Chapter 2

"Kenshin! Breakfast is ready!" Tomoe called from the kitchen. She balanced Ken-chan on one hip while she carried a tray of food to the small table in the next room. She frowned. Kenshin never kept her waiting like that.

"Kenshin!" she called again. There was no response. Tomoe's heart clenched painfully in her chest and she went out into the dojo's yard, expecting to see him there.

"Kenshin?" He wasn't there. Tomeo ran back inside the house and to his room. She slid open the shoji door and tears sprang to her eyes. His futon was neatly rolled up and all his belongings gone. Tomoe sniffed and returned to the small table with the food. She set Ken-chan down beside her and picked up her chopsticks, her chin raised defiantly. She would not break down. She lifted the bowl of rice and retrieved a few grains with he chopsticks and brought them up to her lips. But before they could enter her mouth, she dropped the chopsticks to the floor, the rice bowl following not soon after. She hugged herself and hunched over, willing the pain to go away. A tear escaped her eye as her shoulders heaved with sobs.

Kenshin had left her. She was alone again.

"Excuse me, Tomoe-san. Is Kenshin-san here?" Tomoe looked sadly at the woman before her. She didn't really know her, but she was pretty sure the woman's name started with a Y.

"Uh… no… he's not, actually. May I help you?" The woman frowned.

"Oh, no, that's okay. I'm Yuki, by the way. It's just- normally Kenshin-san is sitting on that little stone wall in town, and I go talk to him everyday. But he wasn't there today, so I wondered if something was wrong." Tomoe swallowed painfully and shifted Ken-chan in her arms.

"Kenshin-san has left for a little while, to help- help-" Tomoe couldn't think of anything she might say. "Well, to collect his thoughts. He has been having a hard time lately, and he just needed to get away for a while. I'm sure he'll be back soon. I am sorry if it inconvenienced you." Yuki shook her head happily.

"Oh no, not at all. I will miss my talks with him, of course, but I am glad he is finally taking some time to help himself. Oh, what a cute baby!" Yuki exclaimed, finally seeming to notice Ken-chan in Tomoe's arms.

"Is he yours?" she asked curiously. "Kenshin-san must be the father- how often do you see people with hair like that?" she laughed. Tomoe smiled.

"Yes, this is little Kenji. Kenshin-san's son. He is not mine, though." Yuki frowned.

"Oh? Whose is he, then?" Tomoe shifted uncomfortably.

"Um… Kenshin's- wife's." Yuki's eyes widened.

"I did not know he had a wife. I assumed that if he did, it was you." Tomoe shook her head vehemently.

"No."

"Then where is this wife of his?" Tomoe bit her lip.

"She- she's deceased." Yuki seemed to freeze for a moment before looking extremely embarrassed.

"Oh," she said softly. "Oh, I never knew. I'm so sorry. If you see Kenshin-san again, tell him that for me, will you? I knew he was suffering from something, but I never thought it would be anything like that."

"I will tell him when I see him again."

"Thank you, Tomoe-san." Yuki bowed and left. Tomoe sighed and looked at little Kenji.

"Well, Ken-chan, what shall we do today?" Kenji gurgled adorably, making Tomoe laugh. Her laughter died quickly, however, with the weight of the day's events. She shook her head sadly with a sigh.

"I don't know what to do either," she whispered. Then she shut the door behind her and rested in the seclusion of her home.

August 24th, 1867

I have been wandering for nearly a month now, and no matter how far I go or where I stay, I cannot escape the torture inside of me. It follows me everywhere, constantly on my mind. My wife's death. My orphaned child. Akira's death. So many other's deaths. All of it was my fault. Every single one of those things was because of me. Had Kaoru never been assigned to me, had I never saved her from Shinomori, we would have never had Kenji. I would have never met Tomoe, I would not know who Akira was. I would not feel such guilt for killing him. I would not feel guilty now for the death of my loved one. I would not feel guilty for the unhappiness of thousands. I am a monster, a cold, uncaring, inhumane beast. And no matter where I go, I cannot escape it.

September 14th, 1867

I stopped in a small seaport this weekend and stayed in an abandoned fisherman's home. There were some holes in the roof, but I patched them up quickly. I discovered that fixing up the home actually brought some excitement into my bleak existence. I looked forward to seeing the end product, of doing something good with my hands.

Every day I look out at the ocean and stare at the violent grey water, tossing small ships in the distance with its waves. And I know on the inside, I am like those ships, the small sailboats, lost in the waves.

I feel much more calm in this home by the sea. Not many people in town know that I am actually living out here. The few who do know enough not to say anything. I go into town occasionally, but not often; only to buy food and supplies to last me for another few weeks. I enjoy the company of the salty air, the sound of the ocean, and the comfort of my little home. And though I am alone, I am finally more at peace with myself.

October 28th, 1867

I am slowly coming to a realization about many things. I can now think about Kaoru without falling to pieces inside; the memory of her hurts, but it is bearable now. And now that I am not so opposed to thinking about her, I have discovered some things about myself that she had always tried to tell me all along.

All of my life I have hated myself and what I am. I hated being the little slave, I hated being the slave that was responsible for the death of his brother. I hated being the slave that was unnaturally skilled with a sword. Then I hated being the fifteen-year-old assassin. I hated being the Battousai. I hated being the most feared man in the world that no one really knew except for those in the Choshu clan. I hated being alone.

And then I was assigned to a rescue mission- a first in my life. I had never saved anyone before. I had never been assigned to keep someone alive. And I saved Kaoru from Shinomori Aoshi.

And then I hated the way she looked at me- how when she first discovered who I was, she hated me. How I could see the revulsion in her eyes- the disgust at having to work with me. And then slowly as we grew to know each other, I hated the way I felt around her. I hated how disgusting and unclean I felt around her. She was so innocent, beautiful, and untainted by the blood and misery in life. And here I was, the perfect example of everyone's worst nightmare.

I hated how she looked at me then, too. I hated how I could see the pity and the pain behind her eyes, because she knew I was suffering. And I hated myself for causing her pain.

But I also loved the way she laughed. I loved her bright, shining, sapphire eyes. I loved her raven black hair that shone in the light. I loved how I could see her emotions and thoughts behind her eyes- how I could see how much she truly cared. I loved the way she made me feel sometimes, as if nothing mattered except for the two of us. How she took my mind away from the world into her own little universe, where nothing and nobody held any importance. I loved how she treated me like she would treat anybody else. And I loved it.

But then I hated myself again- hated how I had allowed her to get so attached to me as to marry me. I hated how I had brought her down to my level- how I had indefinitely put her in the same category as me- someone to be feared. I hated how pure and innocent she was, yet she still wanted to be with someone as monstrous as me.

I hated the way I felt about her. I hated that I had allowed myself to love someone. I hated that I had allowed her to break down my wall of ice and see the person inside. I hated how she was killed in order to save our child and me. I hated how I had caused the sole happiness in my life to come to an end. I hated how weak I was. So I ran, like a coward, and I hated myself for being a coward. And then I hated myself for burdening Tomoe. I hated that I wasn't a good father. I hated that I couldn't seem to do anything right. So I ran again, like a coward, and I hated myself even more for running a second time. And I hated myself for the longest time.

But now I realize that I don't hate myself, not really. I don't hate the person I am- because that is the person Kaoru loved. And Kaoru was a smart, wonderful, intelligent woman who would not have fallen for a monster, that I am sure of. Which means that I can't truly have been as awful as I always thought.

And that thought led me to the conclusion that though I had always hated myself, I hated myself for things I could not help. And I hated myself for entirely wrong reasons. If I were to hate myself, I should hate myself because of what I felt, and what I thought. But I have realized that I am not as bad as I have always thought. I am not as awful and terrible and horrifying as I always believed. I feel guilty, which means I cannot be truly as bad as I believed. For if I didn't feel guilt, I would not care, and if I did not care, then would I truly be a monster.

Which, I've decided, is exactly what Kaoru tried to tell me all along. She always told me that the Battousai and Kenshin were two different people- that the Battousai was not me. And I never really believed her. But now I am starting to. The Battousai was not truly me. And Kaoru always told me to stop blaming myself for things I could not help. She told me I should love the respectable, loving, kind man I was. And I never believed her. But now that she's gone, I am starting to believe her. And I don't hate myself anymore.

November 11th, 1867

The wind is much colder, but I have successfully patched up all the holes in the small fisherman's home. I mostly stay indoors now, sitting and thinking. I do a lot of thinking now. More than I had ever thought I would.

Mostly I think of Kaoru. I think of the times we spent together, the things she said, and even simple things that don't mean much, like how her hair blew in the breeze, how her bright blue eyes twinkled in the moonlight, how her face would light up and she'd smile brightly at me over the tiniest things. I watched all of these scenes unfold in my mind.

Other times I would think about myself. I had decided I didn't hate myself anymore, but I didn't exactly love myself either. I still hated things I had done, and nothing could change that. I just could not see how I could love myself.

I thought a lot about Kenji and Tomoe, too. I wondered how they were doing now. I felt guilty about leaving them so suddenly, but I was sure Kenji was safe in Tomoe's hands. And I felt sorry for Tomoe that I had left her to look after my child. But I could not go back. No matter how much I missed them or felt guilty, I could not go back. Because no matter how much I missed Kaoru, she would not come back, and Edo held too many reminders of her.

December 12th, 1867

The winter is harsh this year, and I spend most of my time huddled under a blanket in front of the fireplace inside this small home. And I think. I am always thinking now.

I still miss Kaoru greatly. I don't think that will ever change. I still feel empty, as if her death took away half of me. And that will never change. And no matter how much I think of her, or tell myself that it's been nearly eight months now, I cannot stop the pain and the sadness from overwhelming me.

And today, of all days, is hardest of all on me so far, because today is a reminder of Kaoru. Today she would have turned 19.

January 17th, 1868

It has been nearly five months now since I left Edo. This home has helped me immensely, though I don't quite know why. Probably because I am so isolated from the town and its people. There is nothing but me and the waves of the ocean. I can be alone to sit and think.

I've recently realized something that lessens the pain of Kaoru's death. She used to tell me that she was not from this time- that she was really born in the year 2000 and she had no idea how she had ended up in 1866. She said she lived in America, and she told me about the technological advances. Most of it seemed entirely impossible to me, but the things she came up with were so complex and imaginative that I do not doubt she was from a different time. She knew things she shouldn't, and said she had read them, when she shouldn't have.

She also once said that she wasn't sure how she would return home, or if she ever would. I can only hope that her life did not end when she died here, in Japan, but that she returned to her own time, in America. And if that were so, then I hope someday she will be able to find one of our descendants. And I hope she will know that I did manage to save Kenji, though I was not able to help him grow.

Knowing that she is probably still alive in a different time brings comfort to me. The world should not be denied her happiness and warmth.

February 15th, 1868

Each day passes by slowly, but pass it does. Since my realization that Kaoru's life had perhaps not ended that night in Kyoto, I have begun to wonder what she will do or is doing back in her own time. It is hard for me to imagine. I wonder if she is sad she had to return, or if she is happy to be with her family again. I think she knew she would be returning to her own time that night, which is why she sacrificed herself for Kenji and I. I think she knew she wouldn't really die.

I wonder a lot now. I don't dwell on the past so much anymore. I only think about the future. I wonder what Kaoru is doing back at home. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she's sad that she won't get to see our child grow. I wonder if she's happy.

I also wonder if she will meet someone else. I suppose it is selfish of me to not want her to marry someone in her own time, but she is only 18. Well, assuming her time is the same as mine, she would be 19 now. She has her entire life ahead of her. And the more I think about it, the more I do want her to marry a man from her time. I want her to be happy, and I want her to be able to have children in her own time, children she can watch grow and learn. Even though I would like for her to only be with me, I realize that fate would have it otherwise. Maybe she was not supposed to belong to me. But perhaps she was. For if she didn't, Kenji would not have come into existence. And I am assuming that any further descendants he might have would not exist either. But perhaps Kaoru was not meant to stay here for very long- maybe she was meant to only belong to me for a short period of time. And though that period of time was brief, I will always cherish it, because that was the happiest point in my life. She was the dawn in my night. The light in my darkness.

So I suppose I really do want her to find another man for her to spend the rest of her life with, because although I will always love her, I cannot be with her for the rest of her life. I suppose where she is now, I am already dead. Two people from different times were just not meant to be, I guess. But I am glad that we were married for the brief moment of time. And now I want her to have that same happiness with someone who can give it to her for the rest of her life. Because that is what she deserves.

March 25th, 1868

I firmly believe that Kaoru is back in her own time, which lifts a heavy weight off my heart. At first I was unsure, but now I am positive. I don't know what drew me to the conclusion that she definitely is back where she belongs, but my mind has decided on that. And though I miss her terribly, it is not as bad as if she had died. Though the absence is still the same.

I think a lot about Kenji and Tomoe now. More than anything else, besides Kaoru, of course. I wonder what Kenji looks like now, how big he is, and if he's healthy or not. I wonder if he can talk or walk. It's been about six months now.

And I worry about Tomoe. She is a single woman who lives alone with someone else's child. Her only income is from the few students she has at her dojo, but I am not sure how she teaches when she has Kenji with her now. I feel extremely bad for leaving her alone, but I could not stay there any longer. Not if I wanted to live any longer.

I wonder how she is doing- if she has gotten over the deaths of Akira and Kaoru. If she is happy with Kenji. Whether she still calls him Ken-chan. I wonder all the time.

"Happy birthday, to you… happy birthday to you… happy birthday dear Ken-chan… happy birthday to you!" Kenji smiled at the little flames of fire on top of the candles. Tomoe smiled and blew on the candles, extinguishing them. Kenji laughed and clapped his hands.

"Yay, Ken-chan!" Yuki clapped, kissing the top of Kenji's head. Tomoe smiled at the kind woman. Ever since Kenshin's disappearance, Yuki had been kind enough to come help take care of Kenji every day so that Tomoe could teach her students at the dojo. Yuki had grown to love Kenji as a son as well.

"A year old! You make me feel old, kid!" Anji said, patting Kenji's head. Kenji laughed and reached towards the cake.

"Ah, ah, ah," Tomoe chided, pulling the cake away from him. "We have to cut it, Ken-chan. Then you can have some." She cut slices for everyone and put Kenji's plate in front of him at the table.

"There you go, Ken-chan." Kenji laughed and clapped, then reached forward with his hand, grabbing a fistful of the rich cake. Then he smashed it in his face. Everyone laughed, and Anji even fell off his chair. Tomoe gazed around the room. She had come to love all of these people. There was Anji, who had taken a liking to Kenji the moment he saw him. Yuki was the biggest help of all. Then there was Enishi. He had gotten into a fight outside her dojo and been knocked out. She brought him in and nursed him back to health and he visited her regularly, playing with Kenji. Kenji loved Enishi more than any of the others. Whenever Enishi came, Kenji lit up and started laughing.

Takasugi was also there- all these people that Kenshin had helped in some way, even though he probably didn't know it. Takasugi told Tomoe of his visits to the geisha house, and how Kenshin had kept them a secret for him.

"Here, kiddo, let's clean you up," Yuki said in a motherly voice, wiping Kenji's face clean of the cake. He squealed and mashed his hand into the cake again, smearing it all over Yuki's face. Yuki froze and the room burst into laughter again. Even Tomoe chuckled- something she had rarely done lately.

"Here," Tomoe said, handing Yuki a towel to clean her face off with. Yuki took it gratefully while the rest of the room still roared with laughter.

Tomoe smiled in spite of herself. These people helped her more than they could ever know. And Kenji- well, he was just a blessing in her life. She only hoped that Kenshin was safe and he'd return one day to see his son. She wasn't sure what she'd do when Kenji was old enough to realize his home life wasn't normal.

April 29th, 1868

I finally left that small fisherman's home and moved on. I decided I had stayed there for too long. I was sad to be leaving- I had spent so much time fixing it up, and then so much time staying in it. But I was growing restless and I needed to move on.

I ended up in a small town close by. I am currently staying in a lodge where several other wanderers are resting. I am still hesitant about talking with others, and my social skills are rusty. But I am working on them. The more time I spend in town here, the easier it becomes to talk to the people.

May 23rd, 1869

It's now been two years since I left Edo. I feel guilty for leaving them of course, but I just can't bring myself to return.

"Ken-chan! Watch out for that-" Tomoe winced as Kenji ran straight into the tree. She chuckled to herself and quickly ran to his side, helping him to his feet. "Are you okay?" she asked seriously. Kenji nodded and gave her a big grin.

"I wan!" he said excitedly. Tomoe laughed.

"Yes you did. You ran, and straight into that tree!" she tickled Kenji until he fell down, his sweet laughter filling the dojo yard.

"Hey, is that my Kenji I hear being tortured?" Tomoe glanced up and smiled. Kenji quickly got to his feet, squealing with excitement.

"Eni!" he exclaimed. He reached out to hug Enishi's leg, but Enishi lifted him up and tossed him into the air. Kenji squealed in delight and laughed uncontrollably.

"Hello, Enishi," Tomoe greeted him, getting to her feet. Enishi grinned at her.

"Hey, missy. How ya doing?" Tomoe shrugged.

"Today's a little slow for me, Enishi," she admitted. She figured there was no use in hiding it from him- he could always sense something was wrong. Enishi caught Kenji and shifted him to his side. Kenji protested this and started beating on his shoulder.

"Up! Up!" he demanded. Enishi ignored him.

"What's up?" he asked kindly. Tomoe walked over to the dojo steps and sat down. Enishi followed and set Kenji down. Kenji pouted, but when he realized that wasn't going to do anything, he left to chase a butterfly. Enishi sat next to Tomoe and they watched Kenji silently for a moment.

"I just can't stop thinking about him," Tomoe sighed. "I never know if he's all right, or if he's hurt- or if he's even coming back. It's been two years now, Enishi. Who's to say he'll ever come back?" Enishi sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"Kenshin, right?" Tomoe nodded. "Well, I don't personally know the guy, but from what you've told me, he sounds like a responsible person that cares about others. He'll come back. Eventually the guilt will be too much. He'll come back." Tomoe shook her head sadly.

"But when will that be, Enishi? Before we know it, Kenji's going to play with the other children and he'll realize that all those kids have a mom and a dad. And then he'll start asking why he doesn't have that mom and dad. He'll ask why he has two women and three men looking after him. How am I supposed to answer that, Enishi? I don't want to. I don't want to be the one to tell Kenji that his mother is dead and his father left. He'll be so devastated to know that his own father just left him here."

Enishi remained quiet for a moment before responding. They both watched Kenji run after the butterfly and trip over an invisible root.

"Maybe you won't have to," Enishi said softly. "You never know. Don't worry about it until the time comes. I'm sure this Kenshin fellow will return. No father can stay away for that long." Tomoe shook her head sadly.

"I'm sure he misses him, but the pain of being here is too strong for him, Enishi. That could keep him away forever." Enishi had no response to this, so they resigned themselves to watching Kenji give up on the butterfly and chase a grasshopper.