Freddie's POV
"Daddy! Daddy!" A little 5 year old girl came running to me. She was the perfect image of her mother. Soft, blonde, bouncy curls, pale skin, graceful posture… but she had my eyes. She had deep brown eyes.
"Hey, Cameron." I said as I scooped her up in my arms. Of course her mother didn't agree with her name at first. Sam didn't feel like naming her daughter Cameron. But she gave in.
"Daddy, mommy and I went to the park today. And then… and then… I met this boy! He was a dork, daddy!" She shouted.
I laughed. "A dork Cameron?"
"Yes daddy! And mommy said that you were a dork too before!"
I heard someone laugh from the doorway. I looked up and there she was. Sam. Her blue eyes were shinning as usual… and she was eating a lollipop.
"Well it's true." She said as she walked in with her usual grace.
""Mommy why do you have a lollipop?" Cameron whined.
"Didn't you get one too?"
"But how come you still have one?"
"Because I didn't finish mine so quick like you did honey." Sam laughed as she rolled her eyes.
"How about you go and play for a while Cameron?" I carefully put Cameron on her feet and she ran towards her play room.
Sam and I laughed at her eagerness. Sam walked towards me and I wrapped my arms around her. I buried my head on her soft hair. My hands tight around her waist. I inhaled the scent of her and savored the feeling of her in my arms.
Suddenly there was frantic knocking on the door. "Freddie! Freddie!!!!"
"You should get that." Sam muttered from beside me.
"I don't want to." I muttered to her hair holding her tighter.
Sam laughed. "You'll have to answer the door sometime soon." Suddenly I was only holding on to nothing. The pounding kept on going.
"Freddie!!!!"
I opened my eyes. I was in my room. The heavy drapes blocked the light coming from outside so I didn't know if it was night or day.
"Freddie!!!!" Someone shouted behind the frantic pounding on my door.
You'll have to answer the door sometime soon. Sam's soft voice echoed through my head.
I touched my face and could feel dried up tears there. Suddenly everything came crashing back through me.
Sam's death. The fact that I haven't left my house since then. My dream of what could have happened if I wasn't such a jerk. I sobbed once.
"Freddie c'mon…." There was one final pound on the door and from the shadows coming from under the doorway the person who was assaulting my door slid down to the floor.
I looked at the side table. There was a picture of me and Sam from junior year. My arm around her waist and her looking at me lovingly. I was giving her a kiss on the cheek then when Carly shot the picture. There were also some of Sam's possessions that she left to me back in high school. Tears flowed down at the thought of her… at the thought of what I lost.
I sighed and stood up. I wiped the fresh tears and opened the door.
Carly was sitting by the door obviously tired. I wonder how long has she been here.
"Hey Carls." I muttered.
"Hi Freddie." Carly muttered looking down. She was wearing a black dress that clung to her body and was up to her knees. She was also wearing black high heels and was sporting a black bag.
"How long have you been here?" I asked her.
"Quite a while." She muttered still not looking at me.
"How did you get in anyway?" I asked her confused.
"Spare key on the roof of your mailbox." She muttered.
Ah. That explains that… but… "What are you doing here?"
"Freddie you haven't been out of your house for days… more likely your room. And… I was wondering… if… you would… at least… go…" She took a deep breath, "to Sam's funeral." Her shoulder's started to shake.
Sam's… funeral. Somehow I don't know if I could do it. Going to her funeral means accepting that she's gone. My final goodbye to her.
I chocked on my breath and Carly finally looked at me. If it was possible she looked as worse… or probably worse than me.
Her eyes were red and puffy, she had bags under her eyes from the lack of sleep probably, and she wasn't wearing any make-up on since they always ended up being washed away by tears… no matter how water-proof they are.
She looked at me with mournful, pleading eyes. I wanted to see Sam one last time. I sighed then nodded. I told her to sit down on the living room couch for a while then I went back to my room to change. I picked out my best black suit and took a quick shower.
Once I was ready I locked the door to my house and walked out. I rode with Carly on her black Lexus.
We rode in silence for a while…
"Carly, I'm sorry." I muttered looking out the window.
"It's not your fault, Freddie." She muttered. Both of us knew that it wasn't true. It was my fault.
"I'm still sorry that I left you alone to help her carry her burden." I muttered.
She just sighed. "You don't know half of it."
I was guessing that she felt my confusion because she continued.
"When you left she was broken. So… so broken. She only had me and her parents. But then… her parents had a huge argument. They took the blame to why Sam was always so miserable. It was such a huge fight that Sam stayed with me for a few weeks. In the end her parents got a divorce…
Both her parents fought hard for custody for her but she insisted that she would rather stay with me and Spencer. She was turning 18 then. Once she was 18 they couldn't do anything and she decided to stay with us." She took a deep breath. "I always told her to date again. I only said that so that maybe that would distract her from ever being miserable. She was still crying at night… screaming your name… So she started dating again… but only because she wanted me to be happy. But every time she dated it was always somebody who reminded me of you… Brown hair, brown eyes, good with technological stuff, and stuff like that. She never dated anyone for more than a week. Nothing changed at all."
I looked out the window trying not to focus much on how hard her life was.
"She was struggling. She was able to get a good college degree but had a hard time finding a job. She didn't want to burden us, well that's what she said she was doing, so she wanted to move out. I don't know why she got that idea. Every since middle school she already practically lives with us anyways…" She sighed.
I know she's not telling me something… and that she edited a few parts out… but I don't think I could take any more information. I don't think I could talk about her either. I still couldn't accept the fact that she's dead. She's dead. I watched her die. I was there. But somehow I still can't wrap my head around the thought.
I sighed.
Soon enough we arrived at the place where she will be buried. There was already a large crowd there. Sam had so many friends. Carly and I got out of the car and I froze before we got near the crowd.
"Freddie c'mon." Carly muttered… although I knew she was also nervous.
"I-I can't." I muttered. I don't think I could face all of them. I don't think I could face all of their reactions towards me.
"Freddie… Sam would want you to be there." Carly muttered as she took a few steps forward.
Sam. I took a deep breath and walked towards the crowd. Everybody looked at me as I passed but they didn't talk. They all just averted their gazes back to the front.
The funeral flowed by swiftly. Soon enough we spoke of what we wanted to say for her, about her, and to her. I politely refused to do so. And then we were having our last view at her and handing her our white roses.
I remember walking to her coffin. She was just lying there so peaceful. Her smile was still there on her face. She looked as if she was just sleeping peacefully. Sleeping so peacefully that I couldn't help but bite back my tears.
After we carried her coffin to where she would be lowered to the ground everybody started to leave. Everyone gave their condolences to Carly and Sam's parents, who were both present. Some of our old friends from middle school and high school gave me their condolences too but they sounded so half hearted and forced. I couldn't help but feel guiltier.
"Go on. I'll be there in a few minutes." I said to Carly who was already preparing to leave. She nodded sensing the fact that I wanted to be alone with Sam for a while.
Once she left I looked back to the patch of ground to where Sam is now. It was filled with flowers from everybody who was there. I went to my knees and looked at it. I let the tears that I was holding back for so long fall free. I didn't know how long I could keep crying. I didn't know when my tears would run out. But I do know that I would never stop mourning for her.
"Sam…" I muttered touching the ground. "I'm so sorry."
I felt a soft breeze ruffle around me and then the sky started to grow a little darker. Soon followed the soft rain that started falling. Then the rain started to get harder and harder. Soon I was surrounded by a thick sheet of rain. Just me and the ground to where Sam is right now. I don't know how long I have been there. But time always seemed to go fast with Sam. Every minutes seemed just like a second.
Suddenly there was something blocking the rain. I looked up and saw Carly with sad, sympathetic eyes and a large black umbrella.
"Freddie, we have to go." She whispered.
I just looked down, hoping that Sam would reemerge from the ground and wrap me in her soft, warm hug.
Soon it dawned to me that that would never happen. It was my fault and now I have to pay for the consequences of my actions. I took another shuddering breath and slowly stood up. My pants were drenched in mud, my hair and shirt were drenched with rain, and my face was drenched with the mixture of rain and tears.
Once we got near the car I hesitated because I was a mess, but Carly just nodded and I got in closing the door behind me. The ride home was much quieter than the ride on the way there. We didn't try to talk until we reached my house.
"Freddie, I wanted to thank you." Carly said before I got out.
I looked at her curiously. There was a small but honest smile on her face. It was mixed with sadness but it was still a smile.
"You were able to make her smile Freddie. Every one of us tried but you were the only one who succeeded. Thanks for at least giving her the most genuine smile we've seen in years. Freddie… Thanks for letting her die happy." Carly said sincerely.
I didn't know if I should be happy or sad… but I placed a small smile on my face as I gave her a nod and got out of the car.
I entered my house. And sat down by the door. I didn't cry then. But I was still thinking about her. No matter how much I hurt her… she still loved me. Why? Haven't I hurt her enough that I don't deserve her love? She should love someone who is good enough for her. Not someone like me who ended up breaking her so bad.
Thanks for letting her die happy.
What Carly said stung me so bad. It was like someone got a dagger and shoved it straight to my heart. The sentence gave me both a sense of happiness but it was overcome by guilt and sadness. She's dead. It was my fault. But she died happy.
She died happy.
I couldn't help but beat myself up for what happened. Now Cameron wouldn't exist. Not at all. My little Cameron… The perfect image of her mother but she has my eyes. I close my eyes and think about my little girl. Who should have been my little girl…
I couldn't help but beat myself up by stealing away her life... our daughter's life... Now nobody could see her beautiful smile.
Her carefree smile.
Her entrancing smile.
Her captivating smile.
Her smile.