Chapter One: Alone in the Dark

To say that Angel was a light sleeper would be untrue. She had been known to sleep through break ins, fights, a shooting outside her house and if you were to ask her where she was when the planes hit the twin towers- she would answer on the couch taking a nap. She was that sort of post graduate. But having spent her teenage years with a restless Dalmatian pup at the end of the bed had tuned her in to things that required her immediate consciousness. This was one of those times. Her room in the TARDIS was larger than any she had every stayed in, and the darkness never failed to amaze her. Her four poster bed was made of the darkest mahogany and obscenely comfortable fabrics. It could never be said that the Doctor did not look after his companions. When she woke, the psychic field in her bedroom turned the lights a comfortable twilight. The Doctor was up and about in the TARDIS, in the artificial night. She knew he had midnight strolls occasionally- to the lavatory, to the parlour or to the console room if he felt he had left some vital piece of machinery on when he shouldnt have. But just lately it had become consistent, and he would disappear off into depths of the TARDIS for hours on end and never return. Night in the TARDIS was only called up every twenty four hours or so and lasted for a full twelve hours. Though it sounds farfetched- Angel found herself sleeping for the full twelve hours and feeling all the benefits of it. But how could she sleep when the Doctor was restless? She worried about him, more lately than she had in a long time. It was not as if she and the Doctor had any great secrets from one other. Theyd been together for too long to do that. Shed seen his world, how he lived and seen the secrets Time Lords had about themselves. The Doctor and the Companion in the TARDIS- just how it should be. But Angel was not one to be rescued all the time. She understood, though he would never admit it, that sometimes he needed rescuing- not from monsters or calamity but from himself. And a conversation in the dead of night could do all the more good to a Time Lord than any sonic screwdriver or reversing the polarity of the neutron flow. She picked up her dressing gown from the back of the chair, wrapped it around herself and stepped out of her room.

The corridors did not light up when she entered, the circular panels in the walls glowed a dim blue colour in the murk. She could hear footsteps far away down the passage. For a moment she feared it would be someone other than the Doctor, but the sound of him clearing his throat was all to familiar. He was heading towards the heart of the TARDIS. Feeling her way along the passage, her bare feet freezing on the marble floor, she gripped the bronze rail to keep her up. She came to a short flight of steps. This place was new to her- which frightened her. There was an image in the TARDIS that appeared sometimes- a spiral patterning the Doctor called the Seal of Rassilon- that marked parts of the TARDIS steeped in Time Lord business. Time Lord business that didnt apply to mere mortals like Angel here. The great oak doors (or at least, a very close approximation of oak) were open ever so slightly, and a warm light bored across the cold floor. Angel decided to take a chance- well, if the Doctor had meant to keep her out hed have done a better job closing the door wouldnt he? Someone as clever as him wouldnt make a silly mistake like that. Unless of course, his mind was wandering too much lately. She took the heavy brass handle in hand and pulled it aside, just wide enough to squeeze through. How the hell did he get them open?

So this was the cloister room? Shed never actually visited it before, and now having seen it, she couldnt understand why. It was like a Roman garden, stone pillars and benches and water fountains in the wall- even a warm Mediterranean breeze filled it. The climate clung to her and drove the last of the grogginess from her. The lush greenery took her aback; glorious ivy throttled every pillar and reached towards the ceiling. Delicate orchards bloomed into their full beauty and scented the air with their rich perfume. It was glorious in here. And there- sat on one of the stone benches, his shoulders arched, his palms together, was the Doctor- staring off across the cloister room. He was oblivious to his assistants presence in the inner sanctum of his glorious machine. Despite the beauty of this amazing room the Doctor was enveloped in an impenetrable melancholy- an overhanging sadness that pained Angel. Time Lords did not often show their emotions physically, but somehow anyone near them felt them as well. Angel walked over to him and sat down beside him, failing to so much as crack his concentration. His icy blue eyes were baring down on something across the room and his whole being dedicated itself to gazing at it.

Doctor? She ventured. Doctor? The Time Lords nostrils flared. He breathed deeply and sighed sharply. He was bare foot, an idea that had never even occurred to Angel. The Doctor wore the magnificent calf length boots and the thought of him not wearing them was absolutely surreal. He wore his wing collared shirt open to his chest, his braises up and across his thin shoulders. She noticed that on his chest, he wore his Taoist medallion- yin and yang. Poignancy incarnate and he wore it at all times. It was at this moment that Angel realised how poorly dressed she herself was- her legs were bare and she had only a t-shirt beneath the dressing gown but for some reason it never occurred to her around the Doctor. He never looked upon her with lust, there was no question about it- there was not even an idea of that being a possibility between them. Their relationship went above and beyond that. The Doctor had been different when she first met him, when her world was turned upside down and made better by this three fold man in his travelling machine. The day her understanding of the world was blown out of proportion. And now the Doctor was thin and elderly, oiled back, thinning white hair and the most amazing pointed features. But it was his eyes that amazed his; icy blue and without malice. The relationship between the Doctor and his companion could, at times, be strained but they enjoyed each others company and needed each other for stability. One could not be happy without the other being so as well. Nice chamber. Ive never been this far down into the TARDIS before. Peaceful. She said, desperately trying to strike up a conversation.

The cloister room is the only place I can really think he said quietly. So much in my mind. Incoherent mumblings, flashes of images, sounds. Half hearing a conversation. I cant make sense of my head. Everythings chaos in here he pressed a bony forefinger to his temple. His mind was ticking slowly, grinding quietly around the inside of his skull. He turned to Angel and for a moment, his face was a picture of anguish and frightened confusion. Then he relaxed, and his features lifted into a grim smile. Its awfully late. You should really be sleeping

I couldnt. I had to make sure you were alright

The Doctor laughed, tickled by the idea.

Im two thousand years old Angel, Im more than capable of looking after myself after I have a bad dream he chuckled.

Two thousand years old and you still get me to make your eggs in the morning.

I get indigestion otherwise, you make them just the right way he started. He turned to her, smiling. She smiled softly in return. Then the melancholy came over him again. His eyes burnt deep into Angels mind, locking their gazes together. He didnt mean to do it, it just happened sometimes and he got embarrassed if Angel struggled against it. In his eyes there was pure sorrow. His soul was weeping.

Is that why you came in here? She said. You had a nightmare?

The Doctor reached forward and curled her dark hair between his thumb and middle finger.

Im going to miss you Angel he said so quietly and so matter-of-factly that Angel wasnt quite sure he had said it.

Im no going anywhere Doctor.

You are my child, he said. You dont know it, you dont mean it but you are going. Youll leave me someday. Was this the source of his misery? Angel felt his pain- she couldnt bare the idea that the Doctor would leave her- but it never occurred to her that it might be mutual. She held his hand.

As long as I have a say in it she said. I will never leave you. I love you old man. She smirked. He smirked in return. He couldnt cope with saying it in return. Every time someone crossed the threshold of the TARDIS, every time he opened up his heart to somebody he knew he would feel the crushing pain again. Everything left him. Everything crumbled to dust and everything died. The only constant was that he would be hurt again. And sat here in the cloister room with his companion in the dead of night made him wonder and seriously question whether or not the brief moments of happiness and companionship was worth the heartache of loosing them. He couldnt blame them, they were human, theyre lives were so short that if they did fulfil their promises and stay with him forever he would have to watch them whither and die. Was it worth it? Would it be so bad if he just stopped? If he shut up the doors of the TARDIS and left he universe behind?

If were to die tomorrow he said. If I failed to regenerate and met my maker I wonder would anybody notice? A stab of grief took Angel by force.

Doctor-- she started, he cut over her.

Angel. Im serious. If I withdrew tomorrow who would mourn me? Who would miss me? Who would stand by my graveside? He said. Angel was hurt. Deeply, truly hurt but she knew how people acted when they were in the depths of depression. They expressed themselves as a matter-of-fact. She clutched his hand even tighter.

I would. She said firmly. He looked at her, with those bewitching blue eyes.

I know you would. But for how long? How long until something young and strong takes your eye and you start your life again? I dont blame you. I want you to to be happy

I am happy

But this isnt forever Angel. Nothings for ever. Everything falls apart, it crumbles and it dies and turns to ashes. Except of course for me. The constant wanderer. I wonder if those who have left me before speak about me

Of course they do

How do you know?

This wasnt cynical, this was an honest question. He wanted them to so badly, so that maybe the tearing loneliness was tolerable. But no, Angels gaze dropped. She couldnt console him. The Doctor sighed quietly and let his mind wander. Angel couldnt see it, but he had carved the names of his companions into the rock of the pillars around the room. He came here to remember- and at the same time- to forget.

You should go to bed Angel, get some rest He wanted to be on his own now. The company was killing him. Angel looked up.

No, she said. Ill stay here. For now. Ill stay. She smiled and he returned it. Laying her head on the Doctors shoulder- she didnt see the tear trickle down his face or know how much his heart was breaking right now