Chapter 4

August 10th, 1874

Though my life is much brighter now that I am reunited with Kenji and Tomoe, I am still suffering on the inside, and I know Tomoe can see it. I do not leave the dojo much anymore- occasionally I visit the stone wall and sometimes see Yuki or Anji. They always stop to chat on the days I am there. But mostly I stay inside the dojo grounds, where I do not remember everything Kaoru and I did together in Edo. I am still plagued by memories of times in the dojo together, but they are far fewer than the time we spent outdoors. By remaining inside, I limit the number of places that will bring back those painfully sweet memories. I mostly play with Kenji or help Tomoe around the home.

I help teach her kendo lessons at the dojo now to give her a break occasionally. Since abandoning my hitokiri ways, I have taken to carrying a reverse-blade sword with me. I have resolved to never kill another human being, and by carrying this sword, I can protect those I love while still keeping my vow. Just what Kaoru said the sword should be used for- protection. So now I have taken to teaching the young children who come to learn the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, the sword that protects. I hope that Kaoru would approve if she could see me now.

People around town have begun to talk. At first people accepted the fact that my son and I were living with Tomoe. They knew I was a wounded, battered man with nowhere to stay. They even welcomed the fact that Tomoe had been kind enough to provide me with shelter and help care for my infant child while I could not. And then during my disappearance, they understood Tomoe's kindness in keeping my child, in caring for him and raising him. And once I returned, people sympathized with the broken man I was, returning finally for his son.

But now it has been quite some time since I have returned, and people have begun to talk. It is improper, they say, that a widowed man with a young child and a widowed woman should live together under the same roof. They talk of scandal and outrage, though I personally do not care. I am beyond caring what the people around me think.

But I can tell that the stress is hard on Tomoe. I see how she holds her head high, chin raised defiantly, ignoring the stares and the whispers of the people as we walk through the town. But I see the pain in her eyes; the hurt that these people could believe such things about her. I know she suffers from it, but she is simply too kind-hearted to force us out of her dojo. So she bears it silently, a constant burden on her shoulders, a price she must pay for allowing us to stay in her home.

And though I feel terrible for remaining in her household and causing these rumors, I know there is no way I could possibly ever leave.

September 14th, 1874

The rumors have gotten worse, and I sometimes hear Tomoe crying at night when she thinks I am asleep. Sometimes I hear the door to Kenji's room slide open and I hear the soft patter of his tiny feet on the wooden floor as he passes my room and enters Tomoe's. And I hear him ask her if she is okay. She usually replies she is fine, just happy he is here. Kenji always seems to accept that answer, and after a hug, Kenji pads down the hall to his room. Sometimes he stops by my room and peeks his little head in, whispering to me in the dark.

"Dad!" he'll sometimes say. "Tomoe's crying. You should help her." And I always reassure Kenji I will, and I listen to his bedroom door slide shut, before lying awake on my futon for the rest of the night, listening to the quiet sobs coming from the room beside me.

Just yesterday, Tomoe, Kenji, and I went to town to buy groceries and get something for Kenji to entertain himself with. As we were walking down the street, Tomoe and I each holding one of Kenji's hands as he walked between us, we could hear the whispers and feel the stares of the people watching us as we passed. As Tomoe left us to buy the groceries, I lifted Kenji and sat him on my stone wall, sitting beside him. It still amazes me how quickly he grows. He is now seven years old. We sat on that wall and I talked to him, telling him how I used to sit on this wall every day and listen to the people passing by when he was just a little baby.

A woman I knew named Sayuri passed by then and saw the two of us sitting on the wall. She stopped her daily routine and wandered over to us, smiling warmly at Kenji.

"So this is your son?" she asked curiously, for not many people had seen Kenji and I together before.

"Yes," I replied. Sayuri bent over to look at Kenji at eye level.

"Hi," he greeted her. She smiled at him.

"I see no resemblance of Tomoe in him," she pointed out. I was momentarily shocked to the point that I could not think of a response. By the time I had managed to gain control of my voice, Sayuri had left. I realized what some people must have thought, how the rumors and false assumptions had started. Someone must have thought Kenji was not just my child, but also Tomoe's. Kenji had been little enough when I arrived that many did not know of him. And whenever the people in the towns saw Kenji later on, he was always with Tomoe.

Tomoe returned then, with tears in her eyes and clutching her bags of food to her tightly.

"Kenshin," she had said quietly, "Can we go back to the dojo now?" Her voice was so full of pain and so pleading that I could not say no. I had to apologize to Kenji for not buying him something, but Tomoe needed to get back to the dojo to do some important work. Kenji agreed disappointedly, but he did not complain. We walked back to the dojo, people staring at us blatantly along the way.

That night, I was sitting on the front steps of the dojo, and Tomoe joined me, holding a cup of tea in her hands. She sipped it quietly as we both looked out at the stars.

"Kenshin," she had whispered, still staring at the specks of light in the darkness above us, "Today in town- the people think Kenji is my child." I had simply nodded, knowing she had more to say. "I have told those who have asked me the truth- that I am simply giving you and your son shelter- that he is not mine and we have no secret relationship- but I am afraid the rumors have grown too much that it is not widely believed among the townspeople." With a great sigh, she had turned to me, her eyes glistening with tears. I noticed then how big her brown eyes were- how innocent and unscarred by the horrors of the world.

"Kenshin, I don't know if I can take the gossip much longer. You know I love having you here, but it is growing too much. If people were simply saying things, I would not mind, but they have been harassing me lately, always shoving me and telling me I should be in the geisha house since I love to cater to men." She shuddered and hugged her arms around herself.

"I cannot take the abuse any longer, Kenshin. But I do not know how to stop it. If you leave, people will simply say we did not like people talking, and that is all. The rumors will still continue. But if you stay- people will still believe we are together and that Kenji is my child. I just do not know what to do."

I knew she was right, and I did not know what to do either.

"Tomoe-san, why don't you come with me? I could show you a good time…"

"Yeah, Tomoe-san, why stay holed up with that feminine guy? Why don't you spend some time with real men…"

"Hey, how's that kid of yours? I hear he looks just like his slutty mother…" Tomoe bit her lip and held her head high as she walked down the street of the town. She clutched her bundles of food closely to her, her fingers gripping the paper packaging tightly.

"Hey, we're talking to you. Think you're too good for us, eh?" Tomoe turned her head away from the repulsive men that were following her. She felt one of them shove her from behind. Instead of protesting, she simply regained her footing and quickened her pace.

"Why are you running away, Tomoe-san?" they mocked her. "Come on… there must be something nice under that kimono of yours for you to be able to keep that man in your dojo for so long…" A tear slipped down Tomoe's cheek.

A harsh hand gripped her arm and yanked her around to face her assailant. She raised her chin defiantly and glared at the large man. No matter how skilled she was, she knew she could never get rid of a man this large. The man leered at her.

"Come on, Tomoe-san, just a little fun," he teased, tugging on the shoulders of her kimono. She shivered as she felt the wind brush across her exposed skin.

The other men laughed at her discomfort. The man reached behind her to untie her obi. Tomoe stepped back and tried to jerk her arm out of his grasp.

"Fiesty, eh? I like 'em feisty." Tomoe struggled to free herself from the man's grasp, but he was very strong.

"Please," she pleaded. "Let me go." The man laughed at her desperate tone.

"I don't think I will. I want you to show me how good you are." Tomoe's tears streamed relentlessly down her cheeks.

"Please," she whispered. The man continued to try to remove her kimono. "Let me go!" she shouted.

The other men circled in on her. She dropped the purchased food from the town and lashed out at them. She kicked and hit them, but to no avail. Her fist managed to land on one of the men's faces, giving him a black eye.

"Why you little…" he growled. He reached out and punched her in the stomach. She doubled over, coughing harshly. Before she could escape, the men ganged up on her and beat her. She felt their fists and their feet every time they connected painfully. She wished someone would happen by and save her.

She closed her eyes tightly, willing the pain to go away. The men laughed as they beat her.

All of a sudden, she gasped and opened her eyes widely before squeezing them shut again. One of the men had managed to rip her kimono, revealing her pale skin in the sunlight. The men laughed.

"Come on," one of them said. "She's not putting up a fight anymore. This isn't any fun." The men agreed and with one last kick to her side, they left. Tomoe lie motionless in the dirt until she was sure they were gone. Then she tried to lift herself off the ground, but collapsed on her weak arms. She shivered and coughed up blood. Every inch of her hurt- not to mention her pride. She let out a strangled cry as she tried to cover herself with her tattered kimono. She unsteadily got to her feet, clinging to a nearby tree. Once her legs stopped shaking so she could walk, she set out towards the dojo.

She stumbled as she walked, staggering in her pain. She hugged her arms around herself and hunched over- that position seemed to relieve some of the pain in her chest, not to mention it covered her up better than if she stood upright. She fell often when she tripped over unseen roots or rocks. There was no one on the road to help her.

She glanced up to see where she was and was relieved to see the dojo gates drawing nearer. When she finally stumbled up to them, she grasped the gate in her hands, using it to support her.

"Ken- Kenshin," she croaked. Kenshin was playing with Kenji and Enishi in the yard. Kenshin looked up, his happy expression quickly changing to anger and shock.

"Tomoe?" he asked, getting up and running towards her. Tomoe felt her body growing heavy. Blackness edged in around her vision.

"I can't do this anymore," she whispered and collapsed before Kenshin could reach her.

February 17th, 1875

Tomoe and I found a solution to stop the rumors. Tomoe endured much more verbal and unfortunately, physical abuse at my expense for allowing me to remain under her roof. When she had returned to the dojo bruised and barely able to support herself, I knew I must do something to help. And so I tried to think of any possible way the people would accept the fact that Tomoe was allowing me to board in her dojo. I only came up with one solution.

So Tomoe and I were married on January 5th, 1875. Neither of us really love each other romantically, but we know that it is the only way the people will leave her alone. We still sleep in separate bedrooms and we do not act as a married couple might. We are simply married by name, but not by action. Once the people heard of our marriage, the rumors and abuse died down. Slowly- but die down it did. Tomoe can now walk through the town without fearing for her health, and I can rest easy knowing I will not be the cause of her harm. People accept that we live together now.

Kenji is eight, almost nine, and growing rapidly. His progress astounds me- it always amazes me how much he picks up from listening to people talk or simply by watching things. He is very observant, and he is a sweet, innocent child. I love him dearly, with all of my heart. He is the one thing I cherish in this life now.

May 19th, 1875

It sometimes astounds me, yet sometimes seems to throw me off-balance, how different my life is from eight years ago. Nearly eight years ago people feared to look me in the eye, other than Kaoru and Katsura. Eight years ago I caused the nightmares of not only little children, but full-grown adults, too. Eight years ago, only three people knew my real name. Eight years ago I was an assassin, cold, heartless, and a monster.

Now that I look at my life, it makes me laugh to myself how different everything is. People smile and greet me warmly. I am known as a law-abiding, helpful, kind citizen. People do not know I was once Battousai the manslayer- the man who has probably killed some of their family members or friends. People do not cower in fear from me- I am not treated with that kind of respect that is only present when one fears for their life. People talk back to me or insult me- something that has not happened since I was fourteen years old. And every time someone retorts nastily to my face about something I have said or done, I can only smile and chuckle in amusement. Instead of hurting me with their words, I find great pleasure in the fact that I am now treated like a human. That people do not know who I was. What I was. And the more people talk casually, tease me, joke around, or simply look me in the eye, the more and more I believe Kaoru's words. I am not the Battousai. I am Himura Kenshin, widowed husband to Kamiya Kaoru, father to Kenji, and resident with the title of marriage to Tomoe. And that suits me perfectly.

October 3rd, 1875

A rather exciting event has occurred recently in my life. Normally my life passes by me in a blur- I notice certain things, things like times spent with Kenji, but mostly it leaves my memory.

I was out on the front porch of the dojo, watching the stars, when Tomoe joined me for one of our frequent talks under the night sky. Sometimes we wouldn't even talk. Sometimes we simply sat in silence, enjoying each other's company. Other times we discussed Kenji and his increasing progress. He was a very smart child, that we were sure of. He seemed to know much more than others his age.

Most of the time we talked about meaningless things- how Yuki was faring, what Tomoe had done that day, how her lessons with her students were going. Shallow, on the surface conversation.

And yet other times we discussed deeper subjects. Those deeper subjects usually revolved around the past- my past to be specific. They would usually start off with something unrelated- how beautiful the midnight sky was, how brilliantly bright the moon and stars were- and it somehow related to a certain night in one of our memories. We would reminisce about the positive aspects of those times- we found very little- and then we would delve into the depths of the darker side, the unsaid things that needed to be said, the unheard things that needed to be heard. The unexpressed that needed to be expressed. Everything that wasn't, was, on those nights.

I am not sure if those nighttime discussions helped at all, or if they were simply giving us something to discuss, something to analyze and occupy our minds with. But whatever the reason for them, we held them often, always an unspoken agreement. Somehow we always knew when to be on the porch those nights. Other nights, we knew it was not the time for our porch discussions, and so we would separate to our different rooms and sleep the night away, waiting for the next night the stars would beckon and the moon would shine invitingly, and we would meet again on the steps.

Those times we dove into deeper waters, the darker recesses of our minds, Kaoru often became the topic of discussion. I know that Tomoe could sense I still had not recovered from the shock of her death, and she knew how much it killed me inside, though I held an amiable and cheerful front. And I knew that though she remained calm and wonderfully kind, she was still grieving for Kaoru too. And so on those nights when our thoughts turned to her, which was every night, as she was constantly in our minds, we were comforted simply by each other's presence. Sometimes we discussed her, and sometimes we didn't. Some nights she needed to be discussed, others, it was simply the wrong time. But she was always there- a presence clouding our thoughts, constantly a reminder of why I was here, why Tomoe cared for Kenji, why we were now married.

It was on one of these nights that we were brought sharply back to reality, away from our galaxies beyond the stars, when we heard the creaking of the dojo gates, and we each feared different things. Tomoe's mind immediately thought of the men in town who had harassed her for living with me- the abusers and the scorners. My mind immediately went to my past- the Choshu, Katsura himself, maybe, come to finish my son and I off, and Tomoe, too.

We both tensed, and we could sense each other's tight muscles, though we did not touch. We could feel the electricity charging the air around us, the dense, constricted feel to the atmosphere. Tomoe rose slowly, watching the approaching two figures warily, their identity and sex still unapparent at such a distance. I rose to my feet too, gripping the handle of my reverse-blade sword.

And as the two figures stepped into the light, they provoked a different reaction in Tomoe and I. Tomoe still remained hesitant, though the sight of the beautiful woman seemed to calm her. She obviously believed that since such a refined, lovely woman was present, they were not here to harm her.

I however, tensed even more. I eyed the woman warily, not sure exactly why she was here, why she was with that man, and how she even knew where I was. I had been careful to conceal my whereabouts from the Choshu, but I did not put it past them to find me one day. Rumors of me were bound to spread. I started mentally calculating how quickly I could pack up my things and leave Tomoe in peace. Of course I would take Kenji with me.

I was sure this woman was here to torment me- to bring back the painful memories of my past. She was here to destroy me, though why she strode casually across the dojo's courtyard with that man, I had no idea.

"Hello," Tomoe called out, still wary. She sensed my immediate distrust and trusted my instincts rather than her own first impression. "Can I help you?" The man and woman stopped at the bottom of the steps to the dojo and looked up at us. The woman's lip turned up in a sly smile- the smile I hated and loved at the same time. The man stared at me for a moment, then turned slowly to Tomoe, his brow furrowed in obvious confusion. He glanced around conspicuously as if searching for something or someone.

"Hello, Ken-san." Megumi's voice still sounded as sweet and seductive as it had before.

"Megumi-san," I replied stiffly, inclining my head towards her. She emitted a soft giggle, the sound of tinkling bells. I turned to the man.

"Sagara Sanosuke, I don't believe we had the pleasure of getting to know each other very well. However, I cannot say I am happy you are here."

"I understand completely," Sano said with a wry grin.

"Megumi-san, is there a reason for your visit? Other than to disturb the peace, as your visits undoubtedly do." Megumi laughed again, much louder this time and walked up the steps, looping her arm through mine. I gently but forcefully pulled my arm from her grasp and was grateful for once that Tomoe and I were married. I slipped my hand into hers and stepped back from Megumi.

"Megumi-san, I don't believe you have ever had the pleasure of meeting my wife, Tomoe." Megumi's face froze, her eyes puzzled and questioning. She looked between Tomoe and I for a moment before clearing her throat and taking on her professional side.

"I- I thought you said before that you had married the Tanuki girl-"

"I did." My tone left no room for questions, and Megumi did not press any further. She knew that if I were willing to tell, I would explain on my own time.

"Where is the little raccoon anyways?" Sano asked curiously, looking over our shoulders. I tensed and my eyes grew guarded; a flood of memories came back to me with their arrival. Memories of rushing Kaoru to the Takani Medical Center while she was in labor, remembering the moment Megumi had announced I had a son- that I was a father. I looked away and turned into the house without any further words. I sat myself in the kitchen, knowing they would follow in their own time.

Tomoe kindly led them into the kitchen and seated them around the low table before me. I avoided looking up into the questioning eyes of the two, and Tomoe seated herself gently beside me. She reached across the table to pour tea into their cups.

"Kenshin-" Megumi began, but she halted suddenly. I looked up, seeing the indecision on her face.

"Yes Megumi-san?" I encouraged her.

"How did you meet Tomoe?" she asked after a moment of deliberation. I sighed wearily and closed my eyes, rubbing my temples soothingly before opening my eyes again to watch her.

And so I unfolded my tale- my horrific, nightmarish tale of sorrow and sadness. Megumi and Sano remained silent throughout it all, however, Megumi's eyes did fill with tears often, but she managed to keep her tears under check.

After explaining I would rather not answer any more questions for the night, I excused myself and left to check on Kenji. He was still awake in his room, lying on his bed with his arms folded behind his head, staring at the ceiling blankly. He turned his head slowly at the sound of my approaching footsteps and smiled brightly.

He exclaimed my name excitedly and sat up. I lifted him up off the bed and held him in my arms. He was much bigger now- nearly four and a half feet tall. I explained that there was someone I wanted him to meet- someone he would not remember, but she was a kind woman who had helped his mom very much. Kenji seemed to accept that.

I brought Kenji out into the kitchen, and I saw with delight how Megumi's eyes widened in surprise as she took in the sight of my eight-year-old son.

"Oh, Kenshin, he looks so much like her," she had breathed. I gently lowered Kenji and set him on his feet. I introduced him to Megumi, and she asked if she could hug him. After holding his body to hers for a moment, she pulled back and studied his face, her lips curving gracefully in a smile.

We spent the rest of the night talking- talking about nothing in particular, and the subject of Kaoru and the eight years of my absence in Kyoto were never broached. We learned that Megumi and Sano had married a year previously, and so Tomoe graciously offered them an extra room in her dojo for the duration of their visit.

They left the next morning.

December 12th, 1875

The winter is much colder and harsher than normal this year. Kenji has caught a cold and has been sneezing often. We constantly keep a fire lit in the dojo, and Kenji has taken to residing in front of it for the duration of the day.

Tomoe still continues to teach her students, and I occasionally help.

On these cold winter days, my thoughts often drift to Kaoru. I am plagued by memories; the chill of the air and the falling snowflakes dampen my mood, depressing me further. Kenji has often commented on my sullen exterior, asking if I am okay. I always lie and tell him everything is fine.

It is on these dreary days that I fall further and further into myself, missing Kaoru more than ever. I often wonder if I will ever be freed from this seemingly eternal torment and suffering in my mind.


June 13th, 1876

Kenji is nine years old now. I cannot believe that through all my misery, the time has gone by much quicker than I first perceived. He loves to laugh and play. He is a very smart boy, and I am more proud of him than words can say.

August 7th, 1878

I realize how little I seem to write in this journal now, but every time I happen to glance at this book of mine, I cannot bring myself to sit down and write in it. I feel there are no more words left to express the way I feel. I find little happiness in the things around me now, and I know it alarms Tomoe deeply, though she is too kind to confront me about it. Kenji is eleven now, and he is a very observant boy. He knows that I am not happy; it pains me when I see how his face falls when he sees I am not in the mood to play with him. But no matter how it saddens me to see his face, I cannot bring myself to paste a fake smile on my face and pretend that all is right.

November 2nd, 1881

Kenji has turned fourteen now, and he is becoming quite the impressive young man. He is wise beyond his years; I fear it is because of my lack of attention that he has been forced to grow up before his time. He asks a lot of questions now- though never directly to my face. Some he asks me- useless things, simply prattle that means nothing and he knows will not hurt me. I feel pathetic and weak that my own son feels the need to protect me from the hurtful words of others, yet at the same time I am eternally grateful to him for caring for me enough to do so.

My depression has progressed- that I am sure of. I can exactly pinpoint the day that marked my digression. It was June 3rd of this year. I had returned from washing the laundry in the yard of the dojo, carrying the basket of freshly cleaned clothes in my arms. As I walked down the hallway, I could hear Kenji asking Tomoe questions. I always enjoyed listening to his questions- he asked Tomoe much more interesting things than he did me. It was always a pleasure to listen to his ideas and the things his smart little brain came up with.

I was not eavesdropping, per se; I was simply folding the clean, dry clothes and placing them in a nearby room. Their voices carried through the thin paper walls, and I entertained myself with their chatter. However, I could feel my skin grow cold and my mind start to shut down in shock and denial as I heard the words they uttered.

"Tomoe-san?" Kenji's sweet voice had asked.

"Yes Ken-chan?" Tomoe replied, no doubt cooking lunch as they conversed. I could hear the steady chop of her knife as it connected with the wooden board beneath the vegetables she was slicing.

"Do you worry about Dad?" It was at this point I had frozen. My hands hovered frantically above the pile of fresh clothes I had just rested on Tomoe's futon as I strained my ears to catch their words. Tomoe spoke softly, her voice an audible whisper.

"Very much, Ken-chan."

"I do, too," Kenji confessed. His words drove a stake through my heart, piercing my soul. I had never meant to worry or stress Kenji with my own troubles. "Why- why is he so sad?" he asked, and instead of hearing his usually curious and intellectual voice, I could feel the hurt and anguish behind his words.

"Your father is… trying, Ken-chan. He does the best he can."

"But why? Why is Dad so sad all the time?" Tomoe sighed and I could hear her set the knife down on the wooden cutting board.

"Kenji, you must understand it is not because of you," she began softly, and I could just imagine Tomoe placing her gentle hands on Kenji's shoulders, looking him straight in the eye to convey the depth of her words.

"I know- I know it's not me. But why, Tomoe? What makes Dad so sad? Is it my mother?" Tomoe sighed and I knew she was going to do it- she was going to do exactly as I had told her not to. However, I could not force my feet to move, I could not force myself to call out and stop her before she ruined it- before she ruined everything. Because I knew deep inside that he was old enough to know- old enough to realize the truth.

"Your father is sad because your mother died a long time ago- he's never really gotten over it," Tomoe said softly, and I could feel my breath steadily leave my lungs as I breathed again.

"Why did my mom have to leave my dad?" And I held my breath again, not because I feared Tomoe would reveal the truth to Kenji, but because as he spoke, I realized that he was crying. I could hear the tears in his voice, and I could only imagine his fists clenched tightly by his sides as Tomoe tried to comfort him. "I hate her!" He eventually shouted, his tears dropping to the ground. "I hate her, Tomoe! How could she be so mean? To leave me and Dad?" And as I sank to my knees, my hands covering my face, hiding my tears, I realized how wrong I was to hide the truth from him for all these years. He hated the one person that had brought me joy and happiness in my life- the person who was so kind, so gentle, so loving, so simply wonderful. His own mother, my beloved wife, the most innocent and tender woman that ever existed. One who was so willing to forgive others, who always gave others a second chance. She was such a caring person- and yet he hated her, because he thought she brought me despair and depression. And just that thought tore me to pieces inside.

So I had risen to my feet quickly, collecting myself and hurriedly trying to wipe away my tears but failing, and flung myself into the dojo kitchen, wrapping my arms around my boy- Kaoru's little boy.

"Don't you ever believe for one moment that your mother was a bad woman. She was the kindest, gentlest, most forgiving woman anyone could possibly meet, and you should never hate her for leaving. She could not help it, Kenji. She did not leave us by choice. She loved us both more than words can say- always know that."

"Then why did Mom have to leave?" Kenji cried, clutching my shirt in his fists and burying his head in my shoulder. "Why did she go away from us?" I swallowed and held him away, at arms length, and stared him in the eye then.

"Your mother was killed, Kenji," I said bluntly, and I could see the physical impact it had on him. His whole body seemed to crumple with those few words. "We were going to be killed- some bad people were going to kill us. And your mother was hurt- she just couldn't run anymore. So she gave you to me and told me that I needed to save you- that I needed to do everything I possibly could to save our child. And so I did as she asked, because I knew there was no other way, though every day I wish there were some way to save her. And so I took you and we hid, and she was killed. Your mother died to save both of us, Kenji. She loved both of us so much, so don't ever hate her for not being here. She is not the cause of my unhappiness- I am only sad because of myself. Always remember that your mother was a good woman- a gentle, loving, caring woman."

Even though I knew Kenji must learn someday of what really happened to Kaoru, I still hate it. And the fact that all these years he harbored hate for her because of my own incompetence only furthers my hate of myself.