She sighed. She had expected it.

"Let me see that nasty wound you have on your side. I need to change the bandages, Kenshin-san." He did not respond to her demand, so she sighed once more and rolled him to his side herself. He stared expressionlessly at the wall.

Tomoe lifted the hem of his shirt high enough to examine the dressings on his side. When he had arrived at the dojo, he was covered in many cuts and scratches, but this wound was by far the worst. She couldn't imagine why he would possibly have such a large wound in his side. Did he get in a fight? Did he fall on something? Did he do this to himself?

Tomoe removed the bandages and a small smile graced her lips.

"Look here, Kenshin-san. Your wound is getting better. It's healed quite quickly. You'll be up and about in no time. I'll just put some more bandages on this for now, but tomorrow I do not think you will need any." She scanned Kenshin's face for any sign of happiness, but it remained blank. Though she could see a pained look in his eyes; that was the only indication he was even responsive to anything.

A soft crying sounded down the halls, and Tomoe smiled.

"That's little Ken-chan. I'll go get him. He must be hungry. He slept all night last night, you know. You should be proud of the little kid." This brought no response from Kenshin either. Tomoe sighed and left the room quietly.

When the shoji thunked loudly, signaling it was closed, Kenshin turned onto his side and looked at the shoji door. His eyelids drooped and he sighed as sleep overcame him.

June 25th, 1867

Tomoe has finally deemed me healthy enough to leave the room. I am free to wander the silent halls of the dojo. I have often stopped in front of the door to the room Kaoru and I shared a year ago- where Kenji was conceived I suppose. I cannot bring myself to enter the room. I cannot even bring myself to open the door. I simply stand there like a fool and stare at the closed door.

She still will not let me out of the dojo's gates. I think she must fear I will leave and not return. Which, I suppose, makes her right in not letting me out. Because I most likely would not return.

Tomoe must have been a very good wife to Akira- she knows just what to do to take care of things. She has healed me and looked after Kenji, while still keeping up her dojo. She has cancelled her classes for the time being, as she cannot leave Kenji with me to teach. I am useless and cannot take care of my own son.

Tomoe gave me this journal to write down my thoughts and feelings- I suppose to help me get over whatever is ailing me faster. But I know that Kaoru's death is something I can never get over. How does one simply get over the death of half of their soul?

I spoke again to Tomoe today, and my few words brought a smile to her face. It saddens me to know that when I utter a simple word it brings joy to her because she knows I must be getting better. How pathetic. I cannot make her happy because I am not, so she has resorted to being ecstatic about a few words.

It wasn't even much really. She asked how I was doing this morning, which she asks every morning. I normally nod my head silently. But this morning I guess I felt like saying something, so I replied, "Fine."

I guess my 'improvement' was what inspired her to give me an extra helping of breakfast and an allowance to walk around the dojo's courtyard- with supervision, of course. She does not let me sit alone for too long, she is probably afraid that I will try to kill myself or do something drastic. As much as the prospect of death brings relief to me, I cannot do that to Kenji or Kaoru. I promised Kaoru I would make sure Kenji survived. And to do that, I must be alive. Though I am sure he is in good hands with Tomoe.

Near dinnertime, I guess the pressure and anxiety of caring for both Kenji and I got to Tomoe, and she grew angry with me. I expected her to become furious with me long before this, so it was not much of a shock to me. She told me that I needed to stop acting so morosely, and then she corrected herself; morose was not the right word to describe me at the moment- dead was a more correct description. And I suppose she's right. I am an empty shell- devoid of life, feeling, and meaning.

Tomoe hummed to herself as she prepared lunch for the day. Kenji lay on a small blanket she had lain on the floor for him, gurgling happily up at her. She smiled and cooed to him. She heard a quiet shuffling and glanced up towards the doorway to the kitchen.

"Oh, hello, Kenshin-san. How are you feeling this morning?" Kenshin only gave a small nod in her direction before shuffling into the kitchen. He glanced around, almost as if he were lost and trying to find an escape. Tomoe swallowed and put a fake smile on.

"Well, Kenshin-san, Ken-chan here is quite the cutie. Where'd you pick him up, anyways?" Kenshin did not reply, just continued his lost search around the kitchen. Tomoe sighed. She was fairly sure the child was his- after all, how many kids were born with bright red hair? And those eyes- they were Kaoru's. she knew that. However, she wanted Kenshin to tell her who the child's parents were before she blurted it out to him.

"Is there something you're looking for?" she asked kindly, resting a hand on Kenshin's forearm. He flinched at her touch, which surprised her. He hadn't ever reacted that way to her when she touched him before. He was very jumpy and even more distracted than usual today.

"Is something wrong?" she asked worriedly. Kenshin looked at her for a moment, his purple eyes staring widely into hers, before he looked back around the kitchen. He stepped away from her reach and nodded his head to her once before exiting the kitchen.

Tomoe frowned. He had been acting oddly ever since he arrived here, but today was even weirder than usual. She shook her head, dismissing her paranoid thoughts. She was probably just over-examining things because she was worried about him.

Her thoughts drifted to meaningless topics before finally resting on one particularly disturbing thought.

Kenshin had arrived at her dojo with blood all over his clothes. Sure, he had been cut, and some of the blood was his, but she could tell not all of it was. And- he seemed so depressed. There was a constant unspeakable pain present in his eyes whenever she looked into them.

What if… what if…

Her mind was filled with what if's. The only way she would ever reach a conclusion was if Kenshin decided to tell her himself.

The blood… the depression… the pain… the child…

Ken-chan.

And Kaoru was not here. Tomoe shook her head, trying to dispel that particular unpleasant thought. She had to believe Kenshin had not harmed Kaoru in any way. Though it would make sense… it would explain why he was drenched in blood… why he had Ken-chan… why he was hurting so much… No. She had to stop such thoughts.

But he is a manslayer, a part of her reasoned inside her mind. He killed your husband. How do you know he didn't kill Kaoru as well? Tomoe shook her head violently.

"No," she said out loud to finalize her thoughts. I don't believe he killed Kaoru. He would rather die than kill her. Tomoe nodded once, pleased with her own reasoning.

But you know it is a possibility, her mind chastised. Tomoe huffed and picked up Ken-chan, bouncing him gently as she left to find Kenshin.

June 27th, 1867

I spoke to Tomoe today. Not my occasional one word replies, but I actually spoke with her today. She asked me what was wrong- why I was acting the way I was. And I didn't say anything at first. We were sitting on the front steps of her dojo, watching the stars. Kenji was asleep in her room- his room now, too. Tomoe sighed and was about to get up, knowing that I would respond as I normally did. Meaning, I wouldn't. And as I thought that, it made me angry, that she could just automatically guess that I wasn't going to reply, because it was a usual occurrence. And it made me angry that I had allowed myself to fall so far as to not communicating with the one of the two women in this world that knew everything about me. And I grew angry with myself for being so predictable.

So I spoke, and she sat down, and she listened. She didn't get excited that I was talking, she didn't try to calm me down when I became furious, or suddenly sad, she didn't try to stop me when my words became so fast they were almost incoherent. She just sat there and listened to me, and then she held me as I finally cried for my Kaoru.

It all makes sense now, Tomoe thought, watching Kenshin stare at Ken-chan, a strange expression of joy, pain, and love filling his features. Kenshin reached out tentatively to touch Ken-chan's hand. Little Ken-chan grabbed onto Kenshin's finger, eliciting a surprised jump out of Kenshin and a small smile to play on his lips. Kenshin scooted a little closer to his son, the corners of his mouth turned up.

"He likes you, you know," Tomoe finally said, startling Kenshin. Kenshin looked up, his smile a little wider. It looked like his face might crack with the effort- it had been so long since he had smiled. Kenshin turned back to his son and touched Ken-chan's cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth, his brow. As if memorizing his face.

"You are just like your mother, little one," Kenshin whispered softly. Tomoe barely caught his words- they seemed to float away on the wind. But she was immediately saddened by his words.

In the short time she had known Kaoru, she had liked her very much. She was a naturally conversational and friendly person. How could anyone not love her? Even the infamous Battousai had fallen for her.

And now look at him, Tomoe thought forlornly. Now he is as lost as someone at sea. He does not know what to do with his life, now that Kaoru has left him alone to take care of their son.

Tomoe wrapped her arms around herself to fight off the chill from the air.

"It's getting chilly, Kenshin-san. You should probably bring Ken-chan inside so he doesn't get a cold." Kenshin looked up, his eyebrows raised.

"Me?" he asked hesitantly. He looked back at the small baby and then to Tomoe, his eyes pleading. "But what if I drop him? What if I hurt him? Tomoe- what if I-"

"Calm down, I'll show you how to hold him," Tomoe cut him off. She knew he could go on and on with a list of reasons why he was not good enough for something. Tomoe stood up from the steps of the dojo and helped Kenshin put his arms in the right position to cradle Ken-chan. Then she picked up the small baby and gently deposited him in Kenshin's arms. Kenshin seemed afraid at first, but then a smile slowly crept to his lips.

"This isn't so bad," he commented. Tomoe patted his shoulder gently, chuckling to herself.

"Goodness, Kenshin-san. One would think you had never even held a child before," she reprimanded. Kenshin glanced away, and Tomoe immediately bit her tongue. He probably never had held a child before, not until Ken-chan was born. He was a manslayer, after all. His line of work didn't deal with children.

"Um… let's get Ken-chan inside before he catches an illness. Come on, Kenshin-san." Kenshin carefully followed Tomoe into the dojo, smiling down at the little baby in his arms. Tomoe felt her heart warm as she watched the two of them. Ken-chan reached up and swatted Kenshin's nose. Kenshin pulled his head back quickly, and then chuckled. It was the first time Tomoe had heard Kenshin laugh since he had arrived here.

Things are going to be okay, she thought.

June 29th, 1867

Things are much happier around the dojo now that I have told Tomoe of the events leading up to Kaoru's death. When I first told her that Kaoru was dead- that she wasn't coming back, Tomoe cried and kept to her room just as I had. She remained in her room for a day, and I was left to care for Kenji. I am a pathetic excuse for a father. I once heard someone say that anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. I am no dad. I know that. But I am a father- and I will try to take care of my son. I am afraid that Kenji did a lot more crying than usual that day that Tomoe stayed in her room.

But after that day, I suppose the guilt of leaving Kenji with me grew too much, and she emerged from her room. She took care of Kenji, but so did I, for the first time. We worked together to raise my son.

Things are definitely much brighter, but only on the outside. The dojo seems like a happy, functional home with cheerful children arriving every day for their lessons. But on the inside, I know I am still dying. I know I am falling farther and farther away from myself with every minute, with every tick of the clock. And Tomoe suffers too; she suffers from the burden of knowing what has transpired, she suffers from caring for the widowed father of a deceased friend, from caring for the motherless child left behind. She still suffers from the death of her husband, and she suffers from the knowledge that I am the cause of her suffering.

The world is a bleak and miserable place inside this little dojo. And no amount of fake cheeriness can help it.

June 30th, 1867

I wandered around town today. It was entirely uneventful, except for the fact that Tomoe let me leave at all. I suppose my talking, no matter how dead and uninteresting it is, has boosted her confidence in my mental stability. I left her with Kenji and walked around the little town, watching people go about their daily lives. At one point I just sat down by the small seaport on a stone wall and watched people passing by.

It amazes me at how well humans remember things. I had several people come up to me and tell me they remembered me saving Tomoe from the foreign men last year. They always thanked me and asked how I was doing. I just lied a lot.

Some even remembered that I had married during my stay in Tokyo. They asked how we were doing. I avoided answering by saying I had a son now. They seemed to take that as confirmation that we were happy. I assume one of us is.

I eventually came back to the dojo as the sun was setting. Tomoe seemed visibly relieved that I had come back. I'm sure she had fretted the entire day about whether or not she was now the sole guardian of Kenji.

July 15th, 1867

I go to town every day now. The townspeople know to expect me sitting on the stone wall daily. Some bring me food around noontime. Other stop by merely to chat. Most know that I don't provide much conversation.

Tomoe has told several people not to bother me with personal questions. I have heard several visitors at night asking about my lack of social interest. Tomoe only replied that I was going through a rough time, and not to bother me too much with personal matters. Light banter and surface chatter were fine, but nothing too deep.

So every day, I sit on the wall, and a few people come sit beside me, providing careless conversation. It usually focuses on what's going on with the people in town, who just moved in, who's planning on moving out, stupid things that mean nothing. It helps me to keep my mind off of Kaoru, and I am thankful to these people.

One of the regular people to visit me is a woman by the name of Yuki. She brings me lunch and sits by me every day for a half hour, talking non-stop and expecting no reply from me. I always greet her and say goodbye, but she knows that any other conversation must be done on her part.

Sometimes she talks about her own personal problems. I suppose she feels that by talking to me, she can tell someone and be sure it won't go around. She knows I will not tell others, because I do not talk to others. She knows I will not bother her about it later, because I do not talk to her. I am simply a listening figure, something she can vent to and know it won't spread around town.

Several other people in town have discovered that I am a good person to go to when they need to simply tell someone something. Which means that out of everyone in town, I know the most about everyone else, though I do not ask questions, and I do not tell others. If anyone were to ask if Takasugi really goes every Friday night to gamble, I could tell them that Takasugi hasn't gambled once in his life, he really goes to the geisha house every Friday night to visit a woman by the name of Yuri. And if someone were to question as to why Saitoh leaves town every weekend, I could tell them that he goes to a small town nearby to visit his sick mother, but he doesn't want anyone to know that because it would ruin his cold appearance. And Anji doesn't really go to fight in the rings in different towns; he really goes to the same town every time to visit his wife that no one knows about. But I don't tell anyone that. Because I don't speak to them. I simply store away all of their secrets into little files in my mind, so that I might bring them up for reference later on when I need a distraction to keep my thoughts from Kaoru.

I've gotten very good at distracting myself throughout the day. But when I am alone at night in the dark, that's when the thoughts of Kaoru consume me and tear me apart.

July 31st, 1867

Kenji has grown quite a bit. He is nearly two months old now. Tomoe loves him like he were her own, which is exactly what I wanted. I am sure she will take good care of him. She still calls him Ken-chan, even though she knows his real name. She says it's her little nickname for him. I see how much she loves him. She once told me as we sat on the front steps of the dojo that she had always wanted a child, but Akira had left for Kyoto before he could give her one. She said that she didn't want that to weigh on my conscious, but that she wanted me to understand that Kenji felt like a son to her, since she had none of her own. And though I know she was not implying that it was my fault she had no child of her own, I know it is. I know she does not hold me responsible for it, but I do. I am the cause of Akira's death, and it is my fault Tomoe must resort to mothering someone else's child in order to feel like a mother.

And because I know that she loves Kenji more than anything else at this point, I know he will be safe in her hands. Which is why I arose early this morning and left a small note in the kitchen for Tomoe, thanking her for her hospitality and asking that she please raise Kenji to be a good child in my absence. Then I took my belongings and left, walking down the small dirt road, away from the town this time, into the forest. As I walked, I thought of Yuki and how she would arrive at the stone wall, ready with lunch for the both of us and something new to tell me, but I would not be there. And then Anji would come, weary after his travels as it was a Monday and he would have walked all night to return to town. He would come to the wall to find it unusually empty, with no one there to listen to his happy stories of the time he spent with his wife.

And Saitoh would not have anyone to listen to how his mother's illness was getting worse and worse, and how much he worried for her. And Takasugi would have no one to tell about his Friday night visiting his childhood friend at the geisha house. How he wished he could tell others that he only went to talk to her because she was lonely in that geisha house, but because she was a geisha, it was improper for him to visit her.

All of these people would arrive at the stone wall, expecting a silent, red-haired man to be sitting there, waiting to listen to their stories, only to find it empty. And then they would worry, coming to visit Tomoe. And if Tomoe had not realized I was gone by then, she would have the displeasure of being informed that I was missing. Then she would find the note, and she would curse me silently for leaving her with my son to take care of on her own.

But I held my head up high and walked down the dirt road, towards another town, where there would be no reminders of my Kaoru; my happiness and misery.